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galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 28 13, 09:58


Babylonian
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Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Thanks Cleo and Pysche...I agree, it needs something to stand on to help it become less abstract and more "real" thanks, gonna let this one sit and see what happens!!!!
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #133568 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,109

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 22 13, 20:09


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Absolutely beautiful!! I loved reading it
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #133494 · Replies: 9 · Views: 4,728

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 22 13, 15:41


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Awesome :-) I'd love to hear from someone who doesn't like it...I think it needs work but am lost at this point blink.gif
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #133482 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,109

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 22 13, 13:25


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Thanks, Sergio!! The second stanza refers to both a type of parade step common in New Orleans known as a second line step, and the nine circles refers to the 9 levels of Hell chronicled in Dante's Inferno
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #133479 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,109

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 21 13, 20:07


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Nice piece

I love the alliteration and the imagery. The only thing I didn't like as much was the ending. It almost seems as if it should end on a stronger note. With that being said, however, I'll be the first to admit I don't have a solid suggestion as to HOW to do that. Not yet, anyway...I am going to think about this one a few. I really do like it!!
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #133470 · Replies: 8 · Views: 7,741

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 21 13, 20:01


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Love love love this!!! I agree with the consensus on here, this should be in print somewhere. Best thing I've read so far this week!
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #133469 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,135

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 21 13, 19:59


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Wonderful poem--especially this

"O my first dead—
Which winter squall
carries my disordered pages,
the shroud of tears we will inhabit,
the gravesite where all spit
their epitaphs?"



the only thing that didn't seem to quite match (at first) was
" the jolt of a wild animal
thrashing from a spasm"

but the more I read it, the more it seems to be an integral part of the poem. I love how the whole thing ends on a question--well done!
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #133468 · Replies: 15 · Views: 10,091

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 21 13, 19:42


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Literally barely formed and stuck in my head until I was forced to write it down, I still don't know quite what to make of this


And so they left,
to join the revelers
as part of the black parade.

Second line stepping
their way through
all nine circles.

From one room to another
they steadily descend
into the hell they created
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #133467 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,109

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 21 13, 19:38


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Wow, I knew it had been a while since I'd been here, but I didn't realize I had let 2 years go by. Shame on me!! Greetings to friends old and new, I'm glad to be back and promise to be a bit more interactive
  Forum: Introduce Yourself · Post Preview: #133466 · Replies: 4 · Views: 6,568

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Jan 8 09, 05:51


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Bev,

I liked this--I don't think you should apologize for it being depressing...it is what it is, and I think it reads very well. I especially like this line "Banish suffering from your quivering laugh"
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #112646 · Replies: 11 · Views: 4,069

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Jan 8 09, 05:48


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Greetings poetexpress! I am also in Virginia :-)

I look forward to reading some of your work
  Forum: Introduce Yourself · Post Preview: #112645 · Replies: 12 · Views: 8,194

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Nov 16 08, 21:33


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Thanks, Lori! I certainly appreciate it. And thanks again for letting me post the announcement.
  Forum: Member Announcements -> Basilica · Post Preview: #111766 · Replies: 2 · Views: 4,002

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Nov 11 08, 17:41


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Hi everyone

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In order to help raise funds, I am participating in a half-marathon through an organization called Team in Training. This organization exists to benefit The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Since 1988, more than 380,000 volunteer participants have helped raise more than 900 million dollars!

I have 5 months to get ready for the race and let me tell you, I will need EVERY one of those months! I normally run about 4 miles, so 13.1 is not gonna be easy. Especially in March, on the oceanfront-yikes!!

The core of any volunteer program is committed participants and donations. I'm hoping that some of you out there may want to make a tax deductible donation to help find a cure. I've met some of the local cancer survivors as well as those currently battling this disease and each time I do, I am humbled and amazed all over again. I think I have a hard task--running 13 miles- but it is NOTHING compared to what these men, women and children are going through every single day.

Please help me make a difference! You can click the link below to donate, even $5 helps. 100% of the proceeds go to benefit cancer research and you'll be able to receive an immediate receipt that you can use for tax purposes.

Please feel free to ask me if you have any questions. Here is the link:
http://pages.teamintraining.org/va/shamrock09/lconselyea

Thanks!

leigh ann
  Forum: Member Announcements -> Basilica · Post Preview: #111655 · Replies: 2 · Views: 4,002

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Nov 3 08, 18:49


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Thanks to everyone who provided feedback. I took a little bit of everything and mixed it all up to come up with a revision. I believe I responded to everyone, if I missed anyone, I do apologize. The comments and thoughts that you all contributed are priceless
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #111548 · Replies: 11 · Views: 3,831

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 19 08, 19:04


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Oh!! I've never heard it expressed so handily! "the added smell of bilge" I love it!!!!! even more than that, I can smell it:-)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #111262 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,319

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 2 08, 14:01


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Lori and Steve,

Many thanks for your comments.

Lori-I appreciate the punctuation policing!! it needed it sun.gif

I've taken a little bit from both of your comments, as well as removing the reference to fire, that really never belonged here to begin with. Once I decide what to replace it with, I'll post a revision.

y'all are awesome, I've missed hanging out here
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #110945 · Replies: 11 · Views: 3,831

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 2 08, 06:08


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Sam,

you've made an excellent point. I was concentrating so hard on the other parts I did not like, I didn't key in on that line. You are absolutely correct, it does not match the "coldness". I'll need to think of an appropriate revision. thank you, I appreciate your thoughts
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #110932 · Replies: 11 · Views: 3,831

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 1 08, 21:26


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


whew..the revision was a long time in the making and it still doesn't quite "gell" for me. I do think it's an improvement. At any rate, it is revised :-)

Revision

Silence--

no warm golden glow,
cradling your heart
in it’s grasp,
to provide
unrelenting peace

Instead,
the cerulean of an empty sky,
devoid of clouds,
planes, hope;
the azure wall of nothing
that rushes past your ears when you stand alone.
or the grey blue tinge
of a freshly bruised soul.

Finite sounds,
infinite spaces,
shining blue-white like moonlight,
cold brittle steel slicing through,
the razor sharp quietness of the air.

In the rush of nothingness,
transcend,
reach heretofore
unassailable places.

Climb,
climb steadily into the
void,
reaching into your soul,
feeling the icy bite of

Silence.



Original:
Silence

No warm golden glow,
Cradling your heart in it’s grasp,
Providing unrelenting peace

Instead,
the cerulean of an empty sky, devoid of clouds, planes, hope;
the azure wall of nothing that rushes past your ears when you stand alone.
or the grey blue tinge of a fresh bruise on your soul.

Finite sounds, infinite spaces, shining blue-white like moonlight,
Suggestive of the purifying heat of fire,
the razor sharp quietness of the air.

In the rush of nothingness,
transcend, reaching heretofore
unassailable places.

Climb, climb steadily into the
void, reaching into your soul,
feeling the icy bite of

Silence
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #110926 · Replies: 11 · Views: 3,831

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 1 08, 21:18


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Hi Shelly,

Like a few others who have already commented, I like the idea that this is several poems, intertwined. Although I've always found sonnets difficult to compose, I really liked John's comparison to the Shanks piece....it might be interesting to try that with this. Even it you ultimately do not end up with a true sonnet, incorporating the "voice" throughout might make this into something truly remarkable.

With all that said, this is a very original piece. Intriguing, and worth another look. I am definitely going to read this several more times, it seems to be more and more captivating with each read.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #110925 · Replies: 9 · Views: 3,122

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Oct 1 08, 21:10


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Wow, very evocative....really painted a picture in my mind ( and really, what more can we ask?) The ending is perfect, very well done
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #110924 · Replies: 8 · Views: 4,848

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Jun 26 07, 16:11


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Hi Ldoone,


Interesting piece here. I have always liked the concept of duende, and I think you used it well here. I immediately understood the struggle going on. The only part I felt did not quite fit was this stanza:

The artist rustles the branches, living flesh,
responds by dancing away from reality, to
new landscapes, unfamiliar accents
A thousand different sensations.

For some reason, it feels to me like this breaks up the poem, like a bump in the road that you wish wasn't there. I think the poem would be better without it. Again,that's just my opinion, feel free to totally ignore it!!

Other than that, I think you definitely have something here and I am interested to see what other comments you may get.

Thanks for sharing
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #98804 · Replies: 3 · Views: 2,207

galoutofdixie
Posted on: Jun 5 07, 14:43


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Hi Dee,

Great poem! I really like the revised version. And, I agree with Psyche, I also don't mind the lack of punctuation. I think it really works here. I love the way the poem reads
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #97589 · Replies: 13 · Views: 4,592

galoutofdixie
Posted on: May 27 07, 08:24


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Merlin and Don,

Thank you both for your input.

Merlin, the examples you provided are very enlightening. I will consider them at great length...I do agree that the poem should move into present tense. Not that I see it that way, I have an idea of how it could continue.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #96748 · Replies: 8 · Views: 6,858

galoutofdixie
Posted on: May 25 07, 13:29


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Hi Lucie,

I enjoyed your story. I did waver a little bit in the beginning, not quite sure who/what/where, but then it really took off. I especially liked your descriptions of Hannah. You really breathed life into her character. I felt as if I would know her if I met her on the street wave.gif
  Forum: Short Stories & Chapters for Critique ->... · Post Preview: #96647 · Replies: 12 · Views: 15,524

galoutofdixie
Posted on: May 25 07, 07:44


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 69
Joined: 24-February 05
From: Houma, LA
Member No.: 101


Hi Lori,

Thanks, it's good to be back :-) I hope to spend more time here in the future.

Since both you and Merlin asked about the last stanza, I've included it here. I just felt it was trite and, well, kinda lame!!! I know this particular poem does not follow any particular structure, which is unusal because in rhymed verse, I usually stick to the more rigid forms. But this was written on-the-fly and then put aside. Please feel free to suggest anything-I'm open to any and all comments, positive or negative.

Here's how the last stanza read:

Now these scars I bear
will forever be a token,
a living witness to
words never spoken.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #96631 · Replies: 8 · Views: 6,858

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