THE NUN'S STORY, ADAPTATION OF A CHALLENGE PIECE FOR CRIT Options

[Cybele]

THE NUN’S STORY


Beyond the gate a tempting glimpse
of verdant pastures and rippling streams,
kept alive the spark of hope that
filled my heart and lit my dreams.

I chose this life while still a child
to serve the Lord with constancy,
but age and illness killed the spark
of faith that once was bright in me.

Just three are left within these walls
and I am bound by vows and duty.
I must remain until I die
so I will turn my back on beauty.

I’ve watched my sisters one by one
slide into illness and to death.
No grave is marked to prove they lived
and served the Lord with every breath.

Locked into silence we make our way
to chapel from refectory,
with painful steps and halting gait
to hear His benedictory.

But in my cell in dead of night
my mind returns to childhood days.
when I was free and bathed in streams,
and wandered through His verdant ways.

(All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work)

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Grace,

I remember reading this poem and it affects me the same way now as it did the first time. It is sooo sad!

A few suggestions... feel free to use or lose. *smiles*
Cathy

Beyond the gate [-] a tempting glimpse
of verdant pastures and rippling streams{,}
kept alive the spark of hope that
filled my heart and lit my[kindled] dreams. To avoid using 'my' twice in one line.

I chose this life while still a child[,]
to serve the Lord with constancy,
but age and illness killed the spark 'Killed' doesn't fit this poem IMO. I'm not sure why... but what about 'snuffed' or something like that? Did you mean to use 'spark' again? Maybe 'flame'?
of faith that once was bright in me. I would use a descriptive word here instead of 'was'. Maybe 'shone' or 'burned' or something like that.

Just three are left within these walls[,]
and I am[all] bound by vows and duty. Since there are three...
I must remain until I die
so I will turn my back on beauty.

I’ve watched my sisters one by one
slide into illness[, then] and to death.
No grave is marked to prove they lived
and served the[ir] Lord with every breath.

Locked into silence we make our way
to chapel from refectory,
with painful steps and halting gait
to hear His benedictory.

But in my cell in dead of night
my mind returns to childhood days{.}
when I was free and[to] bathed in streams{,}
and wandered through His verdant ways.

I'm not very good with punctuation so you might want to get someone else's ideas on that. lol

Beyond the gate - a tempting glimpse
of verdant pastures and rippling streams
kept alive the spark of hope that
filled my heart and kindled dreams.

I chose this life while still a child,
to serve the Lord with constancy,
but age and illness snuffed the flame
of faith that once burned bright in me.

Just three are left within these walls,
all bound by vows and duty.
I must remain until I die
so turn my back on beauty.

I’ve watched my sisters one by one
slide into illness, then to death.
No grave is marked to prove they lived
and served their Lord with every breath.

Locked into silence we make our way
to chapel from refectory,
with painful steps and halting gait
to hear His benedictory.

But in my cell in dead of night,
my mind returns to childhood days
when I was free to bathe in streams
and wander through His verdant ways.

[Cybele]

Hi Cathy,

I have copied your amended version since my poor old eyes can't cope with all those brackets!

Beyond the gate - a tempting glimpse
of verdant pastures and rippling streams
kept alive the spark of hope that
filled my heart and kindled dreams.

L1
Do you know Cathy I think I would like to sneak a pesky comma in there instead of the hyphen. (Evil laughter!)
L4 Hmm Kindled is lovely and you are quite right about the two 'my's.
I think I like

lit my heart and kindled dreams

I chose this life while still a child,
to serve the Lord with constancy,
but age and illness snuffed the flame
of faith that once burned bright in me.

Yes, I like flame as a substitute for the repeated spark (which I hadn't noticed, thank you.) But I prefer killed to snuffed.

Just three are left within these walls,
all bound by vows and duty.
I must remain until I die
so turn my back on beauty.

I don't think she can speak for the other two Cathy. She can only say what she feels is relevant to herself.

I’ve watched my sisters one by one
slide into illness, then to death.
No grave is marked to prove they lived
and served their Lord with every breath.

I prefer the Lord, since 'their' implies possession of the Lord and that would convey the wrong meaning.

Locked into silence we make our way
to chapel from refectory,
with painful steps and halting gait
to hear His benedictory.

But in my cell in dead of night,
my mind returns to childhood days
when I was free to bathe in streams
and wander through His verdant ways.

L2 OOps didn't notice that full stop!
L3 No, no, no, (she says lying on the floor having a temper tantrum. I won't lose another comma, no way Jose!)

Seriously though Cathy, it creates a natural pause between the two thoughts.

Ee lass, you've turned up trumps again. Thank you for you imput my dear, much appreciated.

I'm keeping a worksheet of amendments until I hear from others Cathy.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Grace.

I too remember this from the flash challenge. It was poignant on me then and is still now. It seems that such a sadness overwhelms this chararacter, as if she realizes making her mistake of joining the Nunnery? This makes the poem more poignant, the regrets we see through her thoughts. There are a lot of 'and's in this one Grace but I cannot suggest anything at the moment to replace them with.

Here some thoughts below to ponder.
Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete} (comment)

Beyond the gate[,] a tempting glimpse
of verdant pastures and rippling streams,
kept alive the spark of hope {that} (suggest moving ‘that’ down to next line)
[that] filled my heart and lit my dreams.

I chose this life while still a child
to serve the Lord with constancy{,} [;]
but age and illness killed the spark
of faith that once was bright in me. (an alternate: of faith that was alive in me.)

Just three are left within these walls[,]
and I am bound by vows and duty. (an alternate: tied to bounds of vows and duty.)
I must remain until I die[,]
so {I will} [herewith] turn my back on beauty.

I’ve watched my sisters[‘] one by one
slide into illness[,] {and} to [their] death.
No grave is marked to prove they lived
and served the Lord with every breath.
(A very sad end)

Locked into silence we make our way
(how about: We make our way in sheltered silence (or hush))
to chapel from refectory,
with painful steps and halting gait
to hear His benedictory.

But in my cell in dead of night
my mind returns to childhood days.
[W]hen I was free {and bathed} [to bathe] in streams,
and wandered through His verdant ways.

It would look like this Grace:

Beyond the gate, a tempting glimpse
of verdant pastures and rippling streams,
kept alive the spark of hope
that filled my heart and lit my dreams.

I chose this life while still a child
to serve the Lord with constancy;
but age and illness killed the spark
of faith that was alive in me.

Just three are left within these walls,
tied to bounds of vows and duty.
I must remain until I die,
so herewith turn my back on beauty.

I’ve watched my sisters' one by one
slide into illness, to their death.
No grave is marked to prove they lived
and served the Lord with every breath.

We make our way in sheltered hush
to chapel from refectory,
with painful steps and halting gait
to hear His benedictory.

But in my cell in dead of night
my mind returns to childhood days.
When I was free to bathe in streams,
and wandered through His verdant ways.

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Grace...

I love seeing you in my more familiar territory over here! It's always a joy... since I so miss our interchanges with haiku and tanka and the like, back in Karnak!

Just some thoughts to take or toss... or titilate:

THE NUN’S STORY

Beyond the gate a tempting glimpse
of verdant rolling pastures[,] and rippling streams[;] (,)
[ If this weren't so beautiful, I'd chuckle at suggsting 'rockin' streams' ]
they've kept alive the spark of hope that
that filled my heart and lit my dreams.

I chose this life while still a child
to serve the Lord with constancy,
but age and illness killed damped the flame spark
of faith that once was blazed bright in me.

Just three are left within these walls[,]
and I am bound by vows and duty (.)
[ giving the extra syllable to the next line with enjambement ]
I must to remain until I die[,]
so I will turn my back on beauty.

I’ve watched my sisters one by one
slide into illness, then and to death.
No grave is marked to prove they lived
and served the Lord with every breath.

We're locked into silence[,] we make our way
to chapel from refectory (,)
with painful steps and halting gait
to hear His benedictory.

But in my cell in dead of night
my mind returns to childhood days (.)
when I was free and bathed in streams (,)
and wandered through His verdant ways.

A painful, yet wistful piece. Tenderly and thoughtfully done, Grace!

deLighting in reading you in near-perfect iambic tetrameter, Daniel

[Merlin]

Hello Grace,

Often when I was writing exams featuring multiple choice, there was "none of the above". Dunno if this is the one!

As I haven't read thru all the other comments, I may be repeating or not -
I'm wondering if you could be convinced to dump some of that verdant greenery. I know certain writers who will not use that word, since it's become somewhat cliché or hackneyed. Other descriptives would be well placed, as in the first case - something that compliments the rippling stream, like a rolling pasture. You'd have rip & roll then.

The final verdant relating to Him - He ought not be too green in what He's doing at this point.

All in all, a nice story-poem.

Merlin

[Cybele]

Hi Merlin,

Often when I was writing exams featuring multiple choice, there was "none of the above". Dunno if this is the one!

I have tried very hard, but I am afraid I can't understand this, but maybe that's just me. Could you elucidate for me please Merlin?

As I haven't read thru all the other comments, I may be repeating or not -
I'm wondering if you could be convinced to dump some of that verdant greenery. I know certain writers who will not use that word, since it's become somewhat cliché or hackneyed. Other descriptives would be well placed, as in the first case - something that compliments the rippling stream, like a rolling pasture. You'd have rip & roll then.

Oh, I don't think verdant greenery is that clichéd Merlin, well not over this side of the pond anyway.

The reason for the repetition is because it figured very strongly in her childhood and is now dwelling on her mind as she ages in the convent. The conjured up memory gives her comfort so I feel the duplication is legitimate.

The final verdant relating to Him - He ought not be too green in what He's doing at this point.

???

I really would be interested in understanding what your first and last comments meant Merlin. I really do welcome sound critique.

All in all, a nice story-poem.

Thank you veyr much.

[Merlin]

Sorry Grace -
My off-beat sense of humor has been know to fall flat.
In multiple choice questions/answers, it is common to have A, B, C, or D - none of the above. Nun or the above?

As to the closing comment - one meaning of green is inexperience. A beginner is green on a job. Since you use "He", I felt that such a meaning should be ruled out.

Hope that helps explain.

Merlin

[JustDaniel]

Heavens, Merlin! I see your sense of humor marches along the same avenues as mine... even though I've been trying to stay on the main highways... but alas I have run over a few "Do Not Enter" placards myself!

Lightly distracting in the midst of serious discussion, Daniel

[Cybele]

Hi Merlin,

Sorry Grace -
My off-beat sense of humor has been know to fall flat.
In multiple choice questions/answers, it is common to have A, B, C, or D - none of the above. Nun or the above?

Ah! All is clear. I also have a rather offbeat sense of humour Merlin.

No doubt you know the famous aria "Nessun Dorme" from the opera Turandot? I call it "Lights out in the Convent" because the translation is "None shall sleep." (Well, I think it's funny.)

As to the closing comment - one meaning of green is inexperience. A beginner is green on a job. Since you use "He", I felt that such a meaning should be ruled out.

Hope that helps explain.

Now I undestand where you are coming from I shall doubtless "get it" next time we meet.

Many thanks Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Grace,

G> I have copied your amended version since my poor old eyes can't cope with all those brackets!

Sorry about that! *smiles*


QUOTE
Beyond the gate - a tempting glimpse
of verdant pastures and rippling streams
kept alive the spark of hope that
filled my heart and kindled dreams.


L1
G> Do you know Cathy I think I would like to sneak a pesky comma in there instead of the hyphen. (Evil laughter!)

LOL Control yourself!

G> L4 Hmm Kindled is lovely and you are quite right about the two 'my's.
I think I like

lit my heart and kindled dreams

I like that too!



QUOTE
I chose this life while still a child,
to serve the Lord with constancy,
but age and illness snuffed the flame
of faith that once burned bright in me.


G> Yes, I like flame as a substitute for the repeated spark (which I hadn't noticed, thank you.) But I prefer killed to snuffed.

Then you must leave it.


QUOTE
Just three are left within these walls,
all bound by vows and duty.
I must remain until I die
so turn my back on beauty.


G> I don't think she can speak for the other two Cathy. She can only say what she feels is relevant to herself.

Very true... I guess I was assuming that they all felt as she did and assuming is seldom a good thing! It too often will go awry! lol


QUOTE
I’ve watched my sisters one by one
slide into illness, then to death.
No grave is marked to prove they lived
and served their Lord with every breath.


G> I prefer the Lord, since 'their' implies possession of the Lord and that would convey the wrong meaning.

I see your point.

QUOTE
Locked into silence we make our way
to chapel from refectory,
with painful steps and halting gait
to hear His benedictory.

But in my cell in dead of night,
my mind returns to childhood days
when I was free to bathe in streams
and wander through His verdant ways.



G> L2 OOps didn't notice that full stop!
L3 No, no, no, (she says lying on the floor having a temper tantrum. I won't lose another comma, no way Jose!)

ROFL!!!

G> Seriously though Cathy, it creates a natural pause between the two thoughts.

Ee lass, you've turned up trumps again. Thank you for you imput my dear, much appreciated.

Your welcome! *smiles*

G> I'm keeping a worksheet of amendments until I hear from others Cathy.

Oh heavens... I would too! Don't listen to everything I say... yikes!! LOL I'm anxious to see if and what you do with it. I will be back!

Cathy