I hesitate to post another poem with two still on the board, but since things are kinda slow I hope it will be OK to start workshopping this one while those slide on down. On this day of Thanksgiving, I'm counting my blessings (including new friends here at MM), and near the top of the page is ...

A Hand Up

A cattle trailer stops, my scooter swerves ...
but not enough. Within a blink, my wrist
is shattered, zapping tendons, muscles, nerves
and vital ligaments. They're sorely missed.

A hundred years ago, there would have been
two choices: cut it off or let it dangle,
a shriveled, lifeless paw. Now, skillful men
and women have the know-how to untangle
a royal mess. Through microsurgery,
the bones are reconstructed. Months and days
of exercise, massage and therapy
work wonders, proving optimism pays.

They gave a hand. I'll raise it as a sign
of readiness to serve. It's God's, not mine.

----------
Original L4
----------

and ligaments. They would be sorely missed.

Dear Mary,

I am no expert, but the 2x would in L4 - 5 jar, as does the "months and days". I know that suite the rhyme, but somehow it is an illogical inversion. Is it that it introduces pathos ? Days and months sounds serious, this does not.

Also, "it's God's" is awkward to me. Too many 's's's's es, if you see what I mean !

Otherwise a valiant effort which I am sure will result in an excellent sonnet.

Love
Alan

Hi Mary,

I'm a fledgling in rhyme and rhythm, so I'll be brief. This poem touches me deeply and says a great deal, and I believe your theme is an insight many in similar situations have also thought but not expressed in such beautiful form. Speaking for myself only I certainly had the thought in 1991 that had I been born in an earlier time, such as the 17th century as I've always wished, I surely would be dead at my age.

Excellent insight which is finely expressed!!!

Peggy

Thanks, Alan. Good calls, all. I've edited to eliminate the double would, which had escaped me, and will continue to rethink months and days. I do see what you mean about that excessively sibilant conclusion. Normally it would bother me too. Hmm, I'll keep it for now and see if it begins to.

Peggy, I'm glad to know your feelings on this. Thanks for the encouraging words. Actually, as little as 20 years ago there would have been little chance of full recovery. A sobering thought, for sure. Better be careful what we wish for, huh?

Mary

Dear Mary,

Good reconstructions.

Another offering :

and women have the know-how to untangle
a royal mess. Through microsurgery,

could be

and women have the know-how to untangle
this royal mess. Through microsurgery,

which adds allit with both the th ans the s.

Love
Alan

Mary, Amazing how fast and far surgery has come, I had a cyst removed from my right leg at the age of nine, it took nine hours on the table, nine days in the hospital and nine weeks in a cast( actually three casts-I was a nine year old boy who couldn't be kept out of the water or out of trees even with a cast), but just in 06 I had a biopsy of my lungs that took three hours, no stitches, and only a week and a half to recover five of those in the hospital. I can still see the scar on my leg, but i can't see anything but a faint line on my side were they did the two incisions.
I was told that a lung transplant would leave the same sort of faint lines... and they replace knees, and hips and hearts how wonderful is that?!! great subject for a poem.

Steve

Alan, I first wrote "this royal mess" but changed it to be more all-inclusive.

Steve, that's lots of nines. Yep, we've come a long way. In fact, no one has mentioned the obvious flaw in my premise, as it's highly unlikely an old granny would have plowed into a cattle trailer on a scooter 100 years ago. :) Thanks for reading.

Mary