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> Critiquer of the Month for March Nominations, now through Apr 5th
Cleo_Serapis
post Mar 24 07, 15:55
Post #1


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



vic.gif Calling all writers of the Mosaic! Viking.gif

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in MARCH. writersblock.gif

sings.gif hsdance.gif MusicBand.gif dance.gif claps.gif

Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs


The details:
  • Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of MARCH. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in March as well. detective.gif
  • Post the two examples in this thread.
  • Post only the CRITIQUES.
  • Make sure your example critiques are from the month of MARCH.
  • State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
  • Eligible forums:
    Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
    Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations
Nominations will be taken through April 5th, 2007.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.


Good luck all! king.gif cheer.gif
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic! lovie.gif dance.gif

~ Mosaic Musings Staff knight.gif Pharoah.gif cali.gif troy.gif vic.gif Viking.gif tut.gif knight.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_Cathy_*
post Apr 8 07, 07:31
Post #2





Guest






Oooops! I'm sorry this is a bit late but if it still counts...

I would like to nominate Eisa (Snow) for COM. Two examples...

Dinner's Served by Kathy in Seren's ~

Hi Kathy

This one has me rolling about laughing -- what a sense of humour you have!




QUOTE(Kathy @ Mar 21 07, 06:30 )
Dinner's Served.

We sit around the table. Mother serves
the meal, and we begin to eat, as clouds
of moths arrive to wing in spirals; fling
their bodies at the light, where they collide
to flutter stunned on to the table-cloth.

You have described the scene so well, this reader is intrigued and is drawn straight in. Clouds of moths is such a good description

A moth has landed in the gravy, where
it struggles desperately before it drowns
and spreads a milky stain of sodden scales.
The youngest child lets out a wail, "Oh no!
A moth is in my food. How can I eat!"

I wonder if “I cannot eat!” at the end of this line might give just a little more emphasis.

But Father scoffs; says "Moths won't kill you son,
for they're a staple meal for some, look here."
He snatches rapidly and captures one
fat bodied, flapping, dazed unfortunate,
and stuffs it in his mouth. We watch, amazed.

Tee hee! – I am amazed too!

The moment's led the man and moth into
a trap, and in a trice it dawns on him;
the trap is his big silly gob. A blob
of mothy-stuff is on his tongue, his eyes
go wide; he feels that wriggle there inside.

L1 -- I think 'The moment ....' might sound better

I wonder if you could think of another description other than 'mothy stuff' -- mothy dust? (oh yuk!)


And then we laugh. He has to swallow now
and when he does we lean back in our chairs
to gasp for air, collapse in helpless mirth,
and brush our tears away with shaking hands.
But Travis ate his meal, and now, though years

have gone, when moths fly round that time of year
we smile and call, "Hey Peter! Dinner's here."

You have described so well the laughter that I love to feel -- wish it would happen more often.
.
I’m so glad I’m not the only person who writes about eating insects. I wrote one (The Leopard’s Den) about crickets being fed to leopard geckos.

This is hilarious Kathy and I loved the squeamish enjoyment I got from it.



This is written in such a realistic way, I have to ask -- did it actually happen?

Snow


Lost to Altzheimers by Kathy in Herme's~

Hi Kathy

Your title immediately drew me in to this as my mother had Alzheimer's and as I read this (with tears in my eyes) I could see her spinning down into the fog as in your poem.

This is so beautiful in its poignancy, it's metaphor is subtle and your meter is superb. You curtsied to my Candy Clouds -- I return the curtsey here.

This is difficult to nit, but I'll try


QUOTE(Kathy @ Mar 19 07, 06:54 )
Lost to Alzheimers.


It's cold. I wake alone and crawl to blow
these embers into life. The mist is damp,
diffusing sunset mystically. A glow
extends across the lake where, from my camp,
I see a vee-shaped flight of ducks appear
at vision's end. They beat, beat, beat in line
becoming slowly clearer as they near
the shore. I count them. There are nine aligned

Perhaps 'It's cold' is passive as NDG suggests, but I can understand it. Perhaps 'I'm cold and wake ...'
personally I like the 'beat beat beat' as it makes me feel the rhythm of their wings.

I can see why NDG has mentioned 'at vision's end' (though I don't thinkI would have thought of it myself) as it leaves the question 'whose vision end?' perhpas rearranging words a little you could use distant instaed of visions end ~

I see a distant flight of ducks appear
vee-shaped and hear them beat, beat, beat in line

but one is falling, spinning down to crash
in frantic thrashes; suddenly its gone,
adrift in ashen fog. No ripples splash,
and all the other ducks keep flying on.

Perhaps

and all the rest continue flying on

I'm so afraid. I've tried in vain to spark
your memory to life. It's cold and dark.

This change at the end hits very hard (especially to me and others who've been there) and conveys the helplessness and loneliness that's felt.

You've done a wonderful job with this Kathy

Snow
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Apr 8 07, 07:34
Post #3


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Oo.gif Oops! I also forgot this month's nomination too - I'll second yours Cathy and be back with two examples as well shortly.

Cheers
~Cleo sun.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Apr 9 07, 18:22
Post #4


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



OK - the first critique by Snow is found in Seren's Synapse in AMETHYST's tile: Ambidextrous

QUOTE
Hi Liz,

This is a poem I think most can relate to as it is so difficult at time to write about out inner thoughts being easier to keep to the surface.


A few thoughts ~

Ambidextrous

I write

with my right hand,
precise...definite...artfully methodical
penmanship; ink that weaves itself,
as silk threads against a virgin leaf.

To my mind precise and definite are very close in meaning and this would flow better with just one.

I write

with my right hand,
precise, with artfully methodical
penmanship; ink weaves itself,
as silk threads against a virgin leaf.

Lovely descriptions in last2 lines


And yet, what I write
feels wrong. Neatly drawn words
fence in the honesty, like horses
confined in orderly corrals,
keeping secrets locked, withering
as dying seeds, settling
in the unconscious. Creating
poetry void of passion; barren,
like desert sun-tinged sands
dry and lifeless.

I love your thinking in this stanza – I’m sure we all relate!

Your last sentence is a fragment and might read better

…………………….Creating
poetry void of passion is barren,
like desert sun-tinged sands
dry and lifeless.

I feel an overdose of sameness here

Barren/ desert/ sun-tinged sands/ dry/ lifeless

All tell me the same in a different way. I feel you need to bring some freshness to this.


But I've been using my left hand-
speaking out loud, truths
that never dared to dance from my lips.
[of] prowling with promises; secrets
emerge, purging my past of decadent
pleasures, and sordid schemes,
seeping through crevices
of unseen touches that haunt
in restless sleep.
Poetry surges, passionately
across the pages-
unfortunately the words
are much too sloppy to be read.

Never dared to dance from lips – love it!

I really like how you’ve contrasted the metaphors of right and left hands

Poetry surges across the pages – great line!

At first read I felt ‘sloppy’ was a bit sloppy for this poem, (he he!!) but then became aware you were probably using it for the dual meaning

Sloppy ~ meaning careless

Sloppy ~ meaning slushy,emotional.

I will come back again, but these are my initial thoughts.

A very original piece.

Hugs Snow


and the second is also from Seren's Synapse: Orion's poem, Sherry's Laughter:

QUOTE
Hi Orion

This is a very sad subject, I hope it is not personally true for you.

I think I would trim back all unnecessary words here for greater impact. I'll take the liberty of trimming what I feel necessary.



Sherry's laughter is contagious.
[Any] My negative thoughts [that I have] are outrageous.

She laughs when she says her chemo's over for now.
[She laughs] and when she tells [of how] she really feels okay.
Today at the outdoor picnic, a ninety-five degrees day,
she says that wig sure is hot when the sun's bearing down.
Look at her. Listen to that laugh. Look at that grin.
On her face there is happiness--[the laughter-there it goes again.]
She's grateful to be here-happy to share the day that she's in.

Sherry's laughter is contagious.
[Any] My negative thoughts [that I have] are outrageous.

I think perhaps a change in line breaks might emphasise certin thoughts too.


Sherry's laughter is contagious.
My negative thoughts are outrageous.

She laughs when she tells her chemo's over
and says she really feels okay.
Today at the outdoor picnic,
a ninety-five degrees day,
she says that wig sure is hot
when the sun's bearing down.
Look at her.
Listen to that laugh.
Look at that grin.
On her face there is happiness--
She's grateful to be here-
happy to share the day she's in.

Sherry's laughter is contagious.
My negative thoughts are outrageous.



As I said -- I hope this is not true to someone you love.

Snow


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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