Ballad of the Wishing Wheel, 2 versions for comment please Options

[Thoth]

Version 2

Discovered whilst I journeyed through an isolated land;
a wishing wheel washed up upon the beach.
Though ancient, it was living, spinning rainbows in my hand;
it's magic beckoned for my groping reach.

A dream of witchy ladies dancing moon eyed on the sand
and I wished a witchy lady was my own;
a smile with whispered promises of love and tender hands
to caress away the pain of being alone.

0 witchy woman of my dreams, my passion and delight,
no moment gives me for a rest - she’s real and holds me tight,
0 witchy woman of the wheel she’s come to spin my life
yet leaves me dizzy in the end, confused and dispossessed.

She led me from my desert through the heavens of her nights,
enchanted me with swaying of her hips.
Bedazzled by her charms and by her womanly delights,
the passion flowed like nectar on our lips.

Then urged me ever onward, and I knew I was bewitched
but lust excluded logic from my mind.
Stealing all my stamina she had my life un-stitched,
the more I gave, the more she was inclined.

Unable to deny her, I was trapped within her spell,
en-slaved unto the mistress of my dreams.
As time went by, my heaven changed into a living hell,
in serving all her wants and her extremes.

Eventually I tossed that wheel back to the ebbing tide
“don't need no witchin wimmin wantin me!”
and instantly those bonds were broken with my mystic bride;
as I watched her drift back to the foaming sea.

Sometimes when I am lonely still I stroll upon that shore,
and wonder where might be my magic wheel.
Remembering all those wishes that I made so long before,
I’m glad that I’m released of that ordeal.

0 witchy woman of my dreams, my passion and delight,
no moment gives me for a rest - she’s real and holds me tight,
0 witchy woman of the wheel she’s come to spin my life
yet leaves me dizzy in the end, confused and dispossessed.

So should you find a wishing wheel washed up upon the shore,
return it quickly to the ocean waves
then purge your mind of witchy things and pray for evermore
or the magic wheel shall have you as its slave.



Original version

Alone and wandering aimless
through an isolated land,
I found a wishing wheel upon the beach;
Though ancient yet still perfect,
spinning rainbows in my hand
I felt its magic flow into my reach.

So I dreamed of mystic ladies,
dancing moon eyed on the sand,
and I wished a witchy lady of my own,
her smile had whispered promises
of love and tender hands
to caress away my pain of being alone.

0 witchy woman of your dreams,
your passion and delight,
0 mystic woman of the wheel,
she’s real and holds you tight.
No moment offered for a rest,
she’s come to spin your life
but leaves you dizzy in the end,
confused and dispossessed.

She led me from my desert,
through the romance of her nights,
enchanted me with the swaying of her hips.
Bedazzled by her charms
and by her womanly delights,
the passion flowed like nectar on our lips.

Then urging ever onward,
and I knew I was bewitched
but lust excluded logic from my mind.
Stealing all my stamina
she had my life un-stitched,
the more I gave, the more she was inclined.

0 witchy woman of your dreams,
your passion and delight,
0 mystic woman of the wheel,
she’s real and holds you tight.
No moment offered for a rest,
she’s come to spin your life
but leaves you dizzy in the end,
confused and dispossessed.

Unable to deny her,
I was trapped within her spell,
en-slaved unto the mistress of my dreams.
As time went by, my heaven changed
into a living hell,
in serving all her wants and her extremes.

Eventually I tossed that wheel
back to the ebbing tide;
“Don't need no witchin wimmin wantin me!”
And instantly those bonds were broken
with my mystic bride;
as I watched her drift back to the foaming sea.

So should you find a wishing wheel
washed up upon the shore,
return it quickly to the ocean waves,
then purge your mind of witchy things
and pray for evermore
or the magic wheel shall have you as its slave.

Sometimes when I am lonely still
I stroll upon that shore,
and wonder where might be my magic wheel.
Remembering all those wishes
that I made so long before,
I’m happily released of that ordeal.

0 witchy woman of your dreams,
your passion and delight,
0 mystic woman of the wheel,
she’s real and holds you tight.
No moment offered for a rest,
she’s come to spin your life
but leaves you dizzy in the end,
confused and dispossessed.


Note: The “Wishing Wheel” is the sea-shell of a rare mollusc belonging to the pansy family. The iridescent shell features five heart-shaped blue pearl lobes.

[Merlin]

Hi Wally,
a good tale - one that will allow you to survive the 1001 nights!

I would recommend reviewing your verbs, they could be a bit stronger. V1, found (L3) and felt (L6) are somewhat limp and don't really hit you in the eye.

I like the flow here.

Merlin

[Thoth]

Thanks Merlin

Is the second version an improvement?

Wal

[Merlin]

Indeed an improvement.
Both versions have the "w" alliteration, adding to the wheel whirrrring. Good.

Yes, juggling verses and changing wording without losing the drama all come together.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Ooooh - this is one to so I will read it soon for comment.

[Maureen]

WOW - I loved this - I kept getting the tune of Devil Woman running through my brain as I was reading.

I found it a bit bumpy in spots (sorry) and had a fiddle to see if I could smooth it out for you apart from the chorus which I left as is as it is a change of pace anyway but I came up with this - which if your are into syllable counting runs as 14/10/14/10 throughout . It is of course your poem and this is offered in friendship as a suggestion only - yours to use, or lose as you choose.



Discovered whilst I journeyed through an isolated land;
a wishing wheel washed up upon the beach.
Though ancient, it was living, spinning rainbows in my hand;
it's magic beckoned for my groping reach.

I dreamt of witchy ladies dancing moon eyed on the sand
wished for a witchy lady of my own;
whose smile and whispered promises of love and tender hands
would soothe the pain I felt being alone.

0 witchy woman of my dreams, my passion and delight,
no moment gives me for a rest - she’s real and holds me tight,
0 witchy woman of the wheel she’s come to spin my life
yet leaves me dizzy in the end, confused and dispossessed.

She led me from my desert through the heavens of her nights,
enchanted me with the sway of her hips.
Bedazzled by her special charms and womanly delights,
the passion flowed like nectar on our lips.

She urged me ever onward, and I knew I was bewitched
but lust excluded logic from my mind.
She stole all of my stamina, she had my life un-stitched,
the more I gave, the more she was inclined.

Unable to deny her, I was trapped within her spell,
en-slaved unto the mistress of my dreams.
As time went by, my heaven changed into a living hell,
in serving all her wants and her extremes.

Eventually I tossed back the wheel, to ebbing tide
“don't need no witchin wimmin wantin me!”
and instantly those bonds were broken with my mystic bride;
she drifted back into the foaming sea.

Sometimes when I am lonely still I stroll upon that shore,
and wonder where might be my magic wheel.
Remembering all those wishes that I made long before,
I’m glad that I’m released from that ordeal.

0 witchy woman of my dreams, my passion and delight,
no moment gives me for a rest - she’s real and holds me tight,
0 witchy woman of the wheel she’s come to spin my life
yet leaves me dizzy in the end, confused and dispossessed.

So should you find a wishing wheel washed up upon the shore,
return it quickly to the ocean waves
then purge your mind of witchy things and pray for evermore
don’t let that wheel entrap you as its slave.

Cheers

Maureen

[Thoth]

Wow, I missed all the comments on this one (thought it had died a death a year ago)

Thanks Maureen for those suggestions. I will have to look it over carefully but already see a couple that will considder seriously

Hugz

Wal

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wally,

Which version do you like more of the two posted? I kind of like the original but want to know before I offer feedback.

Will be back again soon!
~Cleo

[Maureen]

Love that revised version Mate - it's great. Do you ever set your work up as Audio or video clips??? I reckon this would really lend itself to something like that.

Greatly enjoyed the read and the imagery

Cheers

Maureen