A Wintry Heart-Final Revision, Wizard Award ~ Rondeau #2 Options

[AMETHYST]

These temporary revisions have been stirred by many of your suggestions and guidences. TY!

~~~~~Third Revision ... TY ALL ~~~~~
He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, hatchlings peep at skies of blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old aches; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.




~~~~~Temporary Revision~~~~~

He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.


~~~~~~Original Draft~~~~~~~~~

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of who were innocent
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jan 28 07, 14:23

[JustDaniel]

I'm too tired to post anything resembling sensibility, Liz...

but I wanted to congratulate you on doing a second one. Be careful, 'cause they're gonna grow on ya! I'll be back when I can think... and I have time. I have an inservice at the hospital tomorrow morning, so I'm bushed... but this one is intriguing.

Light hugs, Daniel

[Merlin]

I'll join in the applause for the 2nd, Liz. Yes, they can become addictive - as jgd Ron sez, they've become his second favorite form, along with the sonnet.

I found the rondeau to be very flexible, from serious to nonesensical. It's a great form to have fun with.

In yours, I'd suggest tossing the "by" into the spring, and going with "in" - because "by" sounds somewhat harsh... you can die by spring, ok. It would also fit all the way down.

Keep 'em commin'.

Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

Congrats on #2! *smiles* I'm not sure of your intent but I see this as a spiritual renewal before he died. And I see spring as being significant with new birth and renewal of life.

Not much to offer... just a thought or two. Use or lose to your content.

Cathy

He died by spring, just as the scent I think 'in' would work in each verse.
of gardenia bloom[s]-wafting{,} sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? {By}[In] spring

the wounds of who were innocent
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

[Guest_poeticpiers_*]

nice use of this form, a sad tale too often true.in this age of not knowing ones neighbours but ending on a hopeful note

I too think By should be replaced by in it would make better sense

[TygerTyger]

Hey Liz!

I'm wasn't familiar with this form and had to look it up. I read your first one and liked it too.

I'm still quite new at 'formal' poetry, but here are my thoughts for your most august consideration.

First off this first stanza really grabbed me and sent me running, like going downhill. It's a very upbeat beginning, with some good imagery to set up the hopeful ending.
I felt, at first, that there shold be a comma after bloom, but the dash does meld the two words and makes for a smoother read. Although the mechanism of a scent sending birds flying is somewhat mysterious... (*joke*)

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

Since I didn't read that there were metrical requirements in a rondeau, just a rhyme pattern, I felt that leaving out the conjunction in the first line slowed the read down to much. Like hitting a wall after going down hill. I think your reader needs a gentler brake.
I know word choice is perogative, but, in the first line, I think the two nouns together form something of a cliche. Perhaps changing one of the two to a synonym might also help to emphasize a the reason behind your protagonist coldness. Like 'dejection' for "depression" or 'egotism' for "selfishness".

Depression and selfishness had lent
thier hand to his coldness. He spent <- Would you consider breaking it here into two sentences? The change would also pair it well with your third stanza were there is that break. I also feel that changing "a" to 'their' would generate a more sympathetic response in your reader
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring <- I like the use of a question here because it helps set up a familiarity between the speaker and the listener

If I may be so bold, this stanza could use more work to clarify your intent that he made ammends to those he wounded before he died.
So, for what it may be worth to you and without further explanantion, letting the suggestions speak for themselves, this is how my ears would clarify it.

the wounds of all the innocent
ones began to heal. His heart's intent
was to soothe old hurts, for he had caused a few.
And, by the grace of God, renewed, <- 'Renewed' seems to me to better convey this change in him than "anew" which implies that something is added rather than changed for the better.
he died in Spring.

You started the poem with a real poetic ride: Wheeeeee! But by the end you semed to be setling into a more conversational tone, like you were telling someone of the joy he brought for his changed heart and as you spoke, slowly turning it into a solemn thanks. This understanding is what my suggestions were based on.

And as always may all things be only as you wish!

Dennis!

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

I nearly missed this one -- your second rondeau and I've not even attempted a first. Well done!

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

L1 -- I agree with everyone that 'in' sounds better than 'by'
L2/3 -- Would the scent of Gardenias really send birds to flight? -- or perhaps you are trying to show the time of year when fledglings try out their wings.
L3 -- 'skies lit blue' sounds awkward to me ... perhaps 'skies of blue'

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of who were innocent
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

The 1st St starts off 'showing' the last ends up 'telling'. I feel you need something more descriptive in this stanza.

I hope something here might help you Liz.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

I'm too tired to post anything resembling sensibility, Liz...

but I wanted to congratulate you on doing a second one. Be careful, 'cause they're gonna grow on ya! I'll be back when I can think... and I have time. I have an inservice at the hospital tomorrow morning, so I'm bushed... but this one is intriguing.

Light hugs, Daniel

Thank You Daniel, I've been down on the weather the past couple of nights myself. So take your time... but please feel free to leave a good punch of critique, as this needs some work and I am open to bringing it to it's highest potential. :)

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

I'll join in the applause for the 2nd, Liz. Yes, they can become addictive - as jgd Ron sez, they've become his second favorite form, along with the sonnet.

I found the rondeau to be very flexible, from serious to nonesensical. It's a great form to have fun with.

In yours, I'd suggest tossing the "by" into the spring, and going with "in" - because "by" sounds somewhat harsh... you can die by spring, ok. It would also fit all the way down.

Keep 'em commin'.

Merlin

Hi Merlin,

Thank you for that encouragement. Yes, these can become very, very addictive. I think I might be following in Ron's footsteps, as the Sonnet is my first favorite form of poetry and can see this becoming a very near second to the sonnet.

I like the versitility of the Rondeau as well. I also thought that mini Rondeau you posted is very interesting and will be trying that as well.

In S1, by is to imply that the change in the surroundings, the sentiments of spring was what caused his death, and the change into S3's refrain is to advise he died in spring. There is so much more work that needs to be done on this to sharpen this idea and will be open to any thoughts that will enhance the intention!

Hugs, Liz ...

I will try to keep these coming... I just need the inspiration! LOL

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz,

Congrats on #2! *smiles* I'm not sure of your intent but I see this as a spiritual renewal before he died. And I see spring as being significant with new birth and renewal of life.

Not much to offer... just a thought or two. Use or lose to your content.

Cathy

Hi Cathy, Thank you for the congrats. I think once this has been improved to its potential I will feel worthy of that congrats! LOL You see clearly ... as that is exactly what it is..

In S1, Spring and all the newness, love and joys that come from scents, beauteous views etc is why he died. So in S1, By is important, it implys Springs caused his death. Your interpretation was key on! :) thank you.

He died by spring, just as the scent I think 'in' would work in each verse.
of gardenia bloom[s]-wafting{,} sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

As mentioned, by is important. What I think I must do is change the syntax in L2,3 to imply further that these changes from winter to spring has caused his death. Yes. L2 needs the 's on blooms. Thank you for catching that!

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? {By}[In] spring

I meant it as ... 'By the dawn, I finally fell asleep...' or By spring, we will have saved that money to go camping come fall' LOL (wishful thinking here) ...

the wounds of who were innocent
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

I will be working on that first stanza to show the importance of 'He died by spring... ' Hopefully as revisions allow this will become clearer...

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

nice use of this form, a sad tale too often true.in this age of not knowing ones neighbours but ending on a hopeful note

I too think By should be replaced by in it would make better sense

Hello Ivor,

Thank you for stopping in. This is a great form to get the old juices flowing. Thanks for the feedback.

Best Regards, Liz

[Cyn]

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia blooms wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned to morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he'd died? By spring

the wounds of those, the innocent,
began to heal - his heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he'd caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.


Just some thoughts for this fine piece Liz. Love the idea of it. I like this form

[AMETHYST]

Hey Liz!

I'm wasn't familiar with this form and had to look it up. I read your first one and liked it too.

I'm still quite new at 'formal' poetry, but here are my thoughts for your most august consideration.

Hi Dennis,

I had read many Rondeaus but had never completed one until these two. I would suggest to anyone, especially if you are just learning formed poetry to try one on for size. But becareful they are very addictive! :)

First off this first stanza really grabbed me and sent me running, like going downhill. It's a very upbeat beginning, with some good imagery to set up the hopeful ending.
I felt, at first, that there shold be a comma after bloom, but the dash does meld the two words and makes for a smoother read. Although the mechanism of a scent sending birds flying is somewhat mysterious... (*joke*)

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

In L2, I think once the s gets added to bloom it will enhance the dash, I am trying to place a longer pause ... The scent of spring in the air, an indication to fly 'home ward...' L4, with winter melting into morning dew is to bring out that change more pronoucned. I am not sure if my intention is strong enough yet, perhaps with some revisions...it will be much clearer.

Since I didn't read that there were metrical requirements in a rondeau, just a rhyme pattern, I felt that leaving out the conjunction in the first line slowed the read down to much. Like hitting a wall after going down hill. I think your reader needs a gentler brake.
I know word choice is perogative, but, in the first line, I think the two nouns together form something of a cliche. Perhaps changing one of the two to a synonym might also help to emphasize a the reason behind your protagonist coldness. Like 'dejection' for "depression" or 'egotism' for "selfishness".

I agree. I have a few thoughts I've been mulling over, as this line is certainly one I was not satisfied with and I am glad to consider your thoughts on it. Good feedback Dennis!
I do like the use of dejection... I will be contemplating further possibilities!

Depression and selfishness had lent
thier hand to his coldness. He spent <- Would you consider breaking it here into two sentences? The change would also pair it well with your third stanza were there is that break. I also feel that changing "a" to 'their' would generate a more sympathetic response in your reader
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring <- I like the use of a question here because it helps set up a familiarity between the speaker and the listener

I like your idea of switching a to their and you've provided excellent reasoning for your suggestion. I will most likely be putting it to use! THank you. Also thank you for noting the question ... Who knew he died? To show his life style, recluse had left him so alone that even in his turning points noone was around to grieve him.

If I may be so bold, this stanza could use more work to clarify your intent that he made ammends to those he wounded before he died.
So, for what it may be worth to you and without further explanantion, letting the suggestions speak for themselves, this is how my ears would clarify it.

I agree!

the wounds of all the innocent
ones began to heal. His heart's intent
was to soothe old hurts, for he had caused a few.
And, by the grace of God, renewed, <- 'Renewed' seems to me to better convey this change in him than "anew" which implies that something is added rather than changed for the better.
he died in Spring.

Your suggestions for L1 and L4 are perfect substitutions, especially renewed. I think that was what I had been intended and in a fit of getting it finished I settled on a new ...
As for L3, too many syllables. It is to be octasyllablic. 8 syllables per line.
But you are correct in that it needs some clarity.

Good feedback here as well. Most helpful and allowing me possibilities for my revisions.

You started the poem with a real poetic ride: Wheeeeee! But by the end you semed to be setling into a more conversational tone, like you were telling someone of the joy he brought for his changed heart and as you spoke, slowly turning it into a solemn thanks. This understanding is what my suggestions were based on.

And as always may all things be only as you wish!

That is sort of the description of his life. He started with a bang and by end he was calmer, more settled and very casual toward the roller coaster ride he brought eveyone on during his life! I will look for ways to spice up the ending as well. I do want to have a more prominant ending ...

THanks Dennis, you've offered excellent suggestions and interpretted many of my intentions perfectly to allow for good sturctured suggestions. Will hope to hear from you on revision!

Best Wishes, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz

I nearly missed this one -- your second rondeau and I've not even attempted a first. Well done!

Hey Snow Yes...I really like doing these... it's been a long while since I've sat down and anything (good or not so good) has come to mind. You would be a Rondeau Rebel! :) Bet ya you would fly with these... they are very interesting while your thinking about the refrain and the differences you can imply with the refrain.

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

L1 -- I agree with everyone that 'in' sounds better than 'by'
L2/3 -- Would the scent of Gardenias really send birds to flight? -- or perhaps you are trying to show the time of year when fledglings try out their wings.
L3 -- 'skies lit blue' sounds awkward to me ... perhaps 'skies of blue'

I suppose I will have to rethink this... Perhaps the ending would best suit the meaning that he died due to spring... sort of... Hmmmph. I suppose also that the scent of gardenias, (I don't even know if they really bloom in spring...do they? ) .. sending fledglings to flight... Yes, I meant it as the scent in the air is a tell tale sign that birds might mark their point of taking to air. I think that too must be sharpened a bit! LOL
I was trying to avoid 'skies of blue' it is so often used. I sort of used lit as a place holder till the right words came along. Will be keeping this in mind most certainly! Open to any suggestions of course ...

the wounds of who were innocent
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

The 1st St starts off 'showing' the last ends up 'telling'. I feel you need something more descriptive in this stanza.

Yes. This is where I felt very unhappy over all. I think I rushed through to get it done before work ended! I will be reconsidering most of each stanza and keeping everyone's thoughts in mind during the process.

Hugs, Snow ...

I really wish you would try one on for size...you always have excellent subjects and you would make it dance!

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cyn,

We cross posted. I am so glad to see you here.

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia blooms wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned to morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

Great suggestion for L3. Will be making good use of that! Thank you!

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he'd died? By spring

Another good change. much more precise to say who had knew he had died. :)

the wounds of those, the innocent,
began to heal - his heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he'd caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

Again some good changes to consider. Actually your suggestion for L1 here gives me another direction to take this that will make it more active than it is now. Thanks Cyn.




Just some thoughts for this fine piece Liz. Love the idea of it. I like this form

You really should try this form. It has stirred my inspriation, although my skills haven't caught up yet either...

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

Congrats on #2! *smiles* I'm not sure of your intent but I see this as a spiritual renewal before he died. And I see spring as being significant with new birth and renewal of life.

Not much to offer... just a thought or two. Use or lose to your content.

Cathy

Hi Cathy, Thank you for the congrats. I think once this has been improved to its potential I will feel worthy of that congrats! LOL You see clearly ... as that is exactly what it is..

In S1, Spring and all the newness, love and joys that come from scents, beauteous views etc is why he died. So in S1, By is important, it implys Springs caused his death. Your interpretation was key on! :) thank you.

Now, I understand... *smiles*

He died by spring, just as the scent I think 'in' would work in each verse.
of gardenia bloom[s]-wafting{,} sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

As mentioned, by is important. What I think I must do is change the syntax in L2,3 to imply further that these changes from winter to spring has caused his death. Yes. L2 needs the 's on blooms. Thank you for catching that!

You will figure it out, you always do! LOL

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? {By}[In] spring

I meant it as ... 'By the dawn, I finally fell asleep...' or By spring, we will have saved that money to go camping come fall' LOL (wishful thinking here) ... Ahhhh... LOL

the wounds of who were innocent
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

I will be working on that first stanza to show the importance of 'He died by spring... ' Hopefully as revisions allow this will become clearer...

Hugs, Liz

I have no doubt it will! If I think of anything else I think might help... I will be back!

Cathy

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia blooms wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

What about...

He died by spring, whelmed by the scent
of gardenia blooms wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

[Peterpan]

Hello Amethyst!

This poem promotes such a mixed lot of feelings. I have not read the other comments and have come in rather late I suspect. Sometimes if one reads the other comments one becomes influenced? I am coming in with a 'wintry heart'! And there are warming parts to this poem...

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue; (I can smell it and see it)
while winter ice turned morning dew (melting moments)
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment. (to lines of vivid imagery)

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew (how sad!)
he died? By spring

the wounds of who were innocent (amazing line. Innocent are always the victims!)
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few (repentance!)
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

Well done.

Loved it! Interesting style, I dont know much about it but can appreciate it. I do enjoy spiritual poetry.

PP

[AMETHYST]

Hello Amethyst!

This poem promotes such a mixed lot of feelings. I have not read the other comments and have come in rather late I suspect. Sometimes if one reads the other comments one becomes influenced? I am coming in with a 'wintry heart'! And there are warming parts to this poem...

I often try the same thing. I try not to read the previous comments so I can determine for myself my own interpretation and ideas to offer. I think many of our hearts are wintry as of late! LOL ...

Let's see what you've got here! ...

Thank you for stopping in PP and helping me find my way through this poem!

Hugs, Liz

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue; (I can smell it and see it)
while winter ice turned morning dew (melting moments)
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment. (to lines of vivid imagery)

Thank you. I am always grateful when someone shows what is working and that the intent to include senses is working. I think the word moments is a good word choice somewhere within the poem but L4 is rhymed with L3 'blue/dew' ...

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew (how sad!)
he died? By spring

So Glad to hear that the sadness of his life is coming through clearly here. :)

the wounds of who were innocent (amazing line. Innocent are always the victims!)
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few (repentance!)
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

That L1 is in need of some reworking, but the sentiment you've gotten from it is right on! Thank you.
Again. for L3, it needs to rrhyme with the few/new sound. LOL

Well done.

Loved it! Interesting style, I dont know much about it but can appreciate it. I do enjoy spiritual poetry.

PP

The form is very inspiring. I would suggest anyone to try their hand at atleast one.

Best Wishes to you, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

I am glad you returned I think the minor ideas you've posted here are very strong and I will be considering them, and most likely using them.

I always have a doubt. Especially with the recent posting of some of those older poems that just seem to be too much at this time to find the diamonds among the rust. But with help from you and the others here I have hope!

Hugs, Liz

I have no doubt it will! If I think of anything else I think might help... I will be back!

Cathy

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia blooms wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

What about...

He died by spring, whelmed by the scent
of gardenia blooms wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

[Eisa]

Yes Liz – I shall certainly put a rondeau on my ‘to do list’

I do like Cathy’s suggestion

He died by spring, whelmed by the scent
of gardenia blooms

Very apt

As for my suggestion of ‘skies of blue’ – thinking of it now, it’s much too cliché. How about something like ~

fledglings to flight in heavenly blue;

Perhaps start the 2nd st

the wounds of those, the innocent
began to heal.

I am continuing to think on this one Liz. I feel with a little thought and your expert touch, it will soon be just as you want it.

Hugs Snow