QUOTE (Eisa @ Aug 11 17, 15:04 )
I am presuming that you painted the beautiful portrait? You are so talented!
On first read I can see nothing much to nit-pick in your lovely poem, which is a great match to the picture..
Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse
against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine,
would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy
By daylight, when you are awake, I must
attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know
that once again my skills shall fail me.
Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve
such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed Perhaps 'still' could be deleted for conciseness?
to do you justice. Paint those parting lips?
Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes—
eyes that enhance your features, like the stars
that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.
I found the ending a little abrupt (but not in a bad way) Perhaps change to 'A pity you are asleep'
Take or toss, Ali - that might just be me. A beautiful poem & picture. I enjoyed.
I like your suggestion "A pity . . . ."
For me, creating a perfect ending is about as difficult as adding the final touch to a painting--which in this case was my signature. I took a photo of my old painting before even adding my signature to it. Yes, it's mine, only one of several. It is of sentimental value to me. Thank you for reading my poem and your suggestion.