Thinking Of You, free and mixed R&M Options

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

(revised version:) June 19, 2006


My passions, soggy with memories,
like formless tides, wash over me,
passing like ghosts;
carried along by beleaguered winds,
weeping from inside my own skin...
...and with season`s shift,
some gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone,
expanded in the winter`s cold when I was left alone,
where my workaday dreams play on and on,
I am always thinking of you.
In the shallow solitude of my darkened room,
In the blankets of sleep that surround the moon,
I am always thinking of you...
...and someday,
maybe you will know;
maybe you will remember me;
maybe you will find me
sleeping in the snow...
For wherever I am and whatever I do,
I am always and forever thinking of you.




(original version:)


My passions, soggy with your memory,
like formless tides wash over me;
passing over like ghosts;
burnished by acorn wind;
weeping within my own skin....
.....and with the wind,
some gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone,
expanded in the Winter`s cold when I was left alone,
where my workaday dreams play on and on,
I am always thinking of you...
In the shallow solitude of my darkened room,
in blankets of sleep that surround the moon,
I am always thinking of you...
...and someday, maybe you will know,
maybe you will remember me,
maybe you will find me
sleeping in the snow,
for wherever I am, and whatever I do,
I am always and forever thinking of you.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Keith

This is very haunting. With the refrain it feels like a song, a lingering melody, the rhymes weaving through.

My passions soggy with your memory, --- comma after passions, perhaps?
like formless tides wash over me,
pass over like ship-wrecked ghosts;
burnished by an acorn wind, --- love the idea of acorn wind, but it seems to lose the sea imagery?
weeping inside of my own skin,
and with the wind,
some gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone,
expanded in the Winter`s cold when I was left alone,
where my workaday dreams play on and on,
I am always thinking of you...
In the shallow solitude of my darkened room, --- really like "shallow solitude" - image and alliteration
in blankets of sleep that surround the moon, --- another good one
I am always thinking of you...
...and someday, maybe you will know,
maybe you will remember me,
maybe you will find me
sleeping in the snow,
for wherever I am, and whatever I may do,
I am always and forever thinking of you.

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Keith

A sad poem of loss and missing each someone

A few thoughts for you to take or leave as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment

My passion[']s soggy with your memory,
like formless tides wash over me,
pass over like ship-wrecked ghosts; ...these two lines don't quite make sense to me, following on from the first line.
burnished by an acorn wind, ...good, original description
weeping inside {of} my {own} skin,
and with the wind,
some gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone,
expanded in the Winter`s cold when I was left alone,
where my workaday dreams play on and on,
I am always thinking of you...
In the shallow solitude of my darkened room,
in blankets of sleep that surround the moon,
I am always thinking of you...
...and someday, maybe you will know,
maybe you will remember me,
maybe you will find me
sleeping in the snow,
for wherever I am, and whatever I {may} do,
I am always and forever thinking of you.

I might also suggest some line breaks to break up the text a bit. Thus:

My passion's soggy with your memory,
washing over me like formless tides,
passing over like ship-wrecked ghosts;
burnished by an acorn wind,
weeping inside my skin.

With the wind,
some gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone,
expanded in the Winter`s cold when I was left alone,
where my workaday dreams play on and on,
I am always thinking of you...

In the shallow solitude of my darkened room,
in blankets of sleep that surround the moon,
I am always thinking of you...

...and someday, maybe you will know,
maybe you will remember me,
maybe you will find me
sleeping in the snow.

For wherever I am, and whatever I do,
I am always and forever thinking of you.

Nina

[Cybele]

Hi Keith,

A very haunting piece, which on this special day, I can relate to entirely.

I think Nina has offered some wonderful suggestions and at this stage I would prefer to see where you take it before offering any suggestions of my own.

Some lines I loved..

weeping inside of my own skin,

some gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone,
expanded in the Winter`s cold when I was left alone,

maybe you will remember me,
maybe you will find me
sleeping in the snow,

And this is also my mantra

Wherever I am, and whatever I do,
I am always and forever thinking of you.

Simply lovely Keith.

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

Hello Fran.....

Very pleased to meet you, and thanks for choosing to read my poem and comment. How is life in the U.K.? I`ve only visited London once, long ago, and I loved it. Hopefully, my wife and I will get to visit there someday. She`s crazy about the British lifestyle; she`s even got the accent down pretty well, although she would probably not fool a true Brit...LOL.....

It pleases me to hear the word, "haunted," used in your interpretation. I never thought of that myself, but if if the poem has that quality, that`s even better.

Originally, the opening line read: "My passions, now soggy with your memory." It was a last minute decision to drop the word, "now," and in doing so, it seems that I forgot about the comma. Excuses, excuses, right?.....LOL.....

You do have a point about the, "acorn wind." It does seem to pull the reader away a bit from the sea imagery. I never thought about that. Thanks for noticing and have a beautiful day.

Keith

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

Hello Nina

Like Fran before, another British poet, I see. I`ve always heard that a true Brit can sing all the words to Hubert H. Perry`s, Jerusalem..."And did those feet in Ancient time......." I love William Blake. One of my most fond memories of London was getting to visit his headstone at Westminster Abby. Please pardon my crazy admiration for all that`s British, but I do so wish that I had been born there.

Anyway.....I don`t think I want to make passion possessive. In this context, I meant passions as plural, or is that not possible? I`ve always thought of passion as something multi-faceted. Is that a crazy American notion? ......LOL.....I`m not sure that I understand how adding "ing" to certain words creates "line breaks." Maybe you can help me with that one.

I can`t help myself.....Now I`ve got that hymn stuck in my head: "I will not cease from Mental fight, Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand, Till we have built Jerusalem, In England`s green and pleasant land." .......Yes!....That feels better! I should have been British.

Keith

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Keith

You wouldn't want to hear me sing Jerusalem. I cant sing! When I was at primary school we used to have to sing it in assembly, though I think I've probably forgotten half the words, however my hubby will merrily sing it as it is one of his favourite hymns/anthems.

Being born in London, I tend to take it for granted and probably don't appreciate it as you would.

Anyway.....I don`t think I want to make passion possessive. In this context, I meant passions as plural, or is that not possible? I`ve always thought of passion as something multi-faceted. Is that a crazy American notion? ......LOL.....

I wasn't sure how you meant passion but if you want it plural then you need some punctuation after it because as it reads now, it doesn't make sense.

My passions, soggy with your memory

I'm not sure about plural or singular. My natural inclination would be to go with singular. I think it can still imply something multi-faceted and feels stronger somehow (though that may just be me).

I`m not sure that I understand how adding "ing" to certain words creates "line breaks." Maybe you can help me with that one.

Sorry, you've lost me there.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Keith.

A sad piece here for sure but filled with great imagery. It's a pleasure to read how loneliness can be described with nature. I love the metaphorical aspects of writing!

This is a good piece to demonstrate the emotional ties.

Here are some thoughts to ponder.

Regards,
~Cleo

[+] {-} (comment)

My passions, soggy with your memory,
like formless tides wash over me;
passing over like ghosts{;}[,]
burnished by acorn wind; (confused, how about:
burnished by besieged or beleaguered wind ?)
weeping within my own skin....

(Suggest new stanza)

.....and with the {wind} [storm], ( so as not to duplicate the word wind)
{some} gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone, (not sure I understand the use of ‘smoothed’ here? Do you mean ‘hollowed a stone’ or ‘pooled/settled within a stone’s crevices’?)
expanded in the Winter’s cold when I was left alone,
where my {worka}day dreams play on and on,
I am always thinking of you...

(Suggest new stanza)

In the shallow solitude of my darkened room,
in blankets of sleep that surround the moon, (good imagery)
I am always thinking of you...

(Suggest new stanza)

...and someday, maybe you will know,
maybe you will remember me,
maybe you will find me
sleeping in the snow{,}[.]

For wherever I am, and whatever I do,
I am always and forever thinking of you.

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

Hello again Cleo!

Thanks for liking the imagery. One of my most favorite things in the whole world is metaphor. Sometimes, I get so carried away with it that I forget the little details like commas and such.
I really do try to put as much emotion into my writing as I can, and sticking to earthy imagery just seems to work for me.

["burnished by an acorn wind" ] Here, I was thinking of being burnished or branded emotionally by the ease and fluidity of painful memories. I do like your suggestion about using the word, "beleaguered," to describe the wind. I guess I could say, "carried along by beleaguered wind." "Acorn wind," suggests an Autumnal scene but so does the word,"ghosts."
Believe me when I say that I have changed this a hundred times.

My original premise for this work was to keep it short and simple. I wanted the opening lines to set a mood of melancholy with the lines just sort of stumbling out.

["some gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone,"] Here, the rain smoothes, or in other words, finds it`s way, with the aid of the wind, into crevices within the stone. When Winter comes, the water freezes and expands, thus cracking the rock which would be very painful if a rock had feeling. It`s during my workday that the memories come. The poem is just meant to capture the moment. I just thought to ramble on with extra stanzas would deminish it`s effectiveness.

I`m kinda tired of this one, but hopefully I will be able to do some editing to it soon. I`ll just "smooth" a few of your very good suggestions under my wing until my ear can hear this one again. Thanks again, Cleo.

Keith

Hi Keith.

A sad piece here for sure but filled with great imagery. It's a pleasure to read how loneliness can be described with nature. I love the metaphorical aspects of writing!

This is a good piece to demonstrate the emotional ties.

Here are some thoughts to ponder.

Regards,
~Cleo

[+] {-} (comment)

My passions, soggy with your memory,
like formless tides wash over me;
passing over like ghosts{;}[,]
burnished by acorn wind; (confused, how about:
burnished by besieged or beleaguered wind ?)
weeping within my own skin....

(Suggest new stanza)

.....and with the {wind} [storm], ( so as not to duplicate the word wind)
{some} gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone, (not sure I understand the use of ‘smoothed’ here? Do you mean ‘hollowed a stone’ or ‘pooled/settled within a stone’s crevices’?)
expanded in the Winter’s cold when I was left alone,
where my {worka}day dreams play on and on,
I am always thinking of you...

(Suggest new stanza)

In the shallow solitude of my darkened room,
in blankets of sleep that surround the moon, (good imagery)
I am always thinking of you...

(Suggest new stanza)

...and someday, maybe you will know,
maybe you will remember me,
maybe you will find me
sleeping in the snow{,}[.]

For wherever I am, and whatever I do,
I am always and forever thinking of you.

[Guest_ferns_*]

This is so lyrical, it could be sung...I hear mandolins in the background. Here are some thoughts to use or lose as you see fit. Your imagery is lovely.
Regards,
Ferns

(remove) *add*

My passions, soggy with your memory,
like formless tides wash over me;
passing over like ghosts;
burnished by (acorn) *kelp-stained* wind(

**new stanza here**

(w) Weeping within my own skin....
.....and with the wind,
some gentle rain (has) smoothed inside a stone,
expanded in the Winter`s cold when I was left alone,
(where) my workaday dreams play on and on,

**new stanza here**

I am always thinking of you...
In the shallow solitude of my darkened room,
in blankets of sleep that surround the moon,

**new stanza here**

I am always thinking of you...
...and someday,( maybe) you (will)*might* know,
maybe you will remember me,
(maybe) *perhaps* you will find me
sleeping in the snow.

**new stanza here**

For wherever I am, and whatever I do,
I am always and forever thinking of you.

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

Hello Ferns,

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this one and comment. I never thought of this piece as being lyrical, but several others have said the same.

As much as I want to keep the, "acorn wind," metophor, it`s probably going to have to go. Everyone seems to agree that it just takes the reader away from the general feeling set forth at the beginning. That`s actually a metaphor that I came up with many, many years ago but never used in a poem until now. It just never seemed to fit anything I was writing.
I suppose I can just keep it tucked away a little longer for another future poem. Hopefully, I`ll get back to this one soon with some revisions. Thanks again.

Keith

This is so lyrical, it could be sung...I hear mandolins in the background. Here are some thoughts to use or lose as you see fit. Your imagery is lovely.
Regards,
Ferns

(remove) *add*

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello again Cleo!

Thanks for liking the imagery. One of my most favorite things in the whole world is metaphor. Sometimes, I get so carried away with it that I forget the little details like commas and such.
I really do try to put as much emotion into my writing as I can, and sticking to earthy imagery just seems to work for me.

["burnished by an acorn wind" ] Here, I was thinking of being burnished or branded emotionally by the ease and fluidity of painful memories. I do like your suggestion about using the word, "beleaguered," to describe the wind. I guess I could say, "carried along by beleaguered wind." "Acorn wind," suggests an Autumnal scene but so does the word,"ghosts."
Believe me when I say that I have changed this a hundred times.

My original premise for this work was to keep it short and simple. I wanted the opening lines to set a mood of melancholy with the lines just sort of stumbling out.

["some gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone,"] Here, the rain smoothes, or in other words, finds it`s way, with the aid of the wind, into crevices within the stone. When Winter comes, the water freezes and expands, thus cracking the rock which would be very painful if a rock had feeling. It`s during my workday that the memories come. The poem is just meant to capture the moment. I just thought to ramble on with extra stanzas would deminish it`s effectiveness.

I`m kinda tired of this one, but hopefully I will be able to do some editing to it soon. I`ll just "smooth" a few of your very good suggestions under my wing until my ear can hear this one again. Thanks again, Cleo.

Keith

Hi Keith.

Metaphors are fun, aren't they? I you haven't caught it yet, in every post I write (poetry or prose) I use metaphors. You will also find more than one meaning to my work if you look for it.

You might also consider: swept away (or along) by beleaguered wind. Now, having actually lived in a haunted house in my teens, I never think of ghosts only in Autumn - they're around all the time (for me anyway) so this is why I never made that connection to 'acorn'.

The rain smooths - settling into cracks which might then split open by forces of ice/wind in Winter. I think you might need to further expand that one IF you want to show the hurt/pain of that passing of seasons. Maybe 'as seasons shift' might work at the beginning of that line? You could expand the thought further by saying something about the winter's harshness splitting or cracking apart?

Just some thoughts....

Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

WOW, you`re really good, Cleo! As much as I`ve looked at this poem, I`ve never thought that changing that particular line could work so well. How does this sound:

"With seasons` shift, some gentle rain has smoothed inside a stone."

I think if I use, "as," it would force me to change tense, therefore, I would have to modify the "has smoothed" part, and that might throw everything off a bit too much. What do you think?....Also, is "seasons" plural/possessive? Should there be a comma after the "s" or before? Or, should it be there at all? I`m a little confused.

I really like, "swept along by beleaguered wind," too. Maybe you`ll just have to be co-author with me on this one.....LOL....I do love metaphor. Just remember, Cleo, I am a ghost!

Someone had mentioned to me that they had trouble associating the Autumn with the sea but I disagree (and that rhymes...lol...) Although I`ve never lived in the Northeastern part of the country or by the sea, they do have beautiful Fall there by the sea, I suppose, with acorns being blown around by the wind. Maybe it`s because I lived in Chicago by Lake Michigan for so long. You could walk by the lake there, which looks alot like the ocean, and in the Fall, which was always my favorite time of year there, you could see acorns in Grant Park being tussled by the wind. The squirrels would always find them and eat them. I guess I`m starting to ramble too much. Anyway, thank you so much for your help with this poem. I was just about ready to dissect this one.

Keith

`

Hi Keith.

Metaphors are fun, aren't they? I you haven't caught it yet, in every post I write (poetry or prose) I use metaphors. You will also find more than one meaning to my work if you look for it.

You might also consider: swept away (or along) by beleaguered wind. Now, having actually lived in a haunted house in my teens, I never think of ghosts only in Autumn - they're around all the time (for me anyway) so this is why I never made that connection to 'acorn'.

The rain smooths - settling into cracks which might then split open by forces of ice/wind in Winter. I think you might need to further expand that one IF you want to show the hurt/pain of that passing of seasons. Maybe 'as seasons shift' might work at the beginning of that line? You could expand the thought further by saying something about the winter's harshness splitting or cracking apart?

Just some thoughts....

Cheers
~Cleo