Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
4 Pages V   1 2 3 > » 

ace
Posted on: Sep 16 09, 17:56


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




Eisa:

Beautiful picture..beautiful lines.
One reall chincy comment: the first line has, I believe, only four syllables where in the haiku structure five are needed. "Large dark eyes flutter"?

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #117528 · Replies: 8 · Views: 4,972

ace
Posted on: Sep 14 09, 15:38


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




Peggy:

Thank you; I have done the appropriate edit...now if I could only learn to type. Glad it gave you a smile.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #117502 · Replies: 4 · Views: 3,662

ace
Posted on: Sep 11 09, 18:16


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361


There once was an emu called Betty Lou
who covered a golf course with derring do;
the golfers complained;
the club pro was pained,
but the grass on the greens was like new.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #117474 · Replies: 4 · Views: 3,662

ace
Posted on: Sep 9 09, 16:59


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




WallY;

These show your mastery of the genre. I particularly lik 1, 2, and 5. A good chuckle from all but the last. I agree somewhat with Cleo on the last one. Although probably no poetic rule should be hard and fast, it does seem like limericks should have some element of humor.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #117450 · Replies: 5 · Views: 3,455

ace
Posted on: Sep 9 09, 16:50


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




Daniel:

I bow before greater breverist (?).

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #117449 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,362

ace
Posted on: Aug 29 09, 16:03


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




Peggy: You are completely right. Have changed the title. Thank you for the read and the kind words.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #117250 · Replies: 3 · Views: 1,249

ace
Posted on: Aug 28 09, 17:33


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361


In light of all the healh care controversy, thought it might be o.k. to go back to lines I wrote in the Teri Schivo situation....remember?

Health Care*

The death watch began
the Friday before Palm Sunday.
The highest authority washed its hands of it.
The mother sobbed as mother's
do...helpless;
a few tried to takle water in;
the centurions stopped them.
The doctors said it would not be paniful.
She didn't complain; she couldn't.
Some say towards the last she said
she wanted to live.
Authority said the sounds
were only involuntary moans.
It took so long.
I wonder how long that
seemingly smiling face
will haunt us.


* In memory of Teri Schivo.


ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #117245 · Replies: 3 · Views: 1,249

ace
Posted on: Aug 28 09, 17:24


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361



Ishmael:

I'm afraid I have to agree with Wally. One gets the sense of a good poem, but can never quite graso where you are going with it. You have some nice images and thoughts wish they were tied togther with more clarity. For what it's worth...only my opinion.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #117244 · Replies: 4 · Views: 1,365

ace
Posted on: Aug 28 09, 17:17


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361



Peggy:

I have tried to comment on this well done limirick and keep having computer problems. So I'll try again. Good idea slips a little in the rhythm of the first two lines and the rhyme of lines 3 and
4. Just my thought; others may disagree.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #117243 · Replies: 7 · Views: 4,676

ace
Posted on: Aug 22 09, 17:53


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




Alan:


I should have replied to this one sooner to comment upon the uniquen rhyme scheme
(something like A-B-A-C; D-E-D-C; F-G-F-C; H-I-H-C ?) and to say how I enjoyed the final line
(unfortunately with which I am too familiar).


ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #117168 · Replies: 10 · Views: 1,441

ace
Posted on: Aug 22 09, 17:51


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




Alan:


I should have replied to this one sooner to comment upon the uniquen rhyme scheme
(something like A-B-A-C; D-E-D-C; F-G-F-C; H-I-H-C ?) and to say how I enjoyed the final line
(unfortunately with which I am too familiar).


ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #117167 · Replies: 10 · Views: 1,441

ace
Posted on: Aug 16 09, 15:52


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361


Thoth:

Vey good rhyme, excellent rhythm but best of all is the extended image. Well done.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #117074 · Replies: 16 · Views: 3,227

ace
Posted on: Aug 10 09, 17:04


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




John:


Makes an excellent visual poem and ther delays and pauses make it realitistic. In fact I have no problem with any of the lines. Well done,

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #117020 · Replies: 8 · Views: 1,875

ace
Posted on: Aug 10 09, 16:59


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




Alice:

Sorry to be so late in posting, but as I was trying to critique another entrty that sorta combined prosaic work with poetry I remembered your entry. So thanks for the education One question on the poetic part: blue or black (inky) pelicans?


ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #117019 · Replies: 6 · Views: 1,319

ace
Posted on: Aug 10 09, 14:02


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361


Alice:

That's easy:

The Big Finish

I
die.

Couldn't resist.

ace





QUOTE (alice @ Aug 10 09, 11:11 ) *
lol, okay so what do you do for an encore!!


Alice

  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #117016 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,362

ace
Posted on: Aug 6 09, 13:54


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361


Syl:

Thank you so very much; wish I could have you and Dee edit me before I post. I agree completely on the first line colon and the third line comma; however, gramatically I think the second line does require the semicolon to seperate two complete sentences.
Thank you again.

ace


  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116963 · Replies: 8 · Views: 1,629

ace
Posted on: Aug 5 09, 17:11


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361


Dee:

Thanks for the read and the suggestions. I want to mull them over a bit. I sort of like the drawing out of the last two words and lines. I wanted a sort of halting approach.

ace





QUOTE (Dee @ Aug 5 09, 11:57 ) *
I like it. Simple. True.

Just a couple suggestions...

I would leave out "sometimes". You really don't need it and it loses power (I think). Also, the ending is somewhat redundant, since you suggest "before now" with the "should have". Perhaps an ending of...

I
should
have.


Just my two cents. Enjoyed.

  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116960 · Replies: 8 · Views: 1,629

ace
Posted on: Aug 5 09, 17:06


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




John:


I loved this. I was a little put off and shocked at the beginning, but the longer I read, the better I liked it.Ican see how writing it was inspirational. I wouldn't change a wqord.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116959 · Replies: 6 · Views: 1,775

ace
Posted on: Aug 4 09, 17:59


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




Epitaph

It all went so fast:
I should have looked more;
I should have listened,
and, perhaps, sometimes felt more
before
now.




ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116938 · Replies: 8 · Views: 1,629

ace
Posted on: Aug 4 09, 14:39


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361


Ohsteve:

You are, of course, correct about using "c" as a word; I have changed it to "see". Your poem would fit the title, but, alas, has no rhyme. And actually, in thinking through your comment I have come up with an even shorter poem entitled:

My Secret for Success

I
try.


The Pilot

I
fly.


I do think I havan old Mexican peso note here some place; will that do?

Thanks for the interest and the read.


ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #116924 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,362

ace
Posted on: Aug 3 09, 15:32


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361


I tried to post this before, but it seemingly didn't take, so I'll try again.

I have often heard that the shortest poem is:
Fleas

Adam
Had 'em.

I suggest that my poem "Ego" is shorter:

Ego

See
me.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #116888 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,362

ace
Posted on: Aug 1 09, 16:35


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




Peggy * Syl:

You are both completely correct. What's worse for an old English teacher...they aren't even used correctly. Thanks for the read and the comments.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #116851 · Replies: 9 · Views: 4,754

ace
Posted on: Jul 31 09, 15:24


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361




Alice:

Nice image. But even if you ignore the 5-7-5 aspect of the haiku, should not one at least attempt a 4-6-4 or something that ballances line 1 and 3? Just quibbling...bear with me.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #116815 · Replies: 16 · Views: 6,935

ace
Posted on: Jul 29 09, 17:44


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361


Alice:

Lovely image and a nice short poem. Whether it is a haiku or not is probably open to debate. I believe haiku's have a 5-7-5 rhythm. Something like:
the end of summer
arrives in silence; we share
the juicy last plus.

Still these are nice lines. In fact they are better than mine.

ace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #116755 · Replies: 5 · Views: 3,665

ace
Posted on: Jul 19 09, 16:18


Babylonian
*

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361


Dan:

I truly emjoyed these lines; well done. I pretty much agree with Mark's suggestions, but, of course, I have one or two of mjy own:

I would use a semi-colon at the end of line 3 to tie these lines together more closely.
I would also use the semi-colon at the end of line 7.
I would particularly likedf the imagery in lines11-13. Send a chill through.
I might use a full stop after "grinds" And start the next lkine with "It".
I really appreciated the allitertive siftness of the final line.

ace

  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116478 · Replies: 6 · Views: 1,504

4 Pages V   1 2 3 > » 

New Posts  New Replies
No New Posts  No New Replies
Hot topic  Hot Topic (New)
No new  Hot Topic (No New)
Poll  Poll (New)
No new votes  Poll (No New)
Closed  Locked Topic
Moved  Moved Topic
 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 16th December 2017 - 23:08




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: