How Could I Have Been ... Revised 8/3/06, Pantoum Options

[AMETHYST]

~~~~~~~~~~Revised August 3rd, 2006~~~~TY ALL~~~~~~~~


How Could I Have Been..

How could I have been so stupid
to not have seen the games he played?
To be shot in the heart by cupid
for the hunt of sport-I was slayed


To not have seen the games he played,
just like a deer, stunned by the lights,
for the hunt of sport. I was slayed-
I didn’t bolt before his flight…

Just like a deer stunned by the lights;
there was nothing more I could do.
I didn’t bolt before his flight,
for I believed his words were true.

There was nothing more I could do
like a fool, I followed my heart
for I believed his words were true.
I should have known right from the start.

Like a fool I followed my heart,
How could I have been so stupid-?
I should’ve known right from the start
I'd be shot in the heart by Cupid.

ejd copyright 2001


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Original Draft~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







How Could I Have Been..

How could I have been so stupid?
I didn't see the game he played
To be shot in the heart by cupid
For the hunt; of sport-I was slayed

I didn't see. The game he played,
like a deer caught in the lights
For the hunt of sport, I was slayed
I should've fled before his flight,

Like a deer caught in the light
there was nothing more I could do
I should've fled before his flight
instead I believed his words were true.

There was nothing more I could do
Like a fool I listened to my heart
Instead I believed his words were true
I should've known right from the start.

Like a fool I listened to my heart,
How could I have been so stupid-?
I should’ve known right from the start
I'd be shot in the heart by cupid.


ejd copyright 2001

This post has been edited by AMETHYST: Aug 3 06, 19:42

[Peterpan]

Very clever!

Have you read this poem out aloud? I find with R&R poetry it is beneficial to read out loud. When I read this poem out aloud there are the odd superfluous words. Perhaps you will also agree?

Age old topic well presented!

PP

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

I've been here but before offering anything I want to check out the params of the Pantoum. Don't want to offer something that messes everything up! lol

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Whew! The rules for this form can be quite confusing! lol

As far as I can tell you have followed them to a 'T' though. I had to write everything down though before coming back here or I never would have remembered them. lol

How could I have been so stupid?
I didn't see the game he played[;]
[t]o be shot in the heart by cupid
[f]or the hunt; of sport[]-[]I was slayed I think I would put a space in there. It looked sort of squashed up to me. lol We never know if they're playing games until it's too late. Too bad we can't see into their hearts to know their intent before allowing ourselves to become involved.

I didn't see. The game he played{,}[:]
like a deer caught in the lights 'bright' or 'head' , 'blinding' or something to replace 'the'?
[f]or the hunt of sport, I was slayed[;]
I should{'ve}[have] fled before his flight{,}[.]

Like a deer caught in the light
there was nothing more I could do[;]
I should{'ve}[have] fled before his flight[,]
{instead}[though] I believed his words were true. Feelings of helplessness to extract ourselves from a bad situation ...

There was nothing more I could do[;]
[l]ike a fool I listened to my heart[.]
{Instead}[Though] I believed his words were true[,]
I should{'ve}[have] known right from the start.

Like a fool I listened to my heart{,}[...]
[h]ow could I have been so stupid{-}?
I should{’ve}[have] known right from the start
I'd be shot in the heart by cupid. Hindsight is 20/20! *sigh*

Of course, use or lose as you see fit! *smiles*
Cathy


How could I have been so stupid?
I didn't see the game he played;
to be shot in the heart by cupid
for the hunt; of sport - I was slayed.

I didn't see. The game he played:
like a deer caught in bright lights
for the hunt of sport, I was slayed;
I should have fled before his flight.

Like a deer caught in bright light
there was nothing more I could do;
I should have fled before his flight,
though I believed his words were true.

There was nothing more I could do;
like a fool I listened to my heart.
Though I believed his words were true,
I should have known right from the start.

Like a fool I listened to my heart ...
how could I have been so stupid?
I should have known right from the start
I'd be shot in the heart by cupid.

[JLY]

Liz,

I agree with Cathy, I think you should tell us what type of lights...add a descriptive word in the following:

like a deer caught in ? lights

I read this through a few times...and it almost has the sound of a song. The repetitive lines give it a song-like quality to it.

I know you want to keep your rhyme intact (stupid / cupid)....but I prefer foolish in place of stupid....I guess it's that I don't like anyone to be called or thought of as being stupid...just my personal quirk.

JLY

[JustDaniel]

Dear Liz...

I'll be back to offer more in depth, but I wanted to share two things just now. One, it's SUPER to see you writing a pantoum. They are an unbelievable challenge, and you seem to have done this one (no pun intended, originally) seamlessly!

Two, however, is in reference to the word "slayed"...which is a bit of slang, methinks, usually meaning "insulted, but in a comical way" (as in "You slayed me!") The verb slay's past tense is slayed, but it's past participle is slain," so in this case it should read "was slain" (unless I'm embarrassingly incorrect). Thus I thought I should mention that fact before going further. I know that dealing with that may require some minor reconstruction that affects two stanzas... but I also know that you're capable of the task...

(as Peter Graves was given the option)... "if you choose to accept this assignment..."

Lightly for now, Daniel

P.S. ... and just for a bit of humor, if you do choose to follow John's suggestion of foolish , you could concede that you were shot by someone ghoulish!

[AMETHYST]

Hi PP,

Thank you so very much for stopping in... I have read this, as I do all my poetry and poetry inwhich I am critiquing out loud several times to hear the stumbles and/or blends in sounds throughout the poem. I hadn't noticed any superfluous wording, not really sure what you mean and was wondering if you could return and point which ones feel that way to you. I can surely use the help getting this one into full-tune!

Best Regards, Liz


Hey Cathy,

Thank you for coming back with a great critique. You've touched on some vital points and I am going to consider your suggestions, especially as John also mentioined it might help improve the poem to add a descriptive of 'lights' in L2 of S2 and s3...

Will be back to you with a prope relly and revision!

Big Hugs, Liz


Hi John,

Thank you for your encouragement. I agree, as I mentioned to Cathy, you are both right on the nose. The line would do well with something to enhance a description. Will be pondering that one... always opened to various suggestions to consider during revision processes...

Hugs, Liz


Hi Daniel,

I most certainly look forward to your thoughts. Although this was written back in 2001, it was only 1 of 3 Pantoums I've ever tried and I have found them very, very difficult to write. I have read your work in so many difficult forms and tried my hand at them and often struggle, but you present the most well crafted and creative in all forms that I hope to learn how to improve this...

As for your thoughts on slayed/slain... I am glad you noticed that, no it wasn't a mistake, I was going for the layed as made o fool of, embrassed or made a joke of, but dual intention to bring to light that a real "killing' or slaughter wasn't there, but rather a metaphorical slaying with was rather of confidence and ego...

Great eye and I am glad it was noticed.

Please return with some guidence and tips for making a good Pantoum, better! ;

Hugs, Liz ...

[Arnfinn]

How Could I Have Been..

How could I have been so stupid?
I didn't see the game he played
To be shot in the heart by cupid
For the hunt; of sport-I was slayed

I didn't see. The game he played,
like a deer caught in the lights
For the hunt of sport, I was slayed
I should've fled before his flight,

Like a deer caught in the light
there was nothing more I could do
I should've fled before his flight
instead I believed his words were true.

There was nothing more I could do
Like a fool I listened to my heart
Instead I believed his words were true
I should've known right from the start.

Like a fool I listened to my heart,
How could I have been so stupid-?
I should’ve known right from the start
I'd be shot in the heart by cupid.


ejd copyright 2001

Hi Liz,

Originally, Pantun, a verse form of Malayan origin. The form was introduced into Western poetry by Ernest Fouinet in the 19th c.

Well, you conform to the rules. Maybe a typo with 1st light (lights) you can still be caught in headlights and be caught in the light. Superimposed second and fourth lines in the quatrains give a rhythmic bounce with progression of the rhyme. A poem of internal thought, Liz, self recrimination and then acceptance.

Sorry, nothing technical from me.

I can see the difficulty in the composition. It's a bit of a task to get some logical storyline when fifty percent of each verse is determined by two lines of the preceeding verse.

I admire your ability to produce poetry of such high quality.

John

[Peterpan]

Hello Amethyst~

Rushing now. I will return and take a look. Not many words but, I just saw/heard one or two near the end. Perhaps, I was wrong...;(


Thanks for the reply!

PP

[AMETHYST]

Hi John,

Thank you for stopping in and leaving some much desire information about the form and some thoughts about the poem itself. :) I find this form and Terza Rima and the such, to be quite difficult, but I want to get them under my belt, because once done well, some excellent poetry just blossoms from them.

Hugs, Liz


Hey PP,


No I certainly don't think you were wrong. The idea to me of critique, is the reader is going to hear things That I, as the poet, will not hear. The reader will feel both comfortable and uncomfortable (especially when read aloud) with certain images, certain sounds... and I want to know what those are. So even if you read a line and it sounds like there is something wrong with it, perhaps it just doesn't feel or sounds right to you and you cannot pin point what is making it sounds that way, it helps me more than you can imagine. I can give a more closer look in that line, or on a specific words and find alternatives that make it smoother.

Believe me, even if you can't find what it is, knowing it exists is a step toward the right direction. Thank you... I hope you let me know the areas that just don't feel/sound right to you... Cbeause I feel some area's are off too, I think they can certainly use improvement... it would help.

Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel,

I most certainly look forward to your thoughts. Although this was written back in 2001, it was only 1 of 3 Pantoums I've ever tried and I have found them very, very difficult to write. I have read your work in so many difficult forms and tried my hand at them and often struggle, but you present the most well crafted and creative in all forms that I hope to learn how to improve this...

[ Thank you so much for the confidence that you have in my work. I wish I had some of it myself... and you might gather from the latest post that I've offered in this forum. ]

As for your thoughts on slayed/slain... I am glad you noticed that, no it wasn't a mistake, I was going for the slayed as made o fool of, embrassed or made a joke of, but dual intention to bring to light that a real "killing' or slaughter wasn't there, but rather a metaphorical slaying with was rather of confidence and ego...

Great eye and I am glad it was noticed.

Please return with some guidence and tips for making a good Pantoum, better! ;

Hugs, Liz ...

Okay, then. Let me see if I can offer something that perhaps takes the edge off of what appeared to be a mistake. I DEFINITELY see your intent.

I think the best way for me to 'critique' at this point is to simply offer a slight change side by side to your own. I hope that's acceptable at this juncture:

How Could I Have Been..

How could I have been so stupid?
I didn't see the game he played
To be shot in the heart by cupid
For the hunt; of sport-I was slayed

How could I have been so stupid
to not have seen games he played?
that I’d been gut-shot by Cupid
…in the hunt for sport… I’m slayed.

I didn't see. The game he played,
like a deer caught in the lights
For the hunt of sport, I was slayed
I should've fled before his flight,

To not have seen! The games he played!
Just like a deer, stunned in the lights
in the hunt, for sport… I’m slayed.
I didn’t bolt before his flight…

Like a deer caught in the light
there was nothing more I could do
I should've fled before his flight
instead I believed his words were true.

Just like a deer stunned in the lights
there seemed not one thing I could do.
I didn’t bolt before his flight,
for I believed his words were true.

There was nothing more I could do
Like a fool I listened to my heart
Instead I believed his words were true
I should've known right from the start.

There seemed not one thing I could do;
I thought that I had heard my heart,
for I believed his words were true.
I should have known right from the start.

Like a fool I listened to my heart,
How could I have been so stupid-?
I should’ve known right from the start
I'd be shot in the heart by Cupid.

ejd copyright 2001

I thought that I had heard my heart;
how could I have been so stupid?
I should have known right from the start
that I’d been gut-shot by Cupid.

By the way, I think that you'll often find that S1L1&3 become FinalSL4&2 (in inverted fashion) so that the opening line becomes the closing line. But there seem to be a number of variations on that theme.

And of course I realize that what I have offered presents a slightly different perspective; the subject seems to me not to have been listening to her heart, but what she thought was her heart... and perhaps comes to see that Cupid had missed ?

Of course, as always, you may take or toss whatever you like. It is always a supreme pleasure to interact with you. I envy your superb ability to offer such in-depth insight and suggestions in your critiques. It's staggering to me!

deLighting in sharing, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hi Daniel,

I haven't forgotten about your excellent suggestions. Actually, at work the night you posted it I printed it off and have been working on some revisions that reflect your thoughts.

I especially liked the change in S2, L4. The use of bolt is wonderful! I hope you keep an eye on this soon for revisions. Tomorrow I will come back with a more detailed reponse to you. Right now it is late and Lauren wakes up extra early on the nights I go to bed extra late! LOL

Hugs, and thank you for your excellent help with this... I didn't think I would ever get it in the direction I had hoped.

Best to you, Liz

[Peterpan]

Hey PP,


No I certainly don't think you were wrong. The idea to me of critique, is the reader is going to hear things That I, as the poet, will not hear. The reader will feel both comfortable and uncomfortable (especially when read aloud) with certain images, certain sounds... and I want to know what those are. So even if you read a line and it sounds like there is something wrong with it, perhaps it just doesn't feel or sounds right to you and you cannot pin point what is making it sounds that way, it helps me more than you can imagine. I can give a more closer look in that line, or on a specific words and find alternatives that make it smoother.

Believe me, even if you can't find what it is, knowing it exists is a step toward the right direction. Thank you... I hope you let me know the areas that just don't feel/sound right to you... Cbeause I feel some area's are off too, I think they can certainly use improvement... it would help.

Hugs, Liz

Hello Liz

Just seen your reply. I am also worried that accents change sounds. We are all from different parts of the world. (How interesting.) And that can make a difference. I will take a closer look and let you know.

PP

[AMETHYST]

Cool Bev...

So glad you returned.

Hugs, Liz

[Peterpan]

How Could I Have Been..

How could I have been so stupid?
I didn't see the game he played
To be shot in the heart by cupid
For the hunt; of sport-I was slayed

I didn't see. The game he played, I didn't see the game he played,
like a deer caught in the lights
For the hunt of sport, I was slayed
I should've fled before his flight, (I should've fled his sights? A shot gun has sights? Just a thought) But, this is not in keeping with your poetic style

Like a deer caught in the light
there was nothing more I could do
I should've fled before his flight
instead I believed his words were true. (delete were?)

There was nothing more I could do
Like a fool I listened to my heart
Instead I believed his words were true (delete were again?)
I should've known right from the start. (take out right)

Like a fool I listened to my heart,
How could I have been so stupid-?
I should’ve known right from the start
I'd be shot in the heart by cupid.


ejd copyright 2001

These are purely suggestions. I do think that accents make a difference. But, just a thought on my behalf.

I enjoyed it. Clever Pantun!

Another point I have noticed: when a sentence is not after a full stop you can use lower casing it does not disturb the eye when reading.

Well done

PP

[AMETHYST]

Hi Bev,

Thank you for returning. And thank you for noticing the Caps on each line. No I don't normally post/write like that either--but I copied from my word document and well... it causes me headaches...

I will certainly consider your idea's for the lines you've mentioned. Yes, a shotgun has sights... Unfortunately, that would be taking the lines meaning in an alternate direction.

I hope you will keep an eye on upcoming revisions. Thanks again...

Best Wishes, Liz

[Peterpan]

Hi Bev,

Thank you for returning. And thank you for noticing the Caps on each line. No I don't normally post/write like that either--but I copied from my word document and well... it causes me headaches...

Word is not really very co-operative, I have those problems too!

I will certainly consider your idea's for the lines you've mentioned.

Dont worry too much about them if they alter the Pantun.

Yes, a shotgun has sights... Unfortunately, that would be taking the lines meaning in an alternate direction.

I understand that.

I hope you will keep an eye on upcoming revisions. Thanks again...

My pleasure.

Bev

Best Wishes, Liz

Back to work!

[JustDaniel]

Sorry to be so late with this, Liz...

I was nearly done with a second look at another of your poems yesterday, hit the wrong button... and BLOOP... it was gone! I'll get back to that one soon too, I hope!

Just a few further thoughts:

How Could I Have Been..

How could I have been so stupid
to not have seen the games he played?
To be I'd been shot in the heart by cupid
for the hunt... for of sport. (-) I was slayed[!]

To not have seen the games he played,
just like a deer, stunned by the lights,
for the hunt... for of sport. (-) I was slayed(-)
I didn’t bolt before his flight…

Just like a deer stunned by the lights[,] ( ; )
there was with nothing more that I could do[,] (.)
I didn’t bolt before his flight,
for I believed his words were true.

There was With nothing more that I could do[,]
like a fool, I followed hard my heart[,]
for I believed his words were true.
I should have known right from the start.

Like A fool[,] I followed hard my heart,
How could I have been so stupid(-)?
I should(’) have known right from the start
I'd be shot in the heart by Cupid.

Again... just workshopping, perspective thoughts to take or toss according to your wishes, intent, perspective and artistic taste.

deLighting in the process, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hello Daniel,

Thank you for coming back to this. Will make further considerations to it as I work out the next revision.

Best to you, Liz

Sorry to be so late with this, Liz...

I was nearly done with a second look at another of your poems yesterday, hit the wrong button... and BLOOP... it was gone! I'll get back to that one soon too, I hope!

Just a few further thoughts:

How Could I Have Been..

How could I have been so stupid
to not have seen the games he played?
To be I'd been shot in the heart by cupid
for the hunt... for of sport. (-) I was slayed[!]

L4, gives me the most trouble and I think the change to 'for' will work well, but still I want to get away from the 'for the hunt'

To not have seen the games he played,
just like a deer, stunned by the lights,
for the hunt... for of sport. (-) I was slayed(-)
I didn’t bolt before his flight…

[i] I didn't really think that

Just like a deer stunned by the lights[,] ( ; )
there was with nothing more that I could do[,] (.)
I didn’t bolt before his flight,
for I believed his words were true.

There was With nothing more I could do[,]
like a fool, I followed hard my heart[,]
for I believed his words were true.
I should have known right from the start.

Like A fool[,] I followed hard my heart,
How could I have been so stupid(-)?
I should(’) have known right from the start
I'd be shot in the heart by Cupid.

Again... just workshopping, perspective thoughts to take or toss according to your wishes, intent, perspective and artistic taste.

deLighting in the process, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Liz... in reading your comments, I just noted that I'd left out the 'that' in the third stanza. Just corrected it.

I'm not sure about your thinking on 'for the hunt'... whether you want a different concept or different meter. Have another look at my first workshopping of it in the meanwhile. I'll look for your explanation, perhaps, of what exactly you're shooting for [ pardon the accidental pun with 'shoot' ... shoot, I didn't mean nothin'! ].

Lightly, Daniel