Colors of Hate (2nd revision Feb 12), FV Options

[Larry]

Colors of Hate

Winds ride
long empty schoolyard swings,
shake rusty snow on un-scuffed sand.
Orange clouds still glow from strange mushrooms
as bloated worms feed; garish green.
Another sunset, purple smears to blood red;
unseen! Sky bruises' glow soon fades to night.
Gray stones now resting, time-worn smooth,
once etched to mark a species...gone!
White silence, deafening. Unheard
knell's echo's stilled
by Time's sure hand.
Black comes at last,
on unshod hooves.
The Four in One
reap war's foul crop.

First Draft

Colors of Hate

Winds ride
long empty schoolyard swings,
shake rusty snow on un-scuffed sand.
Orange clouds still glow from strange mushrooms.
The bloated worms feed; garish green.
Another sunset, purple smears to blood red;
Unseen sky bruises' glow soon fades to night.
Gray stones now resting, time-worn smooth,
once etched to mark a species...gone!
White silence, deafening. Unheard
knell's echo's stilled
by Time's sure hand.
Black came, at last,
with unshod hoof.
The Four in One
their crop did reap.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

You've incorporated many colors into this very poignant piece with ease and without it looking at such. This definiteyly reads as the outcome of war - anda hint at the bible's four horsemen of the Apocolypse, I hope my read on this one is accurate? LOVE L4's duality of 'mushrooms' too!

We've just arrived in Las Vegas on vacation and need to go forage for food now that we've unpacked. I'll be back tomorrow morning with further thoughts.

Enjoyed this one,
~Cleo

[jgdittier]

Dear Larry,
A poetic ploy difficult to master is to hint at the poet's deepest thoughts without going into detail and thus let the reader arrive at the poet's conclusion.
I think that mastery shows here.
Cheers, ron jgd

[Larry]

Hi Lori & Ron,

You read it perfectly, Lori! That is exactly what I wanted the reader to see (along with the hint of the mushroom shaped poem itself). The four horsemen was also intended but was difficult to include without specifying what I wanted to say. Ron, thank you for your comments and praise.

Lori, hope you and yours enjoy (and don't lose too much) Vegas.

Just a note: Lori, you had an old challenge of a very colorful lighthouse scene and I got, on first glance, a similar "first thought" about the final day of Earth when I saw it. You might want to check out my response to that particular challenge when you get a moment.

Thanks again!

Larry

[Guest_ABRAH1_*]

Hi, Larry I'm new to this site but your poem is very thought through and has a nostalgic flow
I like it.. line by line you describe your mind, and where you going ...
thank you

[Guest_Don_*]

I took the shape to be a funeral urn.

You incorporated the four horsemen very well.

How about eliminating the inversion of last line?

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

Thanks! It's in knowing when you've reached your pre-set limit each day and then packing it in until tomorrow, LOL! We set a defined max, bring only what we intend to lose, and then the rest is pure luck!

I think you may want to add punctuation (semi-colon or ellipse maybe) at end of the following: Another sunset, purple smears to blood red. But then again, when I write fv poems, I use the end of lines to signify a pause, so it’s totally your option as always.

Re-reading this, as a sci-fi nut that I am , the first 3 lines remind me of a scene from the movie: Terminator 2 when Sarah Connor is day-dreaming and envisions herself looking through a wire fence trying to warn herself of the impending doom at a playground, herself all prim and fancy pushing what is assumed to be her young son on a swing, and that moment of peace is drastically wiped out when the nukes hit (mushrooms and all) and all is turned to sand and dust (bodies and buildings included). It’s a pretty poignant, if not grotesque scene and your poem reminded me of that initially. It’s war – the machines against humans – but I can picture the similarities, after all, war is war no matter who the characters are. It’s interesting to me that we are so hung up on trying to change other peoples’ ways of life by imposing our beliefs on countries that do not want to hear it or incorporate it (and billions of dollars) and we really need to step back, think and manage what’s going on here in the states, our own backyards. I don’t talk politics often, but when I do, I’m VERY strongly opinionated about how I feel. Our upcoming election should be a very interesting one to be sure. I know I’ve switched from Democrat in my 20’s, to Republican in my 30’s, now Independent in my 40’s and am still wondering which candidate will do the best for our country – each has pros and all have cons…

Anywho, sorry about that rant! Do you mean ‘Unseen skies bruised glow’? Consider changing resting to rest up in L8. Should it be echoes? Since the rest of your poem is in present tense, should the black come instead of came – Black comes, at last (don’t think you need that comma afterwards)? Maybe an ellipse, colon or semi-colon in L15?

Enjoyed this even more on this read Larry – I’ll check out your Pandora response to the lighthouse – thanks for letting me know! This one should be nominated for IBPC (if you agree, it shall be done)!

Cheers,
~Cleo

[Larry]

Hi ABRAH1, Don & Lori,

Thanks for stopping by. Don, I cleared up the inversion in the last line. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Lori, when I cut and pasted this, I forgot to check my punctuation and how I wanted to present it for crits. L15 "Black comes, at last, on unshod hoof." I punctuated (at last) because "finally" didn't fit the meter and "IT" is coming...just don't know when. Too many crazy, power hungry people in this world for us to escape this scenario forever. That is the reason I used "at last". Notice I did use your suggestion to keep the poem in the present tense?
I also redid the punctuation at the end of L6 and start of L7. I wanted to paint a vivid and apocolyptic sunset that would forever remain "unseen". Hope you all like the changes. If not, let me know how I can improve and polish it a little more. Oh, Don. When that day comes, urns won't be needed but there is a distinct similarity between the mushroom clouds and urns. Prophetic symbolism perhaps?

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,


I'm still uncertain on this part:
Black come's, at last,
on unshod hoof.

Shouldn't it just be Black comes, at last,? You don't want to make come's possessive toward 'at last' do you? One other thought for you to ponder here in these lines:

Winds ride
long empty schoolyard swings,
shake rusty snow on un-scuffed sand. **Love this opening!
Orange clouds still glow from strange mushrooms
[where] (or while) The bloated worms feed; garish green.

The reasoning behind my suggestion is to make them flow together into one continous thought because you've got three endstopped lines following each other in the beginning of the poem and it can read (to some) to be a bit abrupt to come to a full end in each.

Also, here I suggest considering a stronger word for 'sure' - maybe assured OR unchanging?
The Four in One
reap war's sure crop.

I don't remember what you had there originally, can you footnote the original if possible so we can see what changes you've made please?

Cheers,
~Cleo

[Larry]

Hello again Lori,
I finally realized what you were saying about "Black come's" as being possessive. I changed it, for the better, I hope. In the last line, I had planned to use a much stronger word than sure and then had second thoughts. Should have stayed with my first thought which is what now replaces "sure". Hope this makes it a smoother read and, more to the point, expresses my true feelings at the end.

Even though I'm a veteran of "Nam", I still think war is a useless exercise in futility and should be avoided at all costs. There is no winner and far too many losers.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oooh, that's good! Love your further edits, especially 'foul' - excellent!!!! You might even be able to thesaurus foul and come up with another strong alternate but foul works well. I too, think sometimes your first thought is the best, as I just had the same edit in my Rion's Eye poem back to one initial word in one line. LOL!

You are so correct, and I think the same as you about war - everyone loses in the end. Isn't it all about dominance/power anyway? I mean, think back to our early beginnings and to ancient times - there has been warring since we've evolved, or have we?


~Lori