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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ March Madness Mold

Posted by: ArtesiaMeeks May 24 06, 12:49

REBVISED 05-26-06

Thanks JLY, I believe you are right. Here goes for your suggestsions.

Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
The teams who play do vie and claw for first
as fans in watch shout roars and glees.

A win assures a spot on brackets’ durst.
It’s called the dance for teams on winning sprees.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.

ORIGINAL
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
The teams who play do vie and claw for first
as fans in watch are shouting roars and glees.
A win assures a spot on brackets’ durst.
It’s called the dance for teams on winning sprees.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.

© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks

Posted by: JLY May 25 06, 14:57

Carol,
Being a big sports fan, your title caught my interest. I think you have captured the excitement of the big dance in your short, detailed poem.

My one suggestion would be to consider breaking your poem into 2 stanzas. I believe it would help both the flow and look of it.

Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
The teams who play do vie and claw for first
as fans in watch {are} shout{ing} roars and glees.

A win assures a spot on brackets’ durst.
It’s called the dance for teams on winning sprees.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.

JLY

Posted by: Arnfinn May 28 06, 03:00

[quote name='ArtesiaMeeks' date='May 24 06, 17:49 ' post='75940']
REBVISED 05-26-06
Hi Carol,

Both gents and gals go gad in March each year. <<< gents seems a bit formal with gals.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
The teams who play do vie and claw for first
as fans in watch shout roars and glees.<<< in watch. how about (in voice)

A win assures a spot on brackets’ durst. <<< Maybe somthing in BB I don't U/stand (Aussie)
It’s called the dance for teams on winning sprees.<<< Hmmm delete (on)
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near. <<< A champ awaits madness as fame draws
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.

The we have it Carol, a few of my ideas on your poem.

I'm trying to figure the form you utilised for your poem? Just me of course- but the rhyme is interesting. or is it ab, ce, df, gh rhyme pattern.

Durst now there an interesting word (had to look that one up) past of dare

I mentioned that gents seems a bit formal in the first line, a pairing seems more appropriate to me. Guys and dolls/boys and girls/ etc.

Take or leave my suggestions of course.

Regards,

John

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 4 06, 15:30

Hi Carol.

Nice to see you posting - I hope you and your honey are doing well?

This is a fun poem that is so true in spirit and word! I only spy with my little one line that has eight sylls instead of ten:

as fans in watch [support with] ~~shout~~ roars and glees.

QUOTE

A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.

Say it ain't so Carol! BUT - we know this is true!

Cheers - enjoyable poem!
~Cleo

Posted by: Cathy Jul 11 06, 10:55

Hi Carol,

I'm not too into basketball but I can't fault those who are. LOL Never could see the attraction!

Anyhoo ...

'will vie and claw for first' instead of 'do'?
'as fans who watch' instead of 'in'?

Nope, just can't see the attraction ... *smiles*

Cathy

Posted by: Aggiel Jul 11 06, 20:29

Hi Carol,

I am glad there's a hapy little piece for me to read here.

I am cheering with the rest.

Aggiel

Posted by: ArtesiaMeeks Jul 14 06, 10:13

07-14-06 REVISION

Hi Cathy,

I believe you are right again................but there really is nothing more exciting than the round ball...............known as MARCH MADNESS and college basketball.

Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
The teams who play will vie and claw for first
as fans who watch shout roars and glees.

A win assures a spot on brackets’ durst.
It’s called the dance for teams on winning sprees.
A champ awaits as madness fame draws near.
Both gents and gals go gad in March each year.