 One Infant Boy, For the 'Day of the Three Wise Men' |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
  Jan 2 06, 07:43
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep  |
One Infant Boy
The guiding star in the heavens shine true charting my course on a camel astride. While time doesn't pass for little children, each moment: a reflection of great pride. From the lands of Sheba I carried myrrh, my lone gift to Bethlehem’s newborn King. Thereafter, I share with each child, gifts of lasting ideals; of peace I do bring. In such a tumultuous world, we pray that this present I proffer bequeaths joy; and the children will see in themselves the spirit, the hope and the unity… the embodiment of one infant boy. Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 01 Jan 2006 revisions: changed S1L2 from: as I voyage through valleys far and wide shines to shine S2L2: was infant, now newborn S3L1 from: In a tumultuous world let us pray, ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
  
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Jan 2 06, 10:25
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Lori,
Your message is well conveyed and always timely. I thought the following line was a bit cliched, but I don't have anything better to offer: through valleys far and wide. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner     |
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Jan 2 06, 16:48
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
QUOTE(Cleo_Serapis @ Jan. 02 2006, 07:43) One Infant Boy I like the title. Its nothing fancy, but it is direct! The guiding star in the heavens shines true as I voyage through valleys far and wide. While time doesn't pass for little children, each moment: a reflection of great pride. L1: perhaps ...the heavens shine true L2, as already mentioned, perhaps astride ??? horse astride (Idon't know...) L3/L4...Nicely done! From the lands of Sheba I carried myrrh, my lone gift to Bethlehem’s infant King. Thereafter, I share with each child, gifts of lasting ideals; of peace I do bring. Lovely. I think each word and stress finds its way to the readers heart. The voice fits the narrators presence in the poems scenery. In a tumultuous world let us pray, that this present I proffer bequeaths joy; and the children will see in themselves the spirit, the hope and the unity… the embodiment of one infant boy. L1, perhaps... In such a tumultuous world, we pray that this present I proffer bequeaths joy; This is magic! I absolutely love the final lines... Hugs, Liz [/b] Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 01 Jan 2006 Hi Lori, This is strong, the message holds much value and it is sweetened with lovely images and sounds. I agree with John's thoughts on L2-actually, not so much cliche, (because I really don't believe in cliche) I just think it could be stronger and less familiar. Some further thoughts to follow, a really enjoyable poem... I will keep my eyes on its growth! Big Hugs, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner   |
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Jan 9 06, 12:11
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#4
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(JLY @ Jan. 02 2006, 10:25) Lori, Your message is well conveyed and always timely. I thought the following line was a bit cliched, but I don't have anything better to offer: through valleys far and wide. JLY Hi John. Thanks for your visit and feedback! :cheer: Yes - me too (as I was writing it down) - couldn't think of an alternate either but will still mull it over.... Stay tuned!  ~Cleo :pharoah: ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jan 10 06, 19:45
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#5
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE Hi Lori, This is strong, the message holds much value and it is sweetened with lovely images and sounds. I agree with John's thoughts on L2-actually, not so much cliche, (because I really don't believe in cliche) I just think it could be stronger and less familiar. Some further thoughts to follow, a really enjoyable poem... I will keep my eyes on its growth! Big Hugs, Liz Hi Liz. Thanks so much for your feedback! :cloud9: I've been mulling over S1L2 and have come up with this so far: charting my course on a camel astride I like your suggestion of using the word 'astride' so this is what my tired brain came up with this evening, what do you think? Will change 'shine' as well -ty! :hsdance: I just realized that I have also used the word 'infant' twice so will change S2L2 to 'newborn'. This is my favorite stanza too. I know I added an extra line there at the end but what the hey!  bunches Liz! :highfive: ~Cleo :ballet: ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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