Grown Old - Minor Revisions, Swap Quatrain Options

[AMETHYST]

~~~~~12.14.06 Revision~~~~
Grown Old


It doesn't happen over years. I know
such change occurs all at once, never slow.
Though growing old begins with fits of fears,
I know it doesn't happen over years.

One evening, just before I went to bed,
a childish glee within both heart and head-
by morn, I woke with hopeless woe to cling.
Just before I went to bed, one evening.

I once loved everyone...I lived to care-
perhaps too bold, too brave! Too many dared
to take for granted kindness I had done,
I lived to care...I once loved everyone.

I never thought too quick, our lives could change
in just one moment, life can rearrange...
This heart once full, now blank, so filled with naught.
too quick, our lives could change. I never thought!




~~~~~~Revised~~~~~~~~~

Grown Old


It didn't happen over years. I know
such change happens all at once, never slow
but growing old begins with all your fears.
I know it didn't happen over years.

One evening, just before I went to bed,
with childish glee, till worries filled my head-
by morn, I woke with nothing left to cling.
Just before I went to bed, one evening.

I once loved everyone...I lived and cared,
perhaps too bold, too brave! Too many dared
to take for granted kindness I have done,
I lived and cared, I once loved everyone.

I never thought too quick, our lives could change
in just one moment, life can rearrange...
A heart once full, now blank, so filled with naught.
too quick, our lives could change. I never thought!

~~~~~~Original~~~~~~~~~

Untitled,


It didn't happen over years. I know
you probably can't believe this is so,
but growing old begins with all your fears.
I know it didn't happen over years.

One evening, just before I went to bed,
with childish wonder...then woes filled my head-
by morn, I woke with nothing to believe in...
Just before I went to bed, one evening.

I once loved everything...I lived and cared,
perhaps too bold, too brave! Too many dared
to take for granted what kindness could bring.
I lived and cared, I once loved everything.

I never thought so quick, our lives could change
in just one moment, life can rearrange...
A heart once full, now blank...so filled with naught.
so quick, our lives could change. I never thought!

[JLY]

Liz,
This is well done. It takes us from childhood innocence to maturity where we realize what we once took for granted is no longer here.

It flowed quite smoothly.....the only change I would suggest would be

with childish wonder...{then}[when] woes filled my head-

JLY

[Alan]

Dear Liz,

Superb, as I always expect from you, but I see one "filler" line, which I am sure you can turn to better efect :

It didn't happen over years. I know
you probably can't believe this is so, <-- this one ! Adds nothing to the rest, and sticks out compared to all the quality surrounding !

Love
Alan

[AMETHYST]

Liz,
This is well done. It takes us from childhood innocence to maturity where we realize what we once took for granted is no longer here.

It flowed quite smoothly.....the only change I would suggest would be

with childish wonder...{then}[when] woes filled my head-

JLY

Hey John,

Thank you. I am smiling to see that the intent comes through. That one line is among several I am still not happy with, and feel there is space to bring out stronger images to enhance the meaning. I do like your suggestion for when. it actually is more instep with my intended meaning! Thank you...

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Dear Liz,

Superb, as I always expect from you, but I see one "filler" line, which I am sure you can turn to better efect :

It didn't happen over years. I know
you probably can't believe this is so, <-- this one ! Adds nothing to the rest, and sticks out compared to all the quality surrounding !

Love
Alan

Hello Alan,

Good to see you here and thank you for the lovely complement. Lately, I fall short of superb in my writing but I do thank you for that lovely sentiment.

As for that 'one' filler line, I think it is one of several that needs tweaking, but that one specifically is very fillerish and can be used to add more depth to the portrait and meaning. Will be working on that along with several other lines I am just not content with!

Best Wishes, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

Sorry I hadn't seen this one till now. I've noted one booboo in the Swap Quatrain's params below and made a suggestion on a replacement for you. This is a sad one to be sure. I sense the longing of the couple and the regret.

Here are some ideas to ponder - I'll be back again with additional thoughts later...

Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

It didn't happen over years. I know
you probably can't believe this is so,
[you probably might think that this is so,]
but growing old begins with all your fears.
I know it didn't happen over years.

One evening, just before I went to bed,
with childish wonder...{then} [filled] woes {filled} [in] my head-
[with childish wonder, woe crept in my head-]
by morn, I woke with nothing to believe in... (extra beat here)
[by morn, I woke with nothing left to cling…]
Just before I went to bed, one evening.

I once loved everything...I lived and cared,
perhaps too bold, too brave! Too many dared
to take for granted what kindness could bring.
I lived and cared, I once loved everything.
Oops! Sorry Liz – you cannot repeat a rhyme scheme more than once in an SQ. Since you used ‘evening’ in S2, you can’t use ‘bring’ and ‘everything’ in S3.
How about:
[I once loved everyone...I lived and cared,
perhaps too bold, too brave! Too many dared
to take for granted kindness not outdone.
I lived and cared, I once loved everyone. ]

I never thought {so} [too] quick, our lives could change
in just one moment, life can rearrange...
A heart once full, now blank{...} [-]so filled with naught.[..]
[too] {so} quick, our lives could change. I never thought!

[Peterpan]

Hi Liz~

Wow, this is quite a statement...it can be taken many ways. It can be old age and it can be 'old' relationships gone sour. You have crits from more experienced poets/persons so I will just say that I enjoyed it and it has a lot of power. If you revise I look forward to seeing it.

PP

[TygerTyger]

Hey Liz!

It is inded a truth well summed that fearing life takes away from what we want most, to enjoy it. Well summed!

Since Cleo and others have given you some good suggestions, I too will refrain from comment till you post a rewrite.

Just wanted you to know I stopped by...

Dennis!

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz.

Sorry I hadn't seen this one till now. I've noted one booboo in the Swap Quatrain's params below and made a suggestion on a replacement for you. This is a sad one to be sure. I sense the longing of the couple and the regret.

Here are some ideas to ponder - I'll be back again with additional thoughts later...

Cheers
~Cleo

Hi Lori,

Thanks for finding it. I would like to get it dusted off and all proper for our Mosaic Musings Collection of Swap Quatrains Chapbook.

Let me see what you've got for me!

Hugs, Liz ... I look forward to your return...

[add] {delete}

It didn't happen over years. I know
you probably can't believe this is so,
[you probably might think that this is so,]
but growing old begins with all your fears.
I know it didn't happen over years.

I agree that L2, is very weak. It certainly needs to be refreshed, and I like what you've offered, but the meaning I am going for is that 'everyone thinks getting old or growing mature happens over years and years, as if we get old because we are 'older', yet losing that childlike essence within, that is fed by hopes and dreams and things to strive for, however-that happens one night. It is one moment in our lives, where one experience that just breaks that link between hopefulness and reality is gone. You go to bed, and when you wake up...you aren't you anymore. You are tired, and the joy that use to come from silly, insignificant is nolonger there...the hope of something amazing and life changing disappears beneath a sense of mature, rationalization that ... this is it. Perhaps...

you probably might think this isn't so-

I am also comtemplating changes L1, to doesn't and not didn't. What do you think? ...
[/b]


One evening, just before I went to bed,
with childish wonder...{then} [filled] woes {filled} [in] my head-
[with childish wonder, woe crept in my head-]
by morn, I woke with nothing to believe in... (extra beat here)
[by morn, I woke with nothing left to cling…]
Just before I went to bed, one evening.

Thanks for catching that... I was trying for a headless Iamb, but I don't really know what I am doing when using them, so I botched that up. However, I do love your suggestion and will be using it!

I once loved everything...I lived and cared,
perhaps too bold, too brave! Too many dared
to take for granted what kindness could bring.
I lived and cared, I once loved everything.
Oops! Sorry Liz – you cannot repeat a rhyme scheme more than once in an SQ. Since you used ‘evening’ in S2, you can’t use ‘bring’ and ‘everything’ in S3.
How about:
[I once loved everyone...I lived and cared,
perhaps too bold, too brave! Too many dared
to take for granted kindness not outdone.
I lived and cared, I once loved everyone. ]

I didn't know that was a param of Swat Quatrain, I need to check my other SQ's and see if any of them have double use of same rhymes...

I thank you for your suggestion, Lori... it is very well done. I will also be considering another turn perhaps... that will take care of the double usage. Cool!

I never thought {so} [too] quick, our lives could change
in just one moment, life can rearrange...
A heart once full, now blank{...} [-]so filled with naught.[..]
[too] {so} quick, our lives could change. I never thought!

This is excellent suggestions for changes, I like 'too quick' much more... Will make these changes as well. Good eye Lori, almost polished, don't ya think... and will be ready to take it's place in our first SQ Chapbook.

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz~

Wow, this is quite a statement...it can be taken many ways. It can be old age and it can be 'old' relationships gone sour. You have crits from more experienced poets/persons so I will just say that I enjoyed it and it has a lot of power. If you revise I look forward to seeing it.

PP

Hey PP,

Sorry I couldn't get to your comments last night, I was looking through sleeping eyes! Thank you for your kind comments. I love the form, it is one treasure Lori has given the world of poetry that I think in time will be recognized as a Poetry Form through out the literary circuits...

Once a proper revision is placed up, I hope to hear your thoughts on interpretation and anything that you feel might need further revision.

Best Wishes, Liz ...

[AMETHYST]

Hey Liz!

It is inded a truth well summed that fearing life takes away from what we want most, to enjoy it. Well summed!

Since Cleo and others have given you some good suggestions, I too will refrain from comment till you post a rewrite.

Just wanted you to know I stopped by...

Dennis!

Hi Dennis,

Thank you for stopping by. I look forward to your thoughts on revision, I should have something posted for further review later this afternoon.

Best Wishes, Liz

[Peterpan]

No problem Liz, if you need to sleep, it is important to let your body rest.
MM can wait...



I will try and think of a title for this poem: A Life Time or A Life In Words or This Is True or Take It Or Leave It

I think it is such a lovely poem.
Your poetic style, as I have said before is exceptional.

Bev

[AMETHYST]

Latest Revisions!

[Guest_Don_*]

Glad to see you added the poet's art to poet's theme. The scheme within form demonstrates more skill.

I see the demon of age coming upon you suddenly as a relationship turned on half-a-dime. A good twist since we normally think of aging imperceptively slow. Of course, the unexpected turn in relationship simply makes us feel suddenly older, which is not actual aging, but emotional aging. Hence, you present at least double paths. Of these, I find the emotional aging predominant, which is more romantic and less trite.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Glad to see you added the poet's art to poet's theme. The scheme within form demonstrates more skill.

I see the demon of age coming upon you suddenly as a relationship turned on half-a-dime. A good twist since we normally think of aging imperceptively slow. Of course, the unexpected turn in relationship simply makes us feel suddenly older, which is not actual aging, but emotional aging. Hence, you present at least double paths. Of these, I find the emotional aging predominant, which is more romantic and less trite.

Don

Hi Don,

Thank you for stopping in. Yes, that is exactly what this is about...how a relationship and the passion of living that is fed by that love and hope that keeps us feeling young and vivacious...when your heart is broken, shattered by disappointment-it feels like you've aged a thousand years...and everything is seen from negative, hopeless eyes...

Thank you for drawning it out in perspective of meaning...I am so glad you stopped in!

Big Hugs, Liz