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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Oct 24 16, 15:43
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#1
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 Assyrian  Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy  |
I must be weather tight,
whilst under my loved ones thumb, loathing her gecko inspired wall paper. The strain is endless. All i make are papier mache viaducts, surely some ingenuity is needed. People say I am audacious remembering my birthday. But I live a jaded world. My cup is half empty. All I hope for is a well earned rest to Cambridge, floating on a punt along the River Ely. But I must be someones supporting partner. These straits makes me uncomfortable but it stops me sink. I have almost lost the sense of reinvention. ·······  ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Oct 27 16, 01:50
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,869 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Oops, Antony! This is a sad poem, expressing a person's jaded vision of modern day life. And trying to cope with a loved one's capricious demands or bad taste.
I like geckos, but not on my wallpaper! Just a couple of nits to TorT. QUOTE (greenwich @ Oct 24 16, 17:43 )  I must be weather tight, <<<<<<< Love this first line! whilst under my loved ones thumb,<<<<<< I believe it's "one's thumb" (possessive) loathing her gecko inspired wall paper. <<<<<< made me laugh! The strain is endless. All i make are papier mache viaducts, surely some ingenuity is needed. People say I am audacious remembering my birthday.<<<<< Is it audacious nowadays?! Getting old... But I live a jaded world. My cup is half empty. <<<<<<OMG, Antony, that's not good! All I hope for is a well earned rest to Cambridge, floating on a punt along the River Ely.<<<<<< Me too! But I must be someones supporting partner.<<<<<< "someone's" (possessive) These straits makes me uncomfortable <<<<< Not sure what you mean here. Maybe "traits" ? but it stops me sink.<<<<<< "they stop me sink" (pluralise) I have almost lost the sense of reinvention.<<<<<< True, well expressed plaintive desire. I like it. Good one, IMO, Antony. I hope these are not personal troubles.  Best, Syl  ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
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Oct 27 16, 05:34
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#3
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Assyrian Posts: 256 Joined: 2-November 15 From: Croydon, Surrey Member No.: 5,284 Real Name: Antony Glaser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Eira Rhaposdy |
Thank you for the review. They are not personal experiences but a realisation late marriage may be all sorts of trouble. Two strong battleships veering to the rocks
Straits as in dire straits. ······· ·······Imagination fires the soul, resolution the longing.
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Oct 30 16, 20:08
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#4
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,869 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
OK, gotcha, Antony. But nonetheless the grammar needs fixing. Like this:
"These straits make me uncomfortable but they stop me sink." I've only changed the pluralisation. I'm not sure the second line works well for me. I know what you mean... "but they stop me from sinking"... perhaps there's a better way to express that, but I can't offer suggestions right now. Still, I like this poem! So true. These straits makes me uncomfortable but it stops me sink. Syl QUOTE (greenwich @ Oct 27 16, 07:34 ) Thank you for the review. They are not personal experiences but a realisation late marriage may be all sorts of trouble. Two strong battleships veering to the rocks Straits as in dire straits. ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Nov 8 16, 09:22
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#5
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 Assyrian Posts: 250 Joined: 1-November 15 Member No.: 5,282 Real Name: richard chase Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Rhapsody |
greenwich - This put me in mind of Leopold Blooms mental meanderings in Ulysses, I think you and Joyce are sympatico. I kinda like the fact I don't know what the hell you're talking about in places, I like the swim of it. Was going to mention grammar problems toward the end but that's been done. R
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Dec 7 16, 17:48
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#6
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 Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Antony,
I like this! It's rather sad though. I haven't read your other comments so I hope I'm not being repetitive, I must be weather tight, whilst under my loved ones thumb, loathing her gecko inspired wall paper. I had to smile at this as I have geckos as pets - no wallpaper though The strain is endless. All [i] I make are papier mache viaducts, Cap for I surely some ingenuity is needed. People say I am audacious remembering my birthday. But I live a jaded world. My cup is half empty. All I hope for is a well earned rest to Cambridge, floating on a punt along the River Ely. But I must be someones supporting partner. someone's needs an apostrophe These straits makes me uncomfortable but it stops me sinking. I have almost lost the sense of reinvention. Hope something helps! Eira ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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Dec 13 16, 14:58
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#7
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Nomad Posts: 12 Joined: 12-January 16 Member No.: 5,299 Real Name: Michael Trotta Writer of: Poetry |
greenwich,
I'll start from the bottom up. "I have almost lost the sense of reinvention" - wow. Dire indeed. Seriously, it is the only thing that will always save you. I'd lose the half empty cup and jaded world. That is about 3.5 billion other people too. "floating on a punt along the River Ely." Aside from the last line, this is my favorite. "papier mache viaducts" - well this may also be my favorite...... mt |
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