Mystery is an Answer (Revision) Options

[RC James]

Woman’s sanctified visions
double back on her,
the key of light her song,
sighs form the chorus.

All her children see her
full figure in the morning sky;
questions seek sanctuary
on a path to quietude.

The rewards of evening
are filled with ease.
She follows ocean stars
that shimmer night and day.
She knows you’re willing,
just not standing by.

She’s placed stepping stones
that lead back to her.
The moon mirrors
the sequences she’s discovered.

She brings choices to you,
and another voice on which
to sail your prayers.
Who knows why she sings so softly,
I guess it’s to herself.

Woman is the sacrifice;
motherhood’s journey
lifts redemption up,
and soothes the anxious heart.

Spring water intones the lullaby
her blood is coursing through.



(original)
Woman is the sanctifier,
visions double back on her,
she sings in the key of light,
she’s the chorus of her sighs.

All her children see her
full figure in the morning sky;
any questions seek sanctuary
on her path that leads to quietude.

The rewards of evening
come to her falteringly
but filled with ease.
She goes after ocean stars
that shimmer night and day.
She knows you’re willing,
just not standing by.

She’s placed stepping stones
on her journey; they lead back
to her. The moon mirrors
the sequences she’s discovered.
She’ll bring choices to you,
and another voice on which
to sail your prayers.
Who knows why she sings so softly,
I guess it’s to herself.

Woman is the sacrifice;
motherhood’s journey
lifts redemption up,
and soothes tempestuous skies
within the anxious heart

Spring water intones the lullaby
her blood is coursing through.

[K.S. Lenk]

This is beautiffuly written, adept and experienced.

It lacks some original comparisons and although it promises to unveil the mysteries of women, or womanhood, I doubt anybody ( male or female) will be any the wiser after reading it.

If these are lessons you have learned through your lifetime, I guess I'd like to read about them in a more realistic voice.


You are an incorrigible romantic, Richard :)

Regards,
K

[greenwich]

"Any questions seek sanctuary", nice link in the ultimate help Woman (alluded Mother) can give, a bedrock. I like the spiritual recognition of Mother, her emotional bond and warmth. "A woman of valour" Kiddush prayer comes to mind , her worth more than jewels yet looser Mother Nature allusions rears its head with lines such as"she goes after the ocean stars", "the young women lean into the shadows of lunar warning", which seem to be figurative imagery, rather than integral to the more concrete imagery at the beginning

[RC James]

Krista - Ouch! - Now there is a difference between celebration and information. This was meant to celebrate womanhood, not explain it. Nothing really new to take away, I have not that kind of insight into my better halves.

Greenwich - It's better without that young women sequence, thanks. RC

[Critter]

Just a quick general comment here. The subject matter demands a "fuller" treatment imo and by that I mean less "little" words. Some are necessary but S1 for example contains 12 words of 3 letters or less. Both "she" and "her" are used twice. S2 has 3 hers, etc. I want more soft richness, the little words give too much angularity. jmo, I think the poetry is here, just needs some sculpting.

[RC James]

Critter - I gave it a go, got rid of some of thre shorter words. RC