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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms _ Man From Bolling (Revision)

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood May 26 09, 20:50

Man from Bolling (Revision)

There once was an old man from Bolling
who loved to go down the street strolling.
With his purse in hand
and a fandango fan,
he set all his neighbors' eyes rolling.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

Man from Bolling

There once was an old man from Bolling
who loved to go down the street strolling.
He had lipstick in hand
and a fandango fan.
All who saw him felt their eyes rolling.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 28 09, 20:53

Too funny Peggy!

My only issue is your closing line. While one can certainly feel their eyes rolling, would one say it? I suggest a re-work of that line - perhaps incorporating 'audience' or 'crowd' in there instead? I would think they couldn't resist rolling their eyes, more so than feeling them roll.

Cheers
~Cleo

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood May 28 09, 23:50

Hi Cleo,

Thanks for the excellent idea!! Is it any better now or would "sent" be better than "set"?

Peggy

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 29 09, 05:29

Much better Peggy!

YAY for you!

~Cleo

Posted by: Larry May 29 09, 17:35

Hey Peggy,

I think I knew a guy like that once. Very weird dude!

Here is another last line you might ponder: "Those watching now needed consoling"

Larry

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood May 30 09, 20:22

Hi Larry,

Thank you for reading, commenting and suggesting an alternate last line!! Ha!! Ha!! I really like your line, but do think I'll keep the one I've got.

Great to run into you on the boards!!!

Peggy

Posted by: merle May 31 09, 03:24

Very entertaining!
There's a man who strolls around my neighborhood in dresses and combat boots.
Life is interesting.
A great read for me.

Merle

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Jun 5 09, 10:12

Hi merle,

Thanks for reading!!! This world certainly has some funny characters in it, doesn't it?
Ha!!!

Peggy