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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Famous Poet Works -> Legendary Libations _ Pablo Neruda: Violines (from El mar y las campanas)

Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain May 13 09, 13:48

My first translation from the Spanish language ever. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Violins, thank you for this day
of four chords. Pure
is the sound of the sky
the azure voice of air.

.............................................

Gracias, violines, por este dia
De cuatro cuerdas. Puro
Es el sonido del cielo
La voz azul del aire.

Posted by: Psyche May 13 09, 14:57

Hi Mark!
I don't think this is a forum for critiques, but being on the Staff and considering the shortage of moderators & critics due to ill-health and personal troubles, maybe I won't be thrown out...LOL....

My feedback is quite brief, you've done a great job!

QUOTE (Marc-Andre Germain @ May 13 09, 20:48 )

My first translation from the Spanish language ever. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Violins, I thank you for this day
of four chords. Pure
is the sound of the sky
the azure voice of air.

I would remove 'I' in L1.
I also notice that you've not used initial Caps. Altho' some people say they're old-fashioned, I've noticed their frequent use in vanguard-ist poetry, the kind without punctuation and unevenly spaced lines. Up-to-date, in fact!
BTW, I love Neruda. My guess is that you'll not attempt to translate his '20 poemas de amor' or maybe parts of CANTO GENERAL. This last epic protest poem has some fantastic stanzas.

I saw your translation of Baudelaire and wanted to comment, but you didn't ask.
Congrats and keep 'em comin',
Syl***
.............................................

Gracias, violines, por este dia
De cuatro cuerdas. Puro
Es el sonido del cielo
La voz azul del aire.

Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain May 13 09, 20:47

Sylvia,

Thanks for reading and for the critique :) I studied Spanish 16 years ago, but haven't used it since, so it's very poor, which is why I've started with this short and simple one. I will correct L1 and consider initial caps; in the edition I've got, Neruda didn't use them.

And by the way, you may assume that I'll attempt just about anything. lol. Even though some of it will be doomed to failure, I believe the exercise will be worthwhile. And if it turns to be too hard, then perhaps I'll make homophonic translations (transposing to the closest English sounds regardless of meaning), one of the methods I use for my non-intentional compositions to generate raw material in which I attempt to "discover" or "unearth" a poem.

Mark