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Michelle
Posted on: Aug 23 10, 17:38


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Hi JLY,

this poem makes me think of war from the perception of the vanquished. I think this is very creative, given the word list. I like dark poems just as darkness is a part of living.
In this poem your images are very vivid to me. I not sure about the meter so I will leave that to less rusty hands. (smile)

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122530 · Replies: 10 · Views: 7,034

Michelle
Posted on: Aug 23 10, 17:24


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Snow,

I think this is a lovely autumn veil dance with the nobility of the Waltz of the Flowers Very very lovely. I don't know much about ballet, but that didn't stop me from enjoying your poem.

I found nothing to nick-pick.

My favorite:

Her rustling tutu riffles, swirls
chartreuse with russet layered hems;
soft flurries tousle chestnut curls
adorned with crimson clustered gems.



I think it is kind of magestic - this just flows perfectly to me.

Your revision skills are excellent. I thought the original was very good, but the revision is like a masterpiece.

much enjoyed,

Michelle

my best
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122529 · Replies: 26 · Views: 44,026

Michelle
Posted on: Aug 23 10, 16:02


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Snow,

wow, it's great to see you. As I remember, the message of your poetry edifies. Life has been dynamic the last couple of years and I have not written. I'm sort of easing my way back into it though. I'll have to get to the FV forum to read some of your poems.

Thanks for the encouragement. I've revised and hopefully this is better for it.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122528 · Replies: 13 · Views: 17,261

Michelle
Posted on: Aug 23 10, 15:50


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi JLY,

it's great to read your thoughts on my poem. Thank you. I've revised, trying to keep the same tense of lament until the final quatrain. Hopefully it has become a better poem. Your interpretation is wonderful - what I was hoping for. I also wanted to imply a thread that our time in essence belongs to God.

Thank you so much JLY for posting your thoughts.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122527 · Replies: 13 · Views: 17,261

Michelle
Posted on: Aug 23 10, 15:33


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Liz,

it is great to see you again. Thank you for going through the poem. You poetic sensibilities are excellent.

In the first stanza, my intention is that the siblings are my own brothers and sisters. It didn't occur to me that another meaning could be inferred. (smiling) I am the eldest of my siblings and thus brothers and sisters have always entailed responsibility for me. At face value, I believe that meaning is there. (hopefully - lol)

As I said to Jim, this could be better fleshed out with longer lines, but I don't trust my ability as yet. I'm taking my revival in poetry slow.

Thanks so much for replying to this poem. It took me a while to get some spare time to get back here. Sorry for the long pause to respond to your thoughts. I appreciate them immensely.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122526 · Replies: 13 · Views: 17,261

Michelle
Posted on: Aug 23 10, 15:20


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Jim,

thanks so much for your time to go through this poem. As I am learning, your advice is sound. I've taken your notes in my revision, although I'm keeping the trimeter. Because I am just wading again into poetic waters, I want to keep this as simple as possible. I've attempted to keep a cohesive sense of meaning until the twisting final quatrain. Hopefully the poem has become nearer an acceptable example of the form.

Thank you, again, for your time, keen eye and expertise.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122525 · Replies: 13 · Views: 17,261

Michelle
Posted on: Aug 6 10, 18:15


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
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From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Alan,


thank you so much! I will change it immediately. I agree wholeheartedly.

I think the only time I've used hexameter is the alternating lines of a ballad.

This one was really fun. Our muses must be delving in the same end of the pool.



Thank you again,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122364 · Replies: 13 · Views: 17,261

Michelle
Posted on: Aug 6 10, 10:28


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Not Alone - Revised

My time is not my own
when siblings seek a hand.
I’ll never be alone.

Our children always moan
for needs and wants expand;
my time is not my own.

My husband takes his throne,
his wish is my command:
I’ll never be alone.

I use a soothing tone;
as Mother’s wits disband.
My time is not my own

when friends decide to phone.
A party urged and planned:
I’ll never be alone.


God’s plan, once dim, now shown;
He gives where life demands.
My time is not my own--
I’ll never be alone.




Not Alone

My time is not my own
when siblings seek a hand;
I’ll never be alone.

The children always moan.
Their needs and wants expand.
My time is not my own.

My husband wears cologne;
we dance beside the band.
I’ll never be alone.

I use a soothing tone
as Mother’s wits disband.
My time is not my own.

When friends decide to phone
our barbeque is planned;
I’ll never be alone.

His voice, once dim, has grown;
God speaks as life demands.
My time is not my own--
I’ll never be alone.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122360 · Replies: 13 · Views: 17,261

Michelle
Posted on: Aug 6 10, 10:00


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Sue,

this sounds like the southeast. I hear they're experiencing a bad heat wave. Your images are excellent imo.

I'm not seeing a complete sentence in S1 - seems like fragments put together.

Other than that I have no other suggestion.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122359 · Replies: 11 · Views: 15,967

Michelle
Posted on: Aug 6 10, 09:53


Greek
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Jim,

this is a wicked gem. Nicely spun. From my perspective, this could be dubbed 'Incubus'. I have no qualms with anything in you lines. You are very talented. If you decide to ammend the line that Sue has pointed to, I'm offering 'regained'.

Great dark poem.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122358 · Replies: 17 · Views: 19,647

Michelle
Posted on: Aug 6 10, 09:44


Greek
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29



Hi Alan,

I like your contemporay villanelle. The topic is current and relevent.
Some of meter give me bumps, but that might just be me. I'm quite
rusty at poetry. L2 though, seems to need something. What about

flickering screen and a keyboard askew,


Take or Toss.

Also in L17, is 'not' suppose to be at the end of that line. It seems like 'overdue' should end the line.

That is all of my offering. It is good to read a villanelle again. Nice job.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122357 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,859

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 29 10, 22:08


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Thanks for stopping in again Sue. I made the edit you suggested. Thank you for taking the time. I really appreciate it.

I might just try to write another poem. :)

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122295 · Replies: 10 · Views: 6,948

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 29 10, 21:58


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Jim,

while I still have no exceptions to your poem, I forgot to say how beautiful I think your last two lines are. Those lines are my favorites. I had no problem with the original slant rhyme. Base is more concrete for me than phase. But, if I were in your shoes, I'd change it too.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122294 · Replies: 17 · Views: 7,221

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 29 10, 21:52


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Sue,

This is a very good poem. I think that your revisions polish the piece. I read this early this morning, I think, and got a little lost in the "he" portion. Now it is much easier to read.

I like the form, the way you've used the same rhymes in each stanza and your excellent word smithing.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122293 · Replies: 8 · Views: 13,397

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 28 10, 09:09


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Jim,

I wanted to stop in to say that how wonderful you message is. I really enjoyed reading this poem. I have to get ready for work now, but will be back to give this one a closer look.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122274 · Replies: 17 · Views: 7,221

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 28 10, 09:03


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hey Cleo,

thanks for the welcome. It has been a very long time since I was here or even writing. I'm not sure why, but I hope the ink continues to flow.

It feels really good to be here.

Thanks again,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122273 · Replies: 10 · Views: 6,948

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 28 10, 08:58


Greek
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Sue, it is SO good to write again. I missed it terribly. Thank you for stopping in to reply to my poem, even though we disagree on message. I appreciate the lesson. (smiling)

I've missed you and your great poetry. Hopefully, the words will flow for me again.

my best always,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122272 · Replies: 10 · Views: 6,948

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 28 10, 08:52


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Larry, thank you for stopping in with your input. I went with 'elude' because it better fit my intention with this piece. As for the title, I picked it from three possibilities:

Reviving the Corpse - this was my first thought and plays well with the metophor of the poem.

Reviving the Corps - My first thought brought me to my second thought -with this title I'm refering to a group of American patriots, like our founding fathers, to rise again. Also, a leader repeatedly pronounced the word 'corps' as 'corpse' in a speech. I also thought I could get the reader to think 'corpse' by using 'corps' and thus get a two punch. Maybe I just look illiterate though. (smiling)

Reviving the Core - just a thought that I quickly decided against.

I'd love to know your opinion about title. I might just start from scratch and figure out something else altogether.

Thank you again Larry, I appreciate your thoughts.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122271 · Replies: 10 · Views: 6,948

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 28 10, 08:29


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Thank you, Jim, for putting aside our political differences for the sake of the craft. I should have realized that poetry is 'liberal' arts. (smiling) I honestly didn't mean to be controversial. It has been years since I've written a poem. I was ecstatic to have finished this.

All of your comments have helped me. I've taken most of your suggestions:

I've changed alluding to elude. I've kept 'busy noses' for a couple of reasons. In these modern time, imo, we live busy lives, destrasting lives, too much stimuli. Also, imo, government is imposing itself more and more into our daily lives and I was hoping to connote this.

I changed minuscule to miniscule, but kept 'unless we're smelling noses' for the connotative value. I'm relying on the adage 'take time to smell the roses. When I slow down enough to think about life, there some thing that just feels wrong with America and in this case it 'smells wrong'.

I changed line 5 just as you've suggested. Thank you so much.

In line 8, 'constitued' is absolutely brilliant. Thank you again.

I couldn't do much with line 10 - the 'safety net' is important imo. It amazes what we, as people, will give up voluntarily for safety sake.

I've strengthened L14. Thank you again for your good advice.

I appreciate your time and effort with my poem. Your nobility and passion for poetry inspires me.

with greatest respect,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122270 · Replies: 10 · Views: 6,948

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 25 10, 11:38


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Reviving the Corps - (working title)


Revision #1 w/edit


A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtle it eludes our busy noses.
The stench has grown by miniscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

What rotting corpse corrupts and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our constituted freedoms are deceased.

Tin cups are beat to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets entrap domestic fish
for confiscated tax is not enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

America, wake up! It’s time to stand
for freedom’s torch is slipping from your hand.




Original


A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze,
so subtly alluding busy noses.
The stench has grown by minuscule degrees
without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.

What pungent body rots and taints the air,
from north to south, from western coast to east,
from fruited rural vale to city square?
Our epitome of freedom is deceased.

Tin cups are forged to make a shackle cuff
and safety nets can hold domestic fish.
No confiscating tax is quite enough
to satisfy a socialistic wish.

America, wake up! It's time to stand
for freedom's torch is passed into your hand.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122237 · Replies: 10 · Views: 6,948

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 25 10, 11:34


Greek
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hi Sue,

This is a potent poem. I will remember it. There is no doubt that this is about PTS. I've been away from poetry so long, my critiquing and writing skills have dulled, I'm afraid.

For me, this poem is fantastic as is. I have no suggestions. The meter and rhymes are perfect to me.

Reading you and some others here, makes me mourn the time I spent away from writing.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122236 · Replies: 15 · Views: 7,074

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 25 10, 11:15


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hello Mary,

This is very, very good. If only I could be so rusty. (smiling) Upon I reading, I can actually see the feather drifting on currents.

The rhyme is simply artful, imo. I love the sandwiched rhyme scheme of the long lines in conjunction with the rhyming short lines. I think it gives the poem 'lift'. (please forgive my created 'sandwich' term - it has been a very long time since I've done this)

I'm not going into the meter. It has been too long since I've written or critiqued. Some of the meter looks like it shouldn't work, yet it does. So I will not comment until I get my poetic legs again.

My only bump in the poem is the word 'aerodynamic'. The sound of the word is heavy to my ear. Again, the meaning shouldn't be, it just feels heavy.

Sorry for my ineptitude at critiquing. This is an excellent poem, imo. The whole of it just fits on a feather.

my best,

Michelle

  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122235 · Replies: 8 · Views: 6,339

Michelle
Posted on: Jul 25 10, 10:46


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hello Bombadil, I'm glad to meet you. Be advised that I haven't written or critiqued in a couple of years, so I am rusty.

What I find the most beautiful in this poem is the 'Triune' unity of the whole of it. Very apt title by the way. Man is Spirit, Soul and Heart - very nice fleshing out of such an abstract concept. Your poem leads me to think that in this way we are made in God's image. From my own understanding, I would switch the meaning of spirit and soul - but that is what makes each of us unique. You've handled the subject matter marvelously, imo.

I also like use of eleven syllable odd lines. For me it kind of joins the next line more smoothly.

I agree with Lori about omitting the colon in S2L1.

I also think that you can revise the beginning of S2L3 very easily and keep your "hear me".

I paused a bit at the rhymes in S3 'Spirit/unit'. For me, the last two syllables should rhyme when ending on an unaccented syllable.


Your poem is beautiful and meaningful. I have truly reading it in depth.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122234 · Replies: 6 · Views: 4,526

Michelle
Posted on: Nov 27 07, 11:07


Greek
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Thanks so much Judi for the nomination. I'm sorry to be so long away. I've revised the poem and am in the process of revising again. Your confidence in the merit of my poem is truly an honor. I am respectfully declining this work for IBPC. I don't think it would fare well there.

I'd like to thank those that commented on this one also. I really don't want to bring the poem back up to top of the forum by responding to it.

Now Cleo, you can let this one go to the bottom and not clog up the current contenders.

Thank you again Judi,

Michelle
  Forum: IPBC Archive · Post Preview: #104675 · Replies: 9 · Views: 8,598

Michelle
Posted on: Oct 1 07, 18:31


Greek
***

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29


Hey Lori, I look forward to your return. Thanks for stopping in to say.

my best,

Michelle
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #103086 · Replies: 14 · Views: 8,684

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