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Writers of Tomorrow - revised Feb 21 2004 |
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Jan 11 04, 11:37
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Writers of Tomorrow - Revised Feb 21, 2004
An ancient scroll was claimed today, inside its pages, life’s cachet. Its world is filled with pensive muse and splashed with lasting weathered hues.
From cultures shaped, a kingdom rules; to fragile lands destroyed by fools. The tattered pages I read through of our creation, our debut.
The rise and fall of all mankind re-lived through generations’ blind. Reflections of their faith hold fast, to change kismet; revive their past.
If we could scribe a conjured scroll that’s cherished by our birthright whole, would it be cloaked within the lands to be dug up by future hands?
Would we succeed, would we prevail? Would we be shared in small detail? They say we are the wisdom’s eye, the writers of tomorrow’s nigh.
© 2004 Lorraine M Kanter All Rights Reserved by Lorraine M Kanter as an unpublished work
Writers of Tomorrow An ancient scroll was claimed today, inside its pages; life’s cachet. Its world is filled with pensive muse and splashed with lasting colored hues.
The tattered pages I read through of our creation, our debut. From cultures shaped, a kingdom rules, to fragile lands destroyed by fools.
The rise and fall of all mankind re-lived through generations blind. And all the while, faith holds fast to change kismet, to make it last.
If we could scribe a conjured scroll that’s cherished by our birthright whole, would it be cloaked within the lands, to be dug up by future’s hands?
Would we succeed, would we prevail? Would we be shared in small detail? They say we are the wisdom’s eye, the writers of tomorrow’s why.
© 2004 Lorraine M Kanter All Rights Reserved by Lorraine M Kanter as an unpublished work
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Don_*
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Jan 11 04, 15:18
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Guest
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Hi Cleo,
Hard rhyme scheme to extend as you did. Ruled/fools do not rhyme, but rule/fools is close enough. "...kingdom rules" is even better ryhme with "...fools"
"Colored" & "hues" seemed too close in potential meaning to me. Colored could be nuanced away from physical to mental, but I suggest: "and splashed with lasting colored hues" be replaced with "and splashed with ageless lasting hues"
Oh, BTW change "cache" to "cachet" to ryhme with "today".
Does "Mankind" need capitalized?
Bet this poem kept you awake awhile.
Don
A diskette was found in sand the other day "If it's a message, what does it say?"
Until a player is found, a maybe anyday, "If it's a message to us -- no way!"
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Jan 11 04, 15:44
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Thank you very much Don. I've taken some of suggestions already!
Kudos to you! ~Cleo :)
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jan 30 04, 01:50
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 427
Joined: 5-August 03
From: Oregon, USA
Member No.: 8
Real Name: Dolly
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Wow Lori!
As I've been saying right along, since first we met ..... hmmmm ..... how long ago ... maybe a year ... this is marvelous! Basically I agree with Don and I see you apparently do, too. :smart:
Man, I wish I had some of your talent, girl! Maybe someday when I'm old and grey it'll all come flooding in and I'll be a Grandma Moses of poetry, but for now I'm delighted to sit back and read you, Daniel, and some of the other oh-so-talented writers!
Please carry on, dear woman!
Hugs, Dolly :sun:
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Guest_Ponderlust_*
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Feb 1 04, 08:24
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Guest
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Hi Lori... I like the subject and it has me seeing our poems as time capsules for the future.
An ancient scroll was claimed today, inside its pages; life’s cachet. Its world is filled with pensive muse and splashed with lasting colored hues.
I know it would alter your meter, but I can't avoid wanting to see an "a" before "pensive" in L3... or as "pensive musings". Maybe that's why I stick to free verse?
The tattered pages I read through of our creation, our debut. From cultures shaped, a kingdom rules, to fragile lands destroyed by fools.
The rise and fall of all mankind re-lived through generations blind. And all the while, faith holds fast to change kismet, to make it last.
"And all the while" feels like a filler... not really adding anything to the big picture of the poem... and L4's "to make it last" is a bit cliche`. I really think reworking the last two lines of this stanza will make this stanza much better.
If we could scribe a conjured scroll that’s cherished by our birthright whole, would it be cloaked within the lands, to be dug up by future’s hands?
"Conjured" in L1 has me wondering "conjured from where"? and in L4, I would say "future hands" since making it a possessive gives it an over-essy feel to it.
Would we succeed, would we prevail? Would we be shared in small detail? >>>nice line! They say we are the wisdom’s eye, the writers of tomorrow’s why.
>>>"the" in L3 feels like another filler and gives it an awkward feel... but I do like how you end this poem... but I wonder if future writers will see us as "tomorrow's huh?".
Cary...
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Guest_Don_*
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Feb 1 04, 08:47
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Guest
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QUOTE(Athena @ Jan. 30 2004, 00:50) Wow Lori! As I've been saying right along, since first we met ..... hmmmm ..... how long ago ... maybe a year ... this is marvelous! Basically I agree with Don and I see you apparently do, too. Man, I wish I had some of your talent, girl! Maybe someday when I'm old and grey it'll all come flooding in and I'll be a Grandma Moses of poetry, but for now I'm delighted to sit back and read you, Daniel, and some of the other oh-so-talented writers! Please carry on, dear woman! Hugs, Dolly To Athena,
As to your becoming a Grandma Moses of poetry, I must say this comical thought.
Since she is known to cut larger pictures into smaller for sale, your action would be to cut long epics into mini-epics to maximise profitable sale.
May your house be safe from tigers and all the dragons flee.
:) ..Don
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Feb 11 04, 12:16
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Thanks all for stopping by!
I'll be back when the ringing in my ears has stopped. I'm hearing ka-ching ka-ching - Oh wait! That's NOT from our Vegas machines - it's eveyone else around us winning!
Ah well - it's still FUN trying!
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Feb 12 04, 14:25
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 427
Joined: 5-August 03
From: Oregon, USA
Member No.: 8
Real Name: Dolly
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Lori,
Finally had a chance to get back to this. With my wedding day looming closer I find I'm busier and busier! Oh well, it's all worth it.
I think this poem is super grand!! However, I do have the following suggestions:
QUOTE Writers of Tomorrow
An ancient scroll was claimed today, inside its pages; life’s cachet. I feel a comma here in place of the semi-colon. Its world is filled with pensive muse and splashed with lasting colored hues. Like everyone else, I too feel "colored" hues is redundant. How about something like "heathered" hues? Or "weatherer" or "techni" or "mottled" or something else, but not "colored".
The tattered pages I read through of our creation, our debut. This is not a complete sentence. You need to say something about the "tattered pages"... From cultures shaped, a kingdom rules,"a kingdom rules" does not seem to be in sync with the rest of this line. However, I don't seem to come up with any suggestions! to fragile lands destroyed by fools.
The rise and fall of all mankind re-lived through generations blind. This would be a complete sentence with the addition of the word "is" before "re-lived". Otherwise, it isn't. And all the while, faith holds fast to change kismet, to make it last. I've read and reread this line and still come up with difficulty. Your subject, "faith holds fast" doesn't fit with "kismet" or "destiny" considering the last four words following.
If we could scribe a conjured scroll that’s cherished by our birthright whole, would it be cloaked within the lands, No comma necessary here. to be dug up by future’s hands?
Would we succeed, would we prevail? Would we be shared in small detail? They say we are the wisdom’s eye, the writers of tomorrow’s why. I've also had difficulty with this sentence. "tomorrow's why" doesn't make sense to me. I think it really needs a change to something that doesn't feel like you're stretching to make a rhyme. Also, "the" before wisdom is out of step here with the rest of the line.
© 2004 Lorraine M Kanter All Rights Reserved by Lorraine M Kanter as an unpublished work
I think that's about it, Lori. Hope you find something here you can use. Talk to you later.
Hugs, Dolly
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Feb 21 04, 12:18
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Thanks Cary, Larry, Don and Dolly!
I have made a revision based on your thoughts.
Thank you! Lori :)
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Feb 21 04, 17:18
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 431
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Lee's Summit, MO, USA
Member No.: 5
Real Name: Butch
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hey Cleo,
I like, especially the old times reference and stuff.
If I might be so bold, is it possible to leave out the "The's." Someone taught me a long time ago, they are usually not needed. However, in rhyming sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Good job lady, glad I found this one.
Charon
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Guest_Don_*
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Feb 21 04, 17:30
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Guest
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Your revised verse is excellent Lori.
Don :pharoah2 :pharoah2 :pharoah2
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Feb 22 04, 08:08
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE(Athena @ Feb. 21 2004, 17:10) Hi Lori, Just checking back and find you've created an OUTSTANDING poem!! This one is ready for publishing, IMHO. Wowwww what a feat! Would that I had your ability to write, dear woman; what a treasure! Looking forward to the next and the next and the ... well, you get the picture. Hugs, Dolly Hi Dolly!
You are so kind! I made the revisions yesterday because I also edited my 'proof' of my first chapbook coming out at Shadow Poetry, 'Chimerical Cleo' ~ WHIPPEEEEE!
There were a few typos near the end of the book (it is 36 pages) and I took the opportunity to revise this poem because I knew it wasn't quite right. I DO hope Marie can made the final changes to this piece before she does the final.
I really like the message of this one - got the idea from watching all the History Channel shows on Archaeology and things of that sort. Glad ya came back!
LOL! I'm so busy with the ADMIN stuff, not sure when Cleo will think of something new! LOL! BUT alas - I DID just post the newest Pandora last night - I think you'll like the topic, "Shrouded Echoes" - from Larry!
Just got back revised MM site details, the NEW COC, Terms of Use, Privacy Policy and info on our publishing questions from way back when. I will be updating them today and will send along a PM to advise all.
HUGAROOOOOS! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Feb 22 04, 08:12
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE(Charon @ Feb. 21 2004, 17:18) Hey Cleo,
I like, especially the old times reference and stuff.
If I might be so bold, is it possible to leave out the "The's." Someone taught me a long time ago, they are usually not needed. However, in rhyming sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Good job lady, glad I found this one.
Charon Hi Butch! :vic:
Thanks for stopping by! You raise a good point, I've also heard to try and weed out those 'the's', 'ands', etc... when writing poems. It is HARD to do!
I will remember to monitor those! :smart:
Hugs! ~Cleo :pharoah:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Feb 22 04, 08:13
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE(Don @ Feb. 21 2004, 17:30) Your revised verse is excellent Lori.
Don :pharoah2 :pharoah2 :pharoah2 Hey there Don!
Hope your PC is all better now!? :grinning: :oops:
Thanks for stopping back in to check it out! Glad to receive your input!
Hugs! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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