BRING BACK THE SUN, poem Options

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

A gossamer shield of sadness enfolds me,
With black satin caresses to assure it`s alright,
While notions of darkness disassemble the Sun,
Without pity nor shame for what once was bright.

While lamplight leans on cold chiseled streets,
All dew-dispelled, drunk and sleepy,
The non-sense talkers are quieter now,
The stars are pale, limp and weepy.

Hold fast to the stone-aching archways alligned,
More taciturn than even this moonless night,
Make way for the dreary-eyed passers by,
Like shadowettes staggering from the soft defeated light.

My Summer has passed as fast as my youth,
And Autumn now sleeps on the doorstep below;
Where rain-shaken leaves even pass unseen,
And heart-taken old trees are reluctant to grow.

As I gaze at the cold stable darkness around me,
The skies are all squandered; the hard work is done,
How easy it was to surrender my silence;
What a daunting task to bring back the Sun.  

[Guest__*]

Dear GoTJ

Aha, a first poem posted, so Welcome !

Love the moniker, is there a "story" behind it ?

To the poem. There are a few spellings and puncts, that marr this autumnal and reflective piece. I'll mark * where I suggest a change, but this is YOUR work, so chuck any ideas you don't care for.

Love
Alan

A gossa*mer shield of sadness enfolds me,
With black satin caresses to assure it`s al*right,
While notions of darkness destruct the Sun, (*destroy might be smoother)
Without pity nor shame for what once was bright.

While lamplight leans on cold chiesled streets, (*chiseled)
All dew-dispelled and drunk and sleepy, (*amend to kill one "and")
The non-sense talkers are quieter now,
The stars are pale and limp and weepy. (*ditto)

Hold fast to the stone-aching archways al*igned, (only 1 "l") GREAT line !
More taciturn than even this moonless night,
(*Del) make*(space) way for the dreary-eyed passers by,
Like shadowettes staggering from the soft muted light.

My Summer has passed as fast as my youth,
And Autumn now sleeps on the doorstep below; Another GREAT line !
Where rain-shaken leaves even pass unseen, (meaning of "even" here ?)
And heart-taken old trees are reluctant to grow.

As I look out at the cold stable darkness around me,
The skies are all squandered --- the hard work is done:
How easy it was to surrender my silence;
What a daunting task to bring back the Sun.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Keith!

WELCOME TO MM!

Just wanted to say I enjoyed this - for the imagery and rhythm among toher things.

Do not have the time at present to offer critique, butwill come back!

Cheers!
~Cleo    

[Guest__*]

Greetings Keith. Your spirit walks well in the shadows of the sand.

What part of Ancient Egypt did Tom Joad come from?  I thought I knew most of the guys in the neighbourhood, but that name doesn't raise any sandstorms.

Your poem is softly reflective with undertones of advancing maturity.
The last stanza sums it all up.
There are one or two slips in scansion, but hey! the message and the poetry still comes through.

MM is pretty cool. Watch out for a smooth talking Englishman, a canny Scot and a swinging Australian, and you'll be OK.

A.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi GoTD / Keith

Jolly good to see you here.

I enjoyed your poem and think that it needs very little extra work to be very good indeed. I agree with Alan and Mummy's points.

A few technical corrections - use or reject; As you like it.
Welcome to MM. It has eccentrics of many kinds and a few very normal people. But no one is nasty and most people muck-in to post and crit. (It’s the mucking-out no one likes). How’s the Windy City by the way? Those lakes a bit cool at this time of year?

Some spellings may be different over there so please check before "correcting"!

A gossamer shield of sadness enfolds me,
With black satin caresses to assure it`s alright,
While notions of darkness disassemble the Sun,
Without pity nor shame for what once was bright.

“alright” is not a word. (s/b “all right“)
My spell checker says that it’s is wrong - think you may not have used an actual apostrophe
Glad you used “nor“ - a disappearing word. “or“ is taking over!.

While lamplight leans on cold chiseled streets,
All dew-dispelled, drunk and sleepy,
The non-sense talkers are quieter now,
The stars are pale, limp and weepy.

spelling error: chiselled
Clever use of “cold chisel“.

Hold fast to the stone-aching archways alligned,
More taciturn than even this moonless night,
Make way for the dreary-eyed passers by,
Like shadowettes staggering from the soft muted light.

spelling error: aligned,
“shadowettes” is not a word

My Summer has passed as fast as my youth,
And Autumn now sleeps on the doorstep below;
Where rain-shaken leaves even pass unseen,
And heart-taken old trees are reluctant to grow.

“heart-taken” - great phrase.

As I look out at the cold stable darkness around me,
The skies are all squandered --- the hard work is done:
How easy it was to surrender my silence;
What a daunting task to bring back the Sun.

double dash ??

Regards, James.

[Guest__*]

Dear Jox, and GoTJ

Jox you say "“shadowettes” is not a word", and you are of course quite right, but what then are poets for, if not to MAKE IT a word ? Shadowettes are little, or flimsy, shadows, right, GoTJ ?

So there you have it, shadowettes IS a word.

Jox, by that narrow view, heart-taken, when hyphenated, becomes a word, not a phrase, and is also "not a word", but GoTJ has just made it such !

G, pay little attention to Jox, he is a stickler for imperfection !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Keith, Alan, et al.

I agree entirely - and if you look back over my previous postings you'll find that I make just that that point. In fact, if an established author makes a word or uses an existing word in a new context, the OED will probably make it an entry.

However, I was trying to be helpful by pointing these things out... Keith is quite at liberty to decline any advice, of course.

Now, if he'd broken the correct syllable ratio of some hikau-like sonnet or some other awful crime I'd be down like a ton of bricks - but as it is only linguistic abuse that's fine by me.

I'd just like to correct one thing you said, Alan. I think you misunderstood what shadowettes are (you see the problem; no dictionary entry to check). Actually shadowettes are minitures of Hank Marvin that were very popular in the 1960s. They even did one for the US market that played "FBI" and "Apache".

And heart-taken simply should not be used by poets - best leave that sort of tricky process to cardiologists.

By the way, Alan, shadowettes is not yet a word because it is not in the OED. (I know that, by the same token, most of the Russian, Chinese and French languages are not words, but that's tough.) What you need to do, Keith, is use the word but have lots of your poems published... then they'll put "shadowettes" in the OED.

However, of course I agree with Alan - write anything you like; I do but then I have Alan to tell me I'm wrong!

Anyway I'm off to listen to my Hank Shadowette - he must be worth a fortune now (they no longer make them, you know). Regards to you Keith, Alan, Mummy, Cleo and all Shads fans everywhere (even if no longer living).

James.

[Guest__*]

Remain calm and unflustered Keith. Keep a very tight rein on your emotions and a stiff upper lip. The Oz is yet to come.
I bet when you posted this poem, you thought it was the usual boring 'I love it' sort of place. Yes ?

We will have none of it.
But we all love good poetry.

A

[Guest__*]

Dear Jox

Hank Shadowette - didn't he turn into a miz robot in the restaurant at the end of the universe or something ?

Love
Alan

[Cybele]

Hello Keith,

Lovely to meet to meet you here. A very warm welcome to you and look forward to reading your postings.

Thank you for your email. Look forward to hearing from you re bio.

Have copied this poem and will take it away to read. Back soon with comments.

Love the name  :sun:    

Cheers

Grace

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hello...

I have a sneaking suspicion that earlier in this thread Mummy (quite inadvertently of course) called me an "Englishman"... I was born in England and live in England but... "an Englishman", what an insult!

He who, even in good game,
Does "An Englishman" name
Shall have an outlook bleak -
Dangerous weapon - The Leek!

Alan,

This is the 43rd time you've asked this question in one way or another - and I gave you the answer last time!

Keith, I do hope you're taking notes on MM Etiquette? Don't take others' threads, keep relevent etc. And as for that English Mummy telling you to keep a stiff upper lip, well...

All the best, all round and let's welcome Summer - at least for Arnie!

James.

[Guest__*]

One other point Keith. A minor thing really.
You have not yet selected an Avatar. Which means that if that little light bulb goes out in your picture frame, we will all be sitting in the dark when we visit this thread. It's been such a jolly thread to visit, once we overcame the sombre reflectiveness of your poem, that that would be a pity. After all, we are trying to cheer you up.

How easy it was to surrender my silence;
What a daunting task to bring back the Sun.  

Daunting indeed, but together, we will do it.
Trust me. I know of such things.

A

[Guest_Jox_*]

Thanks for pointing that out, Mummy.

I was under the mistaken impression that GoTJ's avatar was MM's Ghost Avatar No.6. However, as that is all-white it is quite a problem distinguishing it from nowt. Now, if the avatar could be persuaded to "Woo-ooh" from time to time we'd instantly know the difference. So, audio-visual avatars... anybody wish to tell us what theirs sounds like. Mine is a green swirl - as heard so often after a rather heavy curry.

Keith, I really think you ought to pop back here and say something. We're all missing you and grasping (gasping?) at the proverbial straws now... Surprise us by admitting that your poem was about jam butties or some such? Or just say "Hello" again. You know that you have a responsive and intelligent audience.

James.

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

Hello Everyone!!

Oooops, I gotta run........GoTJ

P.S. As soon as I figure out how this works, I will be back. And what is an Avatar????......Never heard of that one before.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Sillies!  :laugh:

Hi Keith!

An avatar is the picture that appears below your name. We have a wide variety here (along with the emoticons at left).

You would go into your control panel - and into personal info - then the second link UNDER your name is Avatar options. View the choices and select one....

 :sun:

HUGAROOOS!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Guest__*]

I will be back

He speaks!  

Well done ghostly one. That's the spirit.

Y'all hurry on back now. :costume:

A