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Posted by: Psyche Sep 19 06, 12:41

Thank you, everyone, for your invaluable assistance and ideas!!
The change is rather big, so I'm open to more crits!!!


REVISION


LAST LETTER

A groom unnerved,
wondering whether his bride will show up
at church…

expectant Dad pacing corridors,
waiting for Baby
to be born…

committing a murder,
accepting God’s salvation of his soul
is improbable…

a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night terror…

in Death Row,
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve of execution…

Unforgiving,
time has revealed certainty:
I know you’ve penned me
…your last letter.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006.



THE LETTER

It’s like
a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church.

It’s like
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution.

It’s like
committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul.

It’s like
striding up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born.

It’s like
a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors.

It’s the love letter
you’ll never send me…

By Psyche

Copyright:Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006.

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Sep 19 06, 14:13

Hi Psyche,

I'm not good at critiquing free verse poetry, but I do want to say that I really like this poem! You let me know how you feel clearly, and I feel with you. Good job IMO!

Peggy

Posted by: Cyn Sep 19 06, 16:39

Ah Sylvia
Such a feeling write

I love the sentiment of it.

I do have some suggestions as I am not overly fond of your first line in each strophe, but love the images within them


Like a groom
sweating
before his bride shows up
at church,

like anticipation
of the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution,

like committing a wrong,
praying
for God’s salvation
of your soul,

like striding
up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born,

like a grown man’s
hope that dawn
will dispel
night’s terrors

is the love letter
you’ll never send me…

Posted by: Psyche Sep 19 06, 17:12

All the more reason for me to feel happy that you dropped by to express your opinion!

Thank you,
Sylvia

Posted by: Psyche Sep 19 06, 17:16

Hi Cyn !
You know, thanks to your suggestion, I think I've got an even better solution...haha...

I think I'll remove all the "likes" and then just use the last lines to express the comparison. Shan't do it right now, as I have to go to gym, but I just wanted to thank you for dropping in and jolting me out of my poetic inertia. Fancy using so many "likes"... shame on me!!!

Will be back,
hugs, Sylvia

Posted by: Cathy Sep 19 06, 18:45

Hi Sylvia!

Cyn's suggestions for the first line of each stanza is a good one. IMO the repeat is too much. But I think I would leave 'Like' in line one of the first verse and use an elipsis maybe at the end of each stanza to show continuation of the comparison? Just my two cents worth... LOL Use or lose as always!

Cathy

It’s Like
a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church[...]

It’s like
anticipati[on]ng[of] the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution[...]

It’s like
committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul[...]

It’s like
striding up and down, Maybe 'pacing' instead of 'striding'. I think that's what most do... *smiles*
waiting for a baby
to be born[...]

It’s like
a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors[...]

It’s[is] the love letter
you’ll never send me…

Like a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church...

anticipation
of the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution...

committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul...

pacing up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born...

a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors...

is the love letter
you’ll never send me…

Posted by: Gregory Sep 20 06, 05:09

Sylvia, I agree with your previous posts about the repeats and how they can be modified. I would go one step further with the last two lines

"is the letter
you will never send me" . Dropping 'love' seems to strengthen the message. I'm usually an advocate of using 'love' in a poem, but not here. Cheers, Gregory.

Posted by: azurepoetry Sep 20 06, 09:43

Hi Sylvia,

i love Cathy's trimming of your piece. i think it's universal that the first line could use some cutting. Gregory is also spot-on about dropping love out of it to let the 'suggestion' come through. i would go one step farther. Consider moving your current S4 (about pacing for a baby) into the position of S2. This would allow the images that have been strengthened in their link, through Cathy, to follow a timeline of events. 1. aniticapation of marriage, 2. anticiapation of child birth, 3. anticipating salvation 4.night terrors, 5. anticipation of reprieve, 6. waiting for letter.
Salvation goes straight into the (love) letter. It would read like this, keep in mind i think night's terror should be night terror (it would still allude to prison, but the actual phrase indicative of mental disorder/illiness is night terror.

Like a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church...

pacing up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born...

committing a wrong,
praying for God's salvation
of a soul...

a grown man's hope
that dawn will dispel
night terrors...

anticipation
of the governor's reprieve
on the eve...

of executing
a letter
you'll never send me...

This may be a bit too corny. i went for unifying three lines in each stanza. i also liked the idea of the guy looking forward to seeing the dawn, and then given the idea of being on deathrow to add meaning to the previous stanza. This set up allows the assonance, reprieve, eve and me. This is jmo, so please use or lose.

~tim/azurepoetry

Posted by: Psyche Sep 20 06, 14:25

Hi Cathy!

Wonderful suggestions, thank you! I shall have to see what I do with this poem full of "likes". I like your version very much indeed. Will read other people's comments before revising.

Hugs, Sylvia

[font=Arial]

Posted by: Psyche Sep 20 06, 14:28

Hi Gregory !

Yes, the modifications sound great to me. And perhaps I'll drop "love" as well, as you suggest.

Thanks a lot!
Syl

Posted by: Psyche Sep 20 06, 14:39

Hi Tim !

I'll confess to you, and you only, that this piece is something I fished out of a box, something I scribbled when I was SO young...haha... I seem to remember that I was feeling lovelorn at the time, not really sure.

Your word "corny" hit hard, I believe the whole poem sounds corny. Do you think it can be salvaged?

I've noted your modifications and will study the whole package, thank you! I don't understand the last strophe, where you suggest
"executing a letter you'll never send me"....?

Do you mean that I'll write the letter to myself, since evidently the guy isn't going to? Or is it metaphorical, meaning that I'll cut the whole idea out of my mind, for ever, sort of kill it?

Interesting, will mull over all this, if I don't throw the whole poem into the dustbin...

Sylvia

Posted by: azurepoetry Sep 20 06, 14:41

Sylvia,

No, no. i meant my rearraingment was corny. Your poem is interesting which is why i went thorugh the trouble to crit it. i apologize about the miscommunication.
i was just thinking about creating a pseudo-timeline for the guy where there wasn't quite one.

So, sorry,
~tim

Posted by: Psyche Sep 20 06, 14:47

No, no, Tim, don't apologize at all. I myself think all the examples are perhaps a bit corny. I swear that I thought so before even posting this piece.

I like your pseudo-timeline idea, are u saying that the guy could be on death row, for example? Wow.... food for thought, indeed.

Will certainly give that one a thought!
Thanks a lot,
Syl

Posted by: azurepoetry Sep 20 06, 14:49

Sylvia,

Sorry, i responded so quickly to your comment about 'corny' that i didn't finish reading your questions. i am going to be rude and answer your question with a question.
What do all of these stanzas have to do with not receiving a love letter?
i took this poem to be a metaphorical/futuristic look at a relationship and what could be between the N and the one she adores. The S2-3 (in the rewrite i created, sorry again) were pretty straight-forward, while the next three seemed to be move into a much more metaphorical transition about the stay of execution, looking for salvation and night terrors. My orgainzational side stepped in and looked for a sense of order or timeline that would serve as a cohesive meaning to each stanza's image offering.
Re: the revised ending. i was trying to use your words to allude to the loneliness he would be feeling, that by snubbing the N, he was 'killing' love or love's potentiality and that his stay of execution, his salvation, his release from loneliness, etc. would be in writing the letter.
That may not quite work as written, but now you see where i was going with it.

~tim

Posted by: Psyche Sep 20 06, 15:20

Great, Tim! Asking questions is the best way to set others thinking.
Socratic type, are you?!
I see your point about cohesion and I'll try to work out something better, based on your insightful remarks.

For now, I've done my time at MM...haha....so I'll log out, with a rich baggage of ideas to carry away with me.

Thanks, Syl

Posted by: azurepoetry Sep 20 06, 16:16

Sylvia,

It's not necessary to have cohesion among the stanzas, i just feel like it adds more dimension if you do. You may find yourself reorganizing the stanzas as you see fit or even altering to create a 'timeline' among them. The timeline idea is certainly just one thought, one option to take to address cohesion, and in fact, you may not want cohesion at all. Glimpses of a life, or wistful fantasy on a deathbed can be memoriable too, even if they are not lucid.

Socratic? i'm more didactic than dialectic.

~tim

Posted by: ohsteve Sep 21 06, 12:46

Sylvia.. I have read this piece now four times, and twice again after reading all the interesting comments. First I don't think the piece is "corny", and I think this could be read several different ways, I like Cathys trimming of the "it's like" nice try on the repetion but they were too much. I also liked Tims rearrangement but that is for you to decide. A good piece even if it was pulled from a box of early girly stuff...LOL.
Steve

Posted by: Psyche Sep 24 06, 10:45

Posted by: Psyche Sep 24 06, 10:49

Sylvia,

It's not necessary to have cohesion among the stanzas, i just feel like it adds more dimension if you do. You may find yourself reorganizing the stanzas as you see fit or even altering to create a 'timeline' among them. The timeline idea is certainly just one thought, one option to take to address cohesion, and in fact, you may not want cohesion at all. Glimpses of a life, or wistful fantasy on a deathbed can be memoriable too, even if they are not lucid.

Socratic? i'm more didactic than dialectic.

~tim

Well, sorry to disagree, Tim, but I think you're both didactic & dialectic. A very handy person to have around!

Hope to get back to work on this piece soon,
Syl

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Sep 24 06, 12:06

Hi Sylvia.

Apologies if I repeat anything as I haven't read the other replies yet.

This is an interesting piece, one which carries forward from stanza to stanza. What I'vwe done to separate them is to offer ellipses and delete the repeating 'it's like'.

Other than that, I can't see anything by way of suggestions to offer.

Cheers
~Cleo

It’s like
a groom sweating (or 'unnerved')
before his bride shows up
at church[.][…]

It’s like
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution.[..]

It’s like
committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul.[..]

It’s like
striding up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born.[..]

It’s like
a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors.[…] (or fears)

It’s the love letter
you’ll never send me…

SLAM! Killer ending!

Posted by: Psyche Sep 24 06, 13:16

Hi Sylvia.

Apologies if I repeat anything as I haven't read the other replies yet.

This is an interesting piece, one which carries forward from stanza to stanza. What I'vwe done to separate them is to offer ellipses and delete the repeating 'it's like'.

Other than that, I can't see anything by way of suggestions to offer.

Cheers
~Cleo

It’s like
a groom sweating (or 'unnerved')
before his bride shows up
at church[.][…]

It’s like
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution.[..]

It’s like
committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul.[..]

It’s like
striding up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born.[..]

It’s like
a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors.[…] (or fears)

It’s the love letter
you’ll never send me…

SLAM! Killer ending!

Oooooooooh, Cleo, thanks so much for tweaking the stupid "likes"... I also like "unnerved" !!!

I'm a naughty girl, haven't made my revision yet, but with all these wonderful suggestions I've got it all written in my head, so hopefully this week I'll get that homework done...

Hugs, Sylvia

Posted by: Psyche Sep 26 06, 10:21

Hi Cleo, Tim, Steve, Cathy, Peggy and everyone who's helped me with great crits and suggestions.

I've made a big revision, so I'm open to more crits !!!

Cheers and thank you,
Sylvia

Posted by: Cathy Oct 4 06, 09:24

Hi Sylvia,

At first I wasn't sure if I liked the revision as well as the first one but the more I've read both... the revision wins out. LOL

You seem to have created a sequence of events and a timeline in which they might have happened.

A few suggestions for you to use or lose...
Cathy

A groom unnerved,
wondering whether his bride will show
at church…

Dad pacing corridors,
waiting for baby
to be born…

I wouldn't use 'dad' cause he wouldn't be until the baby was actually born. *smiles* Maybe just 'pacing corridors' as a continuation of verse one?

committing a murder,
knowing God’s salvation of your[his] soul
is improbable… but it isn't improbable, is it? Maybe 'afraid' instead of 'knowing' as though he's not sure of his faith?

A grown man’s hope Capitalize new sentence to indicate seperate thoughts?
that dawn will dispel
night terrors…

I would swap verses 3 & 4 around... as though the 'night terrors' had caused the penchant for murder?

A grown man's hope
that dawn will dispel
night terrors...

committing murder,
afraid God's salvation of your soul
is improbable...

in[on] Death Row,
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve of execution…

Unnecessary maybe? Would everyone know the governor would be the one to issue a reprieve?

Irrevocably,
I know for certain
you’ve penned me
…your last letter to me. Why the elipsis here?


A groom unnerved,
wondering whether his bride will show
at church…

pacing corridors,
waiting for baby
to be born…

A grown man's hope
that dawn will dispel
night terrors...

committing murder,
afraid God’s salvation of his soul
is improbable…

on Death Row,
anticipating reprieve
on the eve of execution…

Irrevocably,
I know for certain
you’ve penned
your last letter to me.

Posted by: Psyche Oct 4 06, 10:49

Dear Cathy!

Your suggestions are SO good!! Thanks! I'll go through them, one by one, and make another revision asap. As I've only just read your reply, I need to meditate a little more...

For now, a big hug,
Sylvia

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 4 06, 11:37

I've read this over and over, and then read others' comments and suggestions. Again I come to my own internal frustration with the enormity of the possibilities open for the revision of almost any piece of free verse... and I'm reminded of Frost's comment something to the effect that he would no more write in free verse (I think, as others conceived it) than play tennis with the net down.

So I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind and jump onto the court and start makin' some raquet. K? [ Remember, I'm just practicin', o' course! ]

Posted by: Psyche Oct 4 06, 12:34

Hey Daniel!

You've made me laugh outright, which is the best solution when watching rotten tennis players like yours truly...

Really, you've practically re-written my poem, but in a humorous fashion, so perhaps I better use your parallel version to get some grins on solemn faces in this forum. Is one allowed to post parallel revisions?!

I'm in a real stew, now, Daniel, in fact I'm on my way to dumping this whole poem, as I said at the beginning, to Tim's alarm!!

It was written many years ago, at the dawn of time (my time...).
So I'll do some hmmmm... & mmmmm... over your amusing changes, and try to come up with something that's still mine...haha...

Thanks so much for shedding light on dark, dank death rows....
Cheers, Syl
PS: Love your title "Missing Let er"....

I've read this over and over, and then read others' comments and suggestions. Again I come to my own internal frustration with the enormity of the possibilities open for the revision of almost any piece of free verse... and I'm reminded of Frost's comment something to the effect that he would no more write in free verse (I think, as others conceived it) than play tennis with the net down.

So I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind and jump onto the court and start makin' some raquet. K? [ Remember, I'm just practicin', o' course! ]

QUOTE (Psyche @ Sep 19 06, 13:41 ) [snapback]83690[/snapback]

LAST LETTER

Missing Let er

[ I like your title, but remember, I'm jest makin' a raquet!
I've never won a tennis title,
but I've learned how important they are to some bystanders. ]

A groom unnerved,
wondering whether his bride will show
at church…

Like a groom, unnerved
at the front of the church,
Is she gonna show?...

Dad pacing corridors,
waiting for baby
to be born…

a new dad pacing
ER corridors...

committing a murder,
knowing God’s salvation of your soul
is improbable…

a murderer with gnawing
doubt of God's forgiveness...

a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night terror…

a grown man in night terror,
wondering if dawn might dispel it...

in Death Row,
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve of execution…

a death row inmate
watching midnight approach
staring at a silent phone...

Irrevocably,
I know for certain
you’ve penned me
…your last letter.

... is your love letter

lost in the male.

Note, of course, that I've jest been knockin' the bawl around, but the main thing I was attempting to do with your excellent thoughts was to find a way to place them in parallel speech, such that each of them could grammatically begin with:

My waiting for your letter is like...

Lightly puttin' my racket in my bag, walkin' away from the courtier, Daniel

Posted by: JustDaniel Oct 4 06, 13:14

Hey, Sylvia!

Don't even be thinkin' o' tossin' this little gem! You have a great idea there. I know I threw a wry bit o' (serious) humor in at the end, but that was just me practicin' FV.

I just wanted you to visually see your ideas slightly differently, taking note of 1) parallel speech, 2) brevity, 3) word-picture in place of description... all wherever possible without losing your ideas.

Now just run your own words through your own head with those thoughts and other poetic devices in mind, and you'll have a sparkler here!

One note: I think the closing of your revision has FAR LESS BITE than the original, so I was merely nudging you back in that DIRECTION.

Please don't forget that I'm a novice in FV, but I'm doin' my level best. I know that your time on the boards is severly limited, but when ya can, I'd love your input on my latest attempt. It's a bit of a frosty mug.

deLightin' in the journey, Daniel

Posted by: Psyche Oct 4 06, 18:03

Right, Daniel, I get your point... There will be no binning of this piece, I'll just work on it until it becomes the "sparkler" you promise!!! In the year 3.000, perhaps?

And stop calling yourself a novice in FV!!! As I mentioned elsewhere, you've got the humor that we need this side of The Wall, just keep piling the bricks up!!!

Thanks,
Syl

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Oct 4 06, 18:58

Hi Sylvia.



I really find your revised ending:

Irrevocably,
I know for certain
you’ve penned me
…your last letter.

more poignant and stronger (blend to your title).

No nits from my vantage point.

Well done!
~Cleo

Posted by: AMETHYST Oct 5 06, 11:19

Hi Sylvia,

I cannot believe this slipped by me and I hadn't gotten the early opportunity to review it. Loved the title. The individual snap shots of images are each a story within themselves. What I also found quite profound in your make up of this poem was the link between one to the next image...

I haven't been able to read through all the other critiques and will be focusing on the revision, so forgive me if I repeat what others say or miss a meaning that was explained, as I haven't read through replies either...

Here goes...

Hugs, Liz

LAST LETTER
GREAT TITLE!

A groom unnerved,
wondering whether his bride will show
at church…

Dad pacing corridors,
waiting for baby
to be born…

S1L2: I like the alliteration between wondering/whether, however-I keep feeling that whether might need that follow through of 'or not' ... I think it just may be a personal thought. The first stanza, is excellent lead in, especially to reflect inner conflict of the title. "Last Letter" ...

L3 of S1, blends well to introduce the next stanza... church links my mind to birth and purity and wonder of Godly things, as a father waiting the coming of his new born...

While ... (let's go to the next stanza... come on, follow along! LOL)


committing a murder,
knowing God’s salvation of your soul
is improbable…


The ending of S2, birth...being born, then leads to death, and linking God from both church of S1, birth and goodness in S2, to salvation ...

I wasn't too keen on the word 'knowing' perhaps... accepting ...

The word 'improbable' then links to the next stanza, like a domino effect... "where the man links this man with the improbability of hope that what they fear will not disappear.

a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night terror…

in Death Row,
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve of execution…

The connect again between 'night terror' / and the image of a death row inmate waithing their execution the night before is profound. Well Done Sylvia... Well done. Also, strong alliteration, blends well, not forced for the rhyme, off the tongue natural and smooth.


Irrevocably,
I know for certain
you’ve penned me
…your last letter.

The waiting of the reprieve/links to the word irrevocably with a very powerful connection to my mind... and the confidence of the narrator comes to link with the inmate. How life's events domino from one stimulating the next and cause and effect of a process and how things ripple in our lives.. EXCELLENT POEM!



By Psyche

Posted by: Cyn Oct 5 06, 13:30

well Syl
I may be the lone dissenter

See all the stanzas talk about waiting, anticipation. Some for things that will come some for things that might not. Irrevocably just does not make sense to me

I like the reformatting in the poem though, but the last strophe feels too tidy for me, like it is all wrapped up and put to bed.

Don't know if I am making any sense, but it seems to have lost some of the true feeling in it that it had when you wrote it way back when.

Just my opinion though so....

Cyn

Posted by: jgdittier Oct 10 06, 09:27

Dear Psyche,
I'm only exploring, but this, my first read in this forum, captured my interest.
Cheers, Ron jgd

Posted by: Psyche Oct 10 06, 12:40

Oh, Cleo, I'm so relieved you like the revision. Saves more work!!!
Of course I'm interested in everybody's opinions, so I shall be mulling over this one a little longer...

Thanks for coming back, Cleo!!
Hugs, Sylvia

Hi Sylvia.



I really find your revised ending:

Irrevocably,
I know for certain
you’ve penned me
…your last letter.

more poignant and stronger (blend to your title).

No nits from my vantage point.

Well done!
~Cleo

Posted by: Psyche Oct 10 06, 12:57

Hi Liz!

I'm very glad you've dropped by, never mind the exact moment.
I believe the links between one stanza to another were improved with Tim's help, way back...

Now let's see what you suggest...

Hi Sylvia,

I cannot believe this slipped by me and I hadn't gotten the early opportunity to review it. Loved the title. The individual snap shots of images are each a story within themselves. What I also found quite profound in your make up of this poem was the link between one to the next image...

I haven't been able to read through all the other critiques and will be focusing on the revision, so forgive me if I repeat what others say or miss a meaning that was explained, as I haven't read through replies either...

Here goes...

Hugs, Liz

QUOTE

LAST LETTER
GREAT TITLE!

A groom unnerved,
wondering whether his bride will show
at church…

Dad pacing corridors,
waiting for baby
to be born…

S1L2: I like the alliteration between wondering/whether, however-I keep feeling that whether might need that follow through of 'or not' ... [b] I believe I did have "show up" included in one version, then dropped it...I agree with you and will revise again.
I think it just may be a personal thought. The first stanza, is excellent lead in, especially to reflect inner conflict of the title. "Last Letter" ... Glad you like the title!

L3 of S1, blends well to introduce the next stanza... church links my mind to birth and purity and wonder of Godly things, as a father waiting the coming of his new born... Thank you, Liz.[/b]

While ... (let's go to the next stanza... come on, follow along! LOL)


committing a murder,
knowing God’s salvation of your soul
is improbable…


The ending of S2, birth...being born, then leads to death, and linking God from both church of S1, birth and goodness in S2, to salvation ...

I wasn't too keen on the word 'knowing' perhaps... accepting ... [b]Yes, I accept "accepting" LOL. Good idea.

The word 'improbable' then links to the next stanza, like a domino effect... "where the man links this man with the improbability of hope that what they fear will not disappear. [/b]
Yes, that's my intention, Liz.

a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night terror…

in Death Row,
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve of execution…

The connect again between 'night terror' / and the image of a death row inmate waithing their execution the night before is profound. Well Done Sylvia... Well done. Also, strong alliteration, blends well, not forced for the rhyme, off the tongue natural and smooth.
Again, thank you.

Irrevocably,
I know for certain
you’ve penned me
…your last letter.

The waiting of the reprieve/links to the word irrevocably with a very powerful connection to my mind... and the confidence of the narrator comes to link with the inmate. How life's events domino from one stimulating the next and cause and effect of a process and how things ripple in our lives.. EXCELLENT POEM!



By Psyche

I hope I interpreted this near your intent. I found the duality of each stanza, linking each other a very powerful technique done quite well.

Hugs, Liz

Yes, your interpretation is quite correct. Thank you so much for taking all this trouble, your comments are always to the point and highly appreciated.
Hugs, Sylvia

Posted by: Psyche Oct 10 06, 13:00

Keep on exploring, Ron, and thanks for trodding into my terrain...

If you have anything to crit, I know that it'll be highly significant.
Cheers, Syl

Posted by: Psyche Oct 10 06, 13:05

Thank goodness for dissenters, Cyn! Without your sort, everything would be so flat, so boring...

So "irrevocably" should disappear? I certainly don't want my poem all wrapped up and put to bed...LOL... So I shall think about that last stanza in my next revision. Liz has also given me some good ideas, so I have much homework to do...

Thank you, Cyn, for coming back,
hugs, Syl

Posted by: Psyche Oct 12 06, 09:43

Thank you all for your help with this difficult one! Liz and Cyn helped me make some more tweaks. Hope it's a better poem now.

Hugs to all,
Syl ***

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jan 28 07, 16:13

Congrats Sylvia on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

Posted by: Cathy Jan 28 07, 19:18

Congratulations on your Wizard Award Sylvia!

Cathy

Posted by: Psyche Jan 29 07, 12:35

Hi Cleo & Cathy!

Ooooooooo, what an unexpected surprise! For these simple lines...gee, that's great!
I'm terribly delayed in my answers because I hadn't visited My Controls since the changeover, and so no mail notifications were arriving at my Intray. Silly me...
Thanks & hugs,
Sylvia

Posted by: azurepoetry Mar 4 07, 00:54

Hey there Sylvia,

A belated congrats on your award!! You've worked (and reworked) this poem quite a bit.

~tim

Posted by: Siren Mar 4 07, 11:06

Hey Sylvia,

Congrats on the award. Really a deserving piece. I like the revisions.

Captivating from each line to the next.

Great read.

Hugs
Dani

Posted by: Psyche Mar 7 07, 13:58

Hi Dani & Tim!

Thanks so much for your congrats! Altho' I did work a lot on this poem, personally I'm not particularly fond of it....

Still, with a little help from my friends, it's acceptably presentable

Cheers!
Syl ***

Posted by: AMETHYST Mar 8 07, 01:15

Congrats Sylvia ...

This is nearing it's high potential. You've done wonders shaping it and making it stand strong in our poetic minds...

Good Luck with it, and big hugs... Liz