A Visitation to Valor, Free Verse Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

A Visitation to Valor - Revised Jan 16 2005

Sunset breezes calm
chaotic surroundings.

In my outdoor haven,
nature’s melodies enhance
a visitation to valor.

Drifting on clouds of
my own creation,
I succumb willingly to  
welcome daydreams.

  ~     ~     ~     ~

The drawbridge lowers
welcoming citizens
to the king’s castle.

Oak-smoked aromas
tantalize a ravenous
convergence of knights.

Fair maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager
to mesmerize a
prospect pairing.

Flutes flutter and
drums dance to
renaissance rhythms.

“Would you care to
dance, m'lady?” asks
the victorious champion.

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, kind
sir knight.”

I close my eyes to
carry on this wistful
reverie and smile.

© Lorraine M Kanter

[Guest__*]

Dear Cleo

I knew there was something :

A visitation is something you RECEIVE.

I think you mean plain and simple VISIT ?

Love
Alan

[Arnfinn]

What Ho! M'lady

Flutes flutter and
drums dance to
the rhythm of
renaissance.>>>>>>>>>>Lovely meta44444s

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, kind
Sir Knight.”>>>> Dont ever say goodnight...to a Knight he he.

Lovey dovey, nice I Likes


Arnie .........the FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

OBTW OXFORD dICTIONARY.....VISITATIONcolloq

an unduly protracted visit or social call

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Cleo

I knew there was something :

A visitation is something you RECEIVE.

I think you mean plain and simple VISIT ?

Love
Alan

Hi Alan!  :knight:

Hmmmm- I went with visitation cuz in my Oxford dic, it describes it as: "an official visit or tour"...

In daydream world, this seems to fit to me? Making a visit to valor? I will think on this a bit more....

Thanks for stopping in!
Cheers...
Cleo  :tut:

[Cleo_Serapis]

What Ho! M'lady

Flutes flutter and
drums dance to
the rhythm of
renaissance.>>>>>>>>>>Lovely meta44444s

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, kind
Sir Knight.”>>>> Dont ever say goodnight...to a Knight he he.

Lovey dovey, nice I Likes


Arnie .........the FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

OBTW OXFORD dICTIONARY.....VISITATIONcolloq

an unduly protracted visit or social call

Heyyyyy Arnie!  :blush:

You made me realize I spelled milady incorrectly  :idea:, so thanks!

Ahhhh, that's my favorite stanza! I like meta444444's too!

Yes I like Oxford - thanks!
Cleo  :sun:

[Arnfinn]

Ah! Ha! M'lady,



M'lady may have replied......'It would be my honour kind Sir'
  M'lady and Sir doing rocknroll    

Arnie...the Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin

 

[Athena]

Lori, Lori, lori,

What an "surprising" delight!  

Of course I jest as your subject matter is most expected and your wee tale is a delight!  I enjoyed every word.  Hmmmmmm maybe more of us should invest a bit of time in writing poems and stories about people who lived in ancient times.

Of course I jest in aluding to your poetry, which is always sooo good!  This is another one, gal!  A super dooper one!

A good read!  Thanks for sharing!

Blessings,
Athena/Dolly    

[Aphrodite]

A Visitation to Valor

Sunset breezes calm
chaotic scenery. In my
outdoor haven, Nature’s
melodies enhance a
visitation to valor.

Drifting on clouds of
my own creation,
I succumb benignly to  
subservient daydreams.

  ~     ~     ~     ~

The drawbridge lowers
welcoming citizens
to the King’s Castle.

Aromas of hickory
smoked banquets
tantalize a ravenous
convergence of Knights.

Fair Maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager
to mesmerize a
prospect pairing.

Flutes flutter and
drums dance to
the rhythm of
renaissance.

“Would you care to
dance, M'lady?”, asks
the victor of the joust.

Elated, I reply,
“It would be my
honor, kind
Sir Knight.”

I close my eyes to
carry on the dream
in sleep, and smile.

© Lorraine M Kanter

Hey Cleo~

I enjoyed reading you imaginative medieval tale of valor and dance, as it flows with such creativity.    

Awesome job, Lori.          

In love~
Aphrodite (Lindi)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Lori, Lori, lori,

What an "surprising" delight!  

Of course I jest as your subject matter is most expected and your wee tale is a delight!  I enjoyed every word.  Hmmmmmm maybe more of us should invest a bit of time in writing poems and stories about people who lived in ancient times.

Of course I jest in aluding to your poetry, which is always sooo good!  This is another one, gal!  A super dooper one!

A good read!  Thanks for sharing!

Blessings,
Athena/Dolly    

Why hello Athena!  :lovie:

Tee hee  :blush:  :blush:  :blush:  :blush:  :angel: You are such an Angel! Thankies!  :dance:  :jester:


Glad you got into this one - this was actually one of the first I wrote at PK whcih gave me the idea to research more of the "ancient cities and peoples".....

I had planned to re-create this one into a short story, just haven't as of yet..... A good project, yes?

HUGS!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Cleo~

I enjoyed reading you imaginative medieval tale of valor and dance, as it flows with such creativity.    

Awesome job, Lori.          

In love~
Aphrodite (Lindi)

Hello the lovely Aphrodite! I just can't see calling ya Aphro,  :red: , the image just isn't right!

Now - this is the image for me:  :lovie:  :lovie:  :lovie:

Thank you - I remember bouncing this one to you for 'first impressions' way back when.....seems like centuries ago now!  :hat:  :pirate:  :jackbox:  :viking:  :grinning:  :p

HUGS!
~Cleo  :tut:

[Cleo_Serapis]

*bump*

Hoping to receive NEW crits on this one....

Thanks!
~Cleo

[Merlin]

Hello Cleo,

I ought to disqualify myself from commenting on free verse – it is an area I haven’t explored, only dabbled in.  Therefore, I’m not a good judge of the form.

I’d like, nonetheless, to make a coupla observations.  Foist, re the title – I went with the first comment, checked my dictionary and found that it is, in fact, a correct noun, even having humorous overtones when applied.  My thoughts for revision were replaced by thoughts of keeping it intact.

In V1, I believe that “scenery” is not the best choice of word to go with “chaotic”.  The two are almost opposed, and a substitute would not take anything away from the imagery.  “Surroundings”, for example, would fit since we are not concerned with meter.

“Nature’s” doesn’t rate a capital here; if so, then at least another half dozen or more words should have equal billing. (valor, visitation, melodies, etc.)

On to V3, “King’s Castle” doesn’t rate caps unless it is a place name, at which time “the” is superfluous.  Unless it is King John’s castle, “king” is just any old king… no cap.  Ibid in V4 for “Knights”.  Ibid for “Maidens”, V5.

V4, I’m wondering if a hyphenated “hickory-smoked” would eliminate the thought of a “smoked banquet”?

In V6, you could easily eliminate “the + of” to go with “renaissance rhythm” and still pass muster.

V7, no cap for "M’lady" unless that is her name.  No comma after the ? either.
Ibid in V8 for “Sir Knight”.  It would be interesting here to have a name for the jouster.

V9 is the one I would get the tool chest out for.  “carry on the dream in sleep”… as opposed to _ _ _  It’s a daydream; to become a dream would require sleep.  A modifier could really bring life to the sentence.  The floating dream, the wishful dream, this wistful dream… or… even nightmare, vision, fantasy, reverie, castle in the sky, trance, - or if the banquet was really smoked out – hallucination!  



I enjoyed your reverie.  Had I not, I would not have commented.  Please feel free to discard any of the above that does not apply to your style.

Best

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Merlin and apologies for such a tardy reply!

I enjoyed reading all your thoughts and suggestions for this piece, at the time - I believe it was only my second free verse atempt (the first one called "Snowfall").

I have incorporated all your suggestions and feel you've made this one a tad smoother and more punctually accurate.

Thanks so much kind sir....  :knight:

Cheers!
~Cleo  :cheer:

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lori,

This is interesting - must be one of the first things which you posted on MM.

I'm still thinking about it. Certainly the wording is beautifully tight - no problems there. Just trying to understand some things.

Perhaps you'd explain this, please:

I succumb benignly to  
subservient daydreams.

An interesting oxymotron but I'm a little stumped?

Cheers, James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cleo,

Summer daydreams to soothe us in the middle of our winter bleakness: lovely. I feel all warm and mellow ... until I open my eyes again.


I'm not sure why

I succumb benignly to  
subservient daydreams

is necessarily an oxymoron, James. I read it that the narator is content to be drawn into dreaming - drifting on clouds of my own creation;
perhaps

I succumb willingly to
subservient daydreams

might make that more obvious?

There is some flabulously flirtatious alliteration
Fair maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager
to mesmerize a
prospect pairing

A couple of nits:

Hickory-smoked aromas

sounds - to me (a Brit) -  like an American barbecue cook-out. Knights and fair maidens would be more European and (she whispers, cos she might be wrong) I don't think they have/had hickory as such. We do often have 'oak-smoked', though, which has nice alliteration.

the victor of the joust

is a bit of a mouthful and might shorten to

the victorious champion

since (if I remember my history) each lady would choose a "champion" and bestow her "favour" (perhaps a colored ribbon) on him. In a modern variation, last time we visited Warwick Castle, there was a fabulous jousting display (coreographed, of course, so no one is going to get killed) and the "good" knight rode around the edge of the "lists" and ladies in the crowd bestowed their favours and he seemed to be riding around with a few bits of underwear danging from his lance ... more like a rock concert, I guess.
                                                                                     
Thanks for the summer breezes,
Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran.

Oxymoron because how can one succumb to something which is subserient?

If one succumbs, the thing to which one succumbs cannot be subservient, ipso facto, can it? It has then taken a dominent role, surely?

That's also why I could not understand this.

That's all.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James, But if you are willing to submit, would that be different? We shall have to let Cleo decide, lol.
Cheers,
Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran, I disagree.

If one submits to something - whatever the motivation - then surely that something becomes dominent?

Whatever Lori meant is aside of that - the reason I didn't understand what she meant was that it seemes to me to be an oxymoron. Now Lori can say what she likes, of course, but I cannot see the words as given mean what you suggest she means - even if you're right about her intentions.


J.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori,

This is interesting - must be one of the first things which you posted on MM.

I'm still thinking about it. Certainly the wording is beautifully tight - no problems there. Just trying to understand some things.

Perhaps you'd explain this, please:

I succumb benignly to  
subservient daydreams.

An interesting oxymotron but I'm a little stumped?

Cheers, James.

Hello James!

To answer your question:

Drifting on clouds of
my own creation,
I succumb benignly {gently} to    
subservient (acquiescent) daydreams.

Does that help you?

Cheers!
Cleo  :pharoah:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cleo,

Summer daydreams to soothe us in the middle of our winter bleakness: lovely. I feel all warm and mellow ... until I open my eyes again.


I'm not sure why

I succumb benignly to  
subservient daydreams

is necessarily an oxymoron, James. I read it that the narator is content to be drawn into dreaming - drifting on clouds of my own creation;
perhaps

I succumb willingly to
subservient daydreams

might make that more obvious?

There is some flabulously flirtatious alliteration
Fair maidens flirt
flamboyantly, eager
to mesmerize a
prospect pairing

A couple of nits:

Hickory-smoked aromas

sounds - to me (a Brit) -  like an American barbecue cook-out. Knights and fair maidens would be more European and (she whispers, cos she might be wrong) I don't think they have/had hickory as such. We do often have 'oak-smoked', though, which has nice alliteration.

the victor of the joust

is a bit of a mouthful and might shorten to

the victorious champion

since (if I remember my history) each lady would choose a "champion" and bestow her "favour" (perhaps a colored ribbon) on him. In a modern variation, last time we visited Warwick Castle, there was a fabulous jousting display (coreographed, of course, so no one is going to get killed) and the "good" knight rode around the edge of the "lists" and ladies in the crowd bestowed their favours and he seemed to be riding around with a few bits of underwear danging from his lance ... more like a rock concert, I guess.
                                                                                     
Thanks for the summer breezes,
Fran

Hello Fran!  :rainbow:

Thanks so much for your feedback!  :sun:

Yes - I like your choice here of:

I succumb willingly to
subservient daydreams - now if I can find a word possibly that starts with 'w' to replace 'subservient'?


Oak-smoked it shall be along with  victorious champion methinks.  :pharoah2


Thanks again!  :cloud9:
~Cleo