The Second Time Around, (A watching people poem) Options

[vessq]

The Second Time Around

They share a meal
at a quiet corner table.
He, in a bright red bowling shirt,
looks to be pushing seventy.
She, of secret age,
is a lady of botox and tinted rinses.

They are dating late in life.
She talks and he listens carefully.
Then, he talks and she listens carefully.
It is a balance born of wisdom.
They will probably make love tonight.
I am charmed and wish them well.

[Maggie]

Hi Vess,

What a sweet and charming poem!! It is very touching!! I don't have any suggestions for improvement, but I did want to comment because I like this so much.

Appreciative Peggy

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Vess, my grandfather remarried at 80 a year and a half after my grandmother died. Everyone seemed aghast, but I understood and thought to myself you go, grandfather, do what you feel you need to do. I knew he just didn't want to spend the end of his life alone. he lived another twelve years. This poem brought back memories of him. ' a balance of wisdom' how true.
Steve

[Arnfinn]

I like this, Vess.


You have composed well.

A good way to write interesting poetry is to observe people.


You've created simple characters and delivered a plausible story.


John

[Eisa]

This is lovely Vess and is written with sensitivity and warmth.

The Second Time Around

They share a meal
at a quiet corner table.
He, in a bright red bowling shirt,
looks to be pushing seventy.
She, of secret age,
is a lady of botox and tinted rinses.

This 1st st sets the scene - I can see it clearly. You've captured it well. I love your description of her.

They are dating late in life.
She talks and he listens carefully.
Then, he talks and she listens carefully.
It is a balance born of wisdom.
They will probably make love tonight.
I am charmed and wish them well.

I think in this st you could work on the repitions of L2&3. Perhaps

She talks ... he listens intently.
Then, he talks ... she listens carefully.

I think the last line is almost unnecessary and might miss it out.

Hope something helps
Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Vess!
Good observational poetry.! It occurred to me that it could be a date arranged by a matrimonial agency...LOL....Both on their best behavior, perhaps advice ringing in their ears on how to handle the situation. Just a thought!

The Second Time Around

They share a meal
at a quiet corner table.
He, in a bright red bowling shirt,
looks to be pushing seventy.
She, of secret age,
is a lady of botox and tinted rinses.

Deftly written, economy of words. Says it all.

They are dating late in life.
She talks and he listens carefully.
Then, he talks and she listens carefully.
It is a balance born of wisdom.
They will probably make love tonight.
I am charmed and wish them well.

I must be of a suspicious nature...HA. So often one of the partners does all of the talking. And very often it's the man, with the woman "listening carefully" as she'll probably not do once she's nailed him. Nor he...Dear me, Vess, throw me out of here..!

Nonetheless, it's a touching poem and I believe all elderly people should keep getting married until "death do us part"...

Congrats, Syl***

[vessq]

Thank you all for reading and responding. I appreciate it.

vess

[Alan]

Dear Vess,

You've had lots of comment on the content, and I too think this delightful, but poetically I see some tightening possible. Below are offerings for you to adopt, adapt, OR chuck.

Second Time Around

They share a meal
at a quiet corner table.
In bright red bowling shirt,
he is pushing seventy.
She’s a lady of her secret age,
of botox, and of tinted rinse.

Charming late life dating ritual :
she talks, he listens, perhaps too carefully.
He talks, she in turn listens;
a balance born of age, or wisdom.
They will make love tonight;
I too am charmed, and wish them well.

Love
Alan

[jeannefiedler]

This poem surprised me in a good way, because I don't know people so open minded. I like the way you celebrated their youthful spirit coupled with their wisdom. The botox and tinted shades made me laugh, it's so typical. Maybe you could have included some of their conversation or maybe we were just supposed to guess, it's only me, I don't always know. Did you imply that botox and tinted shades make us wise? Or maybe just vain. I'm at fault there too. It was realistic. Good job!

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Vess,

I like the first stanza, a graceful right, restrained yet highly evocative. The second one threw me off though, as it tells all and shows little if anything. I'd throw in a line or two of dialogue, and add a visual that would lead the reader to "feel" their night plans. Or perhaps add a third stanza, leaving you room to add the dialogue and/or visuals and keep the narrator's observations/thoughts, as they are also in themselves endearing.

I hope this helps.

Mark

[vessq]

Hi Alan, Jeanne, and Mark.

Thank you for reading this and responding. I will think carefully about your comments and suggestions.

I really appreciate your thoughts. I never ask for criticism of a poem I am totally satisfied with. But then, I have never written a poem I am totally satisfied with. I just reach my current skill level and need help to climb to the next step.

Thank you all again. Your assistance is valued.

Vess

[mayo]

The Second Time Around

They share a meal
at a quiet corner table.
He, in a bright red bowling shirt,
looks to be pushing seventy.
She, of secret age,
is a lady of botox and tinted rinses.

They are dating late in life.
She talks and he listens carefully.
Then, he talks and she listens carefully.
It is a balance born of wisdom.
They will probably make love tonight.
I am charmed and wish them well.

I loved the description of the 'she' in S1L5-6. For me the similar lines of S2L2-3 work quite well. I get the feeling first in stanza one of the observer observing then those lines in stanza two bring me into the couple themselves then back out again to the observer with S2L5, which really is a hope or expectation of the observer and may have little to do with the observed. The final line being completely about the observer. Loved the transitions in such a small poem. Well done. I call these snapshots. I love snapshots because they allow the reader to step into the poem and make leaps and connections too, just like the observer in the poem. Cool.

mayo