Carried Away To Discover Dreams Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Splashing fountain and rustling leaves create a symphony in nature.
   
    Droplets from the fountain, kissed by the sun, glisten like tiny diamonds dropping into the water beneath.  They create their own special rhythm as they drip, drop into the pond and when blended with the soft rustling whisper of the leaves overhead they play their own unique song.  Rays of sun kiss my cheeks and wrap me in their warmth while whispering winds caress me with the softest touch.  Gently rolling hills covered with swaying grasses and wildflowers, urge me to discover what's over the next rise, for nature has created a rainbow of color that reaches as far as I can imagine.
   
    I'm carried to a place where my dreams abound, a place like this filled with sunshine and laughter, love and contentment, and feelings of innocent passion.  My heart is filled with love.  My soul set afire and my spirit as free as the birds up above. The wind whispers of beautiful things to come if I open my heart to see them.  
 
    Facing a new day of dreams is like climbing that gentle hill to discover what's on the other side.


~Cathy Bollhoefer~

[Guest_Cailean_*]

Reads well, evocative and flowing as a piece of prose. However, the break in the text after the first line is a bit jarring, also I dislike the term "lullaby of sound" - surely there is no other kind? If it was a "lullaby of scent" or a "lullaby of sight" it would differ from the norm, therefore requiring clarification, in this sense, it's redundant.

By all means change it in concept to anything else, but "lullaby of sound" doesn't work for me, heh :)

But in any case, well written indeed, I'm only bringing this up to make it shine even more brightly than it did before! :)

Welcome to Stonehenge.

Cailean.

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Cathy,
this makes you want to break out in song and sing "oh what a beautiful
morning" from the musical.
Lush imagery.
Larry

[Charon]

Cathy,

You took me back to a place of my youth.  A time ago, in late March, I laid down in the backyard and just watched and listened to the sounds of the world.  We lived far enough out of town there were no sounds of mechanical beasts any where near.  The clouds were so white floating on their see of blue.  Birds were just starting to arrive for an early spring and were so full of life.  

I truly enjoyed that moment when I was a young lad of twelve, I must have lain there for over an hour or so.  My mother came out to see if something was wrong.  

Thanks for taking me back.  No crits, just enjoyment.

Charon

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks to everyone for your comments.  I changed the 'lullaby of sound' to a 'symphony in nature'.  It sounds better now.  Thanks again!

Cathy

[Guest_Cailean_*]

That sounds great - good stuff :)

Cailean.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.  

This is a calming piece and I enjoyed being in this place. You could also make this first person if you wanted to? I have a few suggestions on paragraph formats and I will also post the 'first person' version as well for your review. I've deleted most of your commas too...

Cheers!
~Cleo  

Splashing fountain and rustling leaves create a symphony in nature.

  Droplets from the fountain kissed by the sun glisten like tiny diamonds dropping into the water beneath.  They create their own special rhythm as they drip, drop into the pond and when blended with the soft rustling whisper of the leaves overhead, they play their own unique song.  

   Rays of sun kiss your cheeks and wrap you in their warmth while whispering winds caress you with the softest touch.  Gently rolling hills covered with swaying grasses and wildflowers, urge you to discover what's over the next rise. for Nature has created a rainbow of color that reaches as far as you can imagine.

   You're carried to a place where your dreams abound, a place like this filled with sunshine and laughter, love and contentment, and feelings of innocent passion.  

   Your heart is filled with love, soul set afire and the spirit is free as the birds up above.  The wind whispers of beautiful things to come if your heart is open to see them.  Facing a new day of dreams is like climbing that gentle hill to discover what's on the other side.

Now the first person version:

Splashing fountain and rustling leaves create a symphony in nature.

Droplets from the fountain kissed by the sun glisten like tiny diamonds dropping into the water beneath.  They create their own special rhythm as they drip, drop into the pond and when blended with the soft rustling whisper of the leaves overhead, they play their own unique song.  

Rays of sun kiss my cheeks wrapping me in their warmth while whispering winds caress with the softest touch. Gently rolling hills covered with swaying grasses and wildflowers urge me to discover what's over the next rise. Nature has created a rainbow of color that reaches as far as I can imagine.

I'm carried to a place where my dreams abound, a place like this filled with sunshine and laughter, love and contentment and feelings of innocent passion.  

My heart is filled with love. My soul is set afire and my spirit is as free as the birds up above.  The wind whispers of beautiful things to come as my heart is open to see them.  

Facing a new day of dreams is like climbing that gentle hill to discover what's on the other side.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

It was written in first person originally but someone told me I shouldn't write using "I" or "me".  I revised it after that even though I like it better in first person.  Oh well, go figure!  I'm going to start standing with my gut instincts.  lol        Thanks for taking the time to comment !  I appreciate it!

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

It was written in first person originally but someone told me I shouldn't write using "I" or "me".  I revised it after that even though I like it better in first person.  Oh well, go figure!  I'm going to start standing with my gut instincts.  lol        Thanks for taking the time to comment !  I appreciate it!

Cathy

I don't know who told you that but "I" always say, "Write what you feel, to please YOURSELF...  

Cheers!
~Cleo  

[Ephiny]

Hi Cathy

This is just beautiful..it draws the reader in and makes us think of places we've loved, or places like this that we dream about.  For that reason, I think to write it in the first person is a great idea..it makes it more personal somehow but either way, it's a pleasure to read and absorb the lovely descriptions and images.

My favourite part is

You're carried to a place where your dreams abound, a place like this filled with sunshine and laughter, love and contentment, and feelings of innocent passion.  Your heart is filled with love, soul set afire and the spirit is free as the birds up above.  The wind whispers of beautiful things to come if your heart is open to see them.  Facing a new day of dreams is like climbing that gentle hill to discover what's on the other side.

So full of hope and promise..very uplifting!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Lucie!  I'm glad you enjoyed this piece.

Cathy