The Land Rejoices...revised, Rondeau Options

[heartsong7]

My first attempt at a Rondeau written last year and recently revamped. I'd love some feedback on this newest version.

revision:

The land rejoices, soaked by rain
that drenches thirsty soil again.
Then overnight fresh green appears,
as if by magic, quelling fears
we could have lost our fields of grain.

We hear each musical refrain
of raindrops falling on the plain.
With rolling thunder sounding cheers,
the land rejoices.

As water trickles down the drain,
we watch it wash away our strain
and worry of these past two years.
Behold the sight of happy tears
that streak our cheeks with red-clay stain.
The land rejoices.




original
The land rejoices soaking rain
to saturate the soil again.
Then overnight fresh green appears,
as if by magic, quelling fears
we may have lost our fields of grain.

We hear the gentle, sweet refrain
of raindrops falling on the plain.
With rolling thunder sounding cheers,
the land rejoices.

As water trickles down the drain,
we watch it wash away the strain
and worry of the past two years.
Behold the sight of happy tears
that streak our cheeks with dusty stain.
The land rejoices.


The French rondeau is 15 lines long and consists of 3 stanzas: a quintet, a quatrain, and a sestet, in that order. The rhyming scheme is: aabba/aabR/aabbaR. Lines 9 and 15 are short, a refrain ® consisting of a phrase of the first line, thus, they are shorter than all the rest of the lines of the poem, which are all the same length.

[jgdittier]

Dear Sue,
Here at MM where there is considerable dedication to polishing, there may be an uprising among the membership if a few dull spots don't remain! Except for adding an exclamation mark at the end, I wouldn't dare propose any other change as they would be so insignificant.
I'd much rather say to you and all who read this that it sings. While all poetry that sings isn't necessarily good poetry, I think that if that were the poet's intent, then it's excellent poetry.I just wish I knew the tune!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

I agree with Ron, Sue.

This one - no nits from my vantage point!

Well done!
~Cleo

[Merlin]

Great to read a rondeau again, Sue. Well reined in, too.

The sun now shines in Lotusland
and we all think that this is grand,
much like your rondeau posted here
for all of us to read and cheer,
not one complaint that it’s too bland.
The sun now shines.

We're enjoying the heatwave currently happening. Luvit!

Merlin

[heartsong7]

Ron, Lori and Merlin...
Such charming comments from you all. Thank you very kindly.
Luv your mini ronnie, Merlin

It's such a joy to hear from y'all
and share our poetry. I call
my muse but she's AWOL* I fear;
so I'll revise some poems here.
Write on, dear poets, have a ball.
It's such a joy!

* absent without leave

Best to everyone.
Sue

[Michelle]

Applause! This is a lovely poem, Sue. This sounds so fluid. It a joy to read. I have no nits with this either. Great writing.

my best to you,

Michelle

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Sue,

I agree... this absolutely sings. I just have one teeny comment...

The land rejoices soaking rain
to saturate the soil again.
Then overnight fresh green appears,
as if by magic, quelling fears
we may have lost our fields of grain.

The last line makes it sound as if you still might lose the grain. With the 'magic' and 'quelling fears' that obviously isn't the case so I was wondering if 'we could have lost our fields of grain' would work?

Enjoyed the song!

Cathy

[heartsong7]

Hi Michelle and Cathy,
I do appreciate your kind words of praise for this.... music to my ears.
Cathy... good call on "may" in the last line. I'll change to "could"
Thank you, ladies.
Sue

[AMETHYST]

Oh Sue ... This does sing. And tonight is a perfect night for me to be reading it. As we've been on Water Restrictions now for a little more than a month or two and hadn't had any rain, leaving everyone's lawn brown tipped and dying. Your first stanza paints that, both the physical description of the dryness drinking up the rain water and awakening in the morning to revived, resurrected green grass. Isn't it amazing. But also, the inner worries the drought causes within us. Excellent opening stanza.

Some thoughts to follow, but there isn't really much to nit pick at! :)

Hugs, Liz ...

(PS I wish any of my Rondeau's were as wonderful as your first...) I hope you continued on with the Form and have a whole file on them!

The land rejoices soaking rain
to saturate the soil again.
Then overnight fresh green appears,
as if by magic, quelling fears
we may have lost our fields of grain.

We hear the gentle, sweet refrain
of raindrops falling on the plain.
With rolling thunder sounding cheers,
the land rejoices.

This is a lullaby. The words just sway into the air and linger. The word choices help to create that soft, wonderful feeling. Nicely done. No nits.

As water trickles down the drain,
we watch it wash away the strain
and worry of the past two years.
Behold the sight of happy tears
that streak our cheeks with dusty stain.
The land rejoices.

The only nit I have here in the final stanza is the many 'the's ... Maybe in L2, could be ...

we watch it wash away our strain
and worry of these past two years.
Behonld the sight of happy tears
...

LOVE THAT FINAL LINE! :)

This is perfect ... and heart warming ... and brings hope with the sounds of rain smacking the windows... it is the sound of music! :)

Hugs, Liz

[Mary Boren]

Nice one, Sue. This form is calling to me.

Coupla things:

The land rejoices soaking rain

Unless I'm misreading, a comma is needed after rejoices.

We hear the gentle, sweet refrain

I understand why you want softness here, but please, anything but "gentle, sweet."

Behold the sight of happy tears
that streak our cheeks with dusty stain.

Dust washes away pretty easily, so "stain" doesn't feel like the right word here. If I didn't know better, I might think it was rhyme-driven.

Keep 'em comin',

Mary

[jgdittier]

Dear Sue,
Rondeaus that sing are always worth a repeat performance and verse that with a powerful positive conclusion will always draw me back to repeat the happy thought, and so How can I resist!
My comments relate to the revision.
Question- which is more important here, the sound and flow of the piece or the clarity of its message?
For me, I like my poetry to remind me of music and of all the forms of poetry, to me the rondeau does just that. Focussing then on "may" vs. "could" leaves me speaking the line, hoping to hear some difference. For me it's close, I go for the "m" sound over the slightly harsher "c" sound by maybe 60-40.
In that the "m" was there first and in that the line occurs early in the piece, I think the reader can conclude that the grain was saved. It really is a pretty small matter.
Another thought occurs over the "the"s. I admit to being that differently colored horse, but someone once wrote about the relative emphasis given a "da" vs a "dum". When I started this hobby, I might scan a line as being made up of only -= "da", /= "dum". It's suggested that we really should differentiate more the emphasis given to our das and dums. If relative emphasis were noted by 1,2,3,4, we'd be able to manage somewhat how impactive the poem's beat might be. "The" would be a 1 and so if the dum was relatively weak, as a 3, by combining it with a 1 its sound would be enhanced. Thus I sometimes prefer thes because I'm writing to achieve a sing-song effect. I write LIGHT VERSE!
I've mentioned the above primarily because the hunting season on thes seems year-round and I like the little critters.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[heartsong7]

Hi Liz...Thanks so much for stopping to read and share your thoughts on this. I'm pleased it pleases.
I like your cure for too many "the's" and will incorporate it.
We're short rain here too (Ohio), but not to the drought stage... yet. I was visiting my dad in Gainesville, Florida a few weeks ago... and the smoke from wild fires in Georgia and north Florida was breath-taking (literally) A tropical storm could be a blessing there, but I'm careful what I wish for along those lines.

Take care.
Sue

Mornin' Mary...
I'm with your observations on L1 and as to "gentle, sweet" (ewww, what was I thinking?)

as to this:

Dust washes away pretty easily, so "stain" doesn't feel like the right word here. If I didn't know better, I might think it was rhyme-driven.

"rhyme-driven"?...moi? oh no, never! (wink)
Yes, dust is easily washed away. You know, how when your face is covered with dust and you cry, the tears will wash the dust away and leave streaks where they fell?... that's what I intended here.
But maybe that's not coming through. How about "red-clay stain"

Thank you taking time to offer a few nudges.
I'm on it.
Take care.
Sue