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Posted on: Aug 23 10, 15:20 |
Greek
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
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Hi Jim,
thanks so much for your time to go through this poem. As I am learning, your advice is sound. I've taken your notes in my revision, although I'm keeping the trimeter. Because I am just wading again into poetic waters, I want to keep this as simple as possible. I've attempted to keep a cohesive sense of meaning until the twisting final quatrain. Hopefully the poem has become nearer an acceptable example of the form.
Thank you, again, for your time, keen eye and expertise.
my best,
Michelle |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #122525
· Replies: 13
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Posted on: Jul 28 10, 08:29 |
Greek
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
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Thank you, Jim, for putting aside our political differences for the sake of the craft. I should have realized that poetry is 'liberal' arts. (smiling) I honestly didn't mean to be controversial. It has been years since I've written a poem. I was ecstatic to have finished this.
All of your comments have helped me. I've taken most of your suggestions:
I've changed alluding to elude. I've kept 'busy noses' for a couple of reasons. In these modern time, imo, we live busy lives, destrasting lives, too much stimuli. Also, imo, government is imposing itself more and more into our daily lives and I was hoping to connote this.
I changed minuscule to miniscule, but kept 'unless we're smelling noses' for the connotative value. I'm relying on the adage 'take time to smell the roses. When I slow down enough to think about life, there some thing that just feels wrong with America and in this case it 'smells wrong'.
I changed line 5 just as you've suggested. Thank you so much.
In line 8, 'constitued' is absolutely brilliant. Thank you again.
I couldn't do much with line 10 - the 'safety net' is important imo. It amazes what we, as people, will give up voluntarily for safety sake.
I've strengthened L14. Thank you again for your good advice.
I appreciate your time and effort with my poem. Your nobility and passion for poetry inspires me.
with greatest respect,
Michelle |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #122270
· Replies: 10
· Views: 6,948
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Posted on: Jul 25 10, 11:38 |
Greek
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
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Reviving the Corps - (working title)
Revision #1 w/edit
A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze, so subtle it eludes our busy noses. The stench has grown by miniscule degrees without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.
What rotting corpse corrupts and taints the air, from north to south, from western coast to east, from fruited rural vale to city square? Our constituted freedoms are deceased.
Tin cups are beat to make a shackle cuff and safety nets entrap domestic fish for confiscated tax is not enough to satisfy a socialistic wish.
America, wake up! It’s time to stand for freedom’s torch is slipping from your hand.
Original
A rancid undertone pollutes the breeze, so subtly alluding busy noses. The stench has grown by minuscule degrees without our note, unless we’re smelling roses.
What pungent body rots and taints the air, from north to south, from western coast to east, from fruited rural vale to city square? Our epitome of freedom is deceased.
Tin cups are forged to make a shackle cuff and safety nets can hold domestic fish. No confiscating tax is quite enough to satisfy a socialistic wish.
America, wake up! It's time to stand for freedom's torch is passed into your hand. |
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #122237
· Replies: 10
· Views: 6,948
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Posted on: Jul 25 10, 11:15 |
Greek
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 532
Joined: 4-September 03
From: Northwest Coast
Member No.: 29
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Hello Mary,
This is very, very good. If only I could be so rusty. (smiling) Upon I reading, I can actually see the feather drifting on currents.
The rhyme is simply artful, imo. I love the sandwiched rhyme scheme of the long lines in conjunction with the rhyming short lines. I think it gives the poem 'lift'. (please forgive my created 'sandwich' term - it has been a very long time since I've done this)
I'm not going into the meter. It has been too long since I've written or critiqued. Some of the meter looks like it shouldn't work, yet it does. So I will not comment until I get my poetic legs again.
My only bump in the poem is the word 'aerodynamic'. The sound of the word is heavy to my ear. Again, the meaning shouldn't be, it just feels heavy.
Sorry for my ineptitude at critiquing. This is an excellent poem, imo. The whole of it just fits on a feather.
my best,
Michelle
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Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
· Post Preview: #122235
· Replies: 8
· Views: 6,339
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