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 May 27 10, 05:08
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#1
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 Assyrian  Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site  |
I've never seen an angel's toe
laced in golden thong. But I have seen the devil's hand in every deed that's wrong. Where is the harp, the flute, and fife to play me through this silent life? If only God would breathe in me a deeper faith to set me free, I'd drop my burdens gratefully and walk the shores I cannot see. ·······  ······· |
  
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May 27 10, 10:26
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#2
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 Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
Hi merle,
This is really nice! Just a few suggestions- take or leave them... I've never seen an angel's toe laced in golden thong. But I've seen the devil's hand ( I would say " I have seen" to smooth the meter there) in every deed that's wrong. Where is the harp, the flute, and fife to play me through this silent life? (beautiful line!) If only God would breathe in me a deeper faith to set me free, ( I love this one too) I'd drop my burdens gratefully convinced of shores I can not see. The last line isn't quite right for me... maybe, "and search for shores I cannot see" ?? either way, this one is lovely. K ······· ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
May 27 10, 22:27
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#3
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Robin, Welcome back,,,been long time no see. your poem is very contemplative, sort of reminiscent of Three Dog Night "I've never been to Spain"
I do like the line: If only God would breathe in me I would start my reply poem to yours with this, a deeper faith to set me free. Steve |
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May 28 10, 00:31
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#4
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Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hi Karen - Thank you so much for taking the time to read and crit. I agree with you on the 'I have seen' and will revise. Not sure about the word 'search' only because the rest of the poem is about searching and the ending is about 'finding'. I would love to hear any other suggestions you may have for a replacement of 'convinced'.
Robin ······· ······· |
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May 28 10, 01:40
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#5
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 Babylonian Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle |
Hi Robin,
This is beautiful. I love the message in your poem. For God to breathe His word in us, so we become stronger in our faith. hugs Kimi ······· ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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May 28 10, 15:02
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#6
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Babylonian Posts: 138 Joined: 11-May 10 From: california Member No.: 1,120 Real Name: karen Writer of: Poetry |
and walk the shores I cannot see. ??
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May 28 10, 15:30
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#7
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Robin
It is so good to read your work again. I really like this one with its inspirational message. I cannot find much to nit here, it's very well written. Just a couple of thoughts;- I've never seen an angel's toe laced in a golden thong. I keep wanting to add 'a' before thong, it might work as a subsitution. eg LACED in a GOLDen THONG But I have seen the devil's hand in every deed that's wrong. Where is the harp, the flute, and fife to play me through this silent life? If only God would breathe in me a deeper faith to set me free, I'd drop my burdens gratefully convinced of shores I can not see. I think I agree with Karen about 'convinced' and like her suggestion for replacement. Another thought would be : exploring shores I cannot see Lovely thoughts Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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May 28 10, 16:40
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#8
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Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hi Kimi, Karen, and Snow -
Thank you all for your positive comments. I really like Karen's suggestion and will use it. Thank you Karen! Since it's just one word I'm only going to revise the original poem rather than place a complete revison above. I hope that's acceptable, if not let me know. Robin ······· ······· |
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May 28 10, 19:06
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#9
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (merle @ May 28 10, 22:40 )  Hi Kimi, Karen, and Snow - Thank you all for your positive comments. I really like Karen's suggestion and will use it. Thank you Karen! Since it's just one word I'm only going to revise the original poem rather than place a complete revison above. I hope that's acceptable, if not let me know. Robin Yes that's perfectly acceptable, Robin - no need for a complete rewrite. You could always write the original line you've changed underneath, so that people know what it was before the change. Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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May 28 10, 22:17
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#10
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Robin! This is so gently inspirational. It uplifts me. I like the questioning part. So true... 'the shores we cannot see' When things go wrong, we wish we could understand. Yet God is silent, whereas evil is all over the place, highly visible. So be it! I've arrived too late to find any more nits. Your poem is truly lovely. Hugs, Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner      |
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May 31 10, 00:21
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#11
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Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hi Syl -
Thanks for stopping by regardless of the time. lol I always enjoy hearing your input. ······· ······· |
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Jul 7 10, 16:52
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#12
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 600 Joined: 14-April 07 From: Texas Hill Country Member No.: 420 Real Name: Mary Boren Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Kathy Earsman |
Hi Merle ... er, Robin?
We met briefly last year and I recall being very impressed with your style. I'm glad I returned to find you still here, because reading this lovely poem reminds me that my soul needs regular interaction with gifted poets. Thank you! Would you consider "entwined" ILO "laced" for meter's sake? Either way, it's a three-thumbs-upper. Mary ······· ·······Mary Sullivan Boren
Connecting ... Even Yet "There is in all things - a hidden wholeness." -Thomas Merton MM Award Winner |
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Jul 9 10, 14:24
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#13
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Robin,
I too thoroughly enjoyed this - and the question you pose: What if God were watching and listening and did something to change fate, even just in a teensy thing? I agree with Mary - that I think 'laced' has a better substitute out there. Either way, enjoyed the read! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jul 9 10, 15:36
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#14
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Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hi Mary,
Yes, by all means use my name...Robin. I remember you as well and your poem about the economy and Henny Penny. :) I like 'entwined' much better than 'laced'. I'll revise in a few days, I have relatives in town and we're on the 'go'. Thank you for the encouraging words and the help. Robin ······· ······· |
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Jul 9 10, 15:38
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#15
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Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hi Cleo,
Thank you for the kind comments. I agree 'laced' needs to be changed and I like Mary's suggestion. I'll be back in a few days to revise. Robin ······· ······· |
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