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Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 28 10, 18:38

Lover's Meet Again
Two Views

Revision:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; for that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
On meeting once again, we will retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.


Original:

She:
I watched you wrapping life in fantasy
until you lost yourself in make believe.
Appearances took precedence and we
soon parted. I still wonder—did you grieve
at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.
And should we meet again, we won’t retrieve
the newness of the love that we let go.
We are who we’ve become, with memories in tow.


He:
It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; it’s that I grieve.
The maybes topped with what-ifs made you leave
and I got lost in all I didn’t know.
If we’ve another chance, then we’ll retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.

Posted by: Alan Jul 29 10, 01:23

Dear Susan,

This is very well observed, sad, and well presented.

Only nit :

It’s true, I’d hide behind a fantasy–
intent that somehow I’d make you believe
a prince had won your heart, but I knew we
were far too far apart; FOR that I grieve.

I think the "it's" is awkward there, this seems to be a simpler statement. You may of course disagree !

Love
Alan

Posted by: bombadil1247 Jul 29 10, 11:02

Hi, Sue,

from your post in Karnak.

Getting the form requirements out of the way quickly, you have indeed produced perfect Spenserian stanzas. I note, too, that you have used identical end words in S2, mirroring S1 perfectly which goes above and beyond the requirements but 'feels' right for this piece; that must have been difficult to accomplish.

She:

I like the images presented here, particularly 'lost yourself in make believe' and 'I left a man I didn't know' - these strike at the root of the problem, the reason for the break-up. The certainty behind 'we won't retrieve' shows the realist. I have no nits with this stanza.

He:

The dreamer shines through here, 'prince had won your heart' but there is a suggestion that he is misunderstood 'somehow I'd make you believe' even though he acknowledges that as fantasy. This stanza has more weaknesses imo. I agree with Alan's suggestion to substitute 'for that' in l.4 above but have another couple of suggestions for your consideration. Firstly, in line 5, I would put maybes and what-ifs in quotes; secondly, I feel line 7 could be stronger. In S1 we have the full 'we won't retrieve' yet the answering line is 'then we'll retrieve' - if you were to reword a little to something like ' if we'd another chance, we could retrieve' and lose that weak 'then'.

Yours to use or lose of course, it's your poem,
Jim

Posted by: heartsong7 Jul 29 10, 11:55

Hi Alan and Jim,
Thank you gentlemen, for stopping to read and offer suggestions for this one. Good calls on all counts, I'll take them with much appreciation for your keen observations.
Sue

PS. I had forgotten that I had posted the params for a SS in Karnak. It's been so long. I scrolled down to read the replies and was also reminded that I had posted this particular pair as part of a volley with Merlin. I hope it's ok to have a revisit. I did do further revising thanks to your suggestions.

Posted by: Michelle Jul 29 10, 21:52

Hi Sue,

This is a very good poem. I think that your revisions polish the piece. I read this early this morning, I think, and got a little lost in the "he" portion. Now it is much easier to read.

I like the form, the way you've used the same rhymes in each stanza and your excellent word smithing.

my best,

Michelle

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 13 10, 08:55

Hi Sue,

Oh boy! I loved this one before in Karnak and now again here. The subtle changes you've made really sparkle! I like the italics, the last line in 'She' and the last 3 lines in 'He'.

On meeting once again, we could retrieve
the love we had before we let it go
and parted, pulled apart by pride’s strong undertow.

In reading the original closing, I wasn't too keen on the 'If we’ve another chance, then we’ll retrieve' line because it sounds like "he" is assuming she'll retrieve the love and as we all know in real life, sometimes, as much as it may hurt to admit, that doesn't always result. So I must say that I have no nits - only admiration that you've taken an already lovely work and made it even better. I also took up your challenge back then in Karnak and did a parody of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider and Indiana Jones from Raiders of the Lost Arc...

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 16 10, 02:35

Hi Sue,

Oh I've missed reading your poetry. I have been your biggest fan for so many years that I often cannot find anything to nit. You are a hard nit to critique ... I loved this the first time I read it, it inspired me to make my own attempts and as I see some changes that polish it off so nicely. I wanted to give a thumbs up on the revision.

I too, felt the change in S2, L7 is a strong revision ... I also might suggest '...we will retrieve' only that in his world of fantasy, the use of 'will' is in direct opposition of her 'won't' that it was emphasize his lack of comprehending the reality of their relationship and expectations. However, it isn't a suggestion that is fully necessary to make this any more delightful and poignant as it is.

God Bless and I MISS YOU!!! Big Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Aug 29 10, 16:13

Hi Sue

I love this one! It is definitely one of my favourites. I think it was a brilliant idea, writing each stanza from a different point.

I just have one observation:

L6 just has 9 syllables instead of 10


at all that I had gone? I didn’t leave
you; I left a man I didn’t know.

Snow

Posted by: heartsong7 Sep 11 10, 09:22

Hi there, Michelle, Lori, Liz and Snow.
I'm so glad to know you all feel this is working. I had completely forgotten that I had already posted it here, but the fresh look has been helpful.

I like your suggestion for 'will' Liz and will do.
I'm delighted to see you, too. It's been a long time.

Oh yes, Snow,
re:you; I left a man I did n’t know.
that's a headless iamb meant to stress
"you"
There are still 5 stressed syllables in the line, and I'm told that it's an acceptable variation on iambic meter.

Thank you so much, dear ladies. It's nice to be here again.
Sue