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Posted by: bbnixon Mar 22 07, 16:43

Hi All,

Here is one perhaps more traditional than my last, would love everyones honest opinion.

:) brenda

Midnight Sun (version 4-tweaked on 5-20-07)

Shafts of light
pour down into white.
I sup on the absence
of color.
The silver wolf and I
feel the pull of the
moon calling us.

We howl.

Its ripe face chases us
from darkness into the lake
where cool still waters
mirror ashen bark.
My hand traces its glow,
a cup of moon spills through my fingers;
Ripples of sapphire, reflection of stars.

fae skimming water.

This is my magic place-
where at the age ten and one
I answered the call of the moon;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptised in crystal waters. I cover myself
in a twinkling blanket of light.

One summer solstice
I became the watcher of a world
with many suns. Orange and violet
dance across the horizon.
The sun never rests.

Breaking all the rules

Posted by: Merlin Mar 22 07, 23:46

Hello BB,

I'm nobody's expert in this field, but in order to expand my own horizon, I'll be generous in my comments. Firstly, I'm from the old school where they still used punctuation. I find it a most beneficial tool in guiding the reader - in your case with the absence of all but 2 commas, I completely got lost several times. That causes me to lose interest as well. However, it's everyone's choice how to present their work.

Since this is a new area for me, I've done a lot of reading and researching to become informed. Line breaks seem to play a very important part in fv, especially since the structure is tossed away. You've broken some in places that make no sense to me; perhaps you could shed some light. Here >> paper white bark reflections , you break between bark and reflections, which seem to be a single item to me and better presented together. A different break would read better to me, such as
surrounded by
paper white bark reflections
in the still cool water
or something akin.

One thing I learned over in the R & M classroom is to watch the proliferation of "th" sounds, especially putting too many "the" into a line. I really try to keep that article to a bare minimum, and finding more than 1 per line catches my eye immediately. One has so many bits of color available to bring life into a writing, instead of resorting to the the the.

There tis.

Merlin

Posted by: bbnixon Mar 23 07, 04:56

Hi Merlin,

Thank you, you are so right. A bad habit of mine, the punctuation less poem, as I have been slowly migrating form punctuating (likely badly)...to punctuation-less. Perhaps I need to reconsider. I also appreciate the the....comments, as perhaps I rushed this one, to post. I am going to try to fix some of those issues right now. Thank you very much for the read, I always appreciate honest feedback, and to be kept on my toes.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

:) brenda

Posted by: AMETHYST Mar 26 07, 09:42

Hi Brenda,

The changes are great! The poem is powerful. I especially thought that first line is a hook, the concept of loving the lack of something is marvelous. Some thoughts to follow I do hope something left helps - I have been meaning to stop in, it seems everytime I start something draws me away.

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Mar 27 07, 10:26

Hi Brenda

This has a kind of mysterious feel which I enjoyed. I feel you could trim a little in places, perhaps rearranging words.


I am in love with [the] colour's absence
[of color.]
Shafts of pure light
pouring down into the white.
I feel the moons pull.
I and the silver wolf

howl.

The full moon follows us
from darkness into the lake.
Paper white bark reflects
in [the] still cool water.
My hand traces the moon,
a cup of moon spills[ing] through my fingers.
[Ripples of water] water ripples,
reflecting stars

fae skimming water.

This is my magic place
where it all began
at the age of ten and one.
I became one with the moon
the mountains, the water and
the stars.

Perhaps for L1
This place is where the magic began

I presume ten and one mean eleven. I think it's better to say eleven and avoid the repeat of one in the following line.


The ending would sound better without all the 'the's -- but better still bring some descriptions in as well.

I become one with the moon,
mountains, water and stars

or
I become one with the glowing
moon and stars,
the water lapping at the mountains edge.


On the summers solstice
in this magic place
I laid atop a camper.
A world with many suns,
orange and violet dance
across the horizon.
Watching ]the] as sun never sets.

Love the colours described here

Breaking all the rules


I hope I've been of some help -- if not just ignore.

Snow

Posted by: bbnixon Mar 28 07, 06:09

Hi Liz and Snow,

Thank you both for your wonderful comments, I have had a sick daughter, and my boss is out of town, so I am doing two jobs this week, so I am behind in repsonding to comments, and critiquing others work. I believe when I sit down to get this revision done, perhaps tonight...I will use most of the comments, strophe 3 needs a major rewrtie, and have put my subconscious on trying to locate images for the moon, water, mountains, and stars ...hopefully my subconscious is doing a good job...and when I sit down tonight, the images will be right at my fingertips...I am keeping my fingers crossed.

Hope you both have a wonderful day....

:) brenda

Posted by: AMETHYST Mar 28 07, 09:30

Hi Brenda, I hope everything is ok with your daughter and it isn't anything serious. Take your time we will keep an eye out for any revisions to give further feedback! I enjoyed this! Thank you...


Best Wishes, Liz

Posted by: Peterpan Mar 28 07, 11:08

Hi Brenda~

LOVED the poem. I see there are a few crits, most of which I agree with. The overall content and approach of the poem is clever bringing the real and the unreal (fae - or that is a matter of opinion, I suppose, ) and the past all into one thought and vision. Well done!

I look forward to your edited version, and take care of that daughter! Hope she gets better soon.

Thank you for sharing this one. The moon is very special to me. I have written a lot of poems on the moon.

PP

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Mar 28 07, 11:48

Hi Brenda.

I look forward to critiquing this one later in the week.....

See ya then!
~Cleo

Posted by: bbnixon Mar 31 07, 06:37

PP and Cleo,

Thank you so much for the read. PP, I too love the moon, and it has gotten quite a bit of pen time from me. I am glad you enjoyed it. I have made some additions/changes based on what Eisa/Liz recommended, and completely rewrote strophe 3, I am hoping this revision works. Thanks to everyone for asking about my daughter, she is well now and back to being a moody teenage girl, she is much sweeter when she is sick....but I have been told this stage passes and soon I won't be so stupid or embarrassing to her. I am hoping that is true. I believe her to be mostly perfect of course but at nearly 14, she is a rose with thorns. Cleo, I look forward to your critique.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

:) brenda

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 8 07, 17:00

Hi Brenda.

I enjoyed your midnight sun and the imagination behind this fantasy world. I jotted down some alternates beneath each of your stanzas just to give you some food for thought - switching around the lines, words in most cases.

As always, please take or toss as you wish.
Cheers!

~Cleo

Posted by: bbnixon Apr 16 07, 06:49

Hi Lori,

I somehow missed your comments earlier, sorry for the late response. I think I need to make a few more edits based on your comments and I might consider this one done. Thank you for the read and the comments, hope your day is very good.

:) brenda

Posted by: AMETHYST Apr 16 07, 09:56

Hey Brenda,

I am smiling at your revisions. Because although slight changes, they all improve the poem, and don't change anything in meaning, metaphor and you lose nothing in the process. Good revision.

Some minor thoughts to consider although nothing really that stands out as awkward. Best Wishes,

Liz

Posted by: bbnixon May 7 07, 07:02

Hi Liz,

I revised again using both yours and Loris comments...Curious what everyone thinks....played around with the presentation on the page too... I made myself a goal of revising everything I have posted....I think in total there are five poems...we will see how I do..Thank you for staying with me on this one....perhaps I am close?

Hope you have a wonderful day..

:) brenda

Posted by: Kathy May 7 07, 10:28

I remember this! Where have I seen it before? Brenda, were you at Maelstrom? Eratosphere?

I think you've improved it since then.

I don't usually like centred arrangements but in this case I reckon it looks more compact, shorter and therefore more readable.

Will come back and have another look later.

K

Posted by: bbnixon May 7 07, 11:40

Hi Kathy,

Nope...to Maelstrom, Eratosphere....I have only posted on my website....here...and I used if for one of the earlier revisions...for my poem a day...at poets.org...during April...that is it...you prolly saw it here....

I was playing with the centering....not sold either way...look forward to your future look.

:) brenda

I remember this! Where have I seen it before? Brenda, were you at Maelstrom? Eratosphere?

I think you've improved it since then.

I don't usually like centred arrangements but in this case I reckon it looks more compact, shorter and therefore more readable.

Will come back and have another look later.

K

Posted by: Kathy May 7 07, 11:58

Nope, never been to Poets.org A mystery.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 7 07, 19:20

Now this is really much improved Brenda!



I also prefer the centering shape now. I have a few nits in this stanza:

One summers solstice
I became the watcher of
a world with many suns, orange
and violet dance across the horizon.
The sun never sets.

Delete that 's' in summers. I also think you need to either add 'where' before orange or change that comma in L3 to a semi-colon or endstop - it doesn't quite read as one complete thought at the moment? I became the watcher .... then orange and violet dance across the horizon - they appear to be two separate thoughts?

Whatcha think?

~Cleo

Posted by: bbnixon May 7 07, 20:31

Hi Lori,

Thanks for the read and the kind words...I fixed the punctuation, and I changed sets to rests...works better or not?..Like your lily picture...very cool beans...i took this one yesterday...might be one of my favorite...

Hope you have a wonderful day

:) brenda

Posted by: Arnfinn May 8 07, 05:35

Hi brenda,

Hmm... a familiar name.


Reading your poem I imagine North of Alaska... Waaay up ^.

So, the scene-is-set


Midnight Sun (version 3-tweaked on 5-07-07)

Sometimes, Brenda, I'm severe, I hope you don't mind.

Shafts of pure light >>> Delete 'pure'. Pure in a poetry context is a definition of water. 'Shafts of light pour down into white' is like an explosion. The adjective 'pure' is not needed, it is excessive and detracts and meets my eye like a before-thought.
pour down into white.

Take Tennyson's. 'The Charge Of The Light Brigade.'

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

What a great start to verse poetry.

Note, the charge, full of action; except for one other feature: 'the valley'. No wasted adjectives here.


I am in love with the absence
of color. <<< A great line (singlet) very good except for 'I'm in love' maybe more imagination, Brenda. One thing you've got to keep in the back of your mind is one day you will become famous, you want your poem to reach it's pinnacle 'I am in love' may let you down

The silver wolf and I
feel the pull of the
moon calling us. <<< Now, this is good. This is pure Brenda, this is original. Everything you've said grips the reader as poetry.

We howl. <<< Ha, an infinity, good, very good, gal. Another cross on the wall for the sake poetry.


Its ripe face chases us
from darkness into the lake
where ashen bark reflects
cool, still waters.<<< Whooee, good mind imagery here for me Brenda.
My hand traces its glow,<<< Why singular? 'My hands traces the glow,'

a cup of moon spills through my fingers;
Ripples on water, reflecting stars.<<< THIS POINT in your poem is beautiful. this is the best part I've read , so far. 'a cup of moon spills through my fingers; ripples on water, reflecting stars.' A Disney Land graphic. A cartoon at it's best.


fae skimming water.


This is my magic place-
where at the age ten and one
I answered the call of the moon;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptized in crystal waters and <<< 'baptised'.
covered by a blanket of stars. <<< the use of 'stars' again might be overdone. 'baptised in lucent waters and covered by a blanket of crystal.'


One summer solstice
I became the watcher of a world
with many suns. Orange and violet
dance across the horizon.
The sun never rests. <<< Mate, this is very good. This is a statement full of emotion, exhilaration and realisation of life.

Breaking all the rules


Top of 'the range' poem Brenda.




Regards,


John

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 8 07, 05:45

Hi Brenda.

Nice adjustments once again - the little tweaks can really make all the difference, don't they?

Thanks for commenting on my Oriental Lily - I took that one last summer from one of our flower beds on the far side of our house. Your photo inspired me to make it my avatar. What a LOVELY photo of blue - what is the flower? You're very good with the camera!

Now that you've made one more revision - I do like the changes to the end more. COOL! I've one new mention to make here:

Ripples on water, reflecting stars.

fae skimming water.

Since 'water' is mentioned so closely (and a third just after the 'fae' line), how about changing one of them to another word, like:

Ripples on sapphire (or cobalt), gleaming stars. (since reflect is also used more than once).

fae skimming water.

BBS (be back soon)
~Cleo

Posted by: bbnixon May 8 07, 13:25

Hi John,


Perhaps...Brenda is familiar....I used to think it rather uncommon, but lately I keep bumping into my own name.

I have been trying to place if we know each other from another board...if we do, you will have to help me out...because I have been going crazy trying to place the "where" so far I know 4 Johns on other boards..none of which match the same basic profiles as yours....it has been driving me insane all morning ....I have historically posted on Splash, and Poets (mostly threads) and PenShells.

Hi brenda,

Hmm... a familiar name.


Reading your poem I imagine North of Alaska... Waaay up ^.

So, the scene-is-set

You found me out...I lived in Alaska from 1969-1975... my Dad lives in Anchorage now, he retired there. I take my daughter most summers...this summer we are planning to go back to the place in this poem...it is near near Fairbanks where I grew up...I am quite excited...

Midnight Sun (version 3-tweaked on 5-07-07)

Sometimes, Brenda, I'm severe, I hope you don't mind.

Shafts of pure light >>> Delete 'pure'. Pure in a poetry context is a definition of water. 'Shafts of light pour down into white' is like an explosion. The adjective 'pure' is not needed, it is excessive and detracts and meets my eye like a before-thought.
pour down into white.

Take Tennyson's. 'The Charge Of The Light Brigade.'

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

What a great start to verse poetry.

Note, the charge, full of action; except for one other feature: 'the valley'. No wasted adjectives here.


I am in love with the absence
of color. <<< A great line (singlet) very good except for 'I'm in love' maybe more imagination, Brenda. One thing you've got to keep in the back of your mind is one day you will become famous, you want your poem to reach it's pinnacle 'I am in love' may let you down

Thanks for the Tennysons...and the poetry 101, as I never know for sure what words are considered poetic symbols other than a few of the more obvious ones...Is there a book? This makes me laugh....I can not imagine that someday I will be famous...but I like the removal of "pure" , I have to think about the "I am in love", a more imagitive one doesn't bubble up yet...but I am still pondering..

The silver wolf and I
feel the pull of the
moon calling us. <<< Now, this is good. This is pure Brenda, this is original. Everything you've said grips the reader as poetry.

We howl. <<< Ha, an infinity, good, very good, gal. Another cross on the wall for the sake poetry.


Its ripe face chases us
from darkness into the lake
where ashen bark reflects
cool, still waters.<<< Whooee, good mind imagery here for me Brenda.
My hand traces its glow,<<< Why singular? 'My hands traces the glow,'

a cup of moon spills through my fingers;
Ripples on water, reflecting stars.<<< THIS POINT in your poem is beautiful. this is the best part I've read , so far. 'a cup of moon spills through my fingers; ripples on water, reflecting stars.' A Disney Land graphic. A cartoon at it's best.


May stick with hand singular, as i think of kneeling by a lake with one hand in the water...except I use cup of moon, and generally hands cupped as in plural...will think....too Disney? wasn't what I was going for..just how it was in my memory..
fae skimming water.


This is my magic place-
where at the age ten and one
I answered the call of the moon;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptized in crystal waters and <<< 'baptised'.
covered by a blanket of stars. <<< the use of 'stars' again might be overdone. 'baptised in lucent waters and covered by a blanket of crystal.'

Will think on this...the stars...I love stars...I miss the stars of my youth...nights so clear the stars so thick..I live in a large city now...and we are within a light dome..meaning we can't see the stars...so on a good night I might can only see 15 stars...will fix the spelling and am thinking on lucent....I am a little partial to crystal...as in Alaska the streams are rock bottomed, and in still water you can see your toes!! Here in Texas we have mud bottom lakes...
perhaps
crystal water and twinkling blanket of light.

One summer solstice
I became the watcher of a world
with many suns. Orange and violet
dance across the horizon.
The sun never rests. <<< Mate, this is very good. This is a statement full of emotion, exhilaration and realisation of life.

Breaking all the rules


Top of 'the range' poem Brenda.




Regards,


John

Posted by: bbnixon May 8 07, 13:31

Hi Lori,

I love the Lily. I have some white ones. The daisy my favorite flower, this daisy in particular I planted in memory of a loved one, it has bloomed 3 summers, always red.

I am thinking on yours and John suggestons...am going to let them settle a day or two. I generally hate to revise...but I think I am close to done and I want to let it all sit for a day or two....and look at it with a fresh eye...

The flower is an iris...I think I may be able to put another picture here for you...this one the entire flower, I was trying to catch the wind blowing the flower in the other photo..

Hope your day is good

:) brenda

Posted by: Arnfinn May 14 07, 06:18

Hi John,


Perhaps...Brenda is familiar....I used to think it rather uncommon, but lately I keep bumping into my own name.

I have been trying to place if we know each other from another board...if we do, you will have to help me out...because I have been going crazy trying to place the "where" so far I know 4 Johns on other boards..none of which match the same basic profiles as yours....it has been driving me insane all morning ....I have historically posted on Splash, and Poets (mostly threads) and PenShells.


No, Brenda I don't think so... TCP poetry site, had a Brenda, a poet whom I interacted with, Today's Woman has a Brenda, and so on.

An unusual name, Brenda, unusual yes, but for some reason Brenda's seem to pop up in the wake of my navigation though the rough and tumble of life and poetry. Perhaps, I should dedicate a poem to Brenda? Maybe, write a poem about the good ship Brenda? When I was drafted into National Service many years ago I trained in the use of a machine carbine built in Czechoslovakia called a 'Bren Gun' that was so accurate that, the gun, would put five hundred rounds a minute through the same hole, so to compensate they ( the government armoury had to make the gun inaccurate). Then in my youth, (hmm... my bald head, had curly ringlets then) I was romantically involved a with a Brenda. So, I'm well assured, that some time, somewhere... there won't be a candid camera, but assuredly, a Brenda.


RRRETRO***


*Hi brenda,

Hmm... a familiar name.


Reading your poem I imagine North of Alaska... Waaay up ^.

So, the scene-is-set

You found me out...I lived in Alaska from 1969-1975... my Dad lives in Anchorage now, he retired there. I take my daughter most summers...this summer we are planning to go back to the place in this poem...it is near near Fairbanks where I grew up...I am quite excited...

Midnight Sun (version 3-tweaked on 5-07-07)


Wonderful Brenda. I knew your poem was a documentary. I find first hand knowledge is an incentive to bring out the best in us all.



Sometimes, Brenda, I'm severe, I hope you don't mind.

Shafts of pure light >>> Delete 'pure'. Pure in a poetry context is a definition of water. 'Shafts of light pour down into white' is like an explosion. The adjective 'pure' is not needed, it is excessive and detracts and meets my eye like a before-thought.
pour down into white.

Take Tennyson's. 'The Charge Of The Light Brigade.'

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

What a great start to verse poetry.

Note, the charge, full of action; except for one other feature: 'the valley'. No wasted adjectives here.


I am in love with the absence
of color. <<< A great line (singlet) very good pinkpanther.gif except for 'I'm in love' maybe more imagination, Brenda. One thing you've got to keep in the back of your mind is one day you will become famous, you want your poem to reach it's pinnacle 'I am in love' may let you down

Thanks for the Tennysons...and the poetry 101, as I never know for sure what words are considered poetic symbols other than a few of the more obvious ones...Is there a book? This makes me laugh....I can not imagine that someday I will be famous...but I like the removal of "pure" , I have to think about the "I am in love", a more imagitive one doesn't bubble up yet...but I am still pondering..


Hmmm.... We'll see what eventuates.


The silver wolf and I
feel the pull of the
moon calling us. <<< Now, this is good. This is pure Brenda, this is original. Everything you've said grips the reader as poetry.

We howl. <<< Ha, an infinity, good, very good, gal. Another cross on the wall for the sake poetry.


Its ripe face chases us
from darkness into the lake
where ashen bark reflects
cool, still waters.<<< Whooee, good mind imagery here for me Brenda.
My hand traces its glow,<<< Why singular? 'My hands traces the glow,'

a cup of moon spills through my fingers;
Ripples on water, reflecting stars.<<< THIS POINT in your poem is beautiful. this is the best part I've read , so far. 'a cup of moon spills through my fingers; ripples on water, reflecting stars.' A Disney Land graphic. A cartoon at it's best.


May stick with hand singular, as i think of kneeling by a lake with one hand in the water...except I use cup of moon, and generally hands cupped as in plural...will think....too Disney? wasn't what I was going for..just how it was in my memory..
fae skimming water.


This is my magic place-
where at the age ten and one
I answered the call of the moon;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptized in crystal waters and <<< 'baptised'.
covered by a blanket of stars. <<< the use of 'stars' again might be overdone. 'baptised in lucent waters and covered by a blanket of crystal.'

Will think on this...the stars...I love stars...I miss the stars of my youth...nights so clear the stars so thick..I live in a large city now...and we are within a light dome..meaning we can't see the stars...so on a good night I might can only see 15 stars...will fix the spelling and am thinking on lucent....I am a little partial to crystal...as in Alaska the streams are rock bottomed, and in still water you can see your toes!! Here in Texas we have mud bottom lakes...
perhaps
crystal water and twinkling blanket of light.



I know where I'd like to be.


One summer solstice
I became the watcher of a world
with many suns. Orange and violet
dance across the horizon.
The sun never rests. <<< Mate, this is very good. This is a statement full of emotion, exhilaration and realisation of life.

Breaking all the rules



I'm waiting for the revision.

Regards,


John

Posted by: Judi May 14 07, 07:04

Posted by: bbnixon May 17 07, 17:21

Hi John,

Thanks for stopping back by..and for letting me know I was not crazy, yes I believe before I started participating in poetry forums, I had only met 2 other Brendas, and lately I am tripping on my own name....and for the encouragement...

I am stuck on the Im in Love with...line...

Te end of year things that come along with 13 year old girls are keeping Mom busy...I am a girl scout leader and we have had a a banquet and a mom and daughter lock in, and my daughter has had band concerts, symphonic band tryouts, extra band practices, off season volleyball, and semester finals, I have been brushing up on my Algebra I lately and lastly...my daughters true love, softball has started in the middle of all of this end of year madness..so my revisions have to wait,

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 3 07, 12:08

Congrats Brenda on your (first) wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo