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Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 26 07, 05:39

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in APRIL.



Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
http://www.ladydorothea125.net/CelticCastleDesigns.html

The details:

• Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of APRIL. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in April as well.
• Post the two examples in this thread.
• Post only the CRITIQUES.
• Make sure your example critiques are from the month of APRIL.
• State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
• Eligible forums:
  Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
  Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through May 13th, 2007.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!

~ Mosaic Musings Staff

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 6 07, 07:33

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 12 07, 06:12

I nominate KATHY for COM in April. Her critiques are excellent, thoughtful and sincere. Kathy always posts with friendliness and knowledge transfer in mind and that is key to our mission here at MM. In addition, she revisits threads once revisions have been made to offer further feedback. Best of luck Kathy and thank you!

I offer the following examples from Herme's Homilies:

Eisa's "Brood Parasites":

Hi Snow, Sorry I didn't comment on this earlier. Your review has improved it, but I can still see some bits that seem a bit crowded to me. Take or leave, of course.

Brood Parasites (1st revision)


When nightingales return to serenade
upon their hedgerow stage, the cuckoo's call
is answered by his mate, as she invades
the nest to lay her eggs inside a wall.

I like to see the hedgerow here, but for me it clutters the metre. 'Hedgerow stage,' especially preceeded by 'their' has hardly any ebb and flow. Perhaps 'leafy' would fit better.

I get confused by 'the cuckoo's call is answered by HIS mate, as she invades... ' The female answers the cuckoo's call. OK. I hear the Nightingale singing nearby, and then the cuckoo, both sexes of which give the game away. Why doesn't the nightingale get wise to them? I may be nit-picking, but if I find that bit a puzzle, I betcha others will too. You have heaps of space because you're not writing a prescribed form; you make the rules, so you can add a line or two if you wish, to seperate the host and parasitic birds.

The entire first stanza is packed with complex language. 'The nest' is suddenly there, inside a wall. It would be good to know that it belongs to the nightingale (it does, doesn't it? Whoops, no, its a robin,) and I would like to see the female bird there, on her nest inside the wall, at least once before the cuckoos arrive.

Her chuckling bubbles when her nestlings prise
the robin's newborn from their crib, then feign
their victim's empty-bellied cries.
Their surrogate so gullible, sustains


Actually, cuckoos don't watch their young at all, and although their call may sound like laughter, it isn't. Only humans and Chimpanzees cry. It makes for some nice fantasy, but I think you want an accurate depiction here, don't you, Snow?

The rhymes are unusual, and I love to see new ones, but actually, they have lead you into trouble, I think. The cuckoo babies don't feign those of their victims; they are genuinely hungry. So far as I know they don't mimic the voices of the host chicks either, so there's no falseness there. (BTW, it is victims' ie plural.)

The last line leads into the next by enjambment, again something I like to see, but the filler jangs me hard:

Their surrogate so gullible, sustains

Sorry to be such a pest. There must be some way you can get around it. A semicolon may do the trick, though I think a caesura will open up the whole poem; give some breathing space.

******* gullible, sustains
the neonatal cheats, with worms and ants
she’s snatched, as gardeners shovel over earth.

beaut wrap around lines. I hope people pay you the respect of shortening 'gardeners' to 'gard'ners.' Again, the relative similarity in stress between 'gard'ners/shovel' makes the metre heavy here. But I love to see 'shovel' because you match it internally! With 'bubble', way up the top.

I also take delight in other assonances, eg ants/snatch, just nearby. Chuckling /bubbles, robin's/newborn/shovel,these/leeches, coo-coo/host. I also like the aliteration here:

cuckoo's call. she's snatched


Departing from their host, these leeches chant
coo coo, perceptibly now twice her girth.

I don't think 'these leeches' helps the poem. We already know the cuckoos are parasites. 'Leeches' not only sounds judgemental, introducing a whole new element, but it brings up another image, that of loopy, slimy leeches. 'The babies' would do it for me.

When breezes cool, they fly to warmer spheres
and flock horizons, speedy in their quest,
returning when magnolia buds appear,
as robins gather moss to build their nests.

It's a lovely closing stanza, except........... sorry, but there IS an 'except, which ruins it for me: what IS 'their quest'? The lines run beautifully and sound great, but my inability to find a quest makes the rhyme just a word put in for the sound o' it.

And 'spheres?' Another globe?

Did you get through all that without feeling put upon? I doubt that I would. That's why I've put off replying for so long.

But I like the poem. It has some beautiful and inspired bits. I think you deserve my honesty. I just hope I wasn't too harsh.

Hugs and best wishes always, Kathy.

QUOTE (Kathy @ Apr 12 07, 03:46 )

QUOTE (Kathy @ Apr 13 07, 06:09 )

QUOTE (Kathy @ Apr 13 07, 10:49 )

QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Apr 13 07, 23:07 )

Thanks Kathy - I am also contemplating a slight change in the L1 repeats... as below, which one seems to offer the pause in the right places better.... ?

To merely exist, sitting, in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist ... sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist sitting in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.

Thanks for the encouragement and support on this one! :)

Hugs, Liz

It's hard to know. But I think the version with the least commas is better: 'To merely exist, sitting in silence...'

Before I opened your thread I was thinking about titles in a vague sort of way, because 'Senescence' seems a bit dry and cold. Your poem is about terminal loneliness; something we all dread. It actually cuts deep, and that gives it its appeal, I think. Dylan Thomas called his famous Villanelle 'Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night' and I think the title is part of the magic, because it came from the poem itself.

I suggest 'Sitting in Silence.' Or 'Counting Down Days.' What do you think? Mmmmm gerund-phobia might go against you. What about 'In Silence.' Something from the poem itself, anyway. Maybe even the entire first line. ???

QUOTE (Kathy @ Apr 15 07, 06:18 )

Posted by: Cathy May 12 07, 19:47

LOL I was just about to nominate Kathy myself but I get here and find that you've already done it! Oh well, here are my examples... one of which you've used! LOL

I would like to nominate Kathy...

First example from Escaping From Tedium in Seren's



First impressions: I like the idea; it made me smile. The baby's crying is used well, linking the whole thing and ultimately giving an excuse for laziness/um repose. That baby is probably the cause of piled-up, postponed tasks, anyway. They do that. Make a person put things off, I mean.

The first stanza tended to put me off, (in another way.) I don't think you need it. Have a look at it. Isn't it just the cue to start you? Isn't it redundant now that you've written the poem? Isn't it similar to thousands of other verses about a dream? What does it really add?


I fly higher... gigantic birds snapping
at my feet, their screeches deafening,
then slowly I drift back to bleak reality,
waking late, to the phone's shrill tone

I'd prefer a start with the baby. How many other poems have you seen that begin like this? Look how fresh it is:

... and baby crying.

My hands race against the clock:
scrubbing caked on baked bean sauce
from last night's dishes, crammed into the sink;
shining hazy windows, before
the sun's blaze spotlights fingerprints.

Hush baby ... don't cry.

Dirty laundry pleads to look pristine,
a tower of ironing teeters, tumbling
over on the mud-printed floor
-- mop's mislaid

... and baby's still crying!

Stop! there's no time for games,
I must iron out the wrinkles
left creased from yesterday.

Oh! ... that baby.

Damn those big baby eyes...
I can't resist your screen any longer

I’ll check messages... the forums ...
... the latest game, 'Pterodactyl Island'

Mmm … Mama loves to play with baby.


Well, maybe change and tighten, but you get wot I mean don't you?


A few suggestions:


... the baby's crying.

{My hands} I race against the clock: (but 'against the clock' is hackneed...you can do better!) I suggested a change re 'hands' simply because of the rhythm, but maybe was too hasty.
scrubbing caked on baked bean sauce it should be caked-on, shouldn't it?
from last night's dishes, crammed into the sink; no comma needed after dishes, and only a comma needed after sink; the following segment has nothing to do with the sink.
shining hazy windows, before take the comma out
the sun's blaze spotlights fingerprints.

Hush baby... don't cry.

Dirty laundry pleads to look pristine,
a tower of ironing teeters, tumbling
over on the mud-printed floor
-- mop's mislaid

I enjoy the rhythm of it,the alliteration, and this 'mud-printed floor'. YES!

… and baby's still crying! Great! Just right. The poem is taking off.

Stop! there's no time for games,
I must iron out the wrinkles
left creased from yesterday. I like the suggestion of a metaphor here.

Oh! … that baby.

Damn those big baby eyes …
I can't resist your screen any longer

I’ll check messages … the forums …
… the latest game, 'Pterodactyl Island'

Mmm … Mama loves to play with baby.

Yep, it goes like a crackerjack, all the way to the end.

Cool.

K

Second example ~ Senescent in Herme's



Interesting, Liz. The special attributes of the Triolet are used to advantage here, especially From here:

.................... In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

I will have to come back after this has settled a while, but the beginning doesn't really sit properly. ie:

To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting.

To merely exist, sitting in silence, counting each day

sounds ok to me, but not:

'until one becomes none' I get what you mean, and maybe I am being too picky. But no-one would say it like that. It has to be 'counting down,' doesn't it?

'There is no defense to merely exist' is not a proper sentence either. No defense to what?

So I have to think.

Pesky things, aren't they!

Posted by: Eisa May 19 07, 09:33

HOORAY! -- I was going to nominate Kathy too (before my computer went down) She has helped me with numerous poems to get them up to scratch -- and other people's work too.

Well done Kathy

Snow

Posted by: Kathy May 19 07, 11:40

Wow.

I was feeling guilty because I didn't get around to doing that big search. It isn't easy! So I came here to see what's happening and.................

I'll let you into a secret. Reading those examples reminded me how much I loved doing it. In fact, its been crit and the bonds that form when people respond positively, that has just about saved me. These are difficult times, you see.

So THANK YOU, Cathy, Snow and Liz for your poems and your companionship. Thank you Cleo for always being helpful and for your Argus eyes.

In fact, thanks everyone.

But thanks for the nominations too. I'm touched.

Posted by: Cathy May 19 07, 16:07

Congratulations Kathy! You deserve it~

Cathy