Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Watercolor Dream
merle
post Nov 4 10, 01:53
Post #1


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 262
Joined: 4-February 09
Member No.: 756
Real Name: Robin DeWalt
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Winning Writer's web site



Watercolor Dream

A stick-figure family painted in bold primary colors
is propped upon a child’s easel.
Under the sanctuary of an oversized sun
children run happily through green meadows
with lopsided red flowers.
While parents hold their quarrels
Behind inflexible smiles; never allowing tears
to ruin their masterpiece.


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Nov 4 10, 14:27
Post #2


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Robin

I like the underlying message in this one. A simple poem with a lot going on under the surface. Thi is well written, but I did stumble a bit at the end - suggestions below:


Watercolor Dream

A stick-figure family painted in bold primary colors
is propped upon a child’s easel.
Under the sanctuary of an oversized sun
children run happily through green meadows
with lopsided red flowers.
While parents hold their quarrels
Behind inflexible smiles; never allowing tears
to ruin their masterpiece.

My personal preference for the last line would be to miss out 'while' take the cap off 'behind' and change the semicolon to a comma. Take or toss!

Parents hold their quarrels
behind inflexible smiles, never allowing tears
to ruin their masterpiece.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
merle
post Nov 4 10, 14:38
Post #3


Assyrian
**

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 262
Joined: 4-February 09
Member No.: 756
Real Name: Robin DeWalt
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Winning Writer's web site



Hi Snow -

Thanks for stopping by. I usually just copy from WP and that program places caps on every line...thank you for catching it. I like your suggestions and will revise. What do you think about changing 'ruin' to 'smudge'?


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Nov 4 10, 14:42
Post #4


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (merle @ Nov 4 10, 19:38 ) *
Hi Snow -

Thanks for stopping by. I usually just copy from WP and that program places caps on every line...thank you for catching it. I like your suggestions and will revise. What do you think about changing 'ruin' to 'smudge'?


I have that problem with WP too!

I like 'smudge' - it's more visual.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_sandiegopoet_*
post Nov 6 10, 11:26
Post #5





Guest






Watercolor Dream

A stick-figure family painted in bold primary colors
is propped upon a child’s easel.
Under the sanctuary of an oversized sun
children run happily through green meadows
with lopsided red flowers.
While parents hold their quarrels
Behind inflexible smiles; never allowing tears
to ruin their masterpiece.

* * * * *

Children do reveal their troubles (and their family's troubles) through their artwork. My mother was the art director of an elementary school district for a quarter of a century, and I'm sure she saw thousands of instances of troubled young minds revealed through their art. I've often wondered how she coped with instances where the child's drawing or finger-painting revealed something truly dreadful. In those days, however, teachers and administrators were much less inclined to do anything about it.

Turning to your poem, the first five lines have a good deal of specificity, whereas the final three lines are far more abstract. If this were mine, I would look for ways to communicate the "message" of the last three lines using more concrete language. I'm not sure we need the word "quarrels". I want to see more of the inflexibility. More inhibitory behavior. I'm thinking of children's bodies depicted with looser lines, with a hint of curve, while the adults are depicted in hard, straight lines, pointing exactly toward the vertical. I'm also thinking of the children's faces pointing every which way, in a carefree manner, while the adults are staring straight out of the picture.

Hope you find this useful.

Fred
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Psyche
post Nov 11 10, 23:47
Post #6


Ornate Oracle
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,770
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting




Hi Robin,

Yes, this poem has an undercurrent of profound meaning. I understand that the watercolor has been painted by a child, that's why "A stick-figure family...." etc., the way small children trace people in their drawings.

I agree with Snow's suggestions, no other nits.

In my country, Argentina, parents are more likely to shout & scream hysterically in front of the children, tears flow & ruin masterpieces, but mostly it all ends up with hugs, kisses and the occasional bang of a door....LOL...

Great piece, Syl***



QUOTE (merle @ Nov 4 10, 08:53 ) *
Watercolor Dream

A stick-figure family painted in bold primary colors
is propped upon a child’s easel.
Under the sanctuary of an oversized sun
children run happily through green meadows
with lopsided red flowers.
While parents hold their quarrels
Behind inflexible smiles; never allowing tears
to ruin their masterpiece.



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 28th March 2024 - 14:38




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: