A lovely image, Cleo!
And an interesting form...
I'm wondering if there's a way to work
a color into this, to strengthen the visual?


Lary

I'm adding another link here...
I just came across Richard Wright's work,
and he write mostly in 5-7-5!
A fascinating poet, and his words make one
pause:

http://www.terebess.hu/english/haiku/wright.html


Lary

Snow, sorry I didn't stop to comment earlier...
I love the way you grasp the idea...
and also that you're having fun!



Cleo, I like the idea of adding a canoe to the scene...
a moment well worth working on!


Lary

Hi Snow,
what an effective image!
My first question would be...
when you say "snakes entwine", does that
indicate a mating ritual?
I'm not sure...there could be other reasons,
perhaps.

Would a setting add to this...either the weather,
a kigo such as late summer, etc.?

Mind you, if you want to keep the cold-blooded
connection, it feels a bit like a senryu.

I'm not sure what to suggest...it depends on the
direction you want to go.

snakes entwined
in a mating ritual --
his cold kiss


Lary

Oh, I Googled, Kathy...
that site is where students take published haiku
and translate it.

Your haiku was in Paper Wasp...way to go!
(I guess I did see it back then.)
It's on the bottom of the page, but don't let that
bother you...some very prominant names are down there!

http://members.optusnet.com.au/paperwasp/selections2005.html

You must start sending more of your haiku out!


Lary

Kathy, once I know what you mean,
I can see it just fine!

But waterfall is neat too...I see them
out in the forest somewhere!


Lary

Sue, I remember this...it was a long
time ago!
A powerful poem, and your thoughts
are memorable.

I love your revised version, and only paused
at one phrase..."chilly winds still stir the air"
which feels like just a wee bit of a tongue-twister?
Just in case you want to play...

into a mirrored earth and sky. Although
it's summer, there's a chill upon the air.

it's summer, there's a chillness in the air.

I also tend to think that without repetition,
the "wind" in your last line is stronger.

But it's great, as is.

Up here, path/wrath rhyme...
From the Hutchinson Encyclopaedia:
The standard current British pronunciation is [roth], but some older well educated people say [rawth]. The US pronunciation is [rath], to rhyme with Kath.
I guess we're Americanized, lol!


Lary

Hi Kathy,
I had to come and see what you're
up to over here...this is so beautiful...
brings a lump to my throat...
nice work, gal!


Lary

Oh wow, Mary...
this is soooo cool!
I can find no fault, and I love the
atmosphere, the smooth flow, and a
glimpse into the motorcycle life that
doesn't include the gangs, lol!

I think this should go to a morotcycle
magazine!


Lary

(I have little time to spare, but I pop
in to read every so often... )

Hi Merlin,
I enjoyed this...it's so wonderful to watch
swallows gliding in our skies -- I can
understand your feelings!

I like your revision...
I first misread line 6 as "odd bits of string..."
and this is probably just a personal quirk,
but it's the way I often say it...just in case
you want to consider it.

Nice work!


Lary

Hi Ron,
I chuckled with delight....
your clever words brighten up the
screen, and your imagination knows
no bounds....

Thanks for the treat!


Lary

Hi Judi,
just popping in to say what a memorable
poem this is, and how it moved me.
I've seen similar scenes, and this rings
so true.
I find it frightening, too...the idea that I could
end up like this looms like a dark shadow.

I'll leave the crits to those who know more,
but thank you for sharing this!


Lary

Kathy, I have an idea that you use
the word "drain" in a different way
down under...

I'm seeing a drain where water runs
out of a sink or a bathtub.
Do you perchance mean a roof drain, or
something similar?


Lary

Oh Jan, I burst out laughing!
What a great image!

This is a delightful poem, and in the haiku
spirit, its only problem is that you've told
us everything, and there's no work left for
the reader?

Sometimes suspense works well...this is
one quick example:

new blooms
of yellow jessamine --
a dog cocks his leg

This allows the reader to imagine what
you have described....
does that make sense?

When we have to pause to visualize the moment
ourselves, we can experience it our own minds...
we're not just reading about it.
Then we add our own background/knowledge, so each
person's visualization will be slightly different and unique.


Also, do you mind if I ask you if you want
to stick with 5-7-5?
It's okay if you do... there are some excellent
haiku out there.
But I'd urge you to play with free-form haiku...
it does indeed bring freedom!



Lary

Hi Cleo,
you raise a good question...
I prefer the direct action.
(And I would not personify it...)

I could say...

drifting cloud --
a beach umbrella
opens

But I like sounds, so I added the click, lol!

Thanks for your warm thoughts!


Hi Jan...
oh of course...I never thought of that!
I hate the heat so much, that I use an
umbrella to protect from the sun, and we
don't get much rain during beach season.

But you've given this a different reading,
and that's just super!
(A haiku is only as valid as the reader makes it!)



Lary

Kathy, this is a most unusual and amazing scene!
At first I caught a glimpse of soapy men being
washed down the drain, lol!
But then, with the monsoon I saw flooding...
and men working to fix the drain...then soap
spills on them!

Lary

P.S. Who is "He"....?

Thanks, Kathy...
how I'd like to be able to slow time down...
to savor every moment longer!


Thanks, Liz!
Yes, it will be precious...children and grandchildren...
joy after joy!


Hi Jan,
I'm so pleased you like it!

My intent with the haiku itself, was to show the cloud
drifting, but which direction? Then, hopefully, with
the umbrella, the reader sees that the cloud is moving
away...


Lary

drifting cloud --
a beach umbrella
clicks open


I had fun giving this haiku a different
feel by using it in a haiga:

http://laryalee.users.sunwave.net/07test3.htm



Lary



(I'm going to have little time to spend here during
the last two weeks in June...a major family reunion
is planned...I'm quite excited about it!)

Hi Jan!
It's great to see you again, and you have such
a beautiful picture here!
Also a great juxtaposition -- the connection
between the sky and the eggs, which are
obviously blue.

Now, with haiku, the idea is to offer the reader
the picture without giving all the details.
It's a joint effort... one draws the outline,
and the other fills in the gaps, so to speak.

An example:

cerulean sky
Easter eggs
dip-dyed

Now we get to visualize the springtime picture
from this....and we feel good about it!


Lary

P.S. Terry offered some excellent comments...

Hi Cleo,
that's quite an image!
Like Kathy, I can't quite see the frog's legs
dangling, but if that's what you saw, I'll believe you!
And "hopscotch" doesn't quite connect for me.
What else was happening? Or what were you feeling?

a frog's legs
dangle from the lily pad --
summer heat


Sometimes, if we try too hard to introduce a fragment,
it doesn't feel natural?

And of course, since we're on this thread
(I often forget where I am, lol!)...to show the
difference...

a frog's legs
dangle from the lily pad --
distant thunder



Lary

Nice work, Snow!
Those dream haiku feel more realistic
to me...and I'm sure they're familiar moments
to everyone!

Now, another challenge...with the alarm bell
(or "alarm clock"?) do you suppose that one
would see the waking process?
This would mean that the dream doesn't even
need to be mentioned!

running
along the cliff edge --
my alarm clock rings


(Perhaps "alarm bell" is more common over there?)


Lary


P.S. Thanks, Kathy...glad you enjoyed my haiga!

a soft kiss
upon my skin
snowflake

Terry, this is soooo beautiful!
Delicate, yet emotionally packed...

I enjoyed your response to Norman's poetry,
and look forward to your return here.

Your reactions make this all worthwhile!

(I also have a busy month ahead, and
will be limited in the time I can spend here.)


Lary

Terry,
it's a delight to discuss this with you...
I can tell that you are sincere, and I appreciate
your comments.
Also, I have a fondness for Irish poets...
one dear online friend is Norman Darlington,
and here's a link to his site:

http://xaiku.com/


In case you didn't see it, here's a link from
the Haiku, new perspectives thread on Karnak's
Crossing...it's written by a Japanese poet, which
I feel gives it even greater credibility:

http://www.ahapoetry.com/keirule.htm

For me, the most astonishing news was in this quote:

There are two major linguistic factors that make the
Japanese language more flexible, and thus easier to
fit into a rigid form such as 5-7-5. Both of these factors
derive from the fact that the grammatical units in Japanese
are largely independent, and are relatively free to move about
within a sentence.

Keiko Imaoka then goes on to illustrate, with his
"mother gave it to the kitten" example.

He also mentions the fact that Japanese haiku are
written on a single line with no spacing.
So for those who insist that 5-7-5 is the way to go
because it's a Japanese tradition, why use three lines?


Now, back to your lovely poem!
I was taken by your explanation:

That the kiss was so soft it caused no immediate physical sensation,
but at that moment a purely emotional one.

Now I understand what you are getting at...
perhaps winter is not the best season, since it
indicates a chill? And this feels very warm!
You needn't be afraid of simply saying (or saying simply)
what happened...


spring breeze
the softness of her kiss
reaches my heart

her soft kiss
reaches my heart --
spring breeze


Etc.

(Feel free to use any of my revisions...
in a workshop situation, I always consider
that they become yours...they do not belong to me!)



Lary

Water lilies
coddle Koi in pond --
rainstorm ripples


Hi Cleo,
what a peaceful and delightful image!
And your underlying thought comes through nicely.

Now "coddle" has a couple of meanings --
cooking an egg, or pampering.
Obviously you don't intend the egg, lol!
But pampering is a human trait/action, right?
At least to me, it requires the process of thinking...
which water lilies do not have.
So, personification.

Another thought...what about zooming in to one
koi, one water lily....


a koi's tail
under the water lily --
rainstorm

When you include "ripples", you're not leaving
any work for the reader...if you just use the
rain, the reader must focus on the pond....
and see the resulting ripples. And through
those ripples, the koi's tail -- it must be hiding
under the water lily. Aha!

In a way, this is a slight change in perspective...
rather than using the water lily as the subject (since
it's just sitting there) the subject becomes the fish,
which has enough sense to move under the leaves for
protection...and I find that I can relate to this better.
Of course, that could be just me!


Lary

Hi Liz,
it's getting late, so I'll go with just one for now...
I like the second one best, because it has a phrase and
a fragment.
But the phrase is:

a sundown sky
reflects in mud puddles

And the fragment is:

dried garden gloves

So this is how you'd use distant thunder:

a sundown sky
reflects in mud puddles --
distant thunder

You might like to consider one mud puddle...
haiku usually works better when focusing on
one tree, rather than the forest.
(And often, even better with one leaf
of the tree, lol!)

the sundown sky
reflects in a mud puddle --
dried garden gloves

A nice haiku indeed!


Lary