Another older Poem for last minute revisions -
********Revision 1 *****TY SUE AND SNOW ******
A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting travelers passing by
a welcome refuge from the chill,
and still no one has come inside.
At dusk, her kindled hearth is bright,
a coffee pot is freshly filled
and flakey biscuits served up right;
a candle quivers on the sill.
She sits and stares, as shadows dance
into the ebon evening sky,
in hopes her candle will entrance;
inviting travellers passing by.
It feels like winter never ends
for Beauty Belle has fallen ill,
and yet, she waits to offer friends
a welcome refuge from the chill.
Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body's calm; Belle died.
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
and still no one has come inside.
Sojourn--Quatrain Refrain
A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting all who happen by.
Although so many pass at will,
the doorknob still has not been tried.
At dusk, the hearth is kindled bright,
a pot of coffee freshly filled,
and biscuits baked. Her wick ignites;
a candle quivers on the sill.
She sits and stares, as shadows dance
into the black of midnight sky,
in hopes her flicker will entrance;
inviting all who happen by.
The winter's wind has been no friend
to Beauty Belle, who's fallen ill.
She waits alone till evening's end,
although so many pass at will.
Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body calm; Belle died.
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
the doorknob still has not been tried.
Hi Liz
Every time I come into Herme's I realise there are so many forms I haven't tried! You are so versatile in your writing, Liz.
I can't say I would drfinitely change anything here - but I'll offer a few suggestions.
Sojourn--Quatrain Refrain
A candle quivers on the sill,
inviting all who happen by.
Although so many pass at will,
the doorknob still has not been tried.
L2 - perhaps a description of how they happen by might 'show' more
eg:
inviting all who saunter by
L4 - perhaps
the doorknob still remains untried
At dusk, the hearth is kindled bright,
a pot of coffee freshly filled,
and biscuits baked. Her wick ignites;
a candle quivers on the sill.
I don't think the comma is needed at end of L2
She sits and stares, as shadows dance
into the black of midnight sky,
in hopes her flicker will entrance;
inviting all who happen by.
L2 - perhaps
into the blackened midnight sky
The winter's wind has been no friend
to Beauty Belle, who's fallen ill.
She waits alone till evening's end,
although so many pass at will.
Tonight, no dreams of love's embrace,
her breathless body calm; Belle died.
No candle burns, no hearth, no grace...
the doorknob still has not been tried.
I hope something here might help - take or toss!
Hugs
Snow
Hey Snow,
Before I go any further, let me post this link - it is my original http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?s=&showtopic=6555&view=findpost&p=63538
After almost 5 years what sounded best then, still sounds best now. I came across this one in Karnak, and must not have revised it there. But I will be making those changes you've suggested. Ironically, they were what we decided on back then.
YIPPPPEEEEE!
Big Hugs, Liz
Hi Sue,
Thank you so much for the depth and suggestions. I love the changes to the first stanza, that will effect each stanza to follow. I especially love the suggestions for L2/L3 ... I thnk L4 still needs some reworking but the meaning and flow of the stanza now holds a little more power because of the personal detail that has been added.
It isn't an inn, just an elderly woman who, once had many, many visitors and has not been alone for so long. Years ago, not only inns, but homes use to put a candle in their window to invite strangers and friends in for a warm place to stop, some food to eat and some times a place to sleep. In her loneliness, she wanted anyone to come visit her.
I love the use of travellers and will be making my next revsion with the use of much of what you've offered. I wish I could borrow your mind for a day or two, revise my poetry, and perhaps write some magnificent works of art and then I would give it back to you ... 'maybe' ... HAHAHA
Love you so much, thank you for the excellent feedback and platforms for me to start working through -
Hugs, Liz
Hey Snow,
Yes, after you made the suggestion for L4, I couldn't remember if that was what I originally started with or if I had revised it to... I like it as well. Sue left much for me to thinkabout and use- I also love those revised lines -
She sits and stares as shadow's dance
into the ebon evening sky.
And just might incorporate it in ... I will be working on the revision sometmie tonight or over the weekend. Lauren's birthday is tomorrow and her birthday party will be on Saturday, so I've got much to do before then ...
I love this poem and want it to find its true potential. I think I have so much wonderful ideas from you both to really find the wonder in it.
Thank you,
Big Hugs and all my love, Liz
Dear Sue,
Thank you for your help on this one - I hope you don't mind that I used most of your suggestions; they worked for my intentions perfectly. And I am so embarrassed that I for some reason, hadn't been able to see those little fumbles; such as " in hopes her flicker will entrance' it wasn't until you pointed it out that I had seen the twist of meaning.
I am so grateful you stopped by!
Big Hugs, Liz
Dearest Sue,
Thank you as well for your excellent suggestions, which I have also made use of and find the read is soooooo smooth and easily understandable. Please of course I am open to some feedback on the revision. Hoping it is working as wonderful as I am reading it! LOL
Love you both, LIz
Powered by Invision Power Board (http://www.invisionboard.com)
© Invision Power Services (http://www.invisionpower.com)