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Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 26 07, 07:42

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in MAY.



Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
http://www.ladydorothea125.net/CelticCastleDesigns.html

The details:

• Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of MAY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in May as well.
• Post the two examples in this thread.
• Post only the CRITIQUES.
• Make sure your example critiques are from the month of MAY.
• State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
• Eligible forums:
  Herme's Homilies, Seren's Synapse and Shogun's Psalms for poetry COM nominations
  Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through June 5th, 2007.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!

~ Mosaic Musings Staff

Posted by: Cathy Jun 1 07, 11:07

I would like to nominate Nada Lott for her in-depth and oh so helpful critiques...



First example:

Hope Takes Wing by Cathy ~ critted May 9

This has come a long way, Cathy -- nice job of revising so far. A good catharsis poem, but I'd like to see you infuse it with something unique to set it apart from the gazillions of other catharsis poems out there. Make sense? I don't know what that might be -- surprise me! -- but I believe the potential is here. Think about using metaphor and imagery in unexpected ways.

F'rinstance ...

QUOTE
There's longing in my deepest heart,
my mind will not be still.
I'd suggest a semicolon in place of the comma. More importantly, I think you could have a stronger (i.e., fresher) hook line. "Longing in my deepest heart" sounds like an old-tyme gospel hymn.


QUOTE
enriching seed to recreate
a love for simple things,
the chance to start my life anew
like winter birthing spring.
Now this is what I mean. This verse makes good use of poetic devices. Nicely done!


QUOTE
I'll never touch the ground again,
I've taught my soul to fly.
Again, a colon or semicolon would be better. Do we really teach our souls to fly or vice versa?

I'm watching you with interest.

Mary


Second example:

Faded Layers by Snow ~ critted May 22

Bravo, Snow -- well said. So many keeper couplets, like ...

I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognize my bloom’s become debris.

I rummage through the rustiness of life
and trace the winding tracks that turn to strife.

As seasons change, I face them -- unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.

... ease
my faded layers back to look behind,
a stronger fabric shows -- a mellow mind.

I can't help wanting to see it trimmed down, though, to better accentuate the wonderful pattern you've woven in. The cloth metaphor is pushed to the back of the closet, at times, by competing images such as stormy waters / tempestuous tears / winding tracks / battle scars / wounds of war / stretch my wings and soar. While these lines are strong and definitely worth saving for other poems, let's just see what happens when fashion takes center stage here:


QUOTE
I frown at my reflection wistfully
and recognize my bloom’s become debris.

Soft silk has been exchanged for crinkled crepe
to shroud my inner self. I can’t escape
from Time’s persistent pace, for she’s designed
this puckered faded fashion, so maligned.

Her fingers frayed my visage [face]. I accept [can't reject]
the ravages she wreaked [wrought*], for they reflect
As the seasons' change. I face them -- unafraid
of Time's relentless tides and facial raids.

So mirror image, though you may displease**
when dusty covers are removed; just ease
my faded layers back to look behind,
a stronger fabric shows -- a mellow mind.


If you like the effect and wanted to extend the metaphor, you might be able to use remnants, cutting board, runway, etc., and I'm sure you'd find endless possibilities in this Glossary of Terminology for the Fabric Industry I just googled up. (I don't think it needs to be any longer, though. Short is in. :)

*Although wreaked is acceptable usage, wrought sounds more poetic.
** Incorrect usage -- displease is an intransitive verb.

Hope this helps. I repeat, I really like the poem as it is, but I think it could pack a lot more pizazz if you took the scissors to it.

Mary

Posted by: Kathy Jun 1 07, 16:40

I agree; Nada Lott is consistent in the quality of her crits. Well nominated!

Congrats, Mary. x

Posted by: AMETHYST Jun 2 07, 16:42

Along with Mary there was another I had wanted to nominate, but will not until next month - because she always gives excellent critique, she follows up with all of her critiqued threads and she is continuously encouraging others to find the best way to say something and always willing to workshop with honesty and kindness...

That nomination would be for Kathy - For someone who we all should feel like we are just getting to know you ... we all feel like you've been a part of our family forever and it feels good. :)

I'll be back Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Jun 6 07, 05:16

I applaud this choice -- Mary always gives you a lot to think about in her critiques and I look froward to her replies in my thread.

Liz -- don't forget Kathy was COM last month!

Snow