POSTCARD FROM BRITTANY, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Cybele]

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs



                 REVISION

                     Ominous  
                 sin-black clouds jockey for position
                 and charge across an azure sky  
                 eclipsing the summer sunlight.
                 Great thunder claps presaged
                 by serrated forks of light;
                 a magician’s wand waves
                 
                 Shazam!

                 On the promontory
                 a solitary house  
                 appears in stark relief.
 
                 Once calm seas
                 writhe and seethe;
                 whipped into frenzy
                 they spit grey spume which rises
                 like prancing Lippizanas
                 thrusting skywards.
                 Huddling birds cower
                 in the wind-lashed trees,
                 trembling and silenced.

                 On the chequered tablecloth
                 our wine remains untasted
                 as we savour with awe, the fury

                 on the Côte Sauvage

                 ORIGINAL

                         Ominous  
                sin-black clouds jostle for position
                and charge across an azure sky  
                eclipsing the summer sunlight.
                Great thunder claps presage
                serrated forks of light;
                a magician’s wand waves
               
                Shazam!

                On the promontory
                a solitary house  
                appears in stark relief.

                Once calm seas
                writhe and seethe. Whipped into frenzy
                by the storm, they spit grey spume
                like prancing Lippizanas
                thrusting skywards.
                Huddling birds cower
                in the wind-lashed trees,
                trembling and silenced.

                On the chequered tablecloth
                our wine remains untasted
                as we relish the display…

                on the Côte Sauvage


All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace, yet another excellent postcard. All our holidays seem like this but we just grumble. Mind you, we are in tent accommodation and it offers a different perspective.

Well done. I enjoyed this one even more than most - which is saying a lot.

All the best, James.

As always, only suggestions:

{omit} [add] (comments)

Ominous
sin-black clouds juggle for position[;]
{and} charge across an azure sky
eclipsing {the} summer sunlight.

(Miss a line - debatable)

Great thunder claps presage
serrated forks of light{;}[:]
{a} magician’s wand waved
on the promontory.

Shazam!
.. {a} solitary house
appears in stark relief.

Calm seas
writhe and seethe. (new line)
Whipped into frenzy by the storm,
they spit grey spume (excellent line)
like prancing Lippizanas
thrusting skywards.

(Miss a line - useful)

Huddling birds cower
in the wind-lashed trees,
trembling and silenced.

(Miss a line - important)

On {the} chequered tablecloth
our wine remains untasted[,]
as we relish the display. (clever food metaphor)

[Cybele]

Hello James,

Hi Grace, yet another excellent postcard. All our holidays seem like this but we just grumble. Mind you, we are in tent accommodation and it offers a different perspective.

Well done. I enjoyed this one even more than most - which is saying a lot.

Well, thank you kind sir.  I woke up at 5.30am this morning, thinking of our holidays in France and remembered this photo, which I have always liked and the words started coming. I had to get to the computer and write this while it was still fresh in my mind.

We had actually been picnicking, French style - bread, cheese, country pate, grapes, wine and strawberries with cream, when the sky suddenly darkened. We headed for a cafe to watch in comfort.

I have noted your suggestions James, some of which make very excellent sense and will make adjustments after all crits have been received. Since this was written in haste, I am expecting more.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

You're very welcome,

James.

[Guest_Don_*]

Cybele~~

First, I wish you a very happy Valentine's Day.

Second, I commend your ability to dash-off so beautiful a first draft.

Perhaps impossible to separate preconceptions from intended imagery presented, but "Brittany" conjures cruel, cruel era of so-called Chivalry, when knights repeatedly pillaged.  

Following suggestions are respectfully offered to discard or incorporated at will.

I percieve the waves depicted upon post card as calm, but defer to artistic stormy mood the sepia of the picture easily conveys.  Those clouds help, no?

Biased by preconception,  I see in your first two lines simile of say King Arthur's horsemen rushing into conflict.

Sin-black clouds charge pell-mell,
like knights, across an azure sky

Your prancing Lippizanas is precious.  I visualize the white horses rising majestically on hind quarters.  

Calm seas
writhe and seathe.
is well worded tension via opposites.  A superimposed storm upon a canvass of calm.

Another perconception your first stanza put into my mind is painting of the last Druid on craggy promontory in Wales cursing King Edward for eradication of his kind.  I believe the sky is streaked with lightning of his curses.  I enjoyed your art recalling art.

I understood your huddling birds to be metaphor for yourselves retiring to indoor relief from weather.

Though your last line is lost on me due to ignorance in French, I know you will keep it.  It is a solid link to geographic location of Brittany.

Thanks for the read.  I shall return to updates.

Don

[Cybele]

Hello Don,

Thank you so much for your long and detailed crit.

Cybele~~

First, I wish you a very happy Valentine's Day.

[b]Much appreciated Don,sadly no card since I lost my love, but I got out old ones we sent to each other and put them on display, a suggestion made by a very dear friend. It helps  

Second, I commend your ability to dash-off so beautiful a first draft.

This is the only way I can write Don. A thought comes and associations follow (although I am not as prolific as other poets here since my thought processes seem to be slowing down somewhat )

Perhaps impossible to separate preconceptions from intended imagery presented, but "Brittany" conjures cruel, cruel era of so-called Chivalry, when knights repeatedly pillaged.  

Following suggestions are respectfully offered to discard or incorporated at will.

I percieve the waves depicted upon post card as calm, but defer to artistic stormy mood the sepia of the picture easily conveys.  Those clouds help, no?

This picture was taken immediately before we headed for the cafe. The poem describes what happened in the next two of three minutes.

Biased by preconception,  I see in your first two lines simile of say King Arthur's horsemen rushing into conflict.

Sin-black clouds charge pell-mell,
like knights, across an azure sky

I LOVE that picture Don and may use it in part, when all crits are in. Thank you

Your prancing Lippizanas is precious.  I visualize the white horses rising majestically on hind quarters.

Exactly so Don.  

Calm seas
writhe and seethe.
is well worded tension via opposites.  A superimposed storm upon a canvass of calm.

One of my favourite paintings is 'The Shipwreck' by Turner. If potrays the might of the sea magnificently.

Another perconception your first stanza put into my mind is painting of the last Druid on craggy promontory in Wales cursing King Edward for eradication of his kind.  I believe the sky is streaked with lightning of his curses.  I enjoyed your art recalling art.

Lovely image Don. I don't think I have seen the painting but you have painted it for me.

I understood your huddling birds to be metaphor for yourselves retiring to indoor relief from weather.

No, this was a phenomenon. One minute the air was filled with the chatter of birds and then just before the storm there was a deathly hush.

Though your last line is lost on me due to ignorance in French, I know you will keep it.  It is a solid link to geographic location of Brittany.

The photo was taken on the Cote Sauvage (sorry no accents available here) which literally means The Savage or Wild Coast, where storms are commonplace. It is on the southern coast of Brittany not far from Quiberon, where ferries leave for the islands.

Thanks for the read.  I shall return to updates.

Many thanks for your interest Don.  I have lots of photos waiting to be turned into Postcards.  [/b]

[Guest__*]

Dear Grace,

I seem to be early enough on this one to feel I may have something to offer ! (Per our PMs ! )

After I did my offering below, it seemed to me that you might give the "PC from Brit" a title as well, I would suggest SHAZZAM !

Ominous  
sin-black clouds juggle for position -- do you mean "jostle" ?
and charge across an azure sky  -- del and, an ?
eclipsing the summer sunlight.-- del the, make it eclipse ?
Great thunder claps presage -- surely the lightning arrives FIRST ? We used to count down the interval till the thunder was heard to know how far away the storm was ... ?
serrated forks of light;
a magician’s wand waved -- allit : wizard's wand waved over promontory
on the promontory. -- reverse these 2 couplets ?

Shazam!
.. a solitary house  -- del a ?
appears in stark relief.

Calm seas                 -- Once calm seas ? Makes the change more obvious ?
writhe and seethe. Whipped into frenzy
by the storm, they spit grey spume
like prancing Lippizanas -- It is Lippizaner - I'm 1/2 Austrian, just checked too ! Also, is like "sheep" - alreaddy plural too !
thrusting skywards.
Huddling birds cower -- shuder ? -- what a tongue-pleaser !
in the wind-lashed trees, -- del the ?
trembling and silenced. -- del and ?
On the chequered tablecloth -- a checkered ... ?
our wine remains untasted -- the wine - as is is not yet "ours" ?
as we relish the display. -- del as ? del full stop

On the Côte Sauvage --  del on, the ? -- abbrev, see below ?

Without edit marks and comments :

Ominous sin-black clouds
jostle for position,
charge across azure sky,
eclipse summer sunlight.

Wizard's wand is waved
over wild promontory :
great serrated forks of light
presage thunder claps;

Shazam!
.. solitary house  
appears in stark relief.

Once calm seas      
writhe and seethe,
whipped into stormed frenzy;

they spit grey spume
like prancing Lippizaner
thrusting skywards.

Huddling birds shudder
in wind-lashed trees,
trembling, silenced.

On a chequered tablecloth
the house red remains untasted -
instead we relish the Côte Sauvage ....


although, on 2nd thoughts, the Cote Sauvage could be assumed to be the name of the wine ! So I added in "instead".

Love
Alan

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Great piece of descriptive writing, Grace, and the photo too.

Had to look up Lippizaner. It's amazing what you learn from this board.

The only nit from me is that 'calm seas writhe and seethe' seems a contradiction.

Perry

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

You capture the feel of the weather so well, both in the descriptions and the sound of the words particularly

               Calm seas
                writhe and seethe. Whipped into frenzy
                by the storm, they spit grey spume
                like prancing Lippizanas
                thrusting skywards.
                Huddling birds cower
                in the wind-lashed trees,
                trembling and silenced.
 

I agree with Perry that calm seas writhe and seethe is a contradiction and would be better as once calm seas.

One other minor comment

Great thunder claps presage
                serrated forks of light; doesn't the lightning come before the thunder?

Nina

[Cybele]

Good Sir Knight,

Ominous  
sin-black clouds juggle for position -- do you mean "jostle" ?

[b]Yes Alan, I do. Said I did it in a hurry!

and charge across an azure sky  -- del and, an ?

I want to keep the and which gives me a natural pause at the end of this line.

eclipsing the summer sunlight.-- del the, make it eclipse ?

Will keep ‘the’ Alan. I don’t want this piece to sound too ‘bare-bones’.

Great thunder claps presage -- surely the lightning arrives FIRST ? We used to count down the interval till the thunder was heard to know how far away the storm was ... ?

Actually thunder and lightning occur together.  It just takes longer for the sound of thunder to reach the ears if the storm is in the distance. When it is within 100 yards, or overhead as this one was, they occur almost at the same time, so it is somewhat a matter of chicken and egg, but since the lightning is the magician’s wand I cannot follow it with the thunder I am claiming a little poetic license.

serrated forks of light;

a magician’s wand waved -- allit : wizard's wand waved over promontory
on the promontory. -- reverse these 2 couplets ?

Typed error here Alan

It should read
‘a magician’s wand waved,

Shazam!
On the promontory
a solitary house appears in sharp relief.

Shazam!
.. a solitary house  -- del a ?
appears in stark relief.

Calm seas                 -- Once calm seas ? Makes the change more obvious ?

Yes, makes perfect sense, Alan. Will change it.

writhe and seethe. Whipped into frenzy
by the storm, they spit grey spume
like prancing Lippizanas -- It is Lippizaner - I'm 1/2 Austrian, just checked too ! Also, is like "sheep" - alreaddy plural too !

Should be no final ‘s’ I agree , but lipizzana is also correct in Chambers.

thrusting skywards.
Huddling birds cower -- shuder ? -- what a tongue-pleaser !

shuder???? If you meant shudder Alan, no these birds weren’t shuddering from the cold, they were cowering in fear

in the wind-lashed trees, -- del the ?
trembling and silenced. -- del and ?
On the chequered tablecloth -- a checkered ... ?

Chequered is perfectly correct and the first definition of a chess board pattern.

our wine remains untasted -- the wine - as is is not yet "ours" ?

Oh. but it was Alan. We had already paid at the counter.

as we relish the display. -- del as ? del full stop

I agree, no full stop but an ellipse

On the Côte Sauvage --  del on, the ? -- abbrev, see below ?

The display was actually on the Côte Sauvage, and directly above us.

Thank you Alan, for all your help. As I stated this was written in a hurry this morning so I knew it would need quite a bit of help.

Since I always dash in to alter things too soon, I shall await any more ideas before revising this one, but you have raised some very good points which I shall keep in mind my friend. Many thanks. I shall however change the glaringly obvious points we have discussed.[/b]

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace and Alan et al,

Light travels very much faster than sound, hence the tardiness of a clap of thunder, in comparison to its accompanying lightening. As has been mentioned, distance makes apparent difference greater because both have further to travel and lightening gains an increased advantage.

That is, of course, if one in believes science. Which I don't much :)

James.

[Cybele]

Hello Perry,

Thank you so much for reading and enjoying this piece.

As to your crit, you will see that with suggestion from you, Nina and Alan this has now become

once calm seas,

I appreciate you interest Perry.

[Cybele]

Hello Nina,  

You capture the feel of the weather so well, both in the descriptions and the sound of the words particularly

              Calm seas
               writhe and seethe. Whipped into frenzy
               by the storm, they spit grey spume
               like prancing Lippizanas
               thrusting skywards.
               Huddling birds cower
               in the wind-lashed trees,
               trembling and silenced.


I agree with Perry that calm seas writhe and seethe is a contradiction and would be better as once calm seas.

I also agree Nina. It has been changed to

Once calm seas

One other minor comment

Great thunder claps presage
               serrated forks of light; doesn't the lightning come before the thunder?

Please see answer to Alan on this one Nina. I'm sticking with my poetic license..unless I am struck by lightning or thunderous roars of disapproval.

[Cybele]

Light travels very much faster than sound, hence the tardiness of a clap of thunder, in comparison to its accompanying lightening. As has been mentioned, distance makes apparent difference greater because both have further to travel and lightening gains an increased advantage.

That is, of course, if one in believes science. Which I don't much :)

Ah, James.. dear James.  In the vernacular of Zummerzet,

'Ye do make I laff'.

[Guest_Don_*]

This Lightning preceeds thunder thingy bothers me.  Yes, according to Physics this is the proper order for cause and effect.  However, how many thunders have you heard without seeing the lightning cause?

I've not looked at it closely, but the prime concern should be sound and fury of the poem as artist sees fit.

I doubt if many readers are concerned with technical effect following cause.

My two cents, which may be devalued with the USD anyday.

Don

[Cybele]

Good morning Don,  

This Lightning preceeds thunder thingy bothers me.  Yes, according to Physics this is the proper order for cause and effect.  However, how many thunders have you heard without seeing the lightning cause?

I've not looked at it closely, but the prime concern should be sound and fury of the poem as artist sees fit.

I doubt if many readers are concerned with technical effect following cause.

Thanks Don, that's exactly as I feel about it. We call it 'thunder and lightning' ~ not 'lightning and thunder,' so if dictionaries and pedants can get it wrong, why not the poor poet struggling for effect?  

[Cybele]

Good morning Alan,

Actually 'jostle' was not the word I was seeking.  The word I wanted was 'jockey' since they were racing each other across the sky, and to lead into the reference to lipizzanas. (This also ties in with Don's picture of charging knights.)

Also found this on the net:

Many horses for sale. Andalucians, Lipizzanas, and lots more. Based in SW Colorado

It is Lippizaner - I'm 1/2 Austrian, just checked too ! Also, is like "sheep" - alreaddy plural too !

Ha ha Alan, I am wholly English and don't know HALF the words in the English language.  :speechless:

I woke up and put my sensible head on this morning. It has been missing for days but I found it lurking under the bed.

Off to change it now. Ciao! The word, not the head.    (huh, internal rhyme! Hooray the head is functioning properly today.)  

[Guest__*]

Dear Grace,

Jockey, YES ! But even jostle was better than juggle - that term just did not seem to fit, bearing in mind that the clouds were being driven (all in the same direction) by a fierce wind !

As to Lippizaners, that is the spelling in N Yugoslavia where they come from, and in the Spanish Riding School in Vienna, and on the net for the UK Lippizaner Society that I found.

I mean, the Yanks use Chris Kringle for "Christkinderl" - the Christ-child, even, so who would want to count on them for spellings ?

However, I accept that both seem to be in modern corrupted use.

Grace, put that sensible head away immediately - I much prefer the fluffly, woolly variety found under the bed.

See you next month !

Love
Alan

[Arnfinn]

How you going cobber?

Bout time I dropped-in.



Actually I've got a few things to say about your poem. I've got about 10 miutes befor dinner. So I might have to come back.




     ( Ominous  
                sin-black ) clouds jostle for position < Ya probably going to get mad at me Grace, but I think Ominous is a bit clich`e or maybe you can delete xx Ominous. Or maybe delete sin-black and have 'Ominous clouds jostle for position.
                and charge across an azure sky  
                eclipsing the summer sunlight.
                Great thunder claps presage< wow! presage, that's a great word. Love presage, (perfect)
                serrated forks of light;
                a magician’s wand waved < lovely build-up to the following>
                Back from dinner_ Tasmanian scallops, prawns,whiting, calamari. (All in batter) salad and a big glass of red.

Shazam!


Arnie
                 :troy:  :troy:  :troy:  :troy:  :troy:  :wizard:

[Cybele]

How you going cobber?

Bout time I dropped-in.

Well, if it ain’t me beaut mate from DU! Great to see ya here Arniiiiiiiiiieeeeeee  


Actually I've got a few things to say about your poem. I've got about 10 minutes before dinner. So I might have to come back.

Okey dokey, I'll sit here contemplatin' me navel till yer fill yer gullet Arn.  


( Ominous
sin-black ) clouds jostle for position < Ya probably going to get mad at me Grace, but I think Ominous is a bit clich`e or maybe you can delete xx Ominous. Or maybe delete sin-black and have 'Ominous clouds jostle for position.

Nah, would I get mad at me cobber Arn??  No way Jose.   :wink:

Well now, I don’t want to lose sin-black (‘cos I am kinda fond of that one.) How do you feel about

Sinister
sin-black clouds … (fer some alliteration Arn? ) or baleful/menacing??

and charge across an azure sky
eclipsing the summer sunlight.
Great thunder claps presage< wow! presage, that's a great word. Love presage, (perfect)
serrated forks of light;
a magician’s wand waved < lovely build-up to the following>

Back from dinner_ Tasmanian scallops, prawns,whiting, calamari. (All in batter) salad and a big glass of red.

‘Strewth mate, you eat well for a wrinkly don’t’ya? Me stomach thinks me throats bin cut. Any of that tucker left??
 
Shazam! < the inovation Grace. Did you ever read Captain Marvel comics? He'd say 'Shazam' then 'boom' a big bolt of lightning.

Sure did Arn. If I remember rightly  its an acronym fer  Solomon, Hercules, Achilles, Zeus, Atlas and Mercury referring to their attributes of wisdom, strength., stamina,   power, courage and speed. Sumpin’ like that?  

On the promontory
a solitary house
appears in stark relief. < Love it, love, love it Grace. BOOM, BOLT OF LIGHTNING...................then a flash and then an exposure. The pictures dark? The house looks like a mansion.

It was actually a chateau Arnie, but the word looked incongruous on the page - on second thoughts though. Hmmmm???   Taken just as the storm came rolling in and we ran for shelter. It looked even more beautiful in silhouette than in daylight. It mesmerized me.

Once calm seas
writhe and seethe. Whipped into frenzy
( by the storm,) they spit grey spume < maybe leave (by the storm out) Once calm seas writhe and seethe, whipped into a frenzy they spit grey spume like a prancing Lippizanas thrusting skywards.

Hm I’ll ponder that one cobber.

like prancing Lippizanas< had to look in the BIG dictionary (white Slovanic horses)
thrusting skywards.

Thanks Arnie -   whitecapped waves, we call 'em white horses over here Arn,  :lol:

Huddling birds cower
in the wind-lashed trees,
trembling and silenced.
On the chequered tablecloth
our wine remains untasted
as we relish the display..

< nice finish, but this line appears a little weak. Read up above everythings turmoil, violent confusion...have a look at the poor birds in the trees.


Yeh, tend to agree with you here Arn, but sorry birdies, we did relish it, having never seen such raw fury at such close quarters. So, we need a word (or two) to replace 'display'. How about..

We relish the frenzy/fury or unstoppable frenzy?  HELP!!!

on the Côte Sauvage

This poem has some wonderful metaphysical bursting scenery that enchants and uplifts the basic raw strength of nature and entraps an inner sensitivity of how inadequate humanity is.


To you dear Grace, I doffs me lid.

Gee Arn. Ya make me feel flash as a rat with a gold tooth. Thanks fer calling in mate, with yer happy tummy full of grub and gargle juice (English slang)