Trois-par-Huit (Three-by-Eight) Octa-Tri, New form by Cleo Options

[AMETHYST]

Hey Lori,

Good suggestion! I will either go with that or cry. Let me know from below which is most benefical to the poem.

I understand the original params were aab bb ccc but I originally did aaa bb ccc and you said it could be an alternative in the params. Either way, your suggestion actually leads the wording toward a more important tensity in meaning than what I have already. I am still going lto do further revisions on these. I would like to include some of these in the chapbook.  :dance:




Homeward Bound

What keeps me
here is security,
I'm still so unsure...I wonder why;

The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by

so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.

or


Homeward Bound

What keeps me
here is security
but fear still has a hold on me...Why?

The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by

so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.

[AMETHYST]

A Blank Slate

Starting out
a new; no ounce of doubt
to shadow these silent silhouettes

of yesterday. They dance about in pirouettes
across my mind, reminding me of those regrets

I've left behind; I'll not contemplate
slow steps to recreate
a blank slate.

A PUUUURRFFFECT Piece Liz!  :pharoah2

Well done - and I like a blank slate - always makes me feel I can conquer anything....

HUGS
~Cleo  

Thank You Lori,

This is one of my most favorite, if not THE most favorite forms. I enjoy the possibilities it offers for the rhymes, and idea it gives me as I contemplate the form and the variations in the line lengths help to adjust a strong tone of voice.

Hugs, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

I think I like this version a tad more of your two:

Homeward Bound

What keeps me
here is security
but fear still has a hold on me...Why?

The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by

so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.

[Cleo_Serapis]

You could also say:

What keeps me
here is security,

I'm still uncertain...I wonder why;
OR
I still hesitate...I wonder why;

The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by

so if one day I am not around
just know that I'll be found
homeward bound.


:pharoah2

[AMETHYST]

Hey Lori, I rather like this one most too. With perhaps a tiny tweak that helps L1 and L2 to make more sense or connect better with what L3 is bringing to light for the reader.
Perhaps:

I'm still uncertain...I wonder why;

Homeward Bound

What keeps me
here...is security
I'm so uncertain; I wonder why?

The sacrifice of bills now paid has been too high,
my fam'ly, friends and familiar ways-long gone by

so come the day I am not around
rest assure--I'll be found
homeward bound.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Yes - I this latest one Liz.

Well done!

~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Thanks Lori.

 :sun:  You brighten my day (ok and my nights being it is 10 pm....) LOL

Big Hugs, Liz ... (Do you think this will fit into the chapbook theme I spoke of?)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.  :sun:

Thanks so much! It's now the a.m. for me (7:36).  :upside:  :oops:  :laugh:

Oh YES, this is a perfect one to go with your theme in mind for the chapbook! I am writing a response to you now....

One more thought on that revised line:

I'm so uncertain; I wonder why?

If you didn't want that pause, you might also say:

I'm so uncertain and wonder why?

Tee hee - just another option for you.  :detective:

TTYL
Lori  :pharoah2

[AMETHYST]

Hurricane


'Swoooshing' sounds
surround us; rain pelts-pounds.
The window pane buckles; bends to break.

This monster lurks beyond the blackness, just to make  
a mark upon subconscious minds, to steal...create

an aweful sense of dread and doom...shame
begins to loom-a name
hurricane.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Your Hurricane 3x8 Liz!

You have such a knack for these!

YES, we even felt some of her wrath today - I had a very trecherous drive into work this morning - the winds nearly swept me to the door at work as I exited my car!

This monster lurks beyond the blackness

Excellent description Liz! I could FEEL the tension in each word ~ nice alliteration too!  :sprite:

~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

THank you Lori,

It is a wonderful form of poetry! Perhaps one day our grandchildren will be reading in their english books on the Trois-par-Huit Form and about its creator.


I love this form... Wilma really did her share of devastation. It has been overwhelming. Although I am grateful that there weren't too many deaths, During the hurricane, our 911 calls were heartbreaking. It is so hard to hear someone petrified, sick or injured and not be able to get them help--however it is a great feeling to know that we are their only source of help, comfort or direction on getting safe assistance during a very horrifying experience.

Here's another 3x8 ...




No one's home

Whirling Gales,
debris sets sale-it flails
across a blackened night..what a fright-

but Heaven hovers over keeping us in sight,
through the eye of the storm, we see a future bright.

An elderly couple sits alone-
his wife has passed-don't phone
no one's home.

[AMETHYST]

The silence
is more a consequence
of what has been sacrificed for gain,

too high to decipher the pleasure from the pain
and all too often it's regret that we maintain.

We traded what's dear to us; for play
and then we gave away
time to pray.





The silence
is more a consequence
of what we've lost for material gain,

so high; we can't decipher pleasure from the pain
and all too often it's regret that we maintain.

We traded what's dear to us; we pray
for growth then give away
our today.

[Cleo_Serapis]

These are such poignant pieces Liz.



Each has its own distinct message - in such few words.

BRAVO!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

OK Rellie...  

I've just written another one today - hope you like!  

Traditions


Marketplace

adorned in powdered lace

windows welcome wide-eyed young and old


to join the warmth, partake of season’s festive hold

where small town merriment and heritage unfold


melodic spirited renditions

Winter’s compositions

Traditions


© Lorraine M Kanter 13 Nov 2005

[AMETHYST]

Hey Lori,

Absolutely divine! The message is something that touched my heart deep inside, because I have been going through battle with myself of reaching back torwards family/home and traditions and your poem reminded me of how important and warming those things really are.

One suggestion. In L5; perhaps-

where small town merriment and heritage unfold

The reasons for my suggestion is that your title and final line are traditions and it would help to omit that near repeat, as well as allow the line to flow in one smooth motion for the meaning.

Well... A wonderful choice form for the message and a great big hug for the skill!

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

These 3 final lines could be a poem within themselves...


melodic spirited renditions

Winter’s compositions

Traditions

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey Lori,

Absolutely divine! The message is something that touched my heart deep inside, because I have been going through battle with myself of reaching back torwards family/home and traditions and your poem reminded me of how important and warming those things really are.

One suggestion. In L5; perhaps-

where small town merriment and heritage unfold

The reasons for my suggestion is that your title and final line are traditions and it would help to omit that near repeat, as well as allow the line to flow in one smooth motion for the meaning.

Well... A wonderful choice form for the message and a great big hug for the skill!

Hugs, Liz

I'm glad I could bring some festivity into your heart today Liz.  

Thanks ever so much! I've changed that line per your suggestion - I didn't even realize I had repeated the title word and that is a no-no really for this form.  

I posted this one for crit as well and made the change there too thanks to you and your observant ways.  

Thanks so much Liz and

~Cleo  

[AMETHYST]

A new Day

I believe;
that stars are quite naive
and the moon secretively espies

us from above; pale gray clouds against ebon skies
hide angels as they gather to decide who flies~

in dreams; we live long, love deep and pray
fam'ly unites to stay-
a new day!

[Cleo_Serapis]

Breathtakingly beautious Liz!

This is so lovely and this part:

pale gray clouds against ebon skies
hide angels as they gather to decide who flies~

in dreams;  

Superb!

~Cleo :pharoah2

[AMETHYST]

Breathtakingly beautious Liz!

This is so lovely and this part:

pale gray clouds against ebon skies
hide angels as they gather to decide who flies~

in dreams;  

Superb!

~Cleo :pharoah2

Thank you Lori,

The form brings out the most inspired thougths. It has been so long since I've sat down at the computer, or with a pen and pad and wrote something that has had any substance. These forms of yours bring out that inspiration, with substance and depth. I enjoy reading them and writing them.

This will be an included poem in "Out of the Dark" ... What do ya think? ...