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~The Sparrow and Me~

A sparrow flies to me by light of dawn,
and rests outside upon my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, suppress a yawn,
set out upon a day of mundane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
unknowing that inside I clearly see:
Out of the blue it sets down, standing still
and adds enjoyment to my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note ... its quills a brownish grey.
I wonder if my little friend is ill ...
but then it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
The sun is up, the roosters crow their call.
While waiting for my songster's pure, sweet trill,
a rain begins... pale flowers start to fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill
and sadly sings its notes; away it's flown.
Entranced, I watch it fly to yonder hill;
again, I'm left to sip my tea alone.

correction :
by replaces at L 1
UNKNOWING REPLACES NOT KNOWING L6
sets down replaces lands there L7
surppress rep...repress L3
yonder.. yon green L 19

Thanks Daniel, Liz & Lori


~ The sparrow and Me~

A sparrow flies to me at light of dawn,
It perches on my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and start a day of mundane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
sits near an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes and stand so still
to watch me sip my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note; quills dull and grey.
I wonder if my little bird is ill;
it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
the sun is up, the roosters call.
While waiting for my songster's gentle trill,
it rains and flowers start to fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
It sadly sings, " He's gone! He's gone! "
Entranced, I watch him fly up to green hill;
I'm left to sip my tea alone.

Thanks Cathy



~ The sparrow and Me~

A sparrow flies to me at light of dawn ,
It perches outside by my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and set to start a day of munane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
not knowing there's an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes and stands so still
and adds enjoyment to my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note; its quills are dull and grey.
I wonder if my little bird is ill,
but then it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
The sun is up, the roosters crow their call.
While waiting to hear my songster's pure trill,
it starts to rain, pale flowers start to fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
It sadly sings these notes , " He's gone ! He's gone ! "
Entranced , I watch it fly to the green hill ;
again, I'm left to drink my tea alone.

2003

Hi Aggie

How lovely to have a sparrow come and visit while you are drinking your morning tea. It gives a cheery start to the day.

A few thoughts; take or leave as you wish and apologies if they upset your meter.

[add] {delete} comment

A sparrow flies to me at {sunrise} [light of] dawn , ..sunrise and dawn are the same thing
It perches outside {near}[by] my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and set to start a day of {tedious}[mundane] drill. ..for meter (I think)

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
not knowing there's an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes and stands so still
and adds enjoyment to my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note; its quills are dull and grey.
I wonder if my little bird is ill,
but then it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
The sun is up, the roosters crow their call.
While waiting to hear my songster's pure trill,
it starts to rain, pale flowers start to fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
It sadly sings these notes , " He's gone ! He's gone ! "
Entranced , I watch it fly to the green hill ;
again, I'm left to drink my tea alone.

Thanks for the read. Hope you enjoyed your sparrow's visit.

Nina

Hi Nina,




So the new stanza one is




Aggie

Yes, Nina and your visit as well.




Aggie

Hi Aggie!

Such a sweet poem, although a bit sad at the end. Has the little sparrow lost someone do you suppose?

I don't know if you are writing in meter or if you want to keep some sort of rhythm so pay no mind to my suggestions if they mess things up. *smiles*

A sparrow flies to me at light of dawn ,
It perches outside by my window sill. 'it perches on my window sill'?
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and {set to start}[begin] [my]{a} day of mun[d]ane drill.

I see you have 10 syllables per line. But in places it seems to mess up the flow. Maybe 10 in lines 1 & 3, then 8 in line 2, & 9 in line 4? I thought that might smooth it out a bit. And maybe it's all in my head! lol

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
not knowing there's an observer, that's me. 'sits near an observer, that's me'?
Out of the blue it comes {and}[to] stand{s} so still
and adds enjoyment to my morning tea. 'bringing such joy to my morning tea'?

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note; {its} quills {are} dull and grey.
I wonder if my little bird is ill,
but {then} it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
{The} [S]un is up, {the} roosters crow their call.
While waiting to hear my songster's pure trill,
it starts to rain, {pale} flowers [softly]{start to} fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
It sadly sings {these notes} , " He's gone ! He's gone ! "
Entranced , I watch it fly [up] to {the} green hill ;
{again,}[and] I'm left to drink my tea alone.

These are only suggestions that IMO (and those are the key words, only my opinion) smooth out the flow. Not knowing how you intend for this to read it may be of no consequence so use or lose as you want. It's still a very sweet poem! *smiles*
Cathy

A sparrow flies to me at light of dawn,
It perches on my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, repress a yawn
and begin my day of mundane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
sits near an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes to stand so still,
bringing such joy to my morning tea.

A sparrow perches on my window sill;
no whispered note; quills dull and grey.
I wonder if my little bird is ill,
but it flaps its wings and flies away.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
Sun is up, roosters crow their call.
While waiting to hear my songster's pure trill,
it starts to rain, flowers softly fall.

A sparrow perches on my window sill.
It sadly sings, " He's gone! He's gone! "
Entranced , I watch it fly up to green hill;
and I'm left to drink my tea alone.

Hi Aggie,

This is a real nice poem.....I like your version, and I like the "tips" you have received as well. My favorite line is: A sparrow perches on my window sill;
sits near an observer, that's me.
Out of the blue it comes to stand so still,
bringing such joy to my morning tea.

Your flow is nice. I enjoyed the read.

AG

Greetings, Aggie. This is a delightful poem about your interaction with a little sparrow. At first I was expecting an interlaced rhyme scheme, when you repeated the 'ill' rhyme in S1L2,4 into S2L1,3. I was expecting you to rhyme abab bcbc cdcd, etc. The repitition, however of a variation of the first line in S2,3,4,5 is an interesting touch, however.

By the way, when one of us revises our poem, I find it most helpful to post the original following it... and I know that you usually do that. It really helps the 'critiquer' to know the progress of the poem; it's a learning process for ALL of us then, methinks.


The 'suggestions' I offer are NOT necessarily what I'm saying you ought to say; they are merely thoughts that you might build upon to give a slightly different and more specific air to your gentle piece.

deLighting in sharing, Daniel

Hello, Aggie,

I see others have made suggestions so I will only comment on the substance of the poem, which I liked very much. It reminded me of my parents who sit by a window for breakfast every morning and watch the hummingbirds and chickadees that visit them. There is a gentle flowing peace within your words.

Hi Cathy,




Thanks Cathy. A sparrow always has a friend or two to lose out in the wild.
I wrote this few years back.I think my muse must have been sad then.

I like your suggestion and have the pleasure to write it out.



Aggie

Carol,

I am always happy to share those moments with you.
Thanks a lot.

Please read my revised poem.



Aggie

Daniel,


Thanks, when you are here with your golden pen, I sure will add
another good poem to my collection. The rhyme scheme you
mentioned ", abab bcbc cdcd, etc " is interesting, I may try it out later.

Sparrows are cute, aren't they ?



Aggie

Thanks , Jackie. people are basically the same all over the world, aren't they
when it comes to watching birds and butterflies.

I like your signature quote.





Aggie

Hi Aggie!

You've done a wonderful job with your revision(s). Now I don't know which one I like the best. *smiles* But I guess it doesn't matter cause the story is still the same. And I love watching birds flit about doing their thing.

Thanks for the read!

Cathy

Hi Aggie,

A strong poem with very active images, a storyline that is fresh, natural to the ear and good strong word choices. Right now, a specific form name doesn't come to me, however I was wondering why the continueous repeat of each first line per stanza, but the first stanza is slightly worded different. It sticks out, but it isn't a problem.

some other thoughts to follow

Best regards, Liz

Hello Liz,

I knew not of any specific form when I wrote this in 2003.
It's just a rhyme poem with a repeated line through out.
the way I liked it then.

I like your analysis of my poem.

Thanks a lot for the crit. and good comments , the credit of which
should go to Daniel.



aggie

Thanks for this reminder.

Aggie

Hello Aggie,

Yes the revision process has improved on a very worthy poem. Good luck with it...

Also, I am glad to see that the signiture reminder is noticable. I think either Nina or Fran suggested it to remind new member what the basic rules are in the forums, I sometimes am unsure too and so I go put 3 or more to cover my tracks! LOL

Best wishes to you, Liz

HI Aggie.

Your revisions are beautiful and I think this poem is polished.

Each stanza describes vivid scenes - we can see, feel, hear the sparrow. You've even made me think I WAS the sparrow in this sweet piece!

I have two suggestions for you to ponder below as you wish.

A lovely mood setter which I enjoyed!
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

A sparrow flies to me by light of dawn,
and rests outside upon my window sill.
I rub my sleepy eyes, {repress} [suppress] a yawn, (for alliteration and a softer daDUM)
set out upon a day of mundane drill.

A sparrow perches on my window sill
and sadly sings these notes, "He's gone! He's gone!"
Entranced, I watch {it} [him] fly to yon green hill; (or yonder hill;)
again, I'm left to sip my tea alone.

Since L2’s ‘gone’ and L4’s ‘alone’ are near rhymes and all the other stanzas have perfect rhymes, I suggest the following change to L2 (or something similar) which is a lead-in to L3:
and sadly sings his notes; away he’s flown.

Lori,

It's a pleasure to have you here reading my poem
an editing it.

I like a lot of your suggestions and these two lines..

set out upon a day of mundane drill.

and sadly sings his notes; away he’s flown.



Thanks a lot.



Aggie

Hi Aggie.

Why thank you very much! Glad to be of some help.

Enjoying your latest revision!

~Cleo