The Potion, Rage Options

[Eisa]

I put the poem `The Witch's Brew' on another site and someone said it needed more teeth    so I rewrote it with more teeth ...  just watch you don't get bitten!


I have expanded the final stanza as I thought I had not made enough of the feelings after the potion/anger has worn off.

The Witch's Potion  (revision of rewrite)


The Punch is mixed! … vile effervescent brew
unleashing foul emotions from your soul;
as evil tongues and gobs of venom stew,
you’ll soon succumb to drink and lose control.
Revenge is sprinkled with impatient spice,
obsession stirs to simmer in her pot;
Disdain is poached with envy to entice
a craving lust … imbibed while steaming hot.


Seduced, you drool … and slowly swig at first,
until dependent on the poisonous cup;
then guzzle quickly … quench an urgent thirst
and feel the madness slowly bubble up.
The potion’s vicious malice starts its flow
within your veins, as hands begin to shake;
with gasping breath a toxic tongue will grow
a fiery flame, and make poor victims quake.


A throbbing fury bursts out from its shell
disgorging fervid words that scorch with pain;
transformed, your face becomes a fiend from hell
that shrieks with rage, so stirring up disdain.
The cocktail fogs your mind, but soon it clears
as venom’s drained. Belligerence will ebb;
the ugly ogre slowly disappears
and prey is freed from angers tangled web.


Normality resumes; you feel a chill
to realise your words felt like a smack.
In disbelief your sorrow overspills
towards the heart, destroyed by your attack
Remorse outpours too late when hearts are rent;
as fires of wrath die out, the witch will leave
her mischief made. Emotions  fully spent,
you start to wonder …what did I achieve?


The Potion  ( Original rewrite )

The potion's made ... a foul, ferocious brew
for pent-up feelings, deep inside your soul.
demonic tongues with gobs of venom stew.
If you succumb to drink you’ll lose control.

Disdain is seasoned with emotion’s spice,
revenge is stirred and simmered in her pot,
impatience, envy, sprinkled to entice
a craving lust; imbibed while it’s still hot

Seduced you drool ,so sip it slow at first
until you’re hooked on poison from her cup,
then guzzle quick to quench an urgent thirst
and feel that madness slowly bubble up.

When through your veins her vicious venom flows,
your head begins to spin and hands will shake;
with gasping breath a toxic tongue will grow
a fiery flame, to make poor victims quake.

Wild fury throbs to burst out from its shell
and strike with blazing words that burn with pain.
Your face becomes a demon out of hell,
while rampant raging tongues  induce disdain.

This monstrous mixture clouds your mind, but clears
when deadly words are drained and tempers ebb.
The ugly ogre slowly disappears
and prey escapes from angers tangled  web.

Yet sorrow flows too late if hearts are rent
when fires of wrath die out the hag will leave
her mischief made. Emotions  fully spent,
you start to wonder …what did I achieve?






The Witch’s Brew (original)


When anger stirs, you’ve sipped an evil brew.
It simmers now, perhaps in you.
A fiery tongue will scorch with flames, to lash
out words, that burn poor souls to ash.


A potion swallowed from the witch’s cup,
brings toxic anger bubbling up
to spit out angry words that sting with pain,
but fiery fury can induce disdain.


Your pent-up feelings eat away your soul,
so drain that venom,keep control.
Vile poison plagues and festers foul disease;
enchanted brew will not appease.


Tirade is seasoned by the hag and stewed,
but games of words should not be brewed,
For fires of rage soon die, the witch will leave;
you'll wonder   “what did I achieve”

[Athena]

Hi Snow,

I see you've come up with a toothier model of the original write.  

Although the subject matter is not exactly my cup of tea,  your words have  created quite an image and that's what's most important; it's well written in Snow's talented language and certainly tells the tale well.

Keep up the good work, Gal!    

Blessings,
Dolly    

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

I see you've come up with a toothier model of the original write.  

Although the subject matter is not exactly my cup of tea,  your words have  created quite an image and that's what's most important; it's well written in Snow's talented language and certainly tells the tale well.

Keep up the good work, Gal!    

Blessings,
Dolly    

Hi Dolly



Glad you can see more teeth in this revision  :wizard:


Love Snow

[Guest_verchMorrighan_*]

Hey Snow~

I'm so much of a

here that I really don't know how much critique to offer, so I started in on one of yours because I figured you could humor me if I make a fool of myself?

Meter-- seems to always be what I look at in your work, because you're good at it, you know...

IP this time instead of Iambic tetrameter... I think the tetrameter flows nicer because of the shorter lines, but that can't apply to this work...

The witch concocts a foul, ferocious brew
for pent-up feelings, deep inside your soul.
Vile devil’s tongues with gobs of venom stew.
If you succumb to drink you’ll lose control.

I would change around punctuation in the first stanza. lose the comma in the second line, and the third line is a fragment.

Tirade is seasoned with emotion’s spice,
revenge is stirred and simmered in her pot,
impatience, envy, sprinkled to entice
a craving lust; imbibed while it’s still hot

I always read tirade as a trochee rather than an iamb...
I might change around the punctuation, but anything I would change would be only cosmetic.

Seduced you drool ,so sip it slow at first
until you’re hooked on poison from her cup,
then guzzle quick to quench an urgent thirst
and feel that fury slowly bubble up.

Typo on the comma in L1 of this stanza, space should be after the comma...
I really really like this stanza.

When through your veins her vicious venom flows,
your head begins to spin and hands will shake;
with gasping breath a toxic tongue will grow
a fiery flame, to make poor victims quake.

That one also-- nice imagery and graphics.

Wild fury throbs to burst out from its shell
and strike with blazing words that burn with pain.
Your face becomes a demon out of hell,
while rampant raging tongues  induce disdain.



This monstrous mixture clouds your mind, but clears
when deadly words are drained and tempers ebb.
The ugly ogre slowly disappears
and prey escapes from angers tangled  web.

anger's.

Yet sorrow flows too late if hearts are rent
when fires of wrath die out the hag will leave
her mischief made. Emotions  fully spent,
you start to wonder …what did I achieve?

I love this-- the meter in the beginning is a little mild, but you slip into it more and more as it progresses...

I feel so... strange posting in a new forum, hope I don't make too much a fool of meself.

It does say complex critique up there, right?


Salem

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Snow,
I'll take a pint.

seriously, this is like a Jeykll & Hyde tale, only with much more embellishment.
A combination too of a Lost Weekend, pink elephants, and a LSD trip gone sour. Yet it has a diauretic effect in that there is some salvation. Rhyme scheme worked well. The imagery, good enough not to ask for a date.
Larry

[Guest_Brahms_*]

Aye, Snow quite a brew you've brought and mixed
to serve with your rhythm provided.  Also not
experienced in downing such drink as this,
yet your drawing such a potion satisfies
those types of writers - I can picture
W. Shakespeare enjoying penning
such or listening to such over an
evening's ale.  To thee,

Brahms

[Eisa]

Hello Salem


It's good to see you here ... and crit in your usual way. You will never make a fool of yourself! Your suggestions have always been very good for me. :pharoah2

I have taken on board your thoughts here

It really is good to have you around.




See you again soon
Snow  

[Eisa]

Hi Larry

Snow,
I'll take a pint.

Hey ... if you have a pint, I'm keeping out of your way for a while
seriously, this is like a Jeykll & Hyde tale, only with much more embellishment.

Mmm ... Jeykll and Hyde ... didn't think of that one

A combination too of a Lost Weekend, pink elephants, and a LSD trip gone sour. Yet it has a diauretic effect in that there is some salvation. Rhyme scheme worked well. The imagery, good enough not to ask for a date.
Larry

Watch what you drink now!!      


Snow

[Eisa]

Hello Brahms

I was only thinking about you last week as I hadn't seen you for a while. nice to see you again.

Aye, Snow quite a brew you've brought and mixed
to serve with your rhythm provided.  Also not
experienced in downing such drink as this,
yet your drawing such a potion satisfies
those types of writers - I can picture
W. Shakespeare enjoying penning
such or listening to such over an
evening's ale.  To thee,

Brahms

Thanks for your nice comments

Snow

[Eisa]

Hello there

A first revision of the rewrite

Snow  

[Arnfinn]

Good Day Eisa,


I see your poem as a witches brew of unrestrained emotion. Of getting oneself in such a foul mood, that you you say terrible things to someone you love. Then later wish that you hadn't said them.


Perhaps its just me. I thought you writing had a good balance of metre.

Regards,

Arnie

[Guest__*]

Dear Snow

Errrr ... I have to confess I preferred the previous version. Seems "tighter" to me.

Love
Alan

[Siren]

Snow,

I know I've been remiss in visiting your spectacular work for too long...

Talk about teeth! :)

You really enhanced this... I'm short on time now but will be back with more thorough thoughts perhaps later tonight...

Just wanted to touch base with you and tell you I loved this.

Hugs
Daniah

PS: Hope all's well with mom and you...

[Eisa]

Good Day Eisa,


I see your poem as a witches brew of unrestrained emotion. Of getting oneself in such a foul mood, that you you say terrible things to someone you love. Then later wish that you hadn't said them.

You got it Arnie

Perhaps its just me. I thought you writing had a good balance of metre.

I hope so too
Regards,

Arnie

Hi Arnie

Thanks  for calling  


Best wishes
Snow  

[Eisa]

Dear Snow

Errrr ... I have to confess I preferred the previous version. Seems "tighter" to me.

Love
Alan

Hello Alan


I appreciate your honest opinion



Thanks

Love Snow

[Eisa]

Snow,

I know I've been remiss in visiting your spectacular work for too long...

Talk about teeth! :)

You really enhanced this... I'm short on time now but will be back with more thorough thoughts perhaps later tonight...

Just wanted to touch base with you and tell you I loved this.

Hugs
Daniah

PS: Hope all's well with mom and you...

Hi Daniah


Good to hear from you. yes I have gone to town here but did wonder if I'd gone over the top    

Glad you enjoyed it anway :pharoah2

Mum's doing quite well, yet I see her slowly deteriorating. I really will send you a message soon and tell you.

Love and hugs

Snow

[Siren]

Dearest Snow,

I'll await your message impatiently... Sending loads of hugs your way... :)

Daniah