 Afloat (was Night of Insomnia) Revision, huitain |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies  |
 Jun 5 13, 17:37
Post
#1
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
In revision I have changed the title to something less obvious.
Also changed to luminescent caves (thank you Maureen) Also felt I needed a more unusual ending so brought in Butterfly fish who swim together to whisper. I have had a suggestion that the name of butterfly fish -Chaetodontidae sounds quite lyrical so I've tried it out and it has grown on me. It does fit the meter - CHAE-to-DON-ti-DAE Afloat Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave, my irksome daytime chores - ignored. Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to drift in luminescent caves of dreams, where sanity's restored. Then Chaetodontidae's faint tune sweeps me away to sleep's lagoon. ----------------------------------------- St was: Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave about my irksome chores, ignored. first revision of ending: Sea butterflies susurrant tune transports me into sleep's lagoon ---------------------------------------------- Night of Insomnia Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave about my daytime chores, ignored. Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to drift into a slumberous cave of dreams, where sanity's restored. A distant sea-nymph's soothing croon envelops me in sleep's cocoon. ----------------------------------------- St2 L2 was: to dive into deep ocean caves ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
  
|
|
|
Jun 6 13, 01:01
Post
#2
|
|
 Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,861 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
What a delicate, lovely piece, Eisa! I have only one suggestion to ToT. QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 5 13, 20:37 )  Night of Insomnia Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave about my daytime chores, ignored. Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to dive into deep ocean caves <<<<< float instead of dive? And perhaps another word for 'deep'? To make one think more of a place to slumber. ToT!! of dreams, where sanity's restored. A distant sea-nymph's soothing croon envelops me in sleep's cocoon. Beautiful finale!! ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner      |
|
|
|
|
Jun 8 13, 07:24
Post
#3
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Syl
I am so pleased you like this one - the first I've written this year! Your suggestion of float is much nearer to what I wanted in that line - thanks! Let's hope my muse is returning.  Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jun 8 13, 20:56
Post
#4
|
|
 Egyptian  Posts: 399 Joined: 11-April 13 From: Australia - The great Southern Land Member No.: 5,178 Real Name: Maureen Clifford Writer of: Poetry Referred By:arnfinn |
This is beautiful work Eisa - it paints a delightful picture
Totally agree with changing dive to float - far more restful. I did wonder if luminescent caves would work for you as I believe many of these underwater caves/caverns share this feature. Thanks for the read. Very much enjoyed Cheers Maureen ······· ······· |
|
|
|
|
Jun 12 13, 05:42
Post
#5
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle  Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Eisa:
I truly absorbed the content of this piece and every image you created is so true to life. For all of us, our daytime routines are sources of worry and stress but there is something therapuetic about a deep sleep and pleasant dreams. In a few short lines, you have described an every day occurence that all of us have come to experience. The few changes you have made have made this a much smoother piece. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner  |
|
|
|
|
Jun 14 13, 07:27
Post
#6
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Maureen @ Jun 9 13, 02:56 ) This is beautiful work Eisa - it paints a delightful picture Totally agree with changing dive to float - far more restful. I did wonder if luminescent caves would work for you as I believe many of these underwater caves/caverns share this feature. Thanks for the read. Very much enjoyed Cheers Maureen Thanks so much for your suggestion of luminescent for the caves - I like it and have used it in revision! I felt it would relate quite well to dreams. Cheers Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jun 14 13, 07:30
Post
#7
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Thanks John - it's always good to hear from you. I made a few more changes - hope they work for you.
Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jul 3 13, 16:38
Post
#8
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Another revision of ending!
Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jul 14 13, 17:46
Post
#9
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Snow,
 What a lovely Huitain! I definitely favor your new title and revision but do have a few suggestions for you to ponder as you wish. Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave about my irksome chores, ignored. I feel a slight bump with 'about my'. It's slight, but makes me think how much I like both images of 'daytime' and 'irksome' so offer this alternative: those irksome daytime chores. . . ignored. (or maybe an em dash instead of ellipse) Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to drift in luminescent caves of dreams, where sanity's restored. Beautiful! Then Chaetodontidae's faint tune sweeps me away to sleep's lagoon. Here: I like the image of a sea-nymph too and prefer 'envelops' over 'sweeps'. As always, lovely to read your poetry! Cheers, ~Cleo  ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jul 17 13, 14:51
Post
#10
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jul 14 13, 23:46 ) Hi Snow, Hi Lori - It's great to see you in this thread  What a lovely Huitain! I definitely favor your new title and revision but do have a few suggestions for you to ponder as you wish. Good - I like having something to chew over  Neck tightening, I toss in waves of tangled thoughts, that taunt and rave about my irksome chores, ignored. I feel a slight bump with 'about my'. It's slight, but makes me think how much I like both images of 'daytime' and 'irksome' so offer this alternative: those irksome daytime chores. . . ignored. (or maybe an em dash instead of ellipse) Yes! I have to say that bit has bothered me too (about is a bit of a filler?) I like your suggestion and will change it now. Tired eyelids flitter as I crave to drift in luminescent caves of dreams, where sanity's restored. Beautiful! Thanks! Then Chaetodontidae's faint tune sweeps me away to sleep's lagoon. Here: I like the image of a sea-nymph too and prefer 'envelops' over 'sweeps'. I am still not completely happy with any of my endings (and I have some not shown here  )I have kind of left it on the back burner. I still find chaetodontidae a bit of a mouthful!  I initially changed envelops as I felt it was too similar to cocoon, but as I've changed cocoon I might reconsider. Thanks Lori - you've been a big help! Hugs Snow As always, lovely to read your poetry! Cheers, ~Cleo ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jul 17 13, 20:56
Post
#11
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Glad to be of some help, Snow - always!
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jul 19 13, 21:13
Post
#12
|
|
|
Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,861 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Snow!  I think I like all your versions...LOL... Just popped in to tell you. I hope you're feeling better. You have such loads of stuff to do. Take care!!  Hugs, Syl***  ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
|
Jul 30 13, 17:51
Post
#13
|
|
|
Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Psyche @ Jul 20 13, 03:13 ) Hi Snow! I think I like all your versions...LOL... Just popped in to tell you. I hope you're feeling better. You have such loads of stuff to do. Take care!! Hugs, Syl*** Hi Syl - I have such a lot of catching up to do! I am feeling a lot better, but I'm just very busy at the moment. I think the trouble with the poem is - I like all the revisions too! LOL! Perhaps I'll stick with the last one. Nice to hear from you. Hugs Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 18th April 2024 - 19:30 |
Read our FLYERS - click below
|
| more Quotes |
| ||
|
|
|
|
