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> Serpent in the grass, Deceivement
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post Sep 12 03, 09:37
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The lies and ungreatful deeds that you weave are your sins.
The heart that once fevered with passion has now turned to stone.
Your kiss no longer drunkens me with desire or want of intamacy.
My womb is empty from the pain of your violations and it pleases me.
You have bruised my soul and broken my spirit with wounds to deep to heal.
I once thought of death by my own hands the only way to peace within.
It is only by the grace of my God that I exsist this day and for ever.
If any man deserved to see his grave before his time It would be you.
 
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Guest__*
post Sep 13 03, 10:43
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just a small point to consider:
:costume:

"I once thought of death by my own hands the only way to peace within.
It is only by the grace of my God that I exsist this day and for ever."


Maybe change one "only" to a different word? As having it twice so close doesnt sound too good.

dance.gif
 
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Guest_Brahms_*
post Sep 13 03, 11:20
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Very fine proclamation describing a scene/act of
violation sadly yet constructively portrayed.

Brahms
 
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Arnfinn
post Sep 14 03, 05:07
Post #4


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troy.gif

Hi

Free verse with and embittered lash.


The poem kinda looks like prose..........or a section out of a novel?

Maybe it may look better...........


The lies,
and ungreatful deeds,
that you weave
are your sins .........etc?


Just my thoughts.........Your piece reads well.........and the message is brought to the attention of the reader. grinning.gif

The title is aspt........and suits the poem :)


Til we meet again.

Regards


Arnie troy.gif  troy.gif


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Arnfinn

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Guest_Artemis_*
post Sep 14 03, 12:17
Post #5





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Hi Ruth...
I have not critiqued a poem in months.. but here goes.

First, there are some spelling errors that need to be corrected.. I don't know if it's part of your 'style' or not, but errors in spelling do distract from the quality of the writing. Care enough about the poem to honor the words, that sort of thing:
The lies and ungratefuldeeds that you weave are your sins.
The heart that once fevered with passion has now turned to stone. whose heart?
Your kiss no longer drunkens? not a word! me with desire or want of intamacy. how about intoxicates?, inebriates? besots?
My womb is empty from the pain of your violations and it pleases me.
You have bruised my soul and broken my spirit with wounds too deep to heal.
I once thought of death by my own hands the only way to peace within.
It is only by the grace of my God that I exist this day and for ever.
If any man deserved to see his grave before his time it would be you.


This poem seethes with anger.. my main suggestion would be to make that 'seething' come forth more clearly, by tightening up the lines. See what small words can be eliminated, and still keep the meaning and the 'feel' you want in this poem.  In other words, distill it... cut the 'chaff'...

example:
The lies and ungratefuldeeds that you weave are your sins.
The heart that once fevered with passion has now turned to stone.

You weave your sins with ingratitude and lies
My heart, once passion-fevered, turns to stone

I also think that finding a way to shorten the lines, and perhaps put a stanza break or two, so that the ideas are more clearly set apart from one another.

The last three lines are very powerful, but I think they could be *more* powerful if the lines were condensed by tighter word choices, and fewer words.

gena
Artemis
 
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Eisa
post Sep 18 03, 17:55
Post #6


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Referred By:Lori



QUOTE(Ruth @ Sep. 12 2003, 09:37)
The lies and ungreatful deeds
that you weave are your sins.
The heart that once fevered with passion
has now turned to stone.
Your kiss no longer drunkens me
with desire or want of intamacy.
My womb is empty from the pain
of your violations and it pleases me.
You have bruised my soul and broken my spirit
with wounds to deep to heal.
I once thought of death by my own hands
the only way to peace within.
It is only by the grace of my God
that I exsist this day and for ever.
If any man deserved to see his grave
before his time It would be you.

Hi Ruth

A very strong message here... but have to agree it is  written more like prose. I have rearranged your words in a more structured way, but there are other ways of doing this. Read.gif

Is drunkens a word?...I am not so sure!

I feel there are some unnecessary words here that could be missed out therefore giving more impact to your message...eg knight.gif

"Lies and ungrateful deeds
that weave your sins
a heart fervoured with passion
has turned to stone"

hope this has helped in some way Juggle.gif

Snow lovie.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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