 Pigtails |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Apr 3 15, 05:14
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#1
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry  |
Pigtails
A handful of bristles shakily sink into strands now dark and grey. Sliding downwards; insecure, they skip the deeply set tangled mess. Dangly arms now strain to equally part those greying locks into two, unmindful of the jagged edges within. Fogged sight assures the mind of the "obvious" perfection seen. A weak smile permeates the inner sanctum of memory. As two bands circle strands in uneven twists feathery threads unwittingly spike free. Done, the reflection greeted is framed by optimism; that those tresses- 'till now- carry a lift and bounce when moved. ·······  ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner     |
  
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Apr 3 15, 16:39
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Dani - it is a pleasure to read your work again. I have made some comments between the lines.
QUOTE (Siren @ Apr 3 15, 11:14 )  Pigtails A handful of bristles shakily sink into strands now dark and grey. Sliding downwards; insecure, they skip the deeply set tangled mess. Dangly arms now strain to equally part those greying locks into two, unmindful of the jagged edges within. I get the feeling that this person has either been ill or experienced some emotional episode - or just growing old? shakily insecure dangly arms strain draw me to this conclusion - but I'm probably wrong Fogged sight assures the mind of the "obvious" perfection seen. A weak smile permeates the inner sanctum of memory. As two bands circle strands in uneven twists feathery threads unwittingly spike free. Done, the reflection greeted is framed by optimism; that those tresses- 'till now- carry a lift and bounce when moved. I don't know that the dashes in L4 & L5 are needed I like the feeling of optimism at the end - not just in words, but in the image of a 'lift & bounce' It's just like you've never been away, Dani. Hope to see you again soon. Hugs Snow  ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner        |
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Apr 3 15, 18:12
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#3
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hey Eira hny,
It's good to be writing again... Yes this is about aging... About still feeling young hence the (pigtails) and yet the reality of the physical acts of simply brushing the hair and styling is a chore in itself for the lady... I think u are right about the dashes, the simple line break would be enuf... Thanx for that... I chose the ending to fit well with the optimism I wanted to point out and am glad it worked.. I still remember. Show and not tell.. :) Hugs Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Apr 4 15, 14:22
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#4
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,560 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
What a joy to see you writing again, Dani ! There's a lot to like about this piece. You know, of course that I'm not much of a free verse writer, but I'll still offer some running observations. Your message on the effects of aging in nicely shown it this little statement, but I think I see a little rust from your long silence. This doesn't have the flow YET of the Dani I recall.
QUOTE (Siren @ Apr 3 15, 06:14 ) Pigtails A handful of bristles shakily sink into strands not sure 'shakily' is the right word here? now dark and grey. Sliding downwards; insecure, they skip the deeply set tangled mess. Dangly arms now strain Are the arms really 'dangly'? to equally part those greying locks into two, unmindful of the jagged edges within. Fogged sight assures the mind of the "obvious" perfection seen. I'm not sure what the previous observation means ? A weak smile permeates the inner sanctum of memory. As two bands circle strands in uneven twists feathery threads unwittingly spike free. Done, the reflection greeted is framed by optimism; Does 'optimism' TELL too much, instead of SHOW? that those tresses- 'till now- carry a lift and bounce when moved. Again, Dani, it's wonderful to read you again. Keep it up, and that old flow will continue to come forth! deLightng in your sharing, ..... aging Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner    |
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Apr 5 15, 16:53
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#5
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi again Dani
I thought I'd call back to have another look at this. It's so good to have something new to read here.  Fogged sight assures the mind of the "obvious" perfection seen. I feel that there is no need for the speech marks around obvious. If you really feel the need to accentuate the word - perhaps italics? Perhaps a different word for 'dangly'? A word describing how your arms feel? It is so good to have you back, Dani Hugs Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Apr 10 15, 05:00
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#6
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 Nomad Posts: 25 Joined: 9-May 09 Member No.: 793 Real Name: Jeanne Fiedler Writer of: Poetry Referred By:web |
Wow, on the trails. I've seen this exact imagery. It's nice when you can bond with someone's poem, and know exactly what they see. The thistles, those awful things, will turn into something beautiful, like the 'tresses that bounce,' and the reflections that greet it. Beautiful nature poem.
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Aug 16 15, 23:02
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#7
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,865 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Dear Dani!
Lovely to have u with us again, and posting such heartfelt poetry. I'm really the absent one at MM (and plenty others...LOL..). I haven't felt too well lately, but won't go into all that here. Hope you're doing OK? Such a lot of bad stuff is going on worldwide. I'll read your poem again and maybe make some comments, 4 u to TorT. QUOTE (Siren @ Apr 3 15, 07:14 ) Pigtails The title is perfect! A handful of bristles <<<<<<Not sure about this line, I belatedly realized you mean a hairbrush, I think. Just that one doesn't hold the bristles, so I thought it meant "bristly hair"...LOL... shakily sink into strands<<<<<<It's the shaky hand, right? Can't suggest anything now, but perhaps rearranging the lines would help.ToT!! now dark and grey. Sliding downwards; insecure, they skip the deeply set tangled mess. <<<<<< I can picture the elderly lady, no nits. Dangly arms now strain<<<<<<original use of 'dangly', I know just what you mean! Especially if the lady is very thin. to equally part those greying locks into two, unmindful of the jagged edges within. Fogged sight assures the mind of the "obvious" perfection <<<<<<don't think u need "..." seen. A weak smile permeates the inner sanctum of memory. <<<<<<Like this!!! As two bands circle strands in uneven twists feathery threads unwittingly spike free. Done, the reflection greeted is framed by optimism; that those tresses- 'till now- carry a lift and bounce when moved. Sad but lovely poem, Dani, IMO. I can picture that elderly lady taking a long time to get her tresses in order...so life-like. Hope I haven't critted too much, just enjoyed jumping in here to learn from you!! Hugs, Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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Dec 12 15, 00:01
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#8
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Nomad Posts: 8 Joined: 1-December 15 Member No.: 5,295 Real Name: David Writer of: Poetry |
Dani it's great to run into you again and great to read your poetry.
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