[quo
PS.Are you suggesting I align left as in your edit?? Maybe.
Ok, I'll give it a go, thanks.
Terry
[/quote]
No, you don't have to do it that way. I just did that because that was the way it came up in the reply box. My crit was just a suggestion...use or lose...you know how it goes...I enjoyed your ride. I used to love to ride my bike and some friends and I used to go on bike hikes and pack lunches. I remember those days with fondness. The traffic is so heavy where I live you would get run over I fear. Judi
Hi Terry,
Ok... now this one I approached head-on. No reading of other crits, not even a peek so I'm giving my opinion based solely on your poem. *smiles* I think it's a lovely description of a summer outing, trying to find some peace and quiet from a busy town. I do think that it could be pared down a bit in places or slightly reworded for maximum effect but again... that's just my opinion. Do with it what you will, use what might be helpful and toss the rest!
Cathy
With fly-weary wary eyes
we cycle, I in front of you,
sometimes side by side we glide,
Maybe...
sometimes we glide side by side
Actually I think you could omit 'we glide' and just use...
sometimes side by side
when traffic and level ground allow.
But only when we leave the tarmacadam'd town,
IMO you could omit 'But' and still say the same thing.
turn{ing} down The Grand Canal line,
does that pace and haste all drop away,
'hurried pace' instead of 'pace and haste'?
and you and I in peace arrive.
Since you have a comma after 'away' I think you could drop the extra 'and' in this line. The inversion is overly obvious IMO and since you aren't trying to rhyme there are all sorts of possibilities for this. Such as 'you and I arrive... finding peace' I'm assuming that peace is what you were searching for when you left the busy town. As written it made me think that you had arrived without causing any trouble. You know, like the Indians... we come in peace. Does that make any sense? LOL
We do not set a marker to return,
nor further future goal of any kind.
Like the lock-house we pass by sleepy Ballycommon,
or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge.
The above two lines seem to be dangling in mid-air, not belonging to the line above or the line to follow. Maybe your end stop was a typo? Maybe something like...
We do not set markers to return;
the lock-house at sleepy Ballycommon
or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge...
we simply cycle on together
seeming to never tire.
We simply cycle on and on together,
and it seems together we shall never tire.
Hypnotized by the glimmering,
What is 'glimmering'? The sun off the water, sun off a building, heat waves off pavement...
and by the water rippling,
This could be 'and rippling water'
along this boulevard of towering beauty,
beech, oak, birch, chestnut and yew. No end stop... it seems an incomplete sentence.
And you and I cycling,
and for a while wondering, Too many 'and's'?
if we would ever return,
from our summer evening cycle.
What about...
Hypnotized by the glimmering
of rippling water
and the towering beauty
of shade trees
we cycle on,
often wondering...
will we ever return
from our summer evening cycle?
Hi Terry,
I love the serentiy of a riding a bike, when I grew up we lived in the country and I had an old Schwinn, and I would get on and ride across red topped dirt roads, wind blowing in my hair for miles...Your poem reminded me of that feeling of getting away, of being out of pocket, isolated form the day to day responsibilites. Very Cool beans. First, when I copied the poem over to crit, your formatting was lost. I think either center or left alligned would work. I myself have a preference for strophes, but like I said it might just be my preference, I will put my comments below in blue. My main comment is that it needs a trim, perhaps to many likes, and, I, we, yours. I am going to try to trim..
A summer evening cycle
With fly-weary wary eyes
we cycle, I in front of you,
sometimes side by side we glide,
when traffic and level ground allow.
not sure you need to say of you or we glide I also would consider starting with We cycle. Starting with a preposition weakens the poem, start with the declarative We cycle. But only when we leave the tarmacadam'd town,
turning down The Grand Canal line,does that pace and haste all drop away,
and you and I we in peace arrive.
love the thought of leaving the tarmacadam'd town, what a cool word.
This I would invert the sentences, the images before the set marker... perhaps like this
We simply cycle on and on together,
and it seems together we shall never tire
we pass the lock-house by in sleepy Ballycommon,or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge.
s]We do not set[/s] No seta marker to for our return,
nor further future goal of any kind. ( would lose either future or further)
Hypnotized by the glimmering,
and by the water rippling,
along this boulevard of towering beauty,
beech, oak, birch, chestnut and yew.
What glimmers..what type of water..river, lake? I like the nature, I am imaging beautiful lake surrounded by treesAnd you and I ride cycleing
and for a while wonder ing,
if we would ever return,
from our summer evening cycle.
I hope that helps, as always these are just suggestions and you can take what you like and flush the rest.. I love the serenity of this poem.
Hope your day is very good
:) brenda
Hi Cathy,
Cheers, I wanted to do something really light-hearted after that last...project, hehe.
It is a bit plump in places and I will be paring it down here and there as you have suggested.
Ok... now this one I approached head-on. No reading of other crits, not even a peek so I'm giving my opinion based solely on your poem. *smiles* I think it's a lovely description of a summer outing, trying to find some peace and quiet from a busy town. I do think that it could be pared down a bit in places or slightly reworded for maximum effect but again... that's just my opinion. Do with it what you will, use what might be helpful and toss the rest! Thanks, as always I'm grateful, your advice is never taken for granted.
Cathy
With fly-weary wary eyes
we cycle, I in front of you,
sometimes side by side we glide,
Maybe...
sometimes we glide side by side
Actually I think you could omit 'we glide' and just use...
Yeah, I only really put it in for poetic effect.
sometimes side by side
when traffic and level ground allow.
But only when we leave the tarmacadam'd town,
IMO you could omit 'But' and still say the same thing.
Ok
turn{ing} down The Grand Canal line,
does that pace and haste all drop away,
'hurried pace' instead of 'pace and haste'?
Or hurried haste ??? kidding, yes
and you and I in peace arrive.
Since you have a comma after 'away' I think you could drop the extra 'and' in this line. The inversion is overly obvious IMO and since you aren't trying to rhyme there are all sorts of possibilities for this. Such as 'you and I arrive... finding peace' I'm assuming that peace is what you were searching for when you left the busy town. As written it made me think that you had arrived without causing any trouble. You know, like the Indians... we come in peace. Does that make any sense? LOL Yup, I gettcha. I was going for this idea that 'you and I' were in peace. Like; enjoying each others company away from the pressures and pace of town, where pace might sometimes result in frayed tempers(weary wary eyes) and some friction between us(I just cant help complicating things) So..."you and I in peace arrive", with each other as well as the place.
I think with my writing, if you find some wording that seems a little unusual, you'll find I'm trying to do something, like a duality of meaning(and usually failing miserably).
Theres a few phases in this I kinda use to subtly hint at or contrast the peace of that place with a relationship. Using the canal line as a kind of lifeline(here we go again) Not setting future goals, together we shall never tire. And when I compliment the peace of the place I also compliment her, like 'the glimmering' and the really subtle "towering beauty of yew" (because yew trees don't tower)
We do not set a marker to return,[/color]
nor further future goal of any kind.
Like the lock-house we pass by sleepy Ballycommon,
or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge.
The above two lines seem to be dangling in mid-air, not belonging to the line above or the line to follow. Maybe your end stop was a typo?
These two lines are symbolic, lock-house/sleepy is kinda like letting life pass you by.And a topsy-turvy tub, I think an upside down hull of a barge looks like the mound over a grave, so its symbolic of death and living life, not wasting time setting goals way into the future and just living for the moment.
Maybe something like...
We do not set markers to return;
the lock-house at sleepy Ballycommon
or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge...
we simply cycle on together
seeming to never tire.
Yes, thats cool.
We simply cycle on and on together,
and it seems together we shall never tire.
Hypnotized by the glimmering,
What is 'glimmering'? The sun off the water, sun off a building, heat waves off pavement...
Well its supposed to make the reader ask that question. But not leave them totally puzzled, its a kind of compliment to my companion. Like immediately glimmer makes you think of the sun on the water but then the next line starts with 'and the water rippling' I think I quite enjoy posing a puzzle for the reader, lol. But its no good if it completely baffles them, I suppose.
and by the water rippling,
This could be 'and rippling water'
along this boulevard of towering beauty,
beech, oak, birch, chestnut and yew. No end stop... it seems an incomplete sentence.
Umm, yeah, I know what your saying but theres a little play on words here, with yew/you
And you and I cycling,
and for a while wondering, Too many 'and's'?
if we would ever return,
from our summer evening cycle.
What about...
Hypnotized; by the glimmering
and rippling water
by the towering beauty
of birch, oak and yew.
together we cycle on,
often wondering...
will we ever return
from our summer evening cycle?
[/quote]
I like your edit with the small changes I made and I will probably make a few adjustments, with yours and Judi's suggestions to the fore of my mind.
I just cant seem to keep it simple, when I see an opportunity to play I've got to take it.
Terry
Hi Brenda,
I love the serentiy of a riding a bike, when I grew up we lived in the country and I had an old Schwinn, and I would get on and ride across red topped dirt roads, wind blowing in my hair for miles...Your poem reminded me of that feeling of getting away, of being out of pocket, isolated form the day to day responsibilites. Very Cool beans. First, when I copied the poem over to crit, your formatting was lost. I think either center or left alligned would work. I myself have a preference for strophes, but like I said it might just be my preference, I will put my comments below in blue. My main comment is that it needs a trim, perhaps to many likes, and, I, we, yours. I am going to try to trim..[/quote]
Thanks Brenda, I do like to get away from it at every possible opportunity, no different from anyone else I suppose. I agree its a little bit overflowing in places. Thanks for your edit I think its spot on.
A summer evening cycle
With fly-weary wary eyes
we cycle, I in front of you,
sometimes side by side we glide,
when traffic and level ground allow.
not sure you need to say of you or we glide I also would consider starting with We cycle. Starting with a preposition weakens the poem, start with the declarative We cycle. But only when we leave the tarmacadam'd town,
turning down The Grand Canal line,does that pace and haste all drop away,
and you and I we in peace arrive.
love the thought of leaving the tarmacadam'd town, what a cool word.
This I would invert the sentences, the images before the set marker... perhaps like this
We simply cycle on and on together,
and it seems together we shall never tire
we pass the lock-house by in sleepy Ballycommon,or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge.
s]We do not set[/s] No seta marker to for our return,
nor further future goal of any kind. ( would lose either future or further)
Hypnotized by the glimmering,
and by the water rippling,
along this boulevard of towering beauty,
beech, oak, birch, chestnut and yew.What glimmers..what type of water..river, lake? I like the nature, I am imaging beautiful lake surrounded by trees...
I like all the suggestions you've made, I hope you dont think I'm lazy for not going through them one by one, lol, its just I agree with all of them and will be using some/most/all in a revision, thanksAnd you and I ride cycleing
and for a while wonder ing,
if we would ever return,
from our summer evening cycle.
I hope that helps, as always these are just suggestions and you can take what you like and flush the rest.. I love the serenity of this poem.
Cheers Brenda, I never flush people's suggestions, maybe I don't use them at the time but I always keep them in mind for future ref. So thanks again. Check out the revision when I post, tell me what you think.
Have a good weekend!!!
Terry
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