This is a book title challenge...

Dawn's Enchantment ~ Revision 2

The secret cache of Castle Cant
unveiled arcane by blood-red moon;
beneath soft starlight candicant,
mystique of sunset swoon.

Moist webs festoon like candyfloss
entrapping whispers in the wood;
wee pixies gather dewy moss
from dragon keeper's hood.

An angel's breath, a sunbeam's tear,
mare's tails unfurling red silk crepe,
one comfort hug from cuddle bear,
let not a drop escape.

Enwrap in warmest ambient
beribboned rainbows - richest hue;
bewitchment breed bedevilment...
creates Aurora's brew.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006

Mare's Tail - a long narrow flowing cirrus cloud



Evening's Enchantment ~ Revision 1

The mysteries of Castle Cant
have been unveiled by blood-red moon;
'neath starlight glowing candicant,
mystique of sunset swoon.

Moist webs festoon like candyfloss
entrapping whispers in the wood;
wee pixies gather dewy moss
from dragon keeper's hood.

Sweet skin of peaches, juice of pear,
a sip or two of tangy grape,
one joyous tear of cuddle bear,
let not one drop escape.

Enwrap in warmest ambient
beribboned rainbows - richest hue;
bewitchment breed bedevilment...
create Aurora's brew.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006



Evening's Enchantment ~ Original

The secret of Castle Cant
'tis spilled by blood-red moon;
'neath starlight glowing candicant,
mystique of sunset swoon.

Moist webs festoon like candyfloss
entrapping whispers in the woods;
wee pixies gather moistened moss,
the dragon keeper broods.

Sweet skin of peaches, juice of pear,
a sip or two of tangy grape,
one joyous tear of cuddle bear,
let not one drop escape.

Enwrap with warmest ambient,
beribboned rainbows richest hue;
a softly stirred bedevilment...
creates Aurora's brew.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006

candicant - glowing white
ambient - completely enveloping

Titles used...

Peaches by Anderson, Jodi Lynn
Red Moon by Anderson, Rachel
Whispers in the Woods by Bartholomew, Mark
The Secret of Castle Cant by Bath, K.P.
Skin by Vrettos, A.M.
Dragon Keeper by Wilkinson, Carole
Candyfloss by Wilson, Jacqueline

Hello Cathy,

The first line threw me entirely and I had to google Castle Cant.

THEN I realised that this was a book title challenge moved to Hermes for crit.

QUOTE

The secret of Castle Cant
'tis spilled by blood-red moon;
'neath starlight glowing candicant,
mystique of sunset swoon.

I have never heard of candicant so I had to google that too. Meaning Growing white (obs)

Is that what you meant. You seem to want a word that reflect glowing white

QUOTE

Moist webs festoon like candyfloss
entrapping whispers in the woods;
wee pixies gather moistened moss,
the dragon keeper broods.

You have used moist and moistened in this stanza.

Perhaps you could overcome that by changing L3 to read

wee pixies gather dewy moss

QUOTE

Sweet skin of peaches, juice of pear,
a sip or two of tangy grape,
one joyous tear of cuddle bear,
let not one drop escape.


Enwrap with warmest ambient,
beribboned rainbows richest hue;
a softly stirred bedevilment...
creates Aurora's brew.

As usual you have conjured up an enchanting image Cathy. Well done!

Good morning Grace!

G> The first line threw me entirely and I had to google Castle Cant.

THEN I realised that this was a book title challenge moved to Hermes for crit.

Oh, I'm sorry! I should have typed that in at the top so everyone would know. My mind has been a tangle lately! lol


QUOTE
The secret of Castle Cant
'tis spilled by blood-red moon;
'neath starlight glowing candicant,
mystique of sunset swoon.


G> I have never heard of candicant so I had to google that too. Meaning Growing white (obs)

Is that what you meant. You seem to want a word that reflect glowing white

Yes, that's the idea. I'd never heard the word either till I looked for words to rhyme with 'cant'.


QUOTE
Moist webs festoon like candyfloss
entrapping whispers in the woods;
wee pixies gather moistened moss,
the dragon keeper broods.


G> You have used moist and moistened in this stanza.

Oooops!

G> Perhaps you could overcome that by changing L3 to read

wee pixies gather dewy moss

Hmmm... that would work. I was going for the alliteration though so I might change the first line instead.



QUOTE
Sweet skin of peaches, juice of pear,
a sip or two of tangy grape,
one joyous tear of cuddle bear,
let not one drop escape.


Enwrap with warmest ambient,
beribboned rainbows richest hue;
a softly stirred bedevilment...
creates Aurora's brew.



G> As usual you have conjured up an enchanting image Cathy. Well done!

Thank you Grace! I'm glad you enjoyed it! *smiles*

Cathy

Cathy, wonderful use of the book titles, and thanks for the explaination or words so I didnt have to go google them....lol. Very well done.
Steve

Thank you Steve! *smiles*

Since you no longer have to stick with the titles, crit of course can ignore their inspiration and offer change-ideas, right?

I've already joined the others in applauding your creativity in this. It is a very refreshing story. I'll see now if I can play with it a bit, as you've given me permission to do:


appreciating your permissing to play and daub Lightly as I learn with y'all, Daniel

Hi Cathy,

This is an interesting challenge by the looks of things.
You mention "iambic" beneath the title - it's a bit ruff in places. One of my things has been to start things off right, just to set the meter, and then you're free to jank the carpet on the reader. I believe it is important to have that beginning in place.

Your line could easily be fixed by inserting the likes of:
The secret room of Castle Cant
The secret held in Castle Cant,
provided this does not affect the title - I didn't go to check. By adding that one strong syllable, your meter is considerably smoother.

There's been a bookshelf of good suggestions, so I'll leave it at that. I enjoyed this sort of responce to a challenge.

Merlin

Hi Cathy,

Soprry, I think we were at cross purposes.

You quote

QUOTE

candicant - glowing white

when it actually means growing white

Hey, Grace an' Cat...

I'm not sure you two are ever at cross-purposes, but Cat surely at least has a typo there. I've got a sneakin' feelin' she had the word 'glowing' from S1 stuck hard in 'er mind whilst she was typin' the footnote!

... and I think that (with a comma) the idea of

'neath starlight glowing[,] candicant [growing white - translated]]

is a beautiful picture, don't you?

deLightin' in the workshoppin', Daniel

Hi Daniel,


Yeppers! lol


Thank you!

I'll see now if I can play with it a bit, as you've given me permission to do:


QUOTE(Cathy @ Aug 19 06, 20:45 )
Evening's Enchantment

The A secret of spills from Castle Cant[;]
'tis spilled sung by blood-red moon( ; )
'neath starlight glowing[,] candicant,
mystique of sunset swoon.

I like the direction you've taken here. That first line was a killer when it comes to iambic meter. lol

[ I love what you've done with an unfamiliar word, Cat. I think it fits wonderfully. I don't think readers mind looking up one word in a poem. It's only when one has to look up a half dozen or so that it may ruffle the reader. ]

Thanks! And I added definitions at the bottom... *smiles*

Moist webs festoon like candyfloss [ I love the picture of 'moist webs' !] Thank you!
entrapping whispers in the woods;
wee pixies gather moist dampened moss[;] (,) Another good suggestion... choices and decisions to make... oh my!
the dragon keeper broods.

Sweet skin of peaches, juice of pear,
a sip or two of tangy grape,
one joyous tear of cuddle bear[...] (,)
let not one drop escape.

Enwrap with warmest ardent ambience t, I like this...
beribboned rainbows['] [or before the s, if singular ?] richest hue;
a softly stirred bedevilment... [ becoming a slant rhyme ? ]
creates Aurora's brew.

appreciating your permissing to play and daub Lightly as I learn with y'all, Daniel Not a problem! lol Thanks for your input. I will most certainly be incorporating some of it.

Cat

Hi Merlin,

Good to see you!


Yes, I know. Especially with line one. Now that I've completed the challenge I can play with it a bit. lol


It differs from the title listed but I'm not concerned with sticking with it. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't but the challenges are a great jumping off point!


Yes, I've gotten some great advice. Now... to decide where to go with it. lol I'm glad you enjoyed it and thanks so much for offering your input.

Cathy

Hi Grace,


I knew that! ROFL Blame it on typo!! I thought it fit because there are some nights I watch the stars and they seem to 'grow' brighter as the night gets later.

Thanks for catching that!
Cathy

Hey Daniel!


LOL Well, I'm not sure what I was thinking but it certainly was a typo.


Thank you! That's what I was just explaining to Grace. I can sit outside at night, watching the stars and they just seem to grow brighter as the night wears on. Maybe it's just my imagination but... that's what I see. *smiles*

Cat

Hi Cathy.

What a wonderful, mystical response to the book title challenge! Sorry it took me so long to read this, as I enjoyed every word!

There's only a few lines I have made suggestions to below for you to ponder, please take or toss as you wish. Asalways, this is another awesome addition to the fantasical Cathy collection for me to admire.

Cheers
~Cleo


Moist webs festoon like candyfloss
entrapping whispers in the wood{s};
wee pixies gather moistened moss{,}
{the} [where] dragon keeper {broods} [stood].

I suggest ‘wet’ instead of ‘moist’ in L1 since ‘moistened is used in L3. Suggest replacing ‘the' in L4 with a descriptive like ‘stark’. Since the rest of the poem is done with perfect rhymes, I suggest replacing woods or broods to keep the rhyme scheme. Maybe ‘where dragon keeper stood’?

Sweet skin of peaches, juice of pear,
a sip or two of tangy grape{,}[;]
one joyous tear of cuddle bear,
let not one drop escape.

Enwrap with warmest ambient,
beribboned rainbows richest hue;
a softly stirred bedevilment...
creates Aurora's brew.

I'm not certain if 'softly' fits in the image of a stirred bedevilment? Suggest a swap to 'richly', 'spicy'.

Good idea to replace 'softly'. 'Spicy' is good! Thanks for dropping in and adding your input. I need to get back to this one soon! *smiles*

Cathy

Hi Cathy,

Enchanting evening's are painting a lovely forum board. I am not sure if it is the Love of Autumn we share or the smell of wonder in the air or the coming of Halloween and Thanksgiving at our door! But regardless, if it brings us wonderful poetry such as this... I am so impressed with the beauty of this...

I enjoyed it very much and will be reading this from time to time for inspiration...

Before I offer actual critique I was wondering if you are following a set syllable count... S1: 7/6/8/6 S2: 8/8/8/6 S3: 8/8/8/6 ..

Personally I like the 8/8/8/6

let me know if there is any need to be concerned with line lengths....if so I have some suggestions ... if not, I have other thoughts...



Hugs, Liz

for revision!

Thanks Cathy,

Yes I like the 8/8/8/6 too, mainly because it gives steps things up like a waltz... I am off to offer suggestions!

Hugs, Liz

Hi again,

Something came up last night at home and I am back this morning! :)

Let me go straight to it! lol

Hugs, Liz