I have not been around lately so missing all the wonderful poetry. Came back today to read and cast a vote. I really like this one.

But just wanted ot ask should lupine be lupin?

Doesn't lupine mean wolf-like?

Hope this is not too late?

Best Wishes

Jenni

Hi Lori

I too think the suggested charges very reasonable.

Would that be via paypal for non USA members?

However I too would be unlikely to subscribe as I would not use the functions.

I have a website so have not bothered with a blog. But I have three myspace profiles and blog there sometimes and I use other sites to share images as well as uploading images, videos etc to my own website.



If you do find there is enough support to add the function I am sure it will be great for people who don't already have blogs or image hosting



Jenni

Hi Daniel

Thank you for your perceptive input. I always value your remarks. I don't feel you 'rewrote' this as much as tweaked the punctuation.

I will adopt your punctuation suggestions for the second stanza and most for the firststanza. the one I want to ask about is forever.

I looked and looked at that. I looked it up in dictionaries etc. And I was unsure about using it. It is what I want to say. But I could not decide if it should be for ever or forever. I favoured the two word option but then the singel word was suggested as a revison by Cyn

Is hyphenating right do you think? for me for ever as two separate words is what I mean; like 'for a short time, 'for a long time', 'for ever'. But the dictionaries show 'forever' as one word meaning exactly the same thing?

About your flow suggestions in the first stanza, I can see what you are getting at there, but am not sure. I need to mull over this one a bit more. I am working on a revision where I set it out in couplets, which seems to suit the mood better. When I speak this poem the shorter sentences flow. I suppose it is the way I say it. I wish I could upload an audio.

I will try to record my audio version then I can post a link and we can share it that way.

I will also look at that first section and see where I feel longer sentences would be appropriate.

I have taken on board the idea of using 'collecting' for the people in the cafe, which another MM writer sugegsted, so that part is slightly different in the revision.

I might have it ready to post tomorrow

Thanks for your input and I hope I can post the revision soon (and an audio??)

Best Wishes

Hi Snow

I did not know until I emailed the man that it was deliberate. I thought the site (a wiki site) might have been hacked.

But it was deliberate and when I found out for sure I emailed other mags he has written for to warn the editors. Two responded so I need to mail them back.

Some sad people about aren't there?

It is all time consuming. The guy says he teaches anger management. Perhaps this is how he hooks in new clients?LOL


Anyway to more positive vibes... Must keep writing.



Jenni

Hope this is right ? Not sure if I shoudl use reply or new topic?

I posted in the wrong place initially.

Tangerine Sky Song

The tangerine sky crept over last Tuesday
as I picked my way through the rocks.
you said good bye on that purple and blue day
and left me to ponder the flocks
of sea birds who gathered to watch your departing
under a crepusculed sky, where it seems,
the lighthouse and I have each played our part in
crushing my tangerine dreams.
The turquoise rock pools and the dark chocolate sands
will weep with me 'til they are dry.
How I yearn to see you return to me
under the tangerine sky.

Feb 10th 2007

Hi Liz

I am encouraged by that news as i had seen some editors requiring only not previously published work and then found the google bots picking up anything in the fora here (if you know what to type into the search of course) and began to worry.

Also had a strange few days as I found a writer calling himself Len Bourret has been advertising a link to one of my Flash animated poems as his own work in several websites.

Takes all sorts, but I can't imagine what sense of self worth people like that have.
Anyway it looks as if I must take my poems from my own website and rename the file then re-upload just to get this person off my back. He didn't even apologise when contacted. just write some blither about being disabled!:Oo:

I am feeling insecure now about the web in general, but I know that's a bit daft.
This maybe off topic. But I wanted to make that information public as I am feeling pretty annoyed at Mr. LB

re the funeral parlour.. I could use that, but can't see myself saying' funeral home' as it is not in use here (yet) I think I will capitalise Funeral Director, though and to me that makes it clearer that it is a shop.

Thank you for all the other suggestions I have been working on the poem,

Best Wishes

Jenni

Hi Liz

Thanks for your time with this one.

Some of your suggestions I can see will work, particularly while, in the final phrases to replace and.

Funeral home though is not a phrase I have ever heard before. (I saw the American way of Death to o )

I would feel uncomfortable using words that are not in my vernacular.

We do say 'funeral parlour' here so might look at that, thought I prefer the rhythm of 'directors'. And the most common term here in UK is funeral directors' . The apostrophe tells that it is a shop and not a person. It's a shame. But some things just don't cross the pond, do they.

Regards layout I am playing with making it couplets, which was my original intention. I think it will work better like that.

And I will take a look at the opening and closing.

But have not had any ideas so far that alter it too much.

I am also undecided about posting this one in the public forum, since my discovery about that meaning it would be deemed to have been published. So I am not sure I want to post a revision publicly just yet.

Thanks for your time and suggestions anyway.





Jenni

Hi Tim

Thank you for your offerings on this one.

I value your input. I am so pleased you picked up on the allusions etc.

Actually we call them hearses too. But they take the bodies away. Perhaps ambulances bring the bodies to the funeral director's? It was an ambulance marked private and seemed so symbolic I had to make the poem.

I do like your description 'flirts with folorness' I think you might have visited this town. That is spot on! I actually like 'moody atmospheric' but am not so fond of 'bleak'. So I am pleased I am getting the atmosphere and the minimalism and allusions across.

I think in an early draft I had gathering for the people in the cafe. I edited as it was a ll a bit busy at that stage. But I like the idea of collecting. Usually I like the present participles as a sort of continuing present...Very much a haiku , zen tense. But I am not sure here that they work unless I rework it a lot. The rhythm of 'sit and chat' for me is better than 'sit chatting' or 'collecting chatting'.

I need to think more about this so I can try to work collecting in there without upsetting the rhythm I want to hear.

You are right about the spacing of the lines too. I did start out with it in couplets or triolets. But I went through some process counting stresses , i think, and ended up with a shape I was not altogether happy with. It was two verses of even stress patterns. But it didn't look the way it sounded in my head. So that's a lesson for future. I did know that I needed it to look barer, I just didn't follow my instincts!

I am certainly going to fiddle with that layout much more.

Your two comments on the beginning and the end I need time to think about.

I am not sure about 'even as the sun sinks'. It sounds a bit 'poetic' to me. Not what I would write. But without 'even;' it makes little sense to add the sun sinking in before a statement about the sky being blue for ever. I need to think more about this and about the position at the top being nigh prosaic?

At the top it worked for me as it is not just Friday; end of the week, but sunset on Friday; end of the last day of the working week.


And you also don't like the abstract end. Again I am unsure about the suggestion. 'Horizon' to me does not say the same as 'infinity'. It is a geographic / space word whereas infinity is temporal as well. (to me). I was thinking of vanishing lines, perspective, infinity in the artistic sense etc. You do get that perspective by the sea. I will play about with the end an beginning and see if I come up with anything.

Thanks for your supportive comments and your careful analysis too.

I will post a revision some time soon. But don't expect it quite yet!!

Jenni

Hi shaggy breeks

Thanks for the message. Animations re cool aren't they.

Don't think I can post them here though.

Good to hear form you

Jenni

Hi thert

Just found your welcome message.

Thanks so much

Hope to see your work around soon too,

Jenni

Hi Snow

That tweak works well. Thumbs up from me.

I only read one example of the form on google from Anna Akhmatova, the one I read rhymed in translation. (probably a good translation). But the page I read informed that the form does not require either rhyme or metre. The requirements are the air of mystery, the separate three thoughts and the final twist. you seem to have done justice to all that.

I tried one which I will post on Monday that I feel diffident about.

I feel 'gone' works better than m 'missing'. Your final line is still not iambic (the single line), but it feels right as that adds emphasis to it.



Jenni

Hi Daniel

I thought these three very clever.

I think they paint a great picture. Probably because my Dad taught me to pun before I knew more than a dozen words!

I like the way you make words do the maximum amount of work... curb your appetite for example.

I really like the centre stanza.

Great faux-ku!



Jenni

Hi Aggie

This is a lovely sonnet.

I am used to the four quatrains and a couplet form with a different rhyming scheme. So you got me looking up the various forms in wikipedia et al. Thanks for sending me on that interesting browse.

I had a difficulty at the beginning of this poem, which is down to me not the poem.

I could not make the first line scan properly as iambic until I pronounced plateau with the stress on the second syllable. What other way is there? You are asking. Well the British way with the stress on plat.! A case of you say tom8o and I say tomRto

So I have only one tentative suggestion for his piece. I say tentative as it works really well as is. I would just like to suggest, for you to look at and effect or reject as you feel fits;


'I am but woman flared by what has been!'

Maybe stresses the woman a bit more?



Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed the read.

Jenni

Thanks for yoru suggestiosn snow.
I think you are right about diminishing. It needs it s own line to prevent rushing the syllables.

Think I will keep infinity on its own line too.

Will mull your other suggestions and juggle the lien breaks at the end.


Thanks




Jenni

Hi Liz

I just found page 2 of this poem's postings and Tim of azure has some points (similar to mine about your ending). Also reading that inspired me to post a possible solution to the syntactical problem he has flagged at the opening, which I missed, but it is certainly there.

Here is my suggestion;


'outside her Brooklyn stoop
there's a crack
in the asphalt,
which is haunting....'



Jenni

Hi Liz

I have come to this poem late so will concentrate on the fourth revision. I think this is a great poem. I love the idea of the crack and the narrator growing together. I really like the imagery and the philosophy behind it all.

My only quibble (and this is me in pessimistic mood) was I wanted it to end bleakly, at an ellipsis after 'whole'.

It's just as I read through, you take me along into this place where I am enjoying the vulnerability and the tension of mpending gloom stalking me.

To end with an ellipsis after 'whole' would allow me to linger there and ponder. But your final lines bring me back suddenly to a brighter place, and that feels like an anticlimax.

That's just how it struck me.

I took a look at your endings on previous versions to give some insight. And I wonder if you will feel it incomplete ending at 'whole'.

Perhaps the poem would not then give the message you hoped to give.

But your current final lines do not really say the same as your original thoughts about slow change and taking it a nibble at a time.

So I wondered about the following as an alternative to just ending at 'whole';

'and she wonders
if in time, it might swallow
her whole...

She longs for change.
But she has learned from this crack
that will only come slowly'

Maybe something along those lines, which is the sense I got from your earlier drafts.

Please feel free to disregard any of this.

I do love the idea and its execution up to that end.

It is like that crack: deep and potentially dangerous,

Jenni

Hi Cynn

I liked this one. nice imagery. Good humour and just works really well.

I agree with the suggestion to add 'from' and delete 'and' from line 1.

However I can see constantly will make it more grammatical, but won't it scan too long?

I didn't mind 'constant' when I read it. You could use 'always' but 'constant' might have nuances you prefer to keep?

First line of verse 2 I thought was good.

I like the phrase 'I have but do not want'. It seems to sumarise what you say in verse 1 as a stand alone phrase. But actually I can see it is the end of the sentence from verse 1. 'with other memories I have but do not want'. The stanza break here adds to the double meaning so I felt you had intended that?

I would like to suggest a full stop (period) after 'leads' as I tripped there every reading. I can see the comma, but I still read on.

'on other narrow chatreuse hips' works OK for me. The suggestion to alter to 'another's' also works, though I think you'd need to cut one of the adjectives to keep it scanning. And think that probably would be an improvement.

Then possibly a semi colon instead of a comma after 'I do not fall.', would assist the sense there too?

Otherwise I think it is a fine poem. It is a strong narrative, nice and visual and plenty of subtext. I really enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing

Jenni

Hi Dani

Thanks for the welcome!

I just wanted to say when I wrote 'to use or use', you know I meant to give you a choice!! Must have Henry Ford in the family tree I think?

Thanks Ryan

I have revised that to a full stop / period

Thanks for your comments too. Sorry you find it a bit bleak. I hoped it was more contemplative than bleak, but I suppose it is all about the state of the world and our allotted time here. And I do feel pretty pessimistic when I contemplate the state of the world.

Thanks for reviewing

Jenni

Hi Daniel

I really enjoyed this one. It is a good story conveyed in very few syllables and a very visual one too.

I see you omitted i's and eyes in your revision. I liked that particular play on words and offer this suggestion. Although I feel less than competent to suggest edits for such a tight piece of writing.

'but once eyes piqued, I's squintin at a star'

Just omitting one letter in fact!

Love the word play and the humour and observation here







Jenni

Hi again

This is a lively poem and replete with visual images so bound to eb a winner w3ith children. All the unusual colour words are a great theme for learning too.

I have a couple of suggestions;

1) 'cerulean' is quite a mouthful so would like to suggest it follows 'in' rather than 'among' just to ease the tongue twisting (and the meter?)

2) pursues the quaint parade; with eager haste as you had before I think works better than 'greatest haste'. Another alternative is 'utmost haste'

imho 'utmost' sounds most natural of the three, but 'eager' is more descriptive.
3) adding is it before kangaroo seems to help the scanning of that line and it also helps grammatically as the 'or' could otherwise refer to 'the bane' , ie the bane of Cobalt Kingdom or the bane of kangaroo. The punctuation obviously prevents that misinterpretation, but it is still tricky for children and teachers usually don't like anything that might confuse.

a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Is this the hungry hunter, who’s the bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or [is it] the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane?



That's all though. Your other revisions are great. And it's a nice peom to savour as you speak it. Hope you find success with it inthe magazine

Jenni

Perspectives

The sun sinks
on another Friday afternoon.
I walk towards home,
passing the charity shop coffee house
where through curved glass
I see today's recycled people
sit and chat about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little.
I climb the hill towards the sea.
A February blackbird trills
reminding me

I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.
Behind the funeral director's
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path.
The sky is blue for ever
over a quiet sea
And I am just another dot
diminishing
well before
infinity.

© Jenni Meredith Feb 4th. 2007

hello John

I enjoyed this poem. The past's future was brighter than today's future.... that's a thought we can all identify with. Is it just part of the ageing process?

You have had good advice from other reviewers so I will add my four penneth though much of it has already been suggested.


Once, I lived in yesterdays world,
full of laugh{s}[ter],
the future {viewed as} an unknown adventure.
Now, I reside in today{’s world},
{timidly} facing [tomorrow] {the future} with trepidation;
a gentle prompt—
a friendly reminder—
my memory [merely] {found inside} reference books.

Lately, I muse at the terror of {entering} a world
where a day becomes a minute{.}[,]
Whe{n}[re] a smile and the touch of a hand,
comes not from a friend… but [from] a stranger;
reality a vacuum—
{a}[the] body a shell—
{a}[its] feeble heart [faltering]{beating away} …

I hope some of my suggestions might assist?

But obviously do please discard those you don't find suitable

Jenni

Hi

I enjoyed this tribute. It is a good description of the man and of his relationship with the audience.

Here are my thoughts about some of the words, which I hope are useful But please feel free to use or use as you think fit.

He stood...
legs apart,
arms stretched to the sides,
waving in rhythmic mini-circles.

The only thing I am unsure of here is the ellipsis. I know these are all edits. But for me a line break suffices. Or even a comma.

His {taut} torso
twisting to the beat.
[A reflection of] His smile{...}
{an engaging center-piece}
{reflected} in the [giddy] eyes of his {giddy} audience.

I thought maybe here you could echo the structure as well as the words of your final line?

The invited guests
some standing, others on seats
clapped {wildly}[enthusiastically],
cheering his every move.

(wildly is just bit informal/colloquial?)

Laughter {wavered} [swayed]
[from] {between} roars [to] {and} giggles,
{but} [nourished] his [ebullience] {enthusiasm increased},
[he was] drugged by the joy
he [in]fused into the[ir] hearts.
{surrounding him.}

'wavered' seems to have something of indecisiveness about it.

His famous police-style {framed} glasses
{didn't}[could not] dim the light he {exuded} [radiated],
perfect teeth,
lively black hair,
thin yet supple lips,
{all seemed to have a} [each with] {character of} their own [character].


I [would stand] {stood} far away,
hidden by the ruckus
framing the celebration that was him.

Not sure if you might want to use that past tense (would stand) to convey this happened on many occasions. Or if this is a memory of only one occasion? If it is several occasions other verbs will need attention too. I just played with the verb here as it seems this is a regular occurence?

And today[,]
twenty-one years later, [for the twenty first year?] (Or is this 21 years after the single incident you are recording?)
I celebrate his memory{...} [;]
my arms stretched,
hands circling,
torso undulating,
a reflection of his smile in my eyes.

It's a lovely poem and I like the way you echo the idea of his laughter reflecting in your eyes now and in the audience's eyes then.

Thanks for sharing your tribute. I hope I might have assisted?

Jenni

This is an interesting form.

i just looked it up on google
So your poem has the three elements in the first and second three lines. And the seventh line acts well as the narrative summary.

It seems to work fine on that score. Perhaps though the metre is not that regular. It is almost iambic in the first six lines, though not quite. And it might feel more rounded if the final lilne were also iambic.

I like line five where I get the mysterious feeling that the rules talk about. I think I detect a story not fully disclosed there with zilch remaining to 'spoil the plot'.

and I found 'next year they'll propogate' had possible layered meanings too.

I agree 'lavender beds' is much smoother.

I can't make sensible suggestions about metre, but yo perhaps it would help to make it more regular.


Thanks for introducing the form.

I can see this is going to be fun to work with.

Much harder than it first appears too.





Jenni