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Cybele
Posted on: Sep 20 06, 02:13


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Good Morning Gregory, sun.gif


Nice to meet you here.

QUOTE
i was inspired to write this in whatever word pattern that came out,


Firstly I read the crits as far as this statement and then decided to wade in without being influenced by the experts on form here. I am not such a one unfortunately.
This reflects my feelings entirely. I find it extremely difficult to adhere strictly to form. Words come and need to be written down. I don’t choose the form, it just happens. I do try to pay attention to soft rhymes and most importantly meter, but that is where my observance of strict form ends.

I like your poem (sonnet or not) very much indeed! I like the language you have chosen to use to set the mood of the poem. It certainly reflects the language of the times for the most part.

I live in Somerset and have climbed Roche Rock, considered to be the site of the hermit Ogrin’s chapel where Tristan and Isolte were said to meet in secret trysts.

A couple of thoughts for you to consider ~ or not as the case may be LOL.gif

QUOTE
Why had not I the courage to caress
More full than lay my eyes on her sad dress
And so she struck the strings of my guitar
Music made for salt but not for bitter


I feel your opening line showing his regret, might also reflect the anger he would feel at his timidity. I might suggest something like..

Great Gods! Had I but courage to caress

L2 More fully than with eyes on her sad dress
L3 When first she struck the strings of my guitar


I love the last line, which I take to mean to induce tears of joy rather than sadness?

And under Everest's peak in stillness crouched
Too awed to move, my spirit slouched
This love too great, too grand, to be fulfilled
My heart, our soul and sex, forever stilled

L1 I don’t get the reference to Everest here Gregory. Perhaps you might consider introducing Ogrin here?


So under Ogrin’s peak in stillness crouched


L2 Needs another two syllables I feel. Maybe

Too awed to move, my trepid spirit slouched

L4 Not being prudish but I feel the word sex has no place in this very romantic poem Gregory. You could convey the same ardour with..

My heart, my soul and needs forever stilled

QUOTE
Should not Tristan’s hand find Isolte’s ripe thigh
Though mountain peaks play handsome with the sky?



L1 Would ne’er my hand lay soft on her sweet thigh
L2 As mountain peaks will stroke a golden sky?


Very much enjoyed, and the romantic element flowed freely for me.




Excuse the aside please Gregory

Hi Arnie,

You have quoted a poem very dear to my heart. When I was young I was all legs, teeth and freckles (Which I hated vehemently). My mother used to quote Pied Beauty to me to bolster my confidence. It didn’t work then but I have come to accept it. LOL.gif


Pied Beauty.

Glory be to God for dappled things-
For skies a couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches' wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced - fold, fallow, and plough;
And all trades, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, stranger;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim:
Her fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise him.

And she used to add

And fair- faced freckled damsels.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83721 · Replies: 32 · Views: 7,326

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 20 06, 01:15


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Good Morning Daniel, sun.gif

QUOTE
Simply a beautiful, well-thought-through reflection, Grace -- in both senses of the word


Thank you Daniel. I consider that praise indeed from an expert of form. blush21.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83720 · Replies: 21 · Views: 5,994

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 19 06, 08:14


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Hi Arniiiiiiiiiiieee, hsdance.gif




QUOTE
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh Grace

Ya new picture,

Is that ya bath water irrigating ya vegie patch.


Nah, that's me new swimmin' pool in the back garden Arn, like it?

It's actually the Isle of Seil on the west coast of Scotland. That's not a river but the Atlantic ocean that separates the Island from the mainland.

QUOTE
Me picture's, down the road from me outlook to the northern escarpment.


I gathered that John from the lovely pitchers you sent me. Looks like there might be a poem in there somewhere cobber?

QUOTE
Yeah, Yeah, I know I broke the rules Deduct from whatever, but ya gotta strike when the irons hot
.

Well, I think Lori will forgive you ~ just this once Arn. (ya can get up off ya knees now ~ yer've grovelled enough.)

Gotta hop it now mate. See yer later me best ozzie mate.

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  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83680 · Replies: 21 · Views: 5,994

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 19 06, 02:31


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Good morning Cathy, sun.gif

QUOTE
If you will notice you haven't used the exact punctuation in both verses so why worry about the elipsis? Not to mention the fact that as you said it would add to the feeling of aimless searching. I think they would work well on line 6.


Yes, I see but I think this is one form where mirroring the punctuation is unnecessary, just the placement of the words.

I have put in the ellipses and I think it works perfectly. Thank you very much for the thought Cathy!





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  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83675 · Replies: 21 · Views: 5,994

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 18 06, 03:20


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G'day Cobber, hsdance.gif

G'donya, delighted to hear yer feelin' better. I expect your looking forward to summer now? sun.gif

Nights are beginning to draw in here and while the days are still sunny the evenings are definitely getting chillier!



Thanks fer the elucidation of the form there cobber, an' I am chuffed to little mint balls (as we say over where the world is right side up!) that I got it right! Fair dinkum.

Right, gotta hop off now Arnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie.. See ya me best ozzie mate.



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  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83608 · Replies: 21 · Views: 5,994

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 18 06, 02:42


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Hi Cathy, cheer.gif

QUOTE
What a beautiful poem! This is a new form for me


Me too Cathy but I really enjoyed writing it. Will definitely have another go! cloud9.gif

QUOTE
A never-ending search for... something, anything? Answers, happiness, knowledge, money, love....


Indeed, whatever the reader chooses it to be. detective.gif

I Like your semi colon on line ! and have altered it.

As to the ellipses on line five, because this is a mirror image I would have to repeat them on L6.

One second thoughts perhaps that would add to the feeling of aimless searching. What do you think Cathy?

Ponder. Ponder.


  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83606 · Replies: 21 · Views: 5,994

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 18 06, 02:17


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Hello Liz, lovie.gif

Many thanks for your kind words. I am so glad everyone was able to envisage this beautiful spot where I spent so many happy hours. cloud9.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83605 · Replies: 43 · Views: 10,566

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 17 06, 16:03


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Hello Snow,Snowflake.gif

Good to see you again. cloud9.gif Thank you for your kind remarks.
I hope to be around a little more now. (Have just finished a chapbook I have been working on to raise funds for Brain injured Children.. at the printers now.) hsdance.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83558 · Replies: 43 · Views: 10,566

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 17 06, 11:23


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Hello Gregory, wave.gif

Nice to meet you.

QUOTE
Grace, this was fun and interesting. In terms of its message, a little light weight, but clever nevertheless. Must try a few palindromes, serve better than a saduko.


Ye, I agree this is a little lightweight, but it is a very first attempt at the form. Hope I will do better in time.

I am useless at form poems normally (except haiku) but this is one I feel I could tackle.

As to Saduko ~ give me words any day! LOL.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83521 · Replies: 21 · Views: 5,994

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 17 06, 11:19


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Hello Lori,

I apologise for not finishing my reply to your crit, but I hade to take my son to the station to catch his train.

QUOTE
I think this would look good centered too IMHO.



I agree Lori. Consider it done.

QUOTE
Infinity,
beyond reaching, (suggest 'reach', instead of 'reaching')
yearning and searching
constellations, galaxies, unnamed stars.
Lost forever. Where, oh where? (suggest 'adrift' instead of 'lost')

Where, oh where? Forever lost. (suggest 'adrift' instead of 'lost')
Stars unnamed, galaxies, constellations. (remove endstop)
Searching and yearning,
reaching beyond (suggest 'reach', instead of 'reaching')
Infinity (add endstop please)


I particular wanted to use the 'ing' words to make this @of the moment' Lori.

I think I will keep 'lost' since it indicates that no matter what I do, I cannot find that which I seek. 'adrift' would indicate that it is floating around loose in the firmament and is still attainable.

As to the full stop. YES MA'AM. Thank you ma'am. LOL.gif

Certainly you can add the format to Karnak Lori.

Thank you so much for your input.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83520 · Replies: 21 · Views: 5,994

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 17 06, 11:07


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G'day ta me Best Pommie Mucker,

'Ow's she goin' Arn? I hope yer health's better cobber, don't like ta think of yer as crook. Speechless.gif


QUOTE
Why have ya gat at duck egg n' front of it.


Are you referring to my lovely peony Sir? LOL.gif

QUOTE
Cause, I think this poem sgood. (feelin hungry) Half a mo while I go n' get some Sao's with marg n' Vegimite.

Oh, ya still here Grace.


Don't mind me Arn, when ya gotta eat, ya gotta eat. chef.gif

QUOTE
I can't point out any mistakes, cause there isn't any


'Cor thanks Arn, much appreciated.

Now you just muster yer strength and get fit again mate.

Love to Pam an' Lily. rose.gif rose.gif wave.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83516 · Replies: 21 · Views: 5,994

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 17 06, 08:50


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Hi Lori,

No this is not a Palindrome but a palindrome poem. An explanation follows.

Palindrome Poetry

Also Known as Mirrored Poetry

A palindrome, by definition, is a word, phrase, verse, sentence, or even poem that reads the same forward or backward.

It stems from the Greek word palindromos: palin, meaning again, and
dromos, meaning a running. Combining the two together, the Greek meaning gives us, running back again...

Shown below are examples of the word-unit palindrome.
The carefully placed words form the same sentence, whether it is read forward or backward.
For example, 'Mirrored images reflect images
mirrored' which includes a word in the center as a reversal point for the sentence or even the poem.


Example

Reflections by Lynee Fadden

Life-
imitates nature,
always moving, traveling continuously.
Falling leaves placed delicately;
foliage touching the echoing waters,
clarity removed -
Reflections distorted through waves rippling;
gracefully dancing
mirrored images
- reflect -
images mirrored.
Dancing gracefully,
rippling waves through distorted reflections -
removed clarity.
Waters echoing the touching foliage;
delicately placed leaves falling -
continuously traveling, moving always,
nature imitates
life
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83499 · Replies: 21 · Views: 5,994

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 16 06, 16:42


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ETERNAL QUEST

Infinity;
beyond reaching,
yearning and searching
constellations, galaxies, unnamed stars...
Lost forever. Where, oh where?

Where, oh where? Forever lost.
stars unnamed, galaxies, constellations...
searching and yearning,
reaching beyond
Infinity.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83438 · Replies: 21 · Views: 5,994

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 16 06, 16:33


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Dear Lori, Cathy and Ren,

Wow, another Wizard! How wonderful.Many thanks for your kind words and congratulations. Much appreciated.
cheer.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83436 · Replies: 43 · Views: 10,566

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 13 06, 13:08


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Thank you very much Cathy!
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83168 · Replies: 43 · Views: 10,566

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 13 06, 08:07


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Hi Daniel,

Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it. hsdance.gif

QUOTE
P.S. I'm wondering how one can be sick with giddiness?!


I had a virus infection of the ears Daniel that affected my sense of balance causing giddiness, and the giddiness made me feel rather nauseous. medusa.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83157 · Replies: 43 · Views: 10,566

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 13 06, 06:08


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Hi Mysty, wave.gif


Delighted to meet you.

I am glad you enjoyed this. It is one in a series of Postcard poems. I try to write one from every place I visit. writersblock.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83152 · Replies: 43 · Views: 10,566

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 13 06, 02:52


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Hello Lori, Cyn, Eisa, Rene, Tim and Bev,

wave.gif wave.gif wave.gif wave.gif wave.gif wave.gif

I have to apologise once again fro my absence. I have been unwell for a while suffering from giddiness which isn't helped by looking at a PC screen.

Better now though and about for a few days before I dash off on my travels around England again.

Many thanks to you all for your lovely remarks and your very kind congratulations.

This is really a lovely surprise. sings.gif cheer.gif cloud9.gif Speechless.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #83143 · Replies: 43 · Views: 10,566

Cybele
Posted on: Sep 7 06, 07:15


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Hi dear friend Sylv, cheer.gif

Congratulations!! Very well deserved. cloud9.gif

rose.gif rose.gif rose.gif rose.gif rose.gif rose.gif rose.gif rose.gif

Sorry I'm late. Been trying to finish off the last stories for my chapbook.
58 down and 2 to go!
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #82717 · Replies: 44 · Views: 14,703

Cybele
Posted on: Aug 22 06, 10:10


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Hi Sylvia,



QUOTE
Now please give us a rest, Grace, we can't go on congratulating you all week!


Ok I know when I’m beaten. You don’t have to hit me over the head with a wet cabbage leaf.




Nobody loves me
Everybody hates me
Think I’ll go
And eat worms.


  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Chapbook Competitions · Post Preview: #81691 · Replies: 13 · Views: 5,855

Cybele
Posted on: Aug 22 06, 03:03


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Good morning Nina, cheer.gif

I haven’t had time to venture into all the challenges lately so I come to this as a fresh poem and not an adaptation, (which is probably the best way to view it IMHO.)


Dog-Days

I take it that this was one of the set phrases? How very appropriate it is to this poem Nina, as they are long summer days when nothing much happens! It sets the tone to the serenity you are recapturing in the poem.

Walking country lanes,
with Nightcap, my dog –
days bleed into tomorrow.



Clever split of the hyphenated word to give it an entirely different meaning.


With each hill climbed;
each valley descended,
stains of harrowing memories fade,
bleached by fresh experiences.


L4 I feel the word ‘fresh’ is not quite right Nina, maybe replace with something like calmer/gladder/happier ~ something to counter-balance harrowing maybe?

No longer do I dream of
evil cloaked in glittering respectability
nor a snake-headed charmer
raping my soul.



L4 maybe possessing instead of raping. Seems a little more appropriate to the tone of the poem.

I step onwards into contentment.

I ‘move onwards’ or ‘I step forwards’ ?

The whole tone delights me. Nina in a cheerful mood! cheer.gif

(Pleased to hear the dog is called Nightcap and not Nightmare!)


  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #81678 · Replies: 14 · Views: 2,944

Cybele
Posted on: Aug 22 06, 02:29


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Hi Sylv,

QUOTE
Wow, a great grandmother !!!


Yes! That's what comes of having precocious children! Speechless.gif

The day ended with me being notified that I had won a whole $10.00 in a Haiku contest online. cheer.gif

If I go on at this rate , you'll be able some day to say. "I knew her when she was Nobody!" LOL.gif


  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Chapbook Competitions · Post Preview: #81677 · Replies: 13 · Views: 5,855

Cybele
Posted on: Aug 21 06, 01:32


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Hi Merlin,

QUOTE
Sorry Grace -
My off-beat sense of humor has been know to fall flat.
In multiple choice questions/answers, it is common to have A, B, C, or D - none of the above. Nun or the above?


Ah! All is clear. I also have a rather offbeat sense of humour Merlin.

No doubt you know the famous aria "Nessun Dorme" from the opera Turandot? I call it "Lights out in the Convent" because the translation is "None shall sleep." LOL.gif (Well, I think it's funny.) Speechless.gif

QUOTE
As to the closing comment - one meaning of green is inexperience. A beginner is green on a job. Since you use "He", I felt that such a meaning should be ruled out.

Hope that helps explain.


Now I undestand where you are coming from I shall doubtless "get it" next time we meet. rofl.gif

Many thanks Merlin dance.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #81605 · Replies: 10 · Views: 2,545

Cybele
Posted on: Aug 20 06, 17:43


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Hi Cathy,

Soprry, I think we were at cross purposes.

You quote

QUOTE
candicant - glowing white


when it actually means growing white
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #81560 · Replies: 30 · Views: 8,931

Cybele
Posted on: Aug 20 06, 17:38


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From: Somerset, England
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Hi Merlin,

QUOTE
Often when I was writing exams featuring multiple choice, there was "none of the above". Dunno if this is the one!


I have tried very hard, but I am afraid I can't understand this, but maybe that's just me. Could you elucidate for me please Merlin? detective.gif

QUOTE
As I haven't read thru all the other comments, I may be repeating or not -
I'm wondering if you could be convinced to dump some of that verdant greenery. I know certain writers who will not use that word, since it's become somewhat cliché or hackneyed. Other descriptives would be well placed, as in the first case - something that compliments the rippling stream, like a rolling pasture. You'd have rip & roll then.


Oh, I don't think verdant greenery is that clichéd Merlin, well not over this side of the pond anyway. LOL.gif

The reason for the repetition is because it figured very strongly in her childhood and is now dwelling on her mind as she ages in the convent. The conjured up memory gives her comfort so I feel the duplication is legitimate.

QUOTE
The final verdant relating to Him - He ought not be too green in what He's doing at this point.


???

I really would be interested in understanding what your first and last comments meant Merlin. I really do welcome sound critique. thumbsup.gif


QUOTE
All in all, a nice story-poem.


Thank you veyr much.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #81558 · Replies: 10 · Views: 2,545

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