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Jul 7 10, 17:03
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 600
Joined: 14-April 07
From: Texas Hill Country
Member No.: 420
Real Name: Mary Boren
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Hello all,
I'm awfully rusty but hoping to light a fire under my balky muse through frequent exposure to good poetry here at MM. Meanwhile, Robin's "Breathe in Me" brought to mind something I was working on a couple of years ago, which I haven't posted here before. I am *always* open to critique.
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"Be a feather on the breath of God." -Hildegard of Bingen
Feather
Breathed into being by God's unbound imagination, I am the essence of everything in all creation, destined to soar on an eagle's wing above the ranges, gracefully drifting beyond the sound of seasons' changes.
I am a thread in the downy quilt, beside my brothers, sheltering nestlings from biting cold when darkness hovers. Pivotal, temporal tides may fold but not destroy me, borne on an aerodynamic lilt to guide and buoy me.
I am the spirit of east to west in acquiescence, trusting the flow of the breeze that fanned my holy presence. Once I am given to understand the art of sailing, I will return to the place of rest through God's inhaling.
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Jul 9 10, 15:43
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 262
Joined: 4-February 09
Member No.: 756
Real Name: Robin DeWalt
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Winning Writer's web site
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Hi Mary,
This is quite beautiful. I loved the flow and content. The ending two lines are exceptional. I doubt there's much in the way of technical flaws and it would take a much keener eye than mine to see them.
Robin
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Jul 13 10, 11:56
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Mary, Nice to read your poetry again! What a creative response to a lovely quote! I only have a few notations on the opening stanza that I'll paste in below for you to ponder. Enjoyed the read! ~Cleo Breathed into being by God's unbound imagination, I am the essence of everything in all creation, destined to soar on an eagle's wing above the ranges, gracefully drifting beyond the sound of seasons' changes. Lovely opening. One suggestion – will you consider replacing the word ‘the’ in above the ranges with something a bit more visual? I also keep stumbling on ‘in all creation’ – would it be correct to say ‘throughout or 'all through' creation’?
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 14 10, 14:59
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 600
Joined: 14-April 07
From: Texas Hill Country
Member No.: 420
Real Name: Mary Boren
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Thanks, Robin -- glad you enjoyed.
Hi Lori. I appreciate your time and suggestions. Hmm, could be regional differences in pronunciation, but "in all" flows better to my ear. I'll ponder "above the ranges" but right now I'm not seeing a way to get a descriptor in there. It would have to be a very insignificant word to avoid a meter bump, and I don't want a spondee at that point.
I'll post again if and when I can write something new. Meanwhile, I'll just check back periodically to read.
Mary
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Jul 14 10, 18:49
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin
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Hi Mary... Just a quick pop in to say It's great to read you again. This is one of my favorites by you. I see nothing I would change... it's polished and good to go. Thanks for sharing its inspirational message here. Sue
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Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. MM Award Winner
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Jul 19 10, 15:31
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Mary How good to see you here again! This is a really beautiful piece - as Sue says 'inspirational'. It sounds as though you are like many of us - with the block! I don't write nearly as much these days and usually in FV, although I still have some R&M I want to revise. On first read this is really polished, Mary, but I'll come back for another read later. Hope to see you again soon. Snow
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
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Jul 19 10, 15:39
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Guest
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QUOTE (Mary Boren @ Jul 7 10, 23:03 ) Hello all,
I'm awfully rusty but hoping to light a fire under my balky muse through frequent exposure to good poetry here at MM. Meanwhile, Robin's "Breathe in Me" brought to mind something I was working on a couple of years ago, which I haven't posted here before. I am *always* open to critique.
-------------------
"Be a feather on the breath of God." -Hildegard of Bingen
Feather
Breathed into being by God's unbound imagination, I am the essence of everything in all creation, destined to soar on an eagle's wing above the ranges, gracefully drifting beyond the sound of seasons' changes.
I am a thread in the downy quilt, beside my brothers, sheltering nestlings from biting cold when darkness hovers. Pivotal, temporal tides may fold but not destroy me, borne on an aerodynamic lilt to guide and buoy me.
I am the spirit of east to west in acquiescence, trusting the flow of the breeze that fanned my holy presence. Once I am given to understand the art of sailing, I will return to the place of rest through God's inhaling. Hi, Mary, like all before me, I really enjoyed this posting. There are 2 little points I want to offer for your consideration. Firstly, I'm not sure why you didn't lay this out in its couplets so that the rhymes are closer together; secondly, that 'all' follows 'everything' very quickly and seems a tad redundant, perhaps just 'His creation'? Yours to use or lose of course, thanks for sharing, Jim
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Jul 25 10, 11:15
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
Writer of: Poetry
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Hello Mary,
This is very, very good. If only I could be so rusty. (smiling) Upon I reading, I can actually see the feather drifting on currents.
The rhyme is simply artful, imo. I love the sandwiched rhyme scheme of the long lines in conjunction with the rhyming short lines. I think it gives the poem 'lift'. (please forgive my created 'sandwich' term - it has been a very long time since I've done this)
I'm not going into the meter. It has been too long since I've written or critiqued. Some of the meter looks like it shouldn't work, yet it does. So I will not comment until I get my poetic legs again.
My only bump in the poem is the word 'aerodynamic'. The sound of the word is heavy to my ear. Again, the meaning shouldn't be, it just feels heavy.
Sorry for my ineptitude at critiquing. This is an excellent poem, imo. The whole of it just fits on a feather.
my best,
Michelle
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
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Aug 4 10, 05:46
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Guest
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Hi, Mary, hope you don't mind if I pop back in. QUOTE destined to soar on an eagle's wing above the ranges, gracefully drifting beyond the sound of seasons' changes. it strikes me that by swapping the order of 'above' and 'beyond' - though I can see the attraction of using them this way - you can round this image out significantly. In addition, on my last visit I neglected to applaud the overall image of this poem, that each lifetime is but one breath from God; exhaled into being, inhaled back to Him. Jim
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