If only I could stop time Options

[Guest_Billydo_*]

If only I could stop time

I'm scared every time she 'goes out',
dressed-up to the nines, bloomin' gorgeous;
daft as a daffodil, for askin' to be picked.

And you, why are you not so worried?
'cause she has your sense, your bluff,
your  'grab life by the throat and shake it' bravado.

I open the door; greet them
with my best gravelly, gruff, growl; peer deep
into their souls. I know their maggoty intentions.

Not quite as asked: I unsmile sweetly at them,
watch the largest shrivel in his shoes; speak drivel;
fidget; voice diminish to nervy Mickey Mouse giggle.

Grown up? She is my little girl.
vernix coated, freshly born, warm in my arms,
champing boney granite gums in a fruitless food hunt -

not the last time she caused me pain.
Now, bouncing off she goes, laughter chiming,
unaware of the time. If only I could stop time.


First version


If only I could stop time

I'm scared every time she goes out,
dressed-up to the nines, bloomin' gorgeous;
daft as a daffodil, for askin' to be picked.

And you, why are you not so worried?
Is it because she has your sense, your bluff,
your - grab life by the throat and shake it - bravado?

I open the door to them, greet them
with my best growling, gruff tone; peer deep
into their souls. I know their maggoty intentions.

Not quite as asked: I unsmile sweetly at them,
watch the largest shrivel in his shoes; speak drivel;
fidget; voice diminish to nervy Mickey Mouse giggle.

Grown up? She is just my little girl.
vernix coated, fresh born, warm in my arms,
champing boney granite gums in a fruitless food hunt -

not the last time she caused me pain.
Now, bouncing off she goes, laughter chiming,
unaware of the time. If only I could stop time.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Billydo,

At least you are trying to be a parent contrasted to kick-them-out as soon as possible.  Knowing a minimum of math to be dangerous, I have little difficulty stopping or even reversing time with negative numbers.  It's all abstraction, is it not?

Sorta reminds me of Jim Croce's song, "Time in a Bottle."  I guess maybe the practical way of holding time is stuff it in a bottle or take a silver or digital snapshot picture.  

Keep your memories and let the spinning top free.

Speaking of free, what am I doing over here in free verse territory?

Don

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Don

Glad you wandered over to have a look.

My sales manager read this, having recently asked his girlfriend's Dad for her hand, and said he saw he self same deep peering look in her Father's eyes, albeit for the briefest of moments.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers

Mike

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Mike,

>M>having recently asked his girlfriend's Dad for her hand,

Gosh do people still do that - sounds so old-fashioned!

Interesting poem on a good theme (When I was training to be a teacher one of my tutors explained to us how he always gave his daughter's boyfriends a hard time (so to speak!) because he knew what he was like at their age.

OK, your poem...

"daft as a daffodil, for askin' to be picked.

Why "for askin'," not "asking for" - sounds oddly twisted?
Why are daffodils daft? Another local expression or a new one?

"your - grab life by the throat and shake it - bravado?

Suggest "grab... it" put in italics

"into their souls. I know their maggoty intentions.

maggoty intentions - Freud lives on in maggots! Wow.

"vernix coated, fresh born, warm in my arms,

New word to me - "vernix" Ta.

Interesting!

Thanks for the read, J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Mike

When my 15 year old daughter first started going out with her boyfriend, I thought that my husband would react in much the same way that you have.  Surprisingly he is very welcoming when he comes over.

I enjoyed the poem and had to chuckle at your annoyance that your wife doesn't see things the way you do.  Fathers and daughters - sensitive territory.

Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi, Mike

Scary stuff for anyone with a daughter. I reckon I'll have to nobble the fella - lock him in the boom closet or something -  when our Ellie has a boyfriend due to call in a few years time ...

daft as a daffodil, for askin' to be picked.

I looked at that line and wondered if it should be "fair askin' " ... and then I decided that at a certain age I was most definitely askin to be picked, lol, and was certainly daft as a brush for wishing ...

And you, why are you not so worried?
Is it because she has your sense, your bluff,
your - grab life by the throat and shake it - bravado?

It's all a front ... (or maybe not)

I unsmile sweetly at them,

Excellent line, LOL; can imagine the effect on the poor wee lads: utter terror.

champing boney granite gums in a fruitless food hunt -

not the last time she caused me pain.

Ouch! Not uncommon, though, lol.

If only I could stop time.

Lovely echoes of feeling against the clock throughout.

Thanks, Mike

Fran

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi James

"daft as a daffodil, for askin' to be picked.

Why "for askin'," not "asking for" - sounds oddly twisted?
Why are daffodils daft? Another local expression or a new one?

The phrase just popped into my head, I liked it, so I looked for justification. I don't know if it is a saying, but daff is a word for someone who is daft. I wonder if that's where daffy duck came from?

In so searching I discovered that 'daft as a brush' relates to sweeps' boys because they so often fell down the chimleys onto their 'eads.

For askin' because I am saying that both bloom and child are daft because they are asking to be picked.

"your - grab life by the throat and shake it - bravado?

Suggest "grab... it" put in italics

Top idea.

"into their souls. I know their maggoty intentions.

maggoty intentions - Freud lives on in maggots! Wow.

I'm on a mission to get as many maggots into poems as possible. :)

"vernix coated, fresh born, warm in my arms,

New word to me - "vernix" Ta.

Interesting!

Ta! Yer welcome, lad.

Cheers

Mike

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Nina

Thanks.

I am exaggerating slightly. I'm not that bad. When I shake their hands, I stop squeezing after I hear the first crack.

Cheers

Mike

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Fran

And you, why are you not so worried?
Is it because she has your sense, your bluff,
your - grab life by the throat and shake it - bravado?

It's all a front ... (or maybe not)

My Liz seems to be much more philosophical about this dating lark. I was their age once. I know what goes on in their heads.

champing boney granite gums in a fruitless food hunt -

not the last time she caused me pain.

Ouch! Not uncommon, though, lol.

That surprised me. Something I will never forget, I can assure you.

If only I could stop time.

Lovely echoes of feeling against the clock throughout.

Thanks. I'm getting quite a collection of 'Pink Thing' poems.

Cheers

Mike

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Mike,

I really enjoyed this.  I could imagine you staring down
every boy who came to the door!  

My only "nit" is with the last stanza.  You've used "time"
3 times.

Cathy

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Cathy

Thank you.

I realise about the three times time.

The first means occassion, the second for historical time and the third for ageing.

I have tried replacing one of them but the poem gets naff.

I am open to suggestion.

Cheers

Mike
:)

[JustDaniel]

This is about the fourth time I've tried to respond to this, Mike... and I have to leave again.  But this time at least I'm gonna tell you how much I identified with this.

Thankfully I'm past the time that I 'interviewed' one of my four daughters' suitors... and none of them ever really 'dated' since we encouraged them to really get to know the persons they were interested in with the help of a GROUP of close friends, who would successfully filter out the realities of the person in question... since in a group, no one can wear a mask for long.  SOMEone will see beneath it.  They have developed some long-term, lasting friendships through that 'method' -- male and female... and taught THEM a thing or two about the foibles of 'dating' too.

Anyhow, thanks for the enjoyable read, Mike.

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Psyche]

Hi Mike !  :sun:

Thought I'd drop around to view your latest worries concerning your "pink things"...  :grinning:  Keep 'em trembling in their boots, that's the way, even if u know you're going to give in. They'll not guess. Reminds me of Steve Martin in The Father of the Bride...  :speechless:  :upside:

You know, you've worked "times" so well that for a moment you had me confused, I thought O me gosh, Mike's REALLY talking about his little baby girl in arms...  :oops:  You've handled time very adroitly throughout.

I open the door to them, greet them
with my best growling, gruff tone; peer deep
into their souls. I know their maggoty intentions.


HAHA... their maggoty intentions ! Priceless. Methinks maybe you remember your own, not so far back?!  

A great poem, amusing but sad all the same, and i love the title..  :pharoah2

Congrats,
Sylvia  :turtle:

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Thanks Daniel

Thanks Sylvia.

Those maggoty intentions are buried deep in my past. But yes, I do remember them.

A great poem, amusing but sad all the same,

That's just what I hoped to achieve.

Ta

Mike

[AMETHYST]

Hi Billy

Please forgive me if I repeat what others might have said, I have limited time and would like to focus on critique. I liked this very much. I felt the drama, the emotional energy and the fullness of the issue. A nice take on an original theme. Not too often do I read poetry on the woes and heartaches of parenting and you've captured the moments quite well.

Some minor tweaking suggestions to follow. I felt there was poss too many 'them' included.

Best Regards, Liz

If only I could stop time

I would suggest a consideration for a new title. I thought it was most powerful as the ending line. I will be back with possible alternatives later.

I'm scared every time she goes out,
dressed-up to the nines, bloomin' gorgeous;
daft as a daffodil, for askin' to be picked.

S1 could be enhanced by some weeding out and shifting to power words, such as L1, "...she goes out' seems so weak when compared to the incident inwhich it is suppose to lead the reader into.L2, I would omit 'up and gorgeous, Loved the play on flowers/picking and gardens... It is a wonderful metaphor to growing our children from seeds and you have done this quite well. Some thoughts on alternatives if you are interested.

perhaps...

I'm scared each time she leaves,
dressed-to the nines, bloomin'  
daft as a daffodil, just askin' to be picked.


And you, why are you not so worried?
Is it because she has your sense, your bluff,
your - grab life by the throat and shake it - bravado?

I like how S2, slides the focus to mom, and how the stanza kind of allows the reader a peek into what fuels these fears. I interrpret this as the father (being the narrator) turns to his wife (the mom) and remembers all the things that lured him about her and how things have not changed with young men and their intentions, this knowledge and memory flares the fears... I also like the voice you've chosen ...

Some enhancing suggestions for your consideration...

And you-stay without a worry in the world,
'cause she has your sense, your bluff,
that "grab life by the throat and shake it" bravado...

The omittance of questions and changing it into statements adds a sense of drama, a more accusing tone. I used the word 'stay' in line to bounce on the image of the word 'leave' in S1. she leaves/ you stay not going after her...

 

I open the door to them, greet them
with my best growling, gruff tone; peer deep
into their souls. I know their maggoty intentions.

L1, the repeat of them is unnecessary. Also, 'greet' isn't needed.
Perhaps...

I open the door to them,
with my best gruff growl; peer deep
into their soul. I know their maggoty intentions.

Excellent 3rd line.


Not quite as asked: I unsmile sweetly at them,
watch the largest shrivel in his shoes; speak drivel;
fidget; voice diminish to nervy Mickey Mouse giggle.

I would suggest omitting this entire stanza. It felt like filler, it is the next stanza that holds the readers attention.

Grown up? She is just my little girl.
vernix coated, fresh born, warm in my arms,
champing boney granite gums in a fruitless food hunt -

L1, omit 'just' it makes the idea of the daughter being his little girl somewhat miscellaneous.Perhaps better still..
Grown up? She's still my little girl.
L2, 'fresh born" ??? Did you mean first born? or fresh like in new born? ... Perhaps... nascent, which means 'coming into existence, emerging... ' L3, perhaps omitting champing doesn't fit the view, infact I think the line itself seems out of place. This seems to set the reader up with a sense of just born feeling, the delicacy of a newborn, perhaps... the scent of baby the spills of innocence. Then perhaps adding an additional stanza (if you omit the other one prior to this it won't make the poem too lengthy. This new stanza could work from the daughter being born, to her teething and milestones that her dad made steps and hurts with.  so you can connect that final stanza to the pains of uncut finger nailes that are like razorblades.. especially when they grab your nose.. LOL

Let's see..

Grown up? She's still my little girl,
vernix coated, nascently warm in my arms
and baby scents spill of innocence.





L2, perhaps...

not the last time she caused me pain.
Now, bouncing off she goes, laughter chiming,
ticking, unaware of the clock. Oh, If only I could stop time.

Well, please use what you would like... Best Regards, Liz

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Liz

Please forgive me if I repeat what others might have said, I have limited time and would like to focus on critique. I liked this very much. I felt the drama, the emotional energy and the fullness of the issue. A nice take on an original theme. Not too often do I read poetry on the woes and heartaches of parenting and you've captured the moments quite well.

Nothing to forgive. I'm grateful that people enjoy and take the time to critique my poems.

I would suggest a consideration for a new title. I thought it was most powerful as the ending line. I will be back with possible alternatives later.

I'm scared every time she goes out,
dressed-up to the nines, bloomin' gorgeous;
daft as a daffodil, for askin' to be picked.

S1 could be enhanced by some weeding out and shifting to power words, such as L1, "...she goes out' seems so weak when compared to the incident inwhich it is suppose to lead the reader into.L2, I would omit 'up and gorgeous, Loved the play on flowers/picking and gardens... It is a wonderful metaphor to growing our children from seeds and you have done this quite well. Some thoughts on alternatives if you are interested.

perhaps...

I'm scared each time she leaves,
dressed-to the nines, bloomin'  
daft as a daffodil, just askin' to be picked.

Yeah, I wondered about the title. The whole poem is a monologue and the silent party is my wife. Going out in Manchester means an occasion. We "go out to the shops" or "go out with Shazzogh (no diphthong or phonetic for the ending vowel sound ogh = o as in dog)" but to go out is a bit of a do. I  think I could strengthen it by quoting or using italics or both. 'Bloomin'" in Mancunian is like saying bloody but a milder swear word, and bloomin' gorgeous is a Manc saying. I used it to run on into the floral bloom.

And you, why are you not so worried?
Is it because she has your sense, your bluff,
your - grab life by the throat and shake it - bravado?

I like how S2, slides the focus to mom, and how the stanza kind of allows the reader a peek into what fuels these fears. I interrpret this as the father (being the narrator) turns to his wife (the mom) and remembers all the things that lured him about her and how things have not changed with young men and their intentions, this knowledge and memory flares the fears... I also like the voice you've chosen ...

Some enhancing suggestions for your consideration...

And you-stay without a worry in the world,
'cause she has your sense, your bluff,
that "grab life by the throat and shake it" bravado...

The omittance of questions and changing it into statements adds a sense of drama, a more accusing tone. I used the word 'stay' in line to bounce on the image of the word 'leave' in S1. she leaves/ you stay not going after her...

I like this idea. I have hybridised it as a question which I ask and answer.

I open the door to them, greet them
with my best growling, gruff tone; peer deep
into their souls. I know their maggoty intentions.

L1, the repeat of them is unnecessary. Also, 'greet' isn't needed.
Perhaps...

I open the door to them,
with my best gruff growl; peer deep
into their soul. I know their maggoty intentions.

Excellent 3rd line.  

I was stressing the us and them aspect. I agree with you though. I've added to the g alliteration so there is plenty of grrr.

Not quite as asked: I unsmile sweetly at them,
watch the largest shrivel in his shoes; speak drivel;
fidget; voice diminish to nervy Mickey Mouse giggle.

I would suggest omitting this entire stanza. It felt like filler, it is the next stanza that holds the readers attention.

It is a gentle stanza, meant to soften the poem with a little humour before the mood switches.

L1, omit 'just' it makes the idea of the daughter being his little girl somewhat miscellaneous.Perhaps better still..
Grown up? She's still my little girl.

Agreed ... thank you.

I have changed it to freshly born as in new born. I don't like nascent ... too much chemistry.

In the final stanza, I'm sticking with the repetition of time. Why? I just like it, it's what I would say.

Thank you very much Liz. Your critique made me ask myself many questions about the poem and it's circumstances. I love writing about my kids and they love reading the poems. More in the pipeline.

Cheers

Mike

[AMETHYST]

Hi Mike,

Your poem has nudged my muse to dally with a poem of my own daughter. It's funny how I write about all the things that are really detached from my life, rather than my closeest friends and family...I think I will start writing more about my family in the future. I've been in a deep writers block state and your poem also helped stir some ideas.. Thanks. I will keep up with any revisions and changes as they go.

Best To you, Liz

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Liz

I love writing about my family.

I've been reading Glyn Maxwell's poetry and I like the way he uses conversations.

I've done one in my own style but cannot post it until the weekend.

I'm pleased my jottings have nudged you.

Cheers

Mike :)