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Posted by: Larry Jun 11 09, 10:57

Focus

Three young men who bred cattle in France
Chose a name for their place, not by chance.
So as not to confuse,
A small pun they did use;
Which explained everything at a glance





L5 did read: For they felt it explained at a glance

___________________________________________

*footnote removed - If you need an explanation, look at Mark's post!

Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain Jun 11 09, 11:49

Larry,

I'm afraid that this didn't make it for me; I wonder how many readers will get it without the footnote..

Also, this is a limerick, not a haiku. On the positive side, the limerick is technically well-written.

Mark

Posted by: Larry Jun 11 09, 15:02

Hi Mark,

Yes, I know it is a Limerick and not a Haiku. Bad "cut and paste" job. I had a number of Haiku and Limericks I was working on in MS Word and failed to see where I was cutting from when I posted this one.

I have a book of about 120 or so Haiku which has all but gone to press here at MM and will, eventually, be available in the Book Store.

I could edit the explanation and let people guess. Might be more fun to see how many say, "Huh?".

Larry

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Jun 11 09, 17:49

Hi Larry,

I'm afraid this is too complex for me! I believe poems should be able to stand on their own without footnotes. This doesn't seem clear enough without the footnote. Also, the two short lines are 6 syllables each. I'm almost positive a limerick should be
9
9
5
5
9

I've taken the liberty of shortening the needed lines by 1 syllable each
and changed "chance" to "romance."

Focus ( Your version)

Three young men who bred cattle in France
Chose a name for their place, not by chance.
So as not to confuse,
A small pun they did use;
For they felt it explained at a glance


Focus (My suggested version)

Three young men who bred cattle in France
Chose a name for their place, not by chance.
So not to confuse, 5
A small pun they used, 5
For they felt it explained cow romance. (Thought you might consider "romance.")

Of course you're the poet, so use or lose.

Peggy

Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain Jun 11 09, 19:42

Peggy,

In accentual-syllabic poetry, we count by metrical feet rather than by syllables only. The limerick starts with two anapestic trimeters, i.e three feet of a-na-PEST, two anapestic dimeters, i.e. two feet of a-na-PEST and ends with an anapestic trimeter. The pattern is thus

xxX/xxX/xxX/
xxX/xxX/xxX/
xxX/xxX/
xxX/xxX/
xxX/xxX/xxX/

That said, iambic substitutions ( i-AMB) are common, especially in the initial foot, and sometimes in the dimeter lines. Your version would still be acceptable, but Larry's is purest in form.

There are three main metrical systems:
- syllabic: counts the number of syllables, that is the system used in unstressed languages, like French;
- accentual: counts the stressed beats regardless of syllable count;
- accentual-syllabic: the formal English meter, metrical feet composed of stressed and unstressed beats. The four commonest ones are the iamb ( xX ), the trochee ( Xx ), the anapest ( xxX ) and the dactyl ( Xxx ). Then you count the number of feet per line to get: monometer, dimeter, trimeter, tetrameter, pentameter, hexameter, heptameter ( this line length is known as "fourteeners") and octometer.

If this is still confusing, let me know and I'll come back with clear examples for each.

I hope this helps,

Mark

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Jun 11 09, 19:54

Hi,

Thanks for the review!!! Sometimes I'm just too lazy to do the appropriate review and study. Thanks! I know you can't tell it, but I'm a retired English teacher and have done my fair share of teaching Shakespeare's tragedies. I'm a novice at writing poetry and, as it is obvious, I'm still learning. Sorry if I steered anyone wrong!!!

Peggy

Posted by: Larry Jun 12 09, 00:53

Hello Peggy & Hi again Mark,

Peggy, I appreciate your suggestions but if I used them, the Limerick would no longer retain its meter and the Pun wouldn't make any sense. I am sure that during "cow romance" the bull is focused on the cow but that does not comprise any part of the intended triple pun. The whole thing was written in jest; sort of a wry esoterical exercise in triple-entendre form. Most puns are not "clear" in their meaning and triple puns are even less so. Pardon the confusion.

Mark, thanks again for the verbal thumbs-up. I must admit the explanation you posted is the most precise and thorough explanation of the different forms, styles, metrics, etc. that I have encountered and in such a concise manner. I was not familiar with a lot of the terminology utilized in formal poetic circles before I came to MM but have been delighted to learn much more than I ever did in school from my association with this site. Your explaination gives me a lot of interesting ideas for new and different ways to express myself poetically. Thank you very much for the free education. I am going to cut and paste the technical part of your post for future reference purposes.

Larry

Posted by: Marc-Andre Germain Jun 12 09, 04:49

Peggy, I love Shakespeare, I think we'll have interesting exchanges in the future

You're welcome Larry. I'm here to learn and share. Any question, just ask.

Mark

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 12 09, 07:52

Hi Larry et al,

I tend to favor Accentual-syllabic patterns - usualy in tetrameter. I think its often safer when a novice counts syllables, then we can build on the educational aspects of metrical differences.

Larry, what a fun limerick! I'm not convinced though there isn't another more informative title out there waiting to be used here, lol?


Three young men who bred cattle in France
Chose a name for their place, not by chance.
So as not to confuse,
A small pun they did use;
For they felt it explained at a glance.

I suggest a small edit in the closing line:
Explanatations were found, at a glance.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

Posted by: Larry Jun 12 09, 10:28

Hi Lori,

The title is the punch line of the triple pun!

Focus is where the Sun's rays meet and it is also where the Sons raise meat. If you can think of a more descriptive and inclusive title, please let me know.

I will take a part of your suggestion and rearrange the sentence for the last line though. Thanks for the crit.

Which explained everything at a glance.


Larry

Posted by: Peggy Carpenter Harwood Jun 12 09, 11:55

Hi Larry,

Finally I get the puns! I think your puns will be lost on many. I just checked the dictionary and found a myraid of definitions for focus.

Peggy