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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Epitath

Posted by: ace Aug 4 09, 17:59

Epitaph

It all went so fast:
I should have looked more;
I should have listened,
and, perhaps, sometimes felt more
before
now.

ace

Posted by: Dee Aug 5 09, 11:57

I like it. Simple. True.

Just a couple suggestions...

I would leave out "sometimes". You really don't need it and it loses power (I think). Also, the ending is somewhat redundant, since you suggest "before now" with the "should have". Perhaps an ending of...

I
should
have.

Just my two cents. Enjoyed.

Posted by: ace Aug 5 09, 17:11

Dee:

Thanks for the read and the suggestions. I want to mull them over a bit. I sort of like the drawing out of the last two words and lines. I wanted a sort of halting approach.

ace

QUOTE (Dee @ Aug 5 09, 11:57 )

I
should
have.

Just my two cents. Enjoyed.

Posted by: Psyche Aug 6 09, 00:21

Hi Ace!
My 2 cents... to toss or take! I like it very much.

Epitath

It all went so fast; >>>>>> colon instead of semi-colon?
I should have looked more;
I should have listened;
and, perhaps, sometimes felt more
before
now.

IMHO, the trouble with the ending is that it appears that the dead person is "feeling more" now that he's dead. That would perhaps be OK if he also looked more & listened more from his tomb, but it doesn't read that way.

If you want to, you can just put commas at the end of L2 and L3, and then we have a vision of a dead person actually regretting the whole three..!

Wonderful epitaph! Reminds me of Edgar Lee Masters' Spoon River, except that he's more extensive.

Syl***

Posted by: ace Aug 6 09, 13:54

Syl:

Thank you so very much; wish I could have you and Dee edit me before I post. I agree completely on the first line colon and the third line comma; however, gramatically I think the second line does require the semicolon to seperate two complete sentences.
Thank you again.

ace

Posted by: Arnfinn Aug 7 09, 02:21

G'day, Ross

Epitath

It all went so fast:
I should have looked more; <<< You could use a bracketing comma, here mate, because if you deleted ' I should have listened' the poem still makes sense.
I should have listened,
and, perhaps, sometimes felt more
before
now.

Epitath

It all went so fast:
I should have looked more; >>> Perhaps, delete 'more'
I should have listened,
and, perhaps, sometimes felt more
before
now.

Regards,

John

Posted by: Eisa Aug 7 09, 17:37

Hi Ace

I like the message in this one and there is not much to suggest.

Epitath

Typo: Epitaph

It all went so fast:
I should have looked more;
I should have listened,
and, perhaps, sometimes felt more
before
now.

L1 You could replace went with passed for an inner rhyme

L2 posssibly looked further

I'm not sure if sometimes is necessary.

I wonder if you could avoid some repeats, because it is a short poem?

Suggestions below~

It all passed so fast:
I should have looked further
and listened better.
Perhaps, I should have
felt more deeply,
before
now.

Just a few thoughts to take or toss!

Snow

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Aug 13 09, 23:49

Hi Ace,

Don't think I've met you before. It's a pleasure!

Very concise. A bit of good advise you have here. You have three thought-provoking points in this in my opinion, but I believe the title needs work. Also, I believe you incorrectly spelled the title. What I'd like to see for a title is a generalization. Or even better, a catchy title. Maybe something like "Tips From the Grave." Or "The Deceased Speaks." Or "Tombstone Tips" or some such.

Again, very nice to meet you!!!

Peggy

Posted by: bipolarwriter Aug 22 09, 21:16

Hi. Nice to meet you. I personally enjoyed your poem. We should all live our lives like it is our last day here on this earth. So that we do not have that on our tombstone. I liked it. I do not think that I am an accomplished enough writer to tell you that you should change anything. To me, in my opinion, I thought it spoke volumes. However, I also have a habit of using too many words that are not necessary. Again, I enjoyed.
Melody