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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ HAIKU AND SENRYU

Posted by: Psyche Mar 2 09, 09:52

I'm also learning (irregularly), to write short forms. Please feel free to crit only one, these went together, can't strictly remember why....LOL....

Haiku

We gossip, drink tea,
breezy bamboo porch soothes us.
Bees pollinate buds.

Senryu

Coffee-shop chatter,
mauve mouths munch Danish pastries.
Blind tramp passes cap.

Posted by: ohsteve Mar 2 09, 11:21

Sylvia, Nice warm picture this depicts on such a cold March morning, I am glad to see you posting.
Steve

Posted by: ace Apr 5 09, 15:25

Sylvia;

Nice alliteration and imagery in both.

ace

Posted by: Psyche Apr 5 09, 22:59

Thank you, Steve, for stopping in here. I apologize for not answering sooner, don't know how your comment escaped me. I'm glad these lines 'warmed you'. Hope the weather has improved since!

Let's write more Haikus!

Cheers, Syl***

Posted by: Psyche Apr 5 09, 23:10

Thank you, ace. Do you write Haikus? I shall go take a peek.

Best, Syl***

Posted by: Arnfinn Apr 21 09, 00:59

G'day Sylv,

Not too sure about the second poem.

There doesn't seem tobe a reference to nature in your Poem.

Regards,

John

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Apr 21 09, 10:21

Hi Sylv,

Short forms are fun, aren't they? I do believe these poems are called "senryus" because they deal with people. A "senryu" has the same syllable count as a "haiku," but the haiku deals exclusively with nature and also must have a mention of the season involved.

Keep at it!!!!

Peggy

Posted by: Psyche Apr 22 09, 19:28

Oh my, Arnie & Peggy, I just jump in without studying up at all...shame on me!!
Will see what can be done. Maybe call them senryus?!

Thanks for your pointers,
Syl***

Posted by: Psyche Apr 22 09, 19:43

Hi again!

I decided to take the road of least resistence...LOL....

I believe the first one can be a Haiku because 'bees pollinate buds' implies Spring.

And the second one should qualify as a Senryu coz it's about people.

Whatd'ya say?

Still learning....!!! Crits accepted...!

Syl***

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Apr 22 09, 19:54

Hi Syl,

I suggest you do a little research on the two forms when you get a chance. If I'm not mistaken haikus are about nature and not about people. Also, I believe you must name the season you're writing about not just allude to it in a haiku. Senryu are about people and usually show some trait of universal human nature.

Hope this helps.

Peggy

Posted by: Psyche Apr 22 09, 20:02

OK, point taken, Peggy. But I think the second one, the one I believe can be a Senryu, does show a universal trait of human nature, albeit a nasty one. The people drink coffee and 'mauve mouths' (women's, of course) eat away, indifferent to the blind tramp passing his cap. My idea is that their indifference is because he can't see, so why bother about him? I'm sure he can smell the delicious coffee and muffins....poor man.

Will see how I can fix the first one.

Thanks so much for your help, Peggy.

Syl***

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Apr 22 09, 20:27

Hi Syl,

I agree whole heartedly that the second one is a senryu and do think it definitely shows a clear universal trait of human nature! Good job on it imo!

Peggy

Posted by: Arnfinn Apr 23 09, 06:33

Hi,

Just call me. MR CONfusion.

Anyone for a cuppa!

The Snow fell upon

the psyclamen's pale flowers

as we drank green tea

John

Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain May 6 09, 22:16

Sylvia,

I like the second one (the senryu). I think you would like the book Cafe Haiku by Zenbu Nometa with photographs by Jeffrey Goldsmith. The first haiku didn't make it for me though, I've found it a bit too crowded. Perhaps it's just me who's missed the connection.

Mark

Posted by: Psyche May 11 09, 20:23

Mark, I apologise for the delay in answering. Thank you for recommending this book.

Yes, my Haiku needs re-doing. But I've been reading a lot of Haikus recently, and I've found that it's not obligatory to actually mention the name of the season, as Peggy said somewhere in this thread.
Maybe there was/is some strict form of Haiku where that's a pre-requisite, but certainly hardly anybody takes it into account nowadays.

I've read lovely Haikus where you can tell what season it is by the wording, maybe 'grape harvest', or 'swallows nesting', etc.

Will come back asap. Cheers, Syl***

Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain May 14 09, 13:13

Sylvia,

It is indeed the tradition in Japanese haiku to have one line for season or time-of-day reference. However, I have no issue whatsoever with breaking with the tradition here. I recently bought another haiku book, The Essential Haiku, edited by Robert Hass. It contains work by Basho, Buson (my favourite) and Issa. I recommend it highly.

Mark

Posted by: Keith May 15 09, 03:49

Hello Sylvia, really nice examples of both forms, which I enjoyed reading very much, and will be back for more. Keith.